I am getting married in 10 days: How do I win back her trust?

[Misfitt613]

I am getting married in 10 days, and I need a very effective way to win back the trust of the greatest love of my life. On the night of my bachelor party, my so called friends went out to get a bite to eat at about 3:00 in the morning. They ended up bringing back some random woman that they met in the drive through. Back to my house which I was letting them stay as a guest. I was not a big enough person to force her out when I had the chance. My best man has apologized to me profusely, but I have lost other friendships that were established for over 20 years. These people (Ushers to boot) are even not coming to the wedding anymore.

Not only did I not tell my fiancé' about the situation immediately, when I did tell her about it I was sketchy on the details and didn't tell the story as accurately as I should have. After I had sent out an email that blasted my friends for both that problem and other problems we had in the past, they called me back and blasted me. In the blasting things came up that I hadn’t remembered: the fact that she stayed longer or the order of what happened in the house. At the end of the night when all the blasting was done, I told my fiancé’ more of the story that I hadn’t remembered correctly or told her properly. This was a lie on my part and I realize that. She can now not trust me and I can’t say that “I would never lie to you.” She feels she couldn’t even smile nor do the loving things that should be done at a wedding.

She is expecting a grand gesture to help make our wedding day a happy one, and I don’t know how to make it right. The grandest gesture I can think of is committing to her for life. I have told her it would never happen again and that I want her to think of our love in the past and know that it can be that way again, but I can’t make it right. What can I do?

[midori]

Your post makes it sound like "something" with this random woman "just happened." And what, specifically, would that be? You indicate that your friends are to blame for using bad judgement in bringing the woman to your home. Yet you are in trouble.

 

I think if you want to make things right, you need to be a bit more direct and honest with yourself and the other people involved -- your friends, your fiancee -- about what happened, with whom, and how. If you had sexual contact with this woman you've got no one but yourself to blame.

 

I suspect that your girlfriend is looking for you to find a way to reassure her that something like this will never, ever happen again. Before you start making grand gestures (which are fine, by the way, so long as you don't forget that they are JUST gestures) you probably ought to make it explicitly clear to her how mortified you are by your behavior that evening, so mortified that in a moment of temporary insanity and gross immaturity you took the coward's route and lied. Tell her that you really do understand how that just made things worse -- not just for her but for you too. But of course what matters is that it made things worse for her. (your bad feelings don't count when you're the supplicant). Get your message across by making it sincere.

 

Then let the grand gestures commence. Ask her friends or sister what would be a good move.

 

Time to grow up!

[Misfitt613]

I'm sorry for being vague, I guess I am looking for quick answer to a complicated problem. But, thanks for the help: as much as you could give with the limited info. We are on the road to recovery and nothing heals like time.

 

Time to grow up is right. I appreciate the advice.

[striving]

One Question: Did you have sexual intercourse with this woman or not.? That's the six million dollar question that even Clinton failed on.

 

If you did, then ask yourself, are you really committed to the woman you are about to marry.??