Got the email I dreaded

[PWSX3]

In general, this site is not good if you want to avoid depression and anxiety. There are a lot of good people here, but most of the times when people come on here saying their wives left them all they get is the same repetitive advice. Advice like NC, if she doesn't want to be with you why would you want her, move on, etc. The reason that makes this site depressing for people who just broke up, is because you are surrounded by a bunch of losers (me included) whose SOs left them and never came back. Where the hell are the people who made it, who got back together and are prospering? I want to hear from those people, where are they?

 

I have heard that only 1% of people get back together, now don't quote me on that.

Going thru this separation/divorce I feel I have tried everything I could do because they stbxw is not welling to go for help, but then we have done the counseling (which now I see was the wrong person) we separated for a while & things didn't get better, just settled down for a while.

 

I feel you have to do the MC & other things that people suggest first, just so you can say you have done everything you could.

 

There are places out there that say they can help get your marriage back but most of the time there is only one spouse that is welling to go & you can't make the other person go.

 

This sight has really helped me, & I did not want the divorce, but now I am getting second thoughts just because of the things I am learning about me.

 

I do agree that when you are first looking for help you are looking for comfort in your situation, and that is getting back together and when you don't hear that it does hurt. I know that was my situation that I was looking for someone to be on my side & I got the 2x4 across the head & I really needed that.

[ilmw]

Ok... let you in on a little secret...

 

If you try and get your wife back.... and try and get people to help you get her back... I betcha it will not work.

 

They have to want to come back.... and no matter what you say or do... they will not come back unless they want to. Me thinks... recruiting friends... and family.... to help you win her back... would... backfire....

 

This is a fact... You cannot make someone do something they do not want to do.... and would you truly want someone... who did not want to be with you??

 

I came onto LS... looking for help. I got it in bundles. It was not all positive.... at lot of it was.... "Your toast"... "Your done"... "Give up".... but on the other side of the coin... There were those... who said things... got me to think.... got me onto a path where I was able to pick up the pieces... and my sh#t together.....

 

I never gave up... and that is because that is the kind of person I am....

 

But.... in saying that.... I tried... she did not.... that was the final straw for me.... oh and her shacking up with her boyfriend...

 

I am not negative at all..... Not really happy she is living with this guy so fast after we split again.... (my son is there) That is my only concern....

 

To get someone back.... you do have to walk away... that is when they come back....

 

ilmw

[SingleDad]

I think the advice here is more direct and cutthroat than at other sites.

 

Usually the advice isn't wrong - It's cold hard facts and facing reality quickly. Sometimes that slap in the face is needed so that you do not dwell on the anguish as long (as I have dwelled in my anguish - not taking everyone's advice) and move on with your life.

 

Another site I know seems more directed at helping people cope and face each day as it comes with longer term hope of a chance at reconciliation. While it is not the 2x4 across the face, that hope may prolong the hurt.

 

I am taking the hits both ways.

[JamesM]

I have heard that only 1% of people get back together, now don't quote me on that.

 

First of all, why say this if you do not want to be quoted? I could just as easily say that "I have heard that most of the people who try to reconcile their marriages do, but they never visit Loveshack, so you will never know this....but don't quote me."

 

Second, when the doctor tells us that "You have cancer, and your chances are less than say 30%", do you then simply commit suicide because oh well, you are going to die anyway? No, most people immediately hope and say that they ARE the 30%. And if they don't, then it is likely that they will die.

 

Everything in life is a risk. Good things come to those who try. And there are many more cliches to apply to this situation.

 

One thing is certain...if you quit trying you WILL fail.

[ilmw]

If this is true, then you are the wisest among men!

 

Oh.... I wanted to comment on this...

 

Its more.... (have a glimpse) into how the female species... ticks... But... they are still a mystery.

 

I liken men understanding women to that of psychology, or meteorology... You have a general idea of what can happen... but... yah never know...

 

This is strictly a male perspective of course...

[pelicanpreacher]

I find what might help is to enlist the help of family/friends you have in common. Get your mom or her mom, or anyone close to her to call her and try to push her to reconcile with you. Sometimes women AND men need this push from the close family/friends, because on our own we might push the other farther away. Sometimes it takes others to help the couple realize what they are doing.

 

Uuuh what? Has anyone ever completly subdued and controlled your free will anytime in your life? To attempt to subvert the free will of another through force of will of your own or the enlisted efforts of others is an excercise in futility for GOD gave each and everyone of us the gift of free will to last and use our entire lives any way we choose. The only being with the capability to do as you suggested is GOD and you'll notice that even GOD will only do that when he's ready to call you home. You are, however, free to pay your money and take your chances!

[Curmudgeon]

The reason that makes this site depressing for people who just broke up, is because you are surrounded by a bunch of losers (me included) whose SOs left them and never came back. Where the hell are the people who made it, who got back together and are prospering? I want to hear from those people, where are they?

 

How about those of us who didn't get back together and whose lives are better as a result? Leaving me turned out to be her greatest gift to me. She wasn't truly capable of love and loyalty. My wife is. That's ever so much better than I had for 25 years before.

 

In this forum you have a lot of expert advisors, but so many of them seem to come from situations where their SO left them and they are now single and miserable.

 

She left me but I'm neither single nor miserable. She is!

 

Again, not saying there are no positive people here. Just seems to be many people who I end up reading their ordeals and it ends up making me more depressed because they never reunited with their ex. It seems it all ends in failure for them.

 

Not reuniting with my ex was anything but a failure. It was and remains a blessing.

[sumdude]

I find what might help is to enlist the help of family/friends you have in common. Get your mom or her mom, or anyone close to her to call her and try to push her to reconcile with you. Sometimes women AND men need this push from the close family/friends, because on our own we might push the other farther away. Sometimes it takes others to help the couple realize what they are doing.

 

This is often one of the worst things you can do. Someone's parents, friends etc will and should side with their children even when they think they're wrong. All you end up doing is appearing controlling and pushing the person leaving to want to leave even more. I know this from experience...

[skinman]

Thanks for all your responses people they are greatly appreciated. As for now I will be looking after myself and see what truly makes me happy. For so long I have been the one trying to make my families life so much better for them and paying the cost. Now it is my turn to be the focus of my attention along with my girls. Since this all started I have a true appreciation of my children I do indeed miss then but I make sure they know how much I love them and will do anything for their happiness.

I will let the wife be for now and keep preying for strength and forgiveness for us both. One way or another the sun will rise again tomorrow and there will be a new day to make something great happen. I have cried enough during these 3 weeks and thought things would never get better but to be honest I feel good today and I will make a difference in someones life.

[Jamez123]

The same thing happened to me a month ago. . . although we weren't married and we didn't have kids, so i guess it must be much harder for you and i'm sorry to hear about it. She's said the same thing and i'm still really heartbroken about it, she said 'It's over, and we're not going to get back together again' although we were in a long term relationship for a year and she told me i was her first true love and everything and i didn't do that much wrong, just got rather increasingly jealous and promised to change but didn'. And it also became more apparant that we actually had much less in common towards the end than the start - because i stupidly chose to take the piss out of interests and friends near the end of the relationship because of my ridiculous jealousy over her starting colllege and meeting new people. I'm stuck aswell now i don't have a clue what to do, because once i was 'the most important person' to her and everything and now she's the complete opposite. It happened twice before aswell, both previous girlfreinds saying 'it's over, and we'll never be together again' and then months later texting me and flirting with me, etc . . . although i didn't really love them and by that time i didn't want to see them again. I do love my recent ex though, more than anything and i'm not gonna give up either. Personally i just think it's something that quite a lot of women say when they dump their man. I'm just gonna cut off contact till around Christmas . . .give her a month and a bit and then send her a lovely card and letting nature take it's course. I think that's my best bet to be honest, because i hold on to about 3% of hope that she'll eventually miss me and reconsider me.

