Can someone talk to me

[melissa123]

Can someone, anyone please talk to me

I just feel like I cant do this anymore

[Ronni_W]

I haven't been following your posts, Melissa - would you mind updating me on what it is you feel you don't have the strength to do?

[melissa123]

Thanks Ronni

 

My now ex bf has just broken up with me and im devastated.

I dont know what to do and I cant cope.

I literally cant breathe right now.

 

He had been ignoring me for about a month and only really giving me one word answers. I could see he lost interest but it smashed my heart so bad that I tried everything to get his interest back.

I have been doing my absolute best but everytime I talked to him he would snap at me or just give me one word answers.

He began to only talk of himself and never asked me how I was and always ignored me if I was upset about something etc.

I tried sooooooooooo hard but he would just ignore me. I didn't smother him at all, I just send him a few sweet txts to which he would ignore.

 

He lives 3 hours away in another city but said he couldnt see me for a good two months and I couldnt do down to see him because hes to busy.

 

It broke my heart so much. I told him a few days ago via txt that I broke my finger and all I got back was 'hehe' two hours later.

Then he ignored me for three days.

 

I finally managed to get him on the phone last night where I asked him what was wrong and if he still wanted this. He hesitated for ages then said 'I duno'

I told him I didnt want to break up but we couldnt go on like this and I asked if he would make more effort.

He replied 'probably not because im lazy and a dick'

Then he ended it.

 

Im so shattered.

I dont know what to do

I cant go on right now

I jut want him

I regret making the call to see what was wrong.

I just want him here and I cant cope. I Cant eat or sleep and I can barely breathe right now

 

Please help

[Ronni_W]

Thanks for taking the time, Melissa.

I'm sorry that you're going through this.

 

I'm thinking that first thing, you kinda need to get breathing properly - do you agree? See if it helps if you exhale for at least twice the count of your inhalation. Even if you're taking real short and shallow in-breaths, breathe out for twice as long. Lemme know how that works.

 

(((hugs))) I'll be right back at you

[dead-dyke]

Thanks Ronni

 

 

He replied 'probably not because im lazy and a dick'

 

 

 

Sorry.

 

Ronni has her head on straight. She'll probably give more sound advice in 1 sentence, than I can in a whole paragraph. Or 3 or 4. Sorry you're going through this.

 

Seems Ronni is a faster typer too.

[melissa123]

ok thanks ronni, I am trying, Im just so so shattered right now, all I want is him?

I regret making that phone call because if I didnt he would still be here.

I have ruined everything.

What do I do?

I need him back, im to unhappy now, do I call or something?

[melissa123]

dead-dyke thankyou also

What do i do from here, I love him so much and I feel I cant go on without him.

I didnt do anything wrong so should I go back and try to make this work?

[Ronni_W]

Okay. So this is what I'm getting:

His own truth about himself is that he is "lazy and a dick" -- gotta at least admire someone who knows their negative side so well, right?

Plus. He was rude to you (snapping) and didn't display too much concern for your health and well-being.

 

It seems like he started acting like that about a month ago -- how long were you guys together in total, and how did he used to treat you before a month ago?

[dead-dyke]

Just listen to Ronni - She is smart. But I wouldn't contact him right now, and not only that, the fact that you did contact him does not mean you ruined everything! Just let Ronni guide you.

[Ronni_W]

Ronni has her head on straight. She'll probably give more sound advice in 1 sentence, than I can in a whole paragraph. Or 3 or 4. Sorry you're going through this.

Seems Ronni is a faster typer too.

LOL, DD, and thanks. But seems to me that Melissa would love your support and wisdom, too! Please do share.

 

Yeah, my Grade 10 teacher was a real biatch...I skipped as much as I could but I still managed to learn something...somehow . (Er...did I just 'out' myself as an "old folk"???)

[maxmuscle]

Hi melissa,

 

I feel your pain. I have broken up with my ex and we are still living together until my apartment comes through. It is such a damn painful process to see your love one change for the worst. All the sweet text's, emails, trying to be nice will not alter their behavior. I know! My advice is to cry until you can't cry anymore, and not contact him. Give him all the space he need and more. Stay posting on this board because it will help you.

