Met a married woman at my high school reunion who lives 300 miles from me

[ps5150]

Oh boy...here we go....

 

I met someone at my high school reunion...we hit it off immediately and have been going out for a month now. We talk every night and throughout the day. She lives 300 miles from me in my hometown. I am due to move back over there in about a year.

 

Here's my dilemma...

 

1. She is still married, pending a divorce which has not been filed, but she "assures" me that it will be in the next few weeks. They are waiting for their house to refinance and he doesn't want her doing anything until that has closed.

 

2. She has been with this guy for 14 years...5 of that being married...and they did not have the greatest of relationships. he was cold, unfeeling, and basically emotionaly unavailable. I, on the other hand, am a "touchy-feely" kind of guy and am in touch with my feelings and share them well.

 

3. I think that he was abusive to her, but she says that she is "ok" and can manage it....I believe it to be more emotional abuse rather than physical...but who knows?

 

4. She has told me that I fill her emotional cup and she does mine, as well.

 

5. And last but not least...I am not sure that she is completely "over" him. She has told me that this had been coming and they were going to wait until after the holiday's this year to file. Now, that has been moved up to next month. Supposedly. She complains about him and about how much of a jerk he is, how bad he treats her now, etc.

 

They have had an on/off type of relationship over the past few years and she has said that she "dated" a few people while they were "off" the relationship wagon.

 

My dilemma is that I am not sure that she is ready for a relationship with someone who wants one...i.e. emotional baggage, etc. ....am I a "rebound" for her or just a nice guy who came along and is willing to love her and treat her nice?

 

I am afraid that I am going to get my heart broke in this and get in deeper than I am already.

 

 

I like her a lot. She is a very sweet person and is pretty much all of the things I have been looking for in a person.

 

Any advice out there on how I should proceed? Need some help here folks!!

[jalexy]

I will be nice about this but i do not understand why people get involved with others who are still in a marriage and/or the marriage is "pending on ending". i mean, what are you thinking?

This lady seems like she has too much on her plate right now and you just happened to be there at the wrong time. i would suggest that you back off and just be her friend/ support. but i mean i dont think you should invest anything in this for a long while. take care of yourself because the way you are headed- is to heartache.

[Velvet Eel]

I completely understand your starting a relationship with this woman who seems so emotionally available to you. But, like Jalexy, I would suggest holding back a little and protecting your heart. Many unhappily-married people have "Exit Affairs" to help them leave their marriages. I speak from experience. You do risk getting hurt here. Her feelings for you may be intense and genuine, but I think your fears about being a "rebound" are justified.

 

Take care of yourself. Tell her you'll be thrilled to date her when she's actually single. If she loves you, she'll understand, and maybe it will help motivate her to get out of a lifeless marriage.

[ps5150]

Ok...I do understand what you two are telling me...let me throw a couple more things at ya...

 

She is getting an apartment on her own in a month...I am meeting her kids next weekend...she has met mine...she has introduced me to co-workers and has mentioned me to family.

 

Now what?

 

Part of me says stay...part of me says protect myself. She has asked me NOT to leave because she is too deep into this (our relationship) and her heart can't handle it right now.

[Velvet Eel]

It does sound as if she has serious feelings for you, but again, you can't know yet (and won't for a long time) whether you should let down your guard completely. Maybe this isn't the time for you to make your decision. What if you gave it one month? If she didn't move into her own place as promised, then you could cut your losses and back way off.

[ps5150]

Well...at least I know I am on the right track...that is what I was thinking as well...if she doesn't move into her new place...which I do believe she is going to because she started one of her kids in the new school they will be going to...then I would seriously reconsider this and tell her about how I felt, etc. Just sometimes, I trust people too much into what they tell me which is the way it should be, but, alas....getting burned and hurt has been a worry for me.

[amerikajin]

Don't do ANYTHING with this woman until she's moved out! First of all, you don't know how trustworthy she is. For starters, she IS being dishonest by hooking up with you in the first place. I don't mean that as an insult to you, and speaking honestly, I've found myself in a similar situation before. When I was 25 I met a woman long distance who was on her way out too. We didn't actually start dating or having regular telephone conversations until she was separated from her husband, but even under those circumstances, I still look back with some regrets about the way I handled things. She never had time to feel the effects of her divorce and didn't analyze what went wrong, so she consequently brought some of her baggage into our relationship. Not to say that I was a gem, either. Ultimately, our relationship failed.

 

But back on track...

 

You don't generally want to get involved with a married woman. Whatever sorting out she has to do is healthier if she does it on her own. One of the previous posters alluded to "exit affairs" and I think it's real. Some people (and I'm going to say this at the risk of being labeled a sexist), women in particular, use exit affairs so that they don't have to have a sit-down face-to-face conversation about why things suddenly feel different. Men are too stupid to understand that sometimes people just "grow apart" so women have to make their point a little more dramatic by having an affair, hoping it will force their husband to resent them enough to see that a divorce is what's best for both. In other cases, an affair is simply a way to salvage a marriage, to get more sexual attention or respect they feel they haven't been getting from their partner - that's true especially of men. She may be playing you for a fool.

 

One more thing you have to consider here is the collateral damage that could be caused if this thing doesn't go down the right way. You have to think of the kids and the husband. Seeing the kids and getting so involved so quickly just seems like a bad idea if you want to know the truth, especially if they're all still living under the same roof together. That's potentially setting up a really volatile situation. My advice is to back off for now. Tell her you'll keep in touch periodically but you don't need to get in the middle of all this drama. Let her sort out her own issues. Be supportive of her as a friend first, and if it goes further, then so be it.