Father in-law problem

[Woodster]

Hi, I could really appreciate some advice on my situation. My wife is an only child and the only relative she has left is her dad. Her mom died before I came on the scene when she was about 14. Since that time she took over the house duties for her dad. I came along and the relationship grew to the point where I bought us a home. We would go to visit her dad two to three times a week as he was on his own. My wife came home one evening in tears and explained that her father was not doing to well living on his own. What could I do? I thought for some time then made a decision that at the time seemed right. I now know it was the worst decision of my life. I said we should have her dad live with us.

Initially everything worked out ok. Then small things started to creep in. He's a slob, he leaves things lying everywhere. He makes sarcastic comments constantly. He pays next to nothing to live here and when he does go shopping its the bare minimum and then complains if anyone eats "his" food. He talks over everyone and its becoming unvearable. I've tried talking to my wife but we always end up arguing. I feel sorry for her as she's stuck in the middle between us. Its got to the point where im applying for jobs in other countries just to get away from him. Which isn't fair! This is my house! My wife and my kids yet he makes me feel like im the lodger here! I get so angry but can't say anything so I just hold it in. Its affecting everything. I feel so useless and unwanted. Please help!

[Geishawhelk]

If you know it's unfair asking your wife to intervene because she's in the middle - then do it yourself.

You can say and explain things without being rude or insulting, but you're a man, with a job, a wife and a family. You're an adult with responsibilities. So act like one.

If you keep succumbing to these conditions, then basically what you're doing is approving them wih resentment, which does nothing to improve the situation.

Takng jobs abroad to avoid the situation is - forgive me for saying so - spineless. It's running away from a situation you seem happy to let your wife suffer in.

 

Be the guy of the house, show some verbal muscle and explain to your FiL that the situation is intolerable. Pick him up on his habits, and tell him when things seem out of order to you. Politely, courteously, gently - but Firmly.

And never, ever expect our wife to do your work for you.

 

If he turns to her and says something like "Are you going to let him talk to me like that?" or something along those lines, then advise him to not bring her into it and ask her to take sides. It's your home, you pay the bills, and the rules of the house are yours. You love your wife and you will not stand by and see him make excessive work for her with everything else she has to do..... Defend her and support her. This is miserable for her, and having you behave like an ostrich - hiding his head in the sand in the hope you can avoid doing anything - is doubly hard. She has a domineering dad, and a husband who's pulling in the other direction.

 

You see what I mean.....?

[Woodster]

Thanks for the reply, but unfortunately you got the complete wrong end of the stick. My wife sides with my father in law constantly, I am not allowed to say anything wrong about him. I have been told if it came down to a choice between him and me then I would have to leave. I love my wife intensely and would never make her choose and I'm aware that she is in the middle of us both and suffers enough stress as it is. I keep quiet to so as to not "rock the boat".

Using the terms "spineless" and "burying my head like an ostrich" wasn't exactly a morale boost and to be honest mildly insulting.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

Then go ahead and suffer in silence...sheesh.

 

I'm with Geisha. I have a FIL who, while he doesn't live with us, is a total pita. I waited for years for my H to deal with him on my behalf--never happened. I told the bugger off myself and haven't had to deal with him since. Peace!

[Ronni_W]

He's a slob, he leaves things lying everywhere. He makes sarcastic comments constantly.

Is it possible your FiL's mental health is deteriorating due to age? -- If he hasn't had a medical appointment in a while, that might be a place to start. Also, it may be that HE has started to feel useless and incompetent to run his own life...self-anger and resentment that he needed to move in with you.

 

Which doesn't make the living conditions any more pleasant, but possibly some empathy and understanding might help YOU feel better.

 

Your wife's fears and guilts about losing or abandoning her Dad and "last relative" is also understandable...as much as it is misguided. She's doing great in her role of 'daughter' but at the expense of her roles as wife and mother.

 

At the same time, you are not role-modeling anything positive to your kids by not standing up for yourself, hiding, ignoring, denying...and going so far as to consider abandoning them just to protect/save yourself.

 

Have you two considered relationship/couples' counseling?

As well, you may benefit from learning how to express your own needs, wants and feelings more effectively...self-help or individual counseling.

 

It is a very difficult, sensitive and stress-filled situation but, as the others have said, it is calling for you to "man up" -- find your courage and your voice so that you can be the man, husband and father that YOU want to be. Best of luck.

