syncopated Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 My girlfriend of two years travels a lot. It's what she likes to do. Unfortunately for me, she likes to travel to relatively unaffordable international locations that are never within my financial grasp. Basically, I never go on trips with her because I simply can't afford to. So she goes with her single friends or her sisters. Yeah I know people, I know... Ok cool I'm mature I can handle it, I trust her, after all I can catch up on some other things I have to do and hang out with friends etc... Ok last year she went to Europe and made out with some guy in a club when she was dancing and drinking. She told me about it. Cool, thanks honey but I was really upset about that and hurt. Moving on to a few months ago when she went to NY with her single friend and told me she wanted a wedding ring so that she could repel guys hitting on her. And now fast forward to the present: this weekend,she's in a tropical country for 2 weeks and she was online from the hotel she's staying in and chats to me that some guy kissed her on the weekend when she was drinking and dancing. This is getting old. I'm starting to feel like an idiot but I really love this girl. I got kinda pissed and told her I was going to drink and dance with strangers this weekend after she told me. She suggested that I wasn't being nice. So what? Anyway she said she told the guy she wasn't interested bla bla bla etc... Then I got to thinking about how maybe I shouldn't even be in a serious relationship, because as much as I want to trust her, I get this horrible feeling in my stomach that something is off... I can only accept what she tells me as truth because I am not there with her on her trips, ultimately I will never know how often this happens and just how much the situations escalate and to what degree. What are the sequence of events that allow for her to have guys kissing her? I don't want to deal with this anymore. Should I just break up with her? Take a break from her? I get hit on a lot but always turn down so I don't think I'll have any problems hooking up... Anyone else ins a similar situation? Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 So are you cool with her holidaying w/o you. To me this marks the level of respect. While I cannot speak for circumstances that lead to her compromising circumstances, it is apparent that you appear somewhere down the food chain in her list of priorities. She may well be honest, but right now you seem to be an accessory boyfriend. Do you need this? No? Then you have two options: i) Beat it, but be a gentleman and do this politely. ii) Express your feeling and concerns. Set limits without trying to control. State quite simply that exclusivity in the relationship includes away vacations with enabling relatives. If you get any resistance to point ii), go with point i) and do NOT look back. PS. I have walked in your shoes and have the blisters to prove it. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 She can't do anything about it if guys are attracted to her and hit on her. However, she can certainly give them the back off signals a lot sooner so they don't feel they can try kissing her. Sounds like she's flirting back to the point they think their kiss would be welcomed. She's not drawing the boundaries with these guys soon enough or clearly enough. Yes, you have a right to be upset about that. If she can't respect your views on that, then she's not the girl for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 I dunno... I get the impression she's dangling these situations under your nose to test your boundaries. She seems to want to know how far she can push your tolerance levels. The way I see it, she may well be telling the truth. in which case, I agree completely with norajane in that she's leaving herself too opern to approach. She could easily distance herself a lot sooner. The other way to view it is that - she could actually be making this all up. you have no way of physically knowing whether all this is really actually going on. Maybe she's making up these scenarios, and living in a self-made fantasy world to put ideas in your head and get a reaction..... Either way she is disrespecting you hugely, and toying with your emotions, and frankly, she needs a wake up call. you need to read her the riot act, and tell her that when she comes home, she's either got to commit to counselling and change - or commit to changing address. Link to post Share on other sites
Author syncopated Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 Yeah this situation is annoying. My girlfriend is very hot and though I made her sound a little evil, she's actually quite a cool chick and everyone that meets her wants to be her friend, so I can totally see what you mean norajane. I think that's what she might be up to, just being a little too nice. Anyway I don't know how I'm going to deal with this situation still. I'll play a little immature game and not reply to her emails and I'll do a lot of reflecting, make up my mind after this weekend I suppose. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 It goes beyond her just being too nice. She is allowing the kissing to happen. Nice doesn't get you kisses from strangers. Flirting with them does. Link to post Share on other sites
