?how do i get an honest answer?

[owiezowie]

okay..this is my first post..so bare with me..

 

my question is in regards to my current 'sweet heart' whom is breaking my heart just about daily without any concept of what he's doing..

 

we've been seeing each other over three years..

he lives in his parents home currently..and is single..never married..

i live in my own home..divorced..five..yes..five kids..

three are on their way out to college at the end of this school year..

one lives with his dad 3/4 time..as he is special needs and works better in a one child household..

and the last..she is ours..

meaning we have one child together..a big oops..originally..but we have made it a lovely thing..

i was married many years and adopted my special needs little one..the other three are bio..from my marriage..

 

the littlest one is only eighteen months..and she is delightful..he is an excellent parent to her..and very gentle and loving..

my dilema...

 

he does not want to live with me..or marry me..he does however want to come over every night after work..straight from work to our home..expects dinner to be done..house in order as much as possible..he takes his little one to the master bedroom turns on sports and plays with her most the evening while drinking beer or wine..and eating the food of course i have prepared for him..

he will leave the door open and converse with the other children here and there..but it is clear his primary objective is to be with his little one..

he gives rides to the other kids..and will offer advice and such..but does not initiate anything deeper..

his time is mostly spent with his daughter giggling and running around the house being (again) and excellent parent to her..just not anyone else..he says they are older and it's awkward..so he tries to just be an uncle of sorts without attempting to intrude..

i have asked when the older kids are gone will he then consider us living together..and he says he just isn't ready for that kind of commitment..

i ask if he thinks he will be in the future..and he says how can anyone predict what will happen..

 

i have 'ended' it many times and he always shows up at my place with this sad pathetic plea of don't leave me..you're a beautiful woman and i don't want anyone else..but nothing changes..every night he is here at 5 and every morning he leaves at 5 am to go home a get ready for work..

it's soooo weird...

 

he does not help with groceries..gas..rent..he just pays half his daughters child care..

 

i tell him it feels like he is waiting for 'the one' to come along..and in the mean time we fill a certain level of want in his life..but not the whole thing because he cannot even stay a few days..

none of his clothing is here..and it's been three years..

 

so tell me...

i'm stupid for staying this long aren't i?

[Lauriebell82]

Do you want him to live there and marry you?

 

To his credit, he has already told you that he doesn't want to live there or marry you. Obviously he feels that even if he doesn't "officially" live there he can still come and go as he pleases. If you do not like this you will need to talk to him and make some changes. If he doesn't want to live there then he should be coming over just to see his daughter. Or the two of you sharing custody and him living on his own. It sounds like he wants to rights to a wife and a daughter without actually having to commit.

 

If you two want to be together then that's fine, but if he is saying he wants independence (by not being married or living together) then he needs to act like he has some. Have you tried asking him why he doesn't want to get married or live together?

[CastingPearls]

It sounds as though he benefits greatly from the relationship, but you-not so much. Forgive my asking, but is there an age difference between the two of you? It seems that your kind nature has been taken advantage of by a rather immature man. What are you getting out of this situation compared to what you give?

[owiezowie]

i want to live together and marry one day ultimately..

he says he just isn't ready for that..

 

maybe one day he tells me..just not now..

 

but he wants all the benefits of a married man..

he wants me to be his girlfriend and not see anyone else..he wants a warm meal everynight..and to be cuddled all night..

he wants my calendar to work around his..making his priorities mainly first..he plays several sports and wants us to be at each game..he literally acts like a married couple with kids..but..he leaves when he wants to..and does not actually contribute financially while he still expects his favorite foods and things like pay-per view to be available anytime he is interested..

it adds up with a single mother..fifty dollars can be more than it is to a single man..

i have asked why he doesn't just make the move as he is here all weekend and everynight..my children are expected at all his family functions and they act like we're a married couple as well..it's just too weird for me..

 

i really believe he is holding out just in case..

but..

wanted to see what others had to say..

 

i am ready to finally say no more..i'm done..

 

i'm not a wife and i'm tired of acting like one..

either you're in or you're out my friend..

i have plenty of pressure in life..and having this man whom i feel is taking advantage is not helping ease the pressure..

but..hey maybe i'm the selfish one..

don't think so..

but wanted to get some feedback..

i'm not the needy type..so being on my own is just fine with me..

[Enema]

He doesn't want to be with you. He's only there because you have a kid together.

 

He definitely doesn't want to take on responsibility for someone else's kids.

 

Time to file for child support, sounds like you're getting stooged on money amongst everything else.

[owiezowie]

how intuitive are you? great 'reading between the lines' Casting Pearls..

 

he is younger..

i did not include that as i didn't want it to create prejudice without the basics first..

 

it's just a dead end road isn't it? it hurts to love a person emotionally..knowing he is not ever going to meet you intellectually..

[CastingPearls]

Even if there is a difference in age, he would still need to see you as a partner, not a companion, before he could be anything more than someone who shows up at your door to eat and drink and sleep. The problem is that once the pattern is set, it's hard to change the rules. You would have to be ready to lose him completely if you really want to make changes, but to be honest, it sounds like you're already fed up. Figure out what you want from him, and how much you're willing to give in return, then put it in front of him and see where it goes.

[Mary3]

Lets see , he does not help with gas , groceries or rent but he is basically living there eating YOUR food that YOU cook , He gets everything for FREE

Lets see if he paid child support that would be a good chunk. SO he prefers not to pay anything and YOU pay for everything.

 

Hrmm sounds like he is using you.

 

He is good to his own but ignores the others.

 

Tell him this : You need to not come over here anymore. We will set up child support and visitation * ( Make sure you DO that first ~ before you have the TALK . go to the CS division and set an an order for support ( the courts will set a date )

They automatically take it from his paycheck. ..Then there is the matter of health insurance , which you can require the court he KEEP on his child.

 

Then after his shaving cream and articles are out KEEP him out. DO NOT let him beg you to keep coming over for meals ! Or promises of marraige or any committments....He would be LYING ! He is a big boy now. He made a baby , he needs to take care of the baby.

 

You might feel lonely and vulnerable and he may even fake a committment to get our of his financial responsibilities and he will TRY to tell you what you want to hear but please ( GO TO CS FIRST , get the court date and have this man SUPPORT this child ) Actually its cheap to zero for you to go to CSD. its like $ 6 to start a case.

 

Please DO IT !

 

He wants everything free and easy ride with no responsibility !