[Brimstone_Angel]

<Gives you the biggest virtual hug I can.>

 

Be strong and give yourself this time to mourn. Then, I pray speedy recovery to you and more successful adventures for you in this weird and perplexing thing we call love.

[melissa123]

We were ok before a month ago. We have beeen friends for about 8 years and he has never been good at keping in contact.

 

When we got together he was better, it was still mainly me making all the effort but he did try and I was ok with it. I never expected him to txt me every second of every day and he seemed like someone who needed his space.

However he could never call me as he was always to busy and hated phones!

 

But for about a month now he has just been ignoring me for days on end and just getting angry with everything I do. His bestfriend lives in the same city as me also and he has been treating him like crap aswell.

 

He has been running hot and cold and we have to always tiptoe round. But we always go out of our way to make him happy yet he just cant see that. I dont know why.

 

I didnt do anything, seriously. I stayed the same person throughout and can homestly say I tried 110% to make him happy.

 

I dont know whay he is like this all of a sudden and why he has thrown me away.

 

I regret talking to him last night so bad, maybe he was pressured by bring on the phone. I just feel like I ruined everything with that call.

 

What do i do now? I dont want to be without him. I want the old him back.

[Ronni_W]

I regret making that phone call because if I didnt he would still be here.

I have ruined everything.

, do I call or something?

What I got from your earlier post, Melissa, is that how you're thinking about that right now isn't 100% accurate.

 

Even if you had not called, it sounds like he kind of checked out of the relationship had least a month ago -- if that's the case, he hasn't really "been there" for you in any meaningful way, for at least a month. Does that make sense?

 

Personally, I don't see how you ruined anything by just making a phone call. I'd more see it that HE ruined things by allowing his "lazy and dick" personality to run the show for at least the past month. You didn't cause that to happen at all.

 

Also, I'm gonna guess that, in the long run, HE is gonna be the one who misses out on all YOUR positive stuff.

 

I agree with DD -- don't call him. I know it's tough. I just think that you deserve to be treated better than he ended up treating you.

 

(You are remembering to breathe over there, right? .)

[dead-dyke]

Yeah, my Grade 10 teacher was a real biatch...I skipped as much as I could but I still managed to learn something...somehow . (Er...did I just 'out' myself as an "old folk"???)

 

At least you took the class. I thought, when the hell am I gonna need to type? (I guess I'm considered old folk too, by today's standards)

 

Mellisa, let me just chime in here. If he's a guy, and I'm pretty sure he is, he will likely regret soon enough those words he spoke to you. Time will be the biggest factor, as is w/ everything else.

[ThomasX]

Hey melissa. That's a nasty sitaution.. just know you aren't alone. I'm with you here. My ex broke up with me recently too.

 

The best advice is to just give them space. They may not ever come back. But if you keep pressuring them, they'll definitely not come back.

 

Your best shot is to just give the guy space. I am giving my ex space... and trust me it rips me to shreds, nasty little shreds to think about her being my ex now instead of my gf... but what can any of us do? Just know you aren't alone..

[melissa123]

Ok thankyou so I just leave it now?

 

I understand that he had checked out the relationship but I dont understand why, I didnt even do anything. He would always say how he had secretly loved me and had been chasing me for years. I was happy and would always compliment him back and we always had a laugh together.

 

Then one day it literally stopped.

 

He was the first guy I have been with where I feel I can just be myself. We had so much fun together and were forever laughing and joking around.

 

Then it stopped and he treated me like crap for a good month.

 

I dont understand at alll. You probably hear this from everyone and I am sorry.

 

So do I just ignore him now? This hurts sooooooooooooooooo bad

I wish it would stop, I wish he would come back

 

I cant say how much I appreciate all this help btw.

[Ronni_W]

But for about a month now he has just been ignoring me for days on end and just getting angry with everything I do. His bestfriend lives in the same city as me also and he has been treating him like crap aswell.

Well, if you think about all of it, and how he's also been treating his BEST FRIEND like crap -- that really tells you that the break-up sooo is NOT about you at all, doesn't it? Sure it does.

 

And no, it wasn't that he felt any added pressure just being on the phone with you last night. Whatever is going on for him is not about you, and it didn't happen mostly last night -- you said it's been going on at least a month, in any case.

 

Seriously -- you have a lot of evidence that points to it [1] not being about you, and [2] not having anything to do with anything that you did or did not do, not yesterday and not any other time, either.

