THood Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 We are going through some really tough times right now. We have been together for 7 years and married for a bit over 2. I def. felt tha things were not as hot and heavy over the past few months and the first episode was about 1 1/2 months ago. she said she needed space and to think some things over. I told her I understood and she could have whatever she needed to help and deal with the situation. We had the most amazing sex we have had in a long time and things seemed to be going alot better. Until about 2 weeks ago. She became very unaffectionate and cold, not showing to many signs of love and affection at all. I sensed something so I mentioned it and it just turned into a disaster. She was saying things like she questions our future together and is not sure that she is in love with me anymore. She needs space to figure out what is going on. it has been four days that we have not stayed together and it looks like it is going to be a bit more at least. She said she has felt this for some time but is only putting the pieces together now. What can I do to help this situation? Is this just a typical Phase that people go through after getting married? I am so completely lost without her. She is my best friend and my entire world revolves around her. She says she is willing to go to therapy for both her and us together. Please, any advice would help a ton. Link to post Share on other sites
BikerBeagle Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 What can I do to help this situation? Is this just a typical Phase that people go through after getting married? I am so completely lost without her. She is my best friend and my entire world revolves around her. She says she is willing to go to therapy for both her and us together. Please, any advice would help a ton.Are you certain she isn't interested in another guy? ...off the internet or at work? Yes, these days there does seem to be a typical phase that people go through after getting married ...it's called the divorce phase. I wish I could give you something positive to hold on to, but I've seen this so many times. She's been walking out the door for 1 1/2 months, she's already coped with it, and the chances are pretty slim that she's going to give it another chance. Of course, I don't know that for a fact ...it's just that I've seen precious few success stories in these situations. The best thing you can do, probably, is go NC for a while ...use the time to examine and work on the idea that your "entire world revolved around her", which is ultimately the problem ...maybe you got too needy? If she wants to get back in touch, she knows where you are and how to get in contact. If not, there's nothing you can do or say to "help the situation". Continuing to contact her will, more likely, push her farther away. Sorry, man =( Link to post Share on other sites
Author THood Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 There isn't anyone else involved. i know this for a fact. and hearing this advice really doesnt help. Of course i will give her as much space as she needs. Many other people tha I have recently talked to, professional and otherwise, have been syaing that this is a common phase that women go through once the marriage loses its spark, and that the best thing to do is to slowly try to uncover the the positive feelings of the past the are know being covered by the negative feelings. i can only hope that this is the case. Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 Sorry, this sucks. I think you've handled it ok so far. The important thing is not to just give her "space", but to do it in a way that doesn't imply that you'll put up with anything. It's very tricky and I can't give you a template, but basically, don't say i'll give you whatever you need, but something like i love you very much, but i see that you do not feel the same way, so i have no choice but to leave (don't threaten with divorse...), and be ready to to actually do it.... Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 THood, I'd say her sudden change may be due to her seeing another man. Link to post Share on other sites
Dexter Morgan Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 There isn't anyone else involved. i know this for a fact. How do you know that for a "fact"? and hearing this advice really doesnt help. You are being told that by people who have been there and done that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author THood Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 She Has told me time and time again that there is no one else. So have friends and family. I guess i dont know for a fact but i feel confident about it. she wants to work on our relationship which means a great deal to me. I appreciate the honesty and advice, I guess i was looking a bit more for some positive feelings and it just hit me the wrong way because I really believe that we can get through this together. Thanks for all the advice. Link to post Share on other sites