[skinman]

Well everyone,

 

I have granted her her wish and have left her alone since receiving the email I wrote about.. now listen to this she has called 5 times within 2 days talking about our kids. This is more than I have talked to her in the prior 2 weeks since she asked me to leave. The first time she called i was out of the office and she left a voicemail that said "I guess you really are trying to avoid me " not sure what to think of that other than she might see that I am letting go and honoring her wishes. I had dinner at mu "old house" last night with them and was as polite and attentive as can be. I didnt let her see that any of this was bothering me... So I still hold out hope a small part of me still believes but the other part is slowly letting go.

 

thanks for all your advice people

[TrustInYourself]

I think you are on the right track, for your own happiness. Just stay busy man. You did not decide this, so don't try and over analyze it or hurt yourself further by questioning her motives.

 

It's hard, no doubt. Let me know if your hard work for your own sake, pays off. Thanks for the update.

[skinman]

I think you are on the right track, for your own happiness. Just stay busy man. You did not decide this, so don't try and over analyze it or hurt yourself further by questioning her motives.

 

It's hard, no doubt. Let me know if your hard work for your own sake, pays off. Thanks for the update.

 

 

TrustInYourself,

 

thanks for all your advice I really appreciate it. I am trying as hard as I can to be postitive and look towards the future but your right I still find at times that the smallest things will bring back a memory and my emotions will get the best of me. I cant make her love me or want me I can only push forward for my own sanity to better prepare myself for my new life ahead of me.

 

Skinman

[ilmw]

TrustInYourself,

 

thanks for all your advice I really appreciate it. I am trying as hard as I can to be postitive and look towards the future but your right I still find at times that the smallest things will bring back a memory and my emotions will get the best of me. I cant make her love me or want me I can only push forward for my own sanity to better prepare myself for my new life ahead of me.

 

Skinman

 

This is all you can really do...and the way you should think. As long as you understand you can not make her love you.... or want you... You will begin to stop (willing it)

 

Its a long road... not a very fun one.... but the sooner you start to "move on"... one of two things will happen. #1.. You will actually move on.... and realize .... you are ok on your own... and never "needed" her, or #2 She will notice that you don't need her.... she will be (for what ever reason this works) drawn back to you. She will sense the fact you have moved on... and will want you back.

 

The thing is.... at this point.... you will have gone through stuff.... inside you... that will have made you stronger.... I encourage you to read as much as you can on relationships....and personal growth. If you have not started IC... start. Just to talk to someone.... who is (outside of your situation)

 

I say this from experience.... I did all of the above.... and it worked for me. Well... all the personal growth. I'm not going to go into my story.... its long enough on here...

 

There is a French saying I learned... which I bought into.... "the more we persist... the more they will resist"

 

Move on.... with dignity... Keep your self worth... If anything... she will respect you in the end.

 

In closing.... there is nothing wrong with hope.... as long as it is not blind. It is up to you to figure out what it is in your case.

 

ilmw

[skinman]

This is all you can really do...and the way you should think. As long as you understand you can not make her love you.... or want you... You will begin to stop (willing it)

 

Its a long road... not a very fun one.... but the sooner you start to "move on"... one of two things will happen. #1.. You will actually move on.... and realize .... you are ok on your own... and never "needed" her, or #2 She will notice that you don't need her.... she will be (for what ever reason this works) drawn back to you. She will sense the fact you have moved on... and will want you back.

 

The thing is.... at this point.... you will have gone through stuff.... inside you... that will have made you stronger.... I encourage you to read as much as you can on relationships....and personal growth. If you have not started IC... start. Just to talk to someone.... who is (outside of your situation)

 

I say this from experience.... I did all of the above.... and it worked for me. Well... all the personal growth. I'm not going to go into my story.... its long enough on here...

 

There is a French saying I learned... which I bought into.... "the more we persist... the more they will resist"

 

Move on.... with dignity... Keep your self worth... If anything... she will respect you in the end.

 

In closing.... there is nothing wrong with hope.... as long as it is not blind. It is up to you to figure out what it is in your case.

 

ilmw

 

Thanks ilmw,

I appreciate all the kind words of encouragement. Time for me to begin a new chapter in my life. I am glad I found this site it has helped me tremendously.

 

Skin