 

Do you know if anything happened in his life about a month ago, that he may have had a real difficult time coping with?

Whatever it was, is something that, obviously, his best friend also couldn't help him with. Which suggests that no matter how hard you tried, you also wouldn't have been able to help. Don't you think?

[melissa123]

Nothing happened that im aware of.

 

He got a great new job, finished uni for the year with excellent marks and made the national team to represent our country at worlds in our sport.

He was happy!! I was happy for him.

 

He once said (about 3 weeks ago when he last talked properly) that he felt really down because he finds the distance hard and he cant be there for me.

I thought maybe that was why he was acting this way?

Because he was unhappy with not seeing me so it make him unhappy and he took it out on me??

I dont know.

But to try and solve that I offered to come down for the weekend with a friend. He said "Awsome but im working all weekend so I wont see you"

 

I was pretty hurt by that as I thought he would make some time atleast! But i said it was fine and I wondered in that case if he wanted to come up to visit me and his bestfriend for a few days break.

He just said "I want to but cant"

 

Then it was back to ignoring me

 

I just dont know how to cope. I want him back I miss him terribly.

[ThomasX]

melissa do you have a myspace? i am on that more than here, and would be glad to help you through mssgs on this. its a tough time and i understand that first hand, since im going thru it too.

[dead-dyke]

See? You already sound like you're leveling out. (just a side note, Mellisa - When you wrote the - soooooooooooooooo - that put the biggest smile on my face)

[melissa123]

Yes thankyou so much, I am starting to calm down a bit. Im just so scared looking ahead to what life is going to be like now

Im alone without the guy I adore.

His and my friends are all so close and there is no way I can avoid hearing about him.

I just know its going to break my heart more and more each time I hear about him.

If there was talk about a new gf I would literally drop dead. I couldnt take that!

[dead-dyke]

This is why you'll see the illustrious NC being bandied about around here. I think for now, this should be your course of action, if you can help it. Don't put thoughts into your head about a new girl. We all know we dream up the absolute worst case scenarios in our imagination. While 'NC' is good for getting over someone, it's not the be all, end all of solutions. But for now, you should probably leave sleeping dogs lye.

[Ronni_W]

He got a great new job, finished uni for the year with excellent marks and made the national team to represent our country at worlds in our sport.

Hhmmm...he is under a LOT of pressure from external sources that have nothing to do with you, isn't he?

That's weird that he would say he is "lazy and a dick" after having accomplished all of that.

 

Honestly, I think there is something going on for him that you and his best friend aren't aware of, yet. Is he a serious high-achiever or something? Cos getting into the real world can be quite a shock when one's whole life one has always excelled and got excellent grades and made all the teams one tried out for. Then, in the working world, you all-of-a-sudden get "downgraded" to just another ordinary worker. It can be devastating to the ego, especially if that may have been over-blown.

So, maybe you hadn't really considered those types of huge stresses and pressures that he possibly has been dealing with?

 

Which of course, that would totally make sense that he would need huge globs of space, right now (as ThomasX also said.) And, from that point of view, it would be really kind of you if you can manage to not contact him -- even though I know it's so tough, it still would be a nice gesture on your part to not contact him.

 

When you say you miss him, you mean the "old" him, right? Not the one who snaps at you and is angry more often than not?

Cos that "old him" just isn't there right now -- you are more missing the ghost of the "old him", would you say? You want "back" something that really isn't anywhere to be had? Is that right?

[Ronni_W]

Don't put thoughts into your head about a new girl. We all know we dream up the absolute worst case scenarios in our imagination.

Melissa, DD is so 100% right about that -- there's just no useful purpose to freak yourself out over some fantasy future event that your mind is making up, which is all such thoughts are, right now. It's bad enough, right? - no need to make it even worse than it already is.

 

You know, it is perfectly okay if you want to tell yourself that, somehow, you are gonna get through this and, at the end of it all, you are gonna be just fine. I mean...that one is a totally okay 'fantasy future event' to entertain in your mind...and your heart .

 

Even knowing that it will be a tough, crappy ride, it's still okay to have it in the back of your mind that chances are HIGHLY likely that you ARE gonna make it through this traumatic experience that totally sucks the big one, and you are gonna come out of it MUCH stronger than before you went in!