movingonandon Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 She Has told me time and time again that there is no one else. So have friends and family. I guess i dont know for a fact but i feel confident about it. she wants to work on our relationship which means a great deal to me. I appreciate the honesty and advice, I guess i was looking a bit more for some positive feelings and it just hit me the wrong way because I really believe that we can get through this together. Thanks for all the advice. You can believe her at this point, but don't take this for granted, because at this vulnerable point in your relationship, all it takes is meeting someone "new", who is "understanding", blah-blahblah, completely by chance, for things to "happen". That's why you can't wait too long for things to work out. She needs to comprehend the implications of losing you and the life you're having, and if she does, chances are she will come around. That's why I think you should give her space, communicate (in a non-clingy and begging way) that you love her very much, but also make it clear that you won't be hangin on forever... Link to post Share on other sites
skinman Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 I feel for you Thood, my wife of 15 years dropped the bomb 2 weeks ago and asked me to move out. She said she needed her space and was through with our marriage. As with you I have tried to get my wife to give the marriage another chance but at this point she has no thoughts of trying. I got an email from her yesterday say it was over to leave her alone and work on myself and not our relationship. She said her feeling for me would never change and she didnt want a relationship with me or anyone else for that. So I would advise you to work on yourself find things to make you happy give her the space she asks for> its hard for me to advise this because i didnt give mine the space she asked for and this is the boat i am in. Look after yourself and maybe time apart will help her decide that she misses you but in the meantime look forward to living the single life and find something that you enjoy doing and make yourself happy first. best wishes for you my friend. Dont make the mistake that i did and try to hard. It only makes the situation worse... Link to post Share on other sites
Author THood Posted November 11, 2008 Author Share Posted November 11, 2008 Thanks skinman. I am so sorry you are there right know. I totally here you when you say to give her the space she needs and to not crowd her. That is exactly what I am going to do. Last night we got together for a glass of wine and then went to her dads B-Day. The hour we spent together before the party was a great step into figuring out what the hell is going on. It seems that she has been suppressing feelings inside of her and that she has let herself ignore those feelings for the sake of just making it easier. Obviously they are coming out right now. She has full intentions on both figuring out exactly what she needs for herself as well as going to counseling so we can start to work towards getting back to where we were before. She has not completely moved out and has no intention of doing so at the moment. she is staying at our rental house for the time being and only taking a little bit of cloths so she can stay down there and get her head wrapped around this situation. I now believe that we can get through this although it is going to be a tough climb. My goals now are to give her the space that she needs, begin working on what I need to do to keep my head strong and independent, and to begin therapy ASAP. The problem with Therapy is that it seems that everyone else out there is going through the same thing and it might be weeks before we get into see someone. That alone is the one of the biggest hurtles to jump. I think if we can get some prof. help soon It might help her realize not only what is going on with her but at the same time realize that coming home is the best way to start to deal with things, both for her and us. Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 She Has told me time and time again that there is no one else. So have friends and family. I guess i dont know for a fact but i feel confident about it. she wants to work on our relationship which means a great deal to me. I appreciate the honesty and advice, I guess i was looking a bit more for some positive feelings and it just hit me the wrong way because I really believe that we can get through this together. Thanks for all the advice. Heard that on this site and seen a good many a times. Unless you have proof, most often the women rarely admit seeing someone else. Always go into these situations hope for the best but also expecting the worst, so when the truth finally surfaces, of which it will, the news will be a little easier to absorb. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
dannydrifter Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 If I was you, I would take some time off work and book a surprise trip for you and your wife. Take her somewhere warm and exotic. Create a positive memory that you and she can definitely reference in the future. Other than that, just be cool and easy going. Buy her a small gift, take her for dinner. Do things steadily, so it doesn't look like it's all of a sudden now. But be cool so you don't risk pushing her away. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Here is some positivity in the midst of the naysayers. Your situation is far from hopeless. She could simply just be going through what she says. She needs space because for some reason she has lost her feelings for you. Big deal. One thing in marriage that happens is that the feelings of love subside. My wife said the same thing to me over three years ago (we have been married over 18 years). She lost all her feelings for me. They came back, and six months later she was incredibly passionate with me. And I have had the same "roller coaster" of feelings. Do not give up. Feelings come and go. I can say that one thing that will make an impression on her during this time of her confusion of feelings is your commitment to her and your show of love to her. Backing off and ignoring her will say that you do not care for her. As for another guy, anything is possible, but two things...believe her until she proves unbelievable, and love her until she proves unlovable. Serious. Since she says there is no other guy, then it is likely that there is. And if everyone else says this, then it is more likely. Sure, you can dwell on the "what ifs" and at that point, you probably will lose her. Dwell on what can be, and you may gain her back. If it all falls apart, then at least you will know that you tried everything that you could. If you do not try and it DOES fall apart, then you will be wondering why you did not try harder. And there is still a good chance that she will come back and everything will work out. Do not quit. Keep loving her. And despite what those here say...at least those who have lost their wives, it is not hopeless. Many marriages have reached crisis points as you have, and many have been revived with the passion of love being stronger than it was in the past. As someone said to me, "Seduce your wife, or someone else may." Link to post Share on other sites
dannydrifter Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 JamesM, great advice. I wish there were more people like you here! Link to post Share on other sites
JamesM Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Thanks, danny. I agree that too often the advice given here is the negative. The ones who have the positive outcomes do not always take the time to report them...and they should. As for another guy, anything is possible, but two things...believe her until she proves unbelievable, and love her until she proves unlovable. Serious. Since she says there is no other guy, then it is likely that there is. And if everyone else says this, then it is more likely. Sure, you can dwell on the "what ifs" and at that point, you probably will lose her. Dwell on what can be, and you may gain her back. I see I made a goof. I meant to say that if she says that she has no other guy, then believe her. It is quite likely that she does NOT have a guy. Why try to rebuild your marriage if you start by not believing and trusting the one person whom you want to trust? If her friends and family say that she is telling the truth, then I think her word and their word should be believed above the words of faceless strangers in cyberspace. Until there is no hope, then keep going. If someone had told me that day in our kitchen when my wife said she lost all feelings for me (and yes, I can still picture her face and feel my reaction), "In six months, she will be passionate for you and it will feel like a honeymoon," then I probably would not have believed them. BUT...I would have hung on to that hope and done everything to make that day come true. No one told me that, but I did resolve to make that day happen. After that day, I did have some doubts about us, but in November of that year, I decided to find out how to change our marriage. I joined here in December, and in April of 2006, our marriage was the best it had been in probably five or more years. Since then it has fluctuated (never that low though), but we are much better friends and have a stronger commitment. Life can be good. If I told YOU that in six months your life will be better than ever, would you not do everything to make that day happen? So go do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author THood Posted November 11, 2008 Author Share Posted November 11, 2008 Wow. Thank you so much JamesM. Those words of encouragement help so much with everything that I am going through. I am a very positive person and want to remain that way because that will always carry me through. And that is what brought my wife and I together originally among other things. The advice that dannydrifter gave is something that I would love to do, but I really think that it might be a bit much for her right now, she needs to reconnect with what is going on inside her first and then, once we get closer to figuring this entire thing out I will plan on doing exactly that. Again, thank you so much for your advice JamesM. Positive thought is the best therapy and the only way i can keep my head above the water. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 I would not suggest doing anything except hiring a PI and finding out for sure that there is no one else. Link to post Share on other sites
Author THood Posted November 11, 2008 Author Share Posted November 11, 2008 I dont think I can go with the PI bit. As jamesM said before trust is very important for the future. I really need to respect her space. She is contemplating on whether or not we truly "line up" and needs time alone to do this. The best thing I can think of now is to just not contact her and see her at therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
HighPlainsDrifter Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 I would not suggest doing anything except hiring a PI and finding out for sure that there is no one else. I hate to be negative, but LB might be on to something. I've just seen this too many times as the "reason" someone needs a little "space to figure things out". Hope we're wrong and sorry about your situation. Best wishes man... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 I've just seen this too many times as the "reason" someone needs a little "space to figure things out". I used it as an excuse nearly every time I cheated. It always worked, too. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts