Got the email I dreaded

[skinman]

hello all,

you have read a few of my posts in the past few weeks or so. I have been separated for 2 weeks... well I received an email from my wife telling me to move on and stop trying to fix the relationship. She said its to late for me to change and if i do change her feelings will never change towards me and she will never want a relationship with me again. My heart is broken , someone I have loved and spent a 1/3 of my life with could be so cold and heartless.. how do i go on now.. I still had hope but it has been shattered !! and the thought of seeing my girls now will be even harder .

[whichwayisup]

Sorry to hear this skinman..But it seems your wife has made a decision, detached herself from you and sadly you have no choice but to accept it and try your best to stay away from her.

 

Talk to a lawyer, make sure you two get shared custody of the kids and keep conversations with her about the kids and dividing stuff up, selling the house etc.. No more personal chat or anything with her because all that will do is piss her off.

 

I know it's hard to accept, and you could benefit from counseling to help you through this, to be strong and cope with all that's going on.

 

She's changed and whatever her reasons are (met someone else or just fell out of love with you) the focus has to be on making this process as easy as possible for the kids sake. I DO hope she is fair and puts them first, focussing on their needs not just hers.

[skinman]

Sorry to hear this skinman..But it seems your wife has made a decision, detached herself from you and sadly you have no choice but to accept it and try your best to stay away from her.

 

Talk to a lawyer, make sure you two get shared custody of the kids and keep conversations with her about the kids and dividing stuff up, selling the house etc.. No more personal chat or anything with her because all that will do is piss her off.

 

I know it's hard to accept, and you could benefit from counseling to help you through this, to be strong and cope with all that's going on.

 

She's changed and whatever her reasons are (met someone else or just fell out of love with you) the focus has to be on making this process as easy as possible for the kids sake. I DO hope she is fair and puts them first, focussing on their needs not just hers.

 

Thanks whichwayisup,

 

it is hard to deal with and hopefully now it will be easier to move on. I have an appointment with an attorney this afternoon to look into my options. so far she hasnt been bad about allowing me to see the girls and hopefully that continues. it is hard to think about someone who a month ago we were making plans for the future.. and now look where we are she cant even stand to look at me or talk with me. a part of me still wants to hold out hope that maybe she is having a mid life crisis but who knows

[whichwayisup]

Then you tell your wife, pointblank: You and I MUST be on good term for the kids sake so I hope you have it in you to respect ME as their father.

 

Don't have any hope because her actions are matching her words. Sorry to say that, but for now you can't entertain those thoughts..

 

Worst case senario? You two divorce, she regrets it and then you two can casually date in the future. But, focus on the kids for now..Be less chatty with her, cut off your emotions around her as she doesn't need to know what you think or feel anymore. Showing her that stuff will only give her power over you and the situation itself.

[imagine]

This is far from over.

 

Read the articles at marriagebuilders.com. Articles like "Why women leave men" for instance.

 

But START reading NOW. You owe it to your family.

 

Post us when you have learned what a plan A is.

[skinman]

Then you tell your wife, pointblank: You and I MUST be on good term for the kids sake so I hope you have it in you to respect ME as their father.

 

Don't have any hope because her actions are matching her words. Sorry to say that, but for now you can't entertain those thoughts..

 

Worst case senario? You two divorce, she regrets it and then you two can casually date in the future. But, focus on the kids for now..Be less chatty with her, cut off your emotions around her as she doesn't need to know what you think or feel anymore. Showing her that stuff will only give her power over you and the situation itself.

 

thanks... I have been leaving her alone for the most part but after reading this is has torn me up. he knows that I still love her and want to be with her. I am hoping that in time she will change her mind if I give her space and go on with my life. Its hard though she has been my best friend and everything for 15 years..

 

thanks for the support !!

 

Skinman

[skinman]

This is far from over.

 

Read the articles at marriagebuilders.com. Articles like "Why women leave men" for instance.

 

But START reading NOW. You owe it to your family.

 

Post us when you have learned what a plan A is.

 

thanks imagine,

has this worked for you ? I dont want to give up and hope in time she misses me. How do I do plan B when i have children ? i have been doing plan A and will continue but I am afraid its to late.

 

thanks for your response !

[dannydrifter]

This is far from over.

 

Read the articles at marriagebuilders.com. Articles like "Why women leave men" for instance.

 

But START reading NOW. You owe it to your family.

 

Post us when you have learned what a plan A is.

 

Thanks for the link. That site is inspiring, and gives one hope. This site, full of experts like Caliguy and whoever else, mostly makes one feel more depressed and hopeless. Most people just know how to say NC NC, move on move on. Need to limit the time spent on this forum.

[dannydrifter]

One thing is for sure - if you want your wife or ex back, best to go to some other place for help on that. Loveshack is probably worst place for that sort of guidance. If you like to be filled with negativity, this is the place to come to when you break up. Sure, it might temporarily help you to feel better being surrounded by others going through the same problems. But eventually your mind will be chipped away until all you feel is like a hopeless basket case.

[JamesM]

Most people just know how to say NC NC, move on move on. Need to limit the time spent on this forum.

 

If you will read some of the posts, then you will see that there a few that say it is not always necessary to move on.

 

There are examples of marriages that have been rebuilt after an affair and after one spouse has decided to leave.

 

What you receive here is going to be opinions based on experiences. Those who have chosen to fix their marriages and succeeded may not be at such boards as these. NOT that LS is bad by any means ( as my post count shows, I certainly appreciate and enjoy it:)), but when marriages succeed after affairs, very few people return to share that success with others. Most who have failed in their marriages...even if they are in a different relationship... or are struggling in their marriages remain.

 

This by no means discounts their advice, but one needs to realize that there are other opinions that may be helpful. So if I were in such a situation, then I would be members of different boards with different perspectives (such as DivorceBusting dot com. All perspectives would be helpful.

 

On the other hand, to take only the advice that is "pie in the sky" is not practical either. Optimism is great but when it is only fantasy and not reality, then it is bound to lead to disappointment and failure.

 

Note to all posters....seek advice from all angles, and do not choose advice simply because it sounds most pleasing. Choose different perspectives and try each solution. One never knows which solution may be the answer for one's particular situation.

[TrustInYourself]

Read books, stay active, invest in yourself.

 

Marriage builders is just one avenue and one approach to the situation. Educate yourself and take solace in the fact that many people face this same situation.

 

I reconciled with my wife after she repeatedly told me she was done and that it was over. She told me she considered divorce months before she made the decision to leave.

 

So what. Consider this. At one point you were the most attractive man in the world to her. All you have to do is regain yourself, end the complacency and start living life for yourself.

 

The results may or may not be what you plan or what you think you want, but the journey will lead you to happiness if your outlook and attitude stay positive.

 

You only lose, if you choose to lose. Own the situation. It's easy. lol.

[PWSX3]

I am one of the guys that has tried, tried & tried some more.

 

My stbxw has moved out for the second time but this time I am doing things for me. I am going to counseling for me, joined a mens group, taking some classes for me & what am I learning?

 

I am learning who I am, what I want & there is a chance that my stbxw might not be what I want even though she was the one that moved out. sure I loved her & yes I am sad things aren't working out, & yes I do believe that things could work, but when the other person doesn't want to work it out there isn't much of a chance, so you just have to do what you can for yourself.

 

It is hard, I'm still struggling with it, have my ups & downs but it is getting easier especially when you learn more about yourself.

[imagine]

thanks imagine,

has this worked for you ? I dont want to give up and hope in time she misses me. How do I do plan B when i have children ? i have been doing plan A and will continue but I am afraid its to late.

 

thanks for your response !

 

I have no personal experience of betrayal.

 

I DO have over a years experience of watching people being betrayed. I have watched people stumble and fall and get up and overcome. Also folk who have thought that they had overcome only to have hope dashed to the ground.

 

I guarantee that trying to recovery your marriage WILL be by far the most painful course of action. But also the most worthwhile. You have a decision to make. Fight for the marriage or quit. You will not be completely alone.

We are here, fighting with you and even sometimes against you.

 

Your wife IS absolutely bent on separation. Find out why in the articles.

You will be insulted, misused and marginalized. The articles will prepare you... so will we.

 

If you have the cash then you may well consider going straight to the source and obtain an appointment with one of the Harley's at marriage builders. My testimony is based on the feedback of those that did.

 

Prepare yourself to make mistake after mistake, this is a journey.

 

Are you on board?

[skinman]

I have no personal experience of betrayal.

 

I DO have over a years experience of watching people being betrayed. I have watched people stumble and fall and get up and overcome. Also folk who have thought that they had overcome only to have hope dashed to the ground.

 

I guarantee that trying to recovery your marriage WILL be by far the most painful course of action. But also the most worthwhile. You have a decision to make. Fight for the marriage or quit. You will not be completely alone.

We are here, fighting with you and even sometimes against you.

 

Your wife IS absolutely bent on separation. Find out why in the articles.

You will be insulted, misused and marginalized. The articles will prepare you... so will we.

 

If you have the cash then you may well consider going straight to the source and obtain an appointment with one of the Harley's at marriage builders. My testimony is based on the feedback of those that did.

 

Prepare yourself to make mistake after mistake, this is a journey.

 

Are you on board?

 

thanks for your response. I know it will be a tough road but what do I have to lose in trying. I have already lost her for now and can only gain her affection for me again. She said we have nothing in commom.. I will try and be strong and show her just what she is going to miss out on.

[pelicanpreacher]

Skinman, I'd suggest you first begin rationally assessing your marriage to determine its strong points and weak points. Sit down and make a list of the pros and cons so that you see where the problems lie. I would also suggest that you ask your wife to do the same and then exchange lists. Determine where you are on the same page and where you are not. I'd also advise that you and your wife write up a "bucket" list to exchange. These activities will give you some kind of idea on things she'd like to do and vice versa.

 

Right now your marriage has experienced a breakdown and you've got to find out where the problem lies. If the problems lie within yourself then bite the bullet and commit to self-surgery. If the problem stems from without then you must seek to uncover the source of this damage before you can understand what your next move will be. It could be an affair being conducted under your nose or the influence of all her single girlfriends who are crowing about how much better their lives are now that they are divorced. If it is a matter of falling out of love with you and there's been no affair then I'd push the "bucket" list for even if it doesn't work out you go out with a bang and can step forward into your unknown future on a high note knowing you put your best foot forward to save the marriage!

[skinman]

Skinman, I'd suggest you first begin rationally assessing your marriage to determine its strong points and weak points. Sit down and make a list of the pros and cons so that you see where the problems lie. I would also suggest that you ask your wife to do the same and then exchange lists. Determine where you are on the same page and where you are not. I'd also advise that you and your wife write up a "bucket" list to exchange. These activities will give you some kind of idea on things she'd like to do and vice versa.

 

Right now your marriage has experienced a breakdown and you've got to find out where the problem lies. If the problems lie within yourself then bite the bullet and commit to self-surgery. If the problem stems from without then you must seek to uncover the source of this damage before you can understand what your next move will be. It could be an affair being conducted under your nose or the influence of all her single girlfriends who are crowing about how much better their lives are now that they are divorced. If it is a matter of falling out of love with you and there's been no affair then I'd push the "bucket" list for even if it doesn't work out you go out with a bang and can step forward into your unknown future on a high note!

 

thanks at this point I dont think she would be up for that she has said that its over and to move on. I dont know what to think about there being someone else. She has had plenty of opportunities with her job and such but deep in my heart i dont want to think thats the case. I am sure she wouldn't even respond to my email asking for the list. I guess at this point all I can do is get on with my life and show my daughters that they are the most important things to me right now. I will hold out a small piece of hope that maybe my wife will change her mind. It hurts now seeing how cold and distant she has become and her not wanting to even try anymore. I have thought of emailing her and asking right out if she has found someone else but at this point I dont think that would help any.

 

Thanks for the advice Pelican. keep me in your prayers !!

[pelicanpreacher]

Before you close the doors on this it doesn't hurt to ask her for a favor! Remember, you want to be able to resolve this without guilt or regret of not trying your all. By your own admission the marriage is done so you really have nothing left to lose!

[skinman]

Before you close the doors on this it doesn't hurt to ask her for a favor! Remember, you want to be able to resolve this without guilt or regret of not trying your all. By your own admission the marriage is done so you really have nothing left to lose!

 

It seems to be done on her part not mine.. I have been trying for weeks to get her to be active in trying. she doesn't seem to care that it hurts me and the girls. I think she is only thinking of herself right now.

[ilmw]

One thing is for sure - if you want your wife or ex back, best to go to some other place for help on that. Loveshack is probably worst place for that sort of guidance. If you like to be filled with negativity, this is the place to come to when you break up. Sure, it might temporarily help you to feel better being surrounded by others going through the same problems. But eventually your mind will be chipped away until all you feel is like a hopeless basket case.

 

Ok.... this so NOT true!

 

Yes there are a lot of negative people on here... well because they feel negative.... but.... you take the bad (negative) with the good.

 

I was helped so much by this site... more than any other... and I did go to other sights.. looking for insight.... as I was totally lost. On this site... I was slapped in the face with reality..

 

I followed the Plan A and B too... and it does work.

 

I also read Divorce Busting... and lots and lots of other books.... Geezzz I feel like I have a degree in relationships now from the stack of books I read...

 

I did get back with my ex wife... but I had done what was necessary.. she did not.... so.... now I am divorced.

 

But.... I did get her back for a few months

 

Well.... at least now... I have a clue... how woman think (kinda)

 

as for NC with kids.... NO can do.... You have to go DIM... minimal contact with only communication about the kids (that is it) It works too..

 

To get the info you want.... you should go through many old posts... as I did.... and ... use your head.... NOT YOUR HEART!

 

ilmw

[skinman]

Thanks ilmw,

i appreciate your comments. I have done a lot of reading and trying to better myself. After her email yesterday I can sense that she is confused and needs time. I am going to give her space work on myself in the meantime and see where it goes from there. Thanks again for your reply.

 

Skinman

[JamesM]

 

Well.... at least now... I have a clue... how woman think (kinda)

 

 

If this is true, then you are the wisest among men!

[Mr. Lucky]

use your head.... NOT YOUR HEART!

The best advice of all. Look at it this way Skinman - one way or the other, your life will go on from here. Your girls will grow up and everyone involved will move forward. So while there's nothing wrong with thinking about what you'd like to happen, you also need to prepare for all that could happen. Legal advice, self-discovery, research, IC, physical activity, etc...these are all tools that you should use. The first step towards recovering from this - whether in or out of your marriage - is your feeling more proactive and less a victim of your wife's choices. Hope it works for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

[skinman]

The best advice of all. Look at it this way Skinman - one way or the other, your life will go on from here. Your girls will grow up and everyone involved will move forward. So while there's nothing wrong with thinking about what you'd like to happen, you also need to prepare for all that could happen. Legal advice, self-discovery, research, IC, physical activity, etc...these are all tools that you should use. The first step towards recovering from this - whether in or out of your marriage - is your feeling more proactive and less a victim of your wife's choices. Hope it works for you...

 

Mr. Lucky

 

Thanks Mr lucky !!

i appreciate your advice and I will take it to heart.

[dannydrifter]

Thanks ilmw,

i appreciate your comments. I have done a lot of reading and trying to better myself. After her email yesterday I can sense that she is confused and needs time. I am going to give her space work on myself in the meantime and see where it goes from there. Thanks again for your reply.

 

Skinman

 

I find what might help is to enlist the help of family/friends you have in common. Get your mom or her mom, or anyone close to her to call her and try to push her to reconcile with you. Sometimes women AND men need this push from the close family/friends, because on our own we might push the other farther away. Sometimes it takes others to help the couple realize what they are doing.

[dannydrifter]

Ok.... this so NOT true!

 

Yes there are a lot of negative people on here... well because they feel negative.... but.... you take the bad (negative) with the good.

 

In general, this site is not good if you want to avoid depression and anxiety. There are a lot of good people here, but most of the times when people come on here saying their wives left them all they get is the same repetitive advice. Advice like NC, if she doesn't want to be with you why would you want her, move on, etc. The reason that makes this site depressing for people who just broke up, is because you are surrounded by a bunch of losers (me included) whose SOs left them and never came back. Where the hell are the people who made it, who got back together and are prospering? I want to hear from those people, where are they?

 

I think this forum is great for certain issues, but not necessarily as a place to come to if you want to succeed in salvaging your marriage after one of the parties bails out. This is a good place if you DON't want to reconcile, and you want to heal and move on, whatever. But for those who want to be hopeful that they will reunite with their loved ones and have their familys reunited, I don't know.

 

In this forum you have a lot of expert advisors, but so many of them seem to come from situations where their SO left them and they are now single and miserable. I don't always want to listen to those kinds of people when I am down, because this makes me more miserable and instead I would rather surround myself with folks who are positive to me trying to get my wife to come back.

 

Again, not saying there are no positive people here. Just seems to be many people who I end up reading their ordeals and it ends up making me more depressed because they never reunited with their ex. It seems it all ends in failure for them.