Author syncopated Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 No doubt eh? I'm totally allowing anything to happen to me this weekend. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 No doubt eh? I'm totally allowing anything to happen to me this weekend. If you were a hot girl, drinking and dancing and flirting with the guys who are flirting with you while drinking and dancing, yep, you'd get kissed. Link to post Share on other sites
Author syncopated Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 I know you're totally right. I wonder wonder how many details she drops from the stories she tells me? Anyway I really hate that it's only Monday. It's going to be a long week. Link to post Share on other sites
Gato Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 a break or anything like that might push her to do more. getting even never works. she sounds a little attention hungry and that's all it might be. idk who said the boundary thing, but that's a good possibility too. she's testing you and trying to get a rise out of you. Link to post Share on other sites
officegirl Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 I'm in a similar situation. Just reverse the guy and girl. My guy travels a lot for work and his work is no ordinary corporate travel kind of job. It's in the music industry and he goes on tour with bands constantly. I hear all kinds of stories. Sometimes, I think he tells me about girls flirting with him to make me jealous. I normally don't respond to this. If I knew what to tell you, I so would and wouldn't be having this issue either I guess you just evaluate the likelihood that your SO cheating. Decide if the rest of the relationship is worth it. If not, break up. If so, practice trust until it is broken. However, on a side note, if my guy told me any stories about some chicks lips on his, I'd be done. That wouldn't fly at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author syncopated Posted November 10, 2008 Author Share Posted November 10, 2008 Yeah I don't even know right now I'm just really angry at this situation. If I push her away it'll be my fault for getting revenge. Revenge feels good I don't care what anybody says. I don't know what the likelyhood is that she could be cheating. The relationship could be worth it. Lots of guys would want a cool and smart girlfriend like she is. Anyway officegirl, your boyfriend that's in a band... Tough call. Just hope that his band really really sucks and then no girls will want him! Link to post Share on other sites
officegirl Posted November 10, 2008 Share Posted November 10, 2008 haha. thanks! But he's not in the band exactly, he runs sound. I know I know, groupies makin' plays for the desperate crew guys. Oh well, like I said, you've got a few options. I choose to have trust unless and until it's broken considering that despite a few flirting stories here and there, I really have no evidence to support that he is cheating. Thing is, I think that there is no one who is impervious to flirting and even cheating given the perfect circumstance. It's all an exercise in self control and it is work. It just seems hard on us folks at home waiting for them to come back right? Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 why not just reverse things? wait alittle while (weeks), then go out , later e-mail her the same crap. Link to post Share on other sites
Author syncopated Posted November 11, 2008 Author Share Posted November 11, 2008 But I guess I need to ask myself why, as mentioned above by others: my gf would be testing my boundaries? Why is she trying to get a rise out of me? What is the motive? She knows I would never do anything to break her heart, I mean I thought I gave her just enough attention, not too much not too little, we do things together and apart, we do talk a lot and don't keep secrets from each other, though it feels totally different when she goes away on her trips: at least 4 per year... It's like she's a stranger when she leaves. And now she's emailed me telling me she loves me so much and there could be no one else and she's sorry and she downplayed it like it was an innocent kiss and bla bla bla and wants to come over next week when she gets back. I'm not replying to her message. And yes mark I totally feel like that. It's pretty much the first thing that popped into my head. Link to post Share on other sites
Jay34 Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 i forgave my girl for a kiss once, i really shouldnt have, what you are saying should be more than enough to break up with her, can you see this woman as the mother of your kids Link to post Share on other sites
