Charles1978 Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 I'll be quick and to the point... there is a girl who I like. We've known eachother for several months. She knows I am interested. She has told me that she is interested. However, when given the chance, she withdraws and seems to almost ignore me. We do things together often, usually just us. Sometimes we hang out with friends. Whenever I take time to myself, she tells me she loves spending time with me and asks where I've been. We'll start hanging out again, but then she withdraws again. It is as if she wants to know that I am interested, but not willing to act upon it. We spent last weekend together with a group of friends. She once again frustrated me to no end... acting withdrawn, etc. So tonight, after having reached my limit of frustration, I told her that we can not hang out as much, and that trips we go on together need to end completely. That I cannot be just friends with girls that I am interested in. Maybe that is a fault, but it is what it is for me. I told her that the time we spend together has become nothing but frustrating to me. She didn't take this well. She teared up and apologized. I told her that I was sorry, but that if I change my mind, I would call her. She said that she hopes I would call her and we can try things out. But the bottom line is this... I think she is playing games. I refuse to get sucked into the friend zone, so I ended whatever we had. Now, she is basically asking for us to give it a try. Why is it that some people only reveal their feelings when they are faced with losing what they could have, so to speak? The way I see things is that relationships should not be forced. And decisions on dating someone should not be made under a threat of breaking things off. As much as I have wanted to date her, it just seems that the whole situation is forced. Would you agree? Would you try dating a girl who can't seem to figure out what she wants to do? I am thinking it might not even be worth the headache. Thoughts? Any similar situations? Link to post Share on other sites
icelove Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 stop being a dog, she's just enjoying the attention your giving her and that's one thing she can brag about. meet other girls if i were you Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 I don't understand what is she doing that makes you think she isn't interested in you? When you say she's withdrawn, how? I guess I need a little more info about her actions before I can give an opinion. Is she not affectionate? Will she not have sex with you? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 OP, observe her behavior around others, especially those whom she knows well. My instinct is that she has an attachment disorder. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 But the bottom line is this... I think she is playing games. I refuse to get sucked into the friend zone, so I ended whatever we had. Now, she is basically asking for us to give it Did you tell her this too? If not, DO so. Put it all out on the line for her! You have nothing to lose since you're ready to throw in the towel anyway. She sounds insecure, inexperienced and immature to be honest. Or, she has some issues that prevent her from communicating and acting normally in friendships/relationships. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charles1978 Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 I never told her that I think she is playing games. I just told her that her ignoring me goes against everything she has told me in private. And that this is frustrating to me, and I wont stand for it anymore. She is new to the area, so she doesn't really know anyone really well here. There are a couple of her girlfriends that she knows well, but I know them well also. They are all single, so I never thought much of how they acted together. They hang out just like anybody would I guess... nothing revealing from that. But it is when she is alone with me that she acts differently. Before this latest trip, she opened up to me and said that she likes spending time with me and that she likes me. So, I planned this trip for us. We were with the same group of friends, so she went right back to her weird approach. What is happening is that she lures me back with telling me that she is interested, but when I'm back where she wants me, she withdraws to herself and her girlfriends. I have pretty much decided to move on, but I just wanted to run it by this board to get some independent opinions. I am thinking of giving her one more chance, as I have finally made my intentions completely clear to her now. If she does the same thing, that'll be it for me. But part of me wants to just move on because of the games that have already been played. Link to post Share on other sites
mishy Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 I just ses a little hazy as to what exactly is going on. The "withdrawn" part... It could be as simple as this: maybe , because she is new to the area, and doesnt know many people, she doesnt want to fall into a relationship so soon, where the bf will become the centre of her life, and taking up so much time that she doesnt meet anyone else. If I were you, maybe yeah stop the trips away, and just tone down the friendship. You are obviously really emotionally involved already, and she is in a grey area, so just tone it down, but i wouldnt end all contact. Chillax, and see what happens Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charles1978 Posted November 11, 2008 Author Share Posted November 11, 2008 Well, I wouldn't say that I'm emotionally involved yet. I like the girl, but I just wanted to know that I am doing the right thing. After I told her this, she said some more things that lead me to believe that she wants me to try a relationship. But the problem with her is not that I am stressing about her, per say. But I just don't know what to believe from her anymore. I will admit that I probably am to blame as well. She told me she likes me and basically asked ME out the week before our trip. And I told her then... lets go on this trip and have fun. Whatever happens happens kind of approach. Then she flakes out on me. I called her on it, so that's all I could do. She said she wants me to call her, but I'm not liking the pattern of behavior here. I might give her another shot, but I just cant decide. I have to admit that at this point, I'm leaning towards moving on. We'll see. Just have to think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