[vintagecat]

Well....you have a situation in your household. Instead of feeling sorry for your wife you need her to step up and be a wife. The question is: Is she a wife or daughter first and foremost? Are you the man of the house or a meal ticket that pays the bills but has no say in their own house?

 

The first step is to get your wife to see and acknowledge how unhappy this situation is making you and perhaps other members of the household. I would call your local city, county, state mental health services ASAP and try to get a referral for a good couples therapist. If they won't give you one (many agencies wimp out and just give a list of all therapists) ask for the supervisor and ask them for a couple of names of who they might use if they were in relationship trouble. The medical and health services community knows who is good and who the hacks are but are often reluctant to give that information (potential lawsuits) or alternatively, if your workplace has an Employee Assistance program with free counseling services available (usually limited to a few sessions) through the human affairs department, you may avail yourself of that service alone for the first time to get a sense of the scope of your issue and a referral for a family counselor from that professional.

 

This is one problem that you won't get solved by yourself in all likelihood. While all of us can can pontificate at ease behind our keyboards of anonymity to "step it up and take back your household", you know as well as I do that there are big risks to your marriage (as if it isn't already in enough trouble as it is) and your wife is the linchpin to improving or further deteriorating the situation and your relationship. You, not so much. Normally the person most interested in maintaining the relationship has the least amount of leverage, (power) thus the very little power that you seem to have in your own home.

 

She needs to see things as they are and though the issues seem smallish, (the mess, the food) they are largely symbolic of the greater state of your relationship with your wife (not so much the father) and you aren't going to be able to show her these things yourself because by your own admission, she is not willing to listen. You will have to be willing I think to put a lot on the table (like moving out) and if she won't cooperate and at the very least be willing to go to counseling with an open mind, frankly you have your answer about the state of your marital relationship. What you are willing to live with though is up to you. Meal ticket or husband? Get working on it before it gets any worse.

 

You have my complete sympathy.

[vintagecat]

Oh and let me point out that one could jump right in to problem solving such as getting a nearby apartment etc and that may yet be an answer but the achilles heel is your relationship with your wife and her unwillingness to back you in attempts to restoring communication, civility and peace to your home.

 

I wonder how the kids are taking this? I had a good friend that had a cantankerous old coot (grandmother) of a relative living with them when she was a teenager and they resented her greatly for taking over the household. Clearly not an ideal view for family harmony or respect for the past generations. We kids called her "Granny Grunt" not to her face of course. Everyone cheered when "Granny" was moved on to the next unfortunate relative.

 

Best of luck to you.

[Woodster]

Thank you vintagecat for your support and understanding. I'll take your advice and give my local social services a call.

Its such a relief to hear from someone who actually understands my situation instead of the usual "stand up and be a man" speech that I keep hearing. I could open my mouth, I could demand my rights and I know if I did my wife would leave me and I'd lose contact with my children.

I love my wife dearly and I do feel for her being stuck between us. She loves her dad and she loves me and I'm not going to make her choose. Thats why I keep quiet, Thats why I don't rock the boat, but its so hard to contain and hide the frustration I have deep inside.

So once again I thank you vintagecat. At last! someone with a totally impartial view and an honest answer! THANKS!

[Geishawhelk]

Thanks for the reply, but unfortunately you got the complete wrong end of the stick. My wife sides with my father in law constantly, I am not allowed to say anything wrong about him.

You didn't make any of this clear in your post.

 

I have been told if it came down to a choice between him and me then I would have to leave. I love my wife intensely and would never make her choose and I'm aware that she is in the middle of us both and suffers enough stress as it is. I keep quiet to so as to not "rock the boat".

Using the terms "spineless" and "burying my head like an ostrich" wasn't exactly a morale boost and to be honest mildly insulting.

 

 

You didn't clarify that you feel isolated, dis-respected and helpless.

Complain all you like, but if you don't tell it like it is, you're going to get screwed feedback.

Which is exactly what's happening in your home right now. Isn't it?

Ineffective communication.

 

I wish you well, and hope that both you and your wife - and for that matter, your FiL - gain a happy solution and some positive conclusion to all of this.

[SierraRose]

1. Talk to your wife; tell her it's hurting your marriage

2. Counceling for you and W

3. Look for a nearby Assisted Living complex.

 

Note: Assisted living is not an old age home. They have their own apartment and meals are prepared for them. There are social gatherings and bus trips. He will meet others and (hopefully) begin to have a life of his own independent of yours.