samspade Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Yeah I don't even know right now I'm just really angry at this situation. If I push her away it'll be my fault for getting revenge. Revenge feels good I don't care what anybody says. Don't blame yourself for setting boundaries that she shouldn't cross in your relationship. And don't think about getting revenge. What you should be thinking about is your self-respect, which is something that no woman (or anyone else) should force you to compromise. And don't examine why she might be testing your boundaries...realize that she is doing it, repeatedly, and that it's disrespectful to you. Who cares what her motive is? There are some women out there - SOME - who will push and push because they don't believe you would ever have the stones to dump them. It's like a little kid drawing on the wall when he knows he shouldn't. Will the parent take away his crayons and shut him in his room? Or will they just lecture him again? I'm not advising you to break up with her - that's up to you. But I am advising you to keep in mind that you should never tolerate immature or disrespectful behavior while attempting to hold on to your girlfriend, no matter how hot she is. You always have to be willing to walk away, no matter what. Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Syncopated... deep down you know very well why she goes on these trips. And you are also aware that what she tells you is just a tiny bit of what really happend. You just have to decide if you want to live with it or not. I am not saying that she has no feelings for you... it appears that she just likes to have her cake from time to time. I am sorry man. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Hum.. that doesn't look too good for you my friend.. Methink she's having a good time there without you.. My advice: move on.. you're definitely NOT on the same page.. financially, etc.. so, unless you're a masochist.. I say leave her.. Link to post Share on other sites
AAlike Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 yeah I agree with everyone else. Honestly, the cheating or lack thereof might not even be your biggest problem. I can't imagine repeatedly going on vacation and leaving my girlfriend at home. if she was broke (actually, she is!) i'd probably be taking half as many vacations and paying for two on the ones that I did go on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author syncopated Posted November 11, 2008 Author Share Posted November 11, 2008 Hey thanks everyone for this awesome feedback. Seriously you all make great good points: About knowing deep down why she goes on these trips, and how she goes on vacation all the time without me, but that's cause she can afford to and can get time off which is a double negative for me, about the kid drawing on the wall and not being on the same page... The boundaries: Well here's the thing. I would totally have a threesome with her I wouldn't care you know? I would totally be able to handle it, It's just not being there and only seeing the tip of the iceberg... You know ? I don't want to interrogate her and launch and investigation each time she's out of my sight. I have to trust her. And I do, when she's home or away. and every thing's cool. And she trusts me. It's just when I hear stuff like this that confirms my strange horrible gut feelings...It's like being in some absurd competition with your gf you know? It's really simple when I read people's opinions on this forum and I start to feel really worked up. But the truth is it's difficult. If I had hard evidence it would be a lot easier. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 What isn't difficult is knowing whether you are happy or not with the status quo. If you are happy, content, no worries. If you aren't, then sitting back and doing nothing will change nothing. If you aren't happy, then you have to do something, even if that's leaving her and finding someone who doesn't cause you to question her loyalty when she's partying with other men. Link to post Share on other sites
stoopidgirl Posted November 11, 2008 Share Posted November 11, 2008 Hi here is a new postcard for you: Dear Syncopated How are you? I'm having an amazing time here on I Don't Love You Island. Did you realise that when I'm kissing random guys that I am definitely cheating on you? Why are you putting up with that? No-one deserves that. It's just that I don't respect you at all. And how about how I always tell you about it? I'm just wasting your time while I work out my issues about how I deep down hate men by enjoying hurting you. Oh and do you realise I'm trying to manipulate you into making a commitment to me by making you jealous and demanding a wedding ring? Just think how great that would be, it would be a license to hurt you even more, yay! You see I am bad news and obviously have issues! You really need to respect yourself more and send me packing on my next trip with a one-way ticket to F*ck Off. Love, Cheater Link to post Share on other sites
Author syncopated Posted November 11, 2008 Author Share Posted November 11, 2008 Nicely put stoopidgirl. I just need to digest it a little moe though norajane, because I agree with you 100% that if guys are attracted to her, it's not her fault. But for a guy to kiss a girl takes something from the girl. It's so frustrating not knowing what I need to know. I wish there was a way I could get her to cough up the dirt? Anyway people I really appreciate all your replies thanks for your advice. Link to post Share on other sites
troubadour Posted November 12, 2008 Share Posted November 12, 2008 syncopated... do you really believe that nothing else has ever happend on her trips except for kissing other guys? Man, you have to get serious. Link to post Share on other sites
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