mishy Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 It jus sounded like you were emotionally involved to some degree. I'd give it ONE more shot and then drop the idea. Is she really young or something? Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 She has told me that she is interested. However, when given the chance, she withdraws and seems to almost ignore me. We do things together often, usually just us. Sometimes we hang out with friends. When given the chance to do WHAT, WHEN? I get how she may become withdrawn when you're all part of a group. But how is she withdrawing from, and ignoring you, when it's just you and her? What romantic advances have you made towards her, that she has ignored or rejected? -- Is it possible that YOU are having difficulty "making your move" when YOU have the chance, when you're just a twosome? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charles1978 Posted November 11, 2008 Author Share Posted November 11, 2008 When given the chance to do WHAT, WHEN? Making conversation, etc. I attempted to make a move on the trip, and she told me she felt pressured. I was about to pull my hair out with this girl. It is CLEAR to me that there are some issues with her that I don't know about yet. I thnk someone asked her age... she's 27, and I'm 2 years older. I'm going to give it another shot. I have nothing to lose. I'll ask her out, and she will accept. We'll see what happens then. I'll report back. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Good luck - I totally agree that you ought to give it at least one more shot! I'm also taking it that generally she IS a good conversationalist, confident and such? (Maybe she just was uncomfortable on the trip cos you two were with the rest of the group? Has she rejected advances that you make when you two are by yourselves?) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charles1978 Posted November 12, 2008 Author Share Posted November 12, 2008 She is like a totally different person when we are alone together. We have a great time, and we don't stop talking. She is different, that's for sure. But that's not a bad thing. I'm not upset with her or anything, just frustrated. We'll see how it goes. Thanks for the replies. Link to post Share on other sites
Left in a Lurch Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 You have to push it and make her make a decision. How are you going to feel a couple of months from now when she invites you on a trip and when you stop by to pick her up she introduces you to her new boyfriend? That is where you are headed. She will not think twice about it and expect you will be her friend she can call when her boyfriend pisses her off. There is nothing wrong with forcing her to make an adult decision. You want a romantic relationship and she has indicated she doesn't. Most people cannot remain friends with someone they are interested in who is not interested back because the friendship is based on a faulty foundation when one of the parties is interested in more than being a friend. It is best for both of you if she decides one way or another. Her being not interested means move on unless you feel like being a 3rd wheel when you hang out with her and whatever boyfriend she parades in front of you. You did the right thing, stick to it. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 Here are some possibilities that come to my mind: She may be genuinely shy and may not know exactly how to act around you. She may also be reserved, which would explain why she acts differently when other people are around. It may be also that she doesn't want you to feel smothered and distances herself when other people are around so that you have your freedom. She may not want to have sex right away, either, and may be concerned that if you make advances toward her, that you'll expect more than she's ready to give. Who knows really but all you have to do is talk to her about it honestly. Let her know your perspective, she can tell you hers and then if she continues the behavior, drop her. It won't change. But I'm thinking she may not be aware of what she's doing, or may think she's doing the right thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Charles1978 Posted November 12, 2008 Author Share Posted November 12, 2008 Chatroom... don't you worry... I don't do the friend zone thing. Not gonna happen. The more I think about it, the more I realize that I haven't done enough either. She is probably just as frustrated as I am. We'll see what happens. Link to post Share on other sites
Ronni_W Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 The more I think about it, the more I realize that I haven't done enough either. Yeah...that's what I was thinking -- you're hitting on her when she is feeling most vulnerable (with the group), and then hanging back too far when you two are alone. If she is naturally shy/withdrawn in the group, as you say, can't get upset or frustrated about that. That is how it is gonna be...all you CAN do there is dial it back a bit in consideration -- and she will really appreciate you for it, too, I'll bet. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
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