Can someone talk to me

[melissa123]

Thanks Ronni so very very very much.

 

I guess he has had a lot on but it has all been very sucessful things!!

I myself am in the middle of exams right now, Have just gotten a new job due to start saturday, am having MASSIVE family issues where half of them arent talking to me and have to train for two major competitions at the end of this month that I am stressed to the max about!!

 

But even so I ALWAYS made the time to talk to him, he really was the only thing that made me happy in this crazy time.

 

I have my final exam in two days which determies if I graduate or not and now I cant study at all. Im far to heartbroken, im trying so hard but I just cant take anything in.

 

But yes I miss the old him so very very very much. I just want him back. Do I just give him space an keep my fingers crossed now?

 

 

This is so awful but I cant thankyou enough for your help

[Ronni_W]

I guess he has had a lot on but it has all been very sucessful things!!

I myself am in the middle of exams right now, Have just gotten a new job due to start saturday, am having MASSIVE family issues where half of them arent talking to me and have to train for two major competitions at the end of this month that I am stressed to the max about!!

Hey no prob!

The thing that I''m seeing in what you just posted is that you have better coping skills than he does. I'm not saying it's a "girl thing" but sometimes young men aren't all that good at dealing with their crap. Sounds more and more like that is what's going on, for him.

 

And sometimes it is the successful stuff that can be so much more draining, and add so much more stress. Look at it from the other side -- "losers" don't really have anything to live up to and worry about, now do they? Successful people feel this overwhelming pressure (from within themselves but also from family, friends, colleagues) to maintain their same levels of high performance, or strive for even higher.

 

Lemme pull a "mom thing" on you for a sec: You really can't screw-up on your final exam, and then put it on your ex -- that so ain't gonna happen around here, young lady!!! If you screw it up, it is all on you. [/end mom thing]

 

I get that you miss the "old him". But can you get that the "old him" just doesn't exist right now...and maybe will not return, ever. Your desire for that is impossible to fulfill, especially right now. So...it will become an unreasonable and unrealistic desire/need if you hang on to it for very much longer. I know it sucks. This is one of those crappy, harsh realities of life that you heard "grown ups" talk about, when you were but knee-high.

 

They just never told us that WE were gonna have to deal with it, too, is the real problem. Welcome to "grown-up world"...big whoop -- personally, I woulda stayed a kid, if I had known half of this crap. Honestly.

 

It's that he has taken another giant leap towards full adulthood. That transition is scary like crazy. Not that you need to feel badly about anything that you did...as long as you promise yourself that you are going to try to have a bit more compassion for him, from now on. Fair enough?

 

From where I'm sitting, you kind of went all self-centred the past 24 hours and made everything about you without any thought for him...and now you are coming back to your normal, loving, understanding and compassionate self -- is that accurate?

And from that place, yes, you keep your physical distance (no texts, calls, drunk dials, etc.) and you send him all the positive vibes and thoughts that you have to send him. On top of that, you do your best to take proper care of your own emotional, mental and physical self.

 

And of course, you hit those books and score the best marks that you can possibly score! I'm serious -- or you're gonna get grounded or something

 

I got to get to supper, soon -- but lemme know if you're doing okay cos I can hang for a bit longer, if you need.

[melissa123]

Thanks ronni

You have been amazing! Truley amazing!

Please go and do what you have to do and dont waste your time on me!

But honestly you have been unbelieveable!

 

Just a quick note,

When we were together I was as loving and caring as possible. Now i guess I am being a bit selfish as I am so shattered right now but should I really be caring for him and also me at this stage?

He has had his say, he doesn't want me

 

I will give him space and not talk. But I know he wont talk to me either

[dead-dyke]

Give him time. He may come around.

[Cabernet34]

Hang in there Melissa. If things were meant to be, you will hear from him.

 

And you are right, as busy as he was and as stressful as everything was, he still should have taken the time to contact you. It's called being considerate.

 

I envy you that you are still young and have so much in front of you. I'm 34 and finally got engaged but that ended recently which lead me here. I know it hurts now, but you have plenty of time still and you will find somebody who will make you look back on this and laugh. It is down the road a ways but I'm sure it will happen.

 

And Ronni is right and I've been there too. You don't miss "him". You miss the "old him". I know I miss my "old her" that was so sweet and considerate, but the "current her" is the devil I tell ya. The Devil!

[Ronni_W]

Melissa,

It was my genuine pleasure, and a wise investment of my time -- don't even think about thinking anything otherwise.

Now i guess I am being a bit selfish as I am so shattered right now but should I really be caring for him and also me at this stage?

Definitely you ought to be practicing self-care, first and foremost. If, after that, you have none left for him...well, I guess it sucks to be him, huh? Just too bad, so sad.

 

Your loving and caring nature did come through in your posts, so I never doubted that. And it is perfectly fine to give that to yourself...it's not "selfish" to look after one's self, it's the responsible thing to do.

 

Good luck with your exam, in your new job, and at the competitions!

 

You sound like an amazing and accomplished person -- and that is you, no matter what is going on in your external world. He can't take it away from you when he's not around, and he can't ADD to it, when he is. He could have shared it with you, but now he won't have that honour and privilege -- sucks to be him, for missing out on you. That's how I'm seeing it.

 

Sending hugs and Healing Angels,

Ronni

[melissa123]

Thanks everyone so much!

 

I no im youngish and we werent engaged or have a child or anything but the pain is still so very real

I love him so much

I just need him back, I just want him to care.

I keep going over and over in my head what I could have done.

When I cant think of anything I conclude it must just be me.

Im not fun enough or pretty enough for him

I just cant think of anything else because I tried SO dam hard.

I devoted EVERYTHING I had to make it work.

And I know you wil say there is someone else out there who I can be with who will appreciate me but I dont want anyone else. I want him.

 

Im so hurt i just want to jump of a bridge

[ThomasX]

dont do anything silly like hurt yourself. you really think you need the guy who cant see wahts bright in you? im a stranger and even I can see you are worth a hell of a lot. especially a hell of a lot more than a guy who says hes "lazy and a dick".

 

seriously, what gives with that? that dude needs hit big time

 

just take slow deep breathes. and know we are all here for you, ya know? im here. i know what youre goin thru and thats cuz im goin thru it with u right now.

[reelbigfish]

Melissa,

 

I went through this about 5 months ago. My ex checked out of the relationship about 1 and a half - 2 months before we broke up. She lived 5 hours away so it was also long distance. I recommend that you do what you're suppose to do tonight. Be upset. Cry. Drink (in moderation and WITH someone who has your cell phone and will not give it to you if you get drunk and want to call). Believe it or not this is important (in my opinion).

 

I didn't sleep at all the first night and threw up all night long. It was the worst night and week of my life. I am not going to paint a pretty picture for you but what I will do is help you through it if you want it. Tomorrow we will work on what do you do now? How can you move on or how can you put forth your best effort to get him back? I will be happy to share my experiences with you on what has helped and what hasn't helped. I have done way more research and reached out on the internet a lot in order to try and figure things out so to save you the time I will help you sift through the bull**** if you'd like. My AIM name is 'kylemcgough' if you'd like it.

 

Most importantly DO NOT contact him tonight. You are emotionally charged and it will not end well.

 

Kyle

[melissa123]

Thanks, I dont think id have the guts to do anything stupid but im just SO upset that I cant think straight.

Its so good to know your all here with me tho, thanku so very much!

 

All I can think is that there must have been someone else, we were so good together and I didnt think you just dumped someone you have been chasing for years for no reason.

 

I feel so strongly about this that I deleted my facebook, and bebo accounts and his number. I know if that is the case I wont be able to handle it so its best I dont know

 

sigh

[reelbigfish]

Definitely a good idea. I didn't do that critical step to begin with and it cost me big time. I'm not sure deleting the accounts were a good idea as you don't want this to affect your life outside of him. You still have friends on facebook I'm sure that don't ever get to see and that is the only communication you have so in the long run you will probably want to get back on there - but for now I say stay off if you have already deleted it.

[melissa123]

Well I didnt delete it I got my sister to change the password so maybe I can go back on in the future if things are ever ok again.

Im just so worried about hearing through a mutal friend that he has someone else.

All our friends are mutal and news spreads soooooooooooo fast between them, theres no way I could avoid it.

[reelbigfish]

Well it is going to happen sooner or later. My ex met her now boyfriend while I was with her at a bar one night and two weeks after we broke up she was already dating him. So it will happen. You need to get yourself in an emotional state between now and then to be able to handle him being with someone new - or you getting him back. We can plan for that later.

[melissa123]

I would love to get him back. I know I cant handle him being with someone else. It will literally push me over the edge.

How would I cope with this if it happened? Because I know right now I couldnt. seriously.

[D-Lish]

Hey melissa, You're def getting some great advice and support here- there isn't much to be said that hasn't already been covered.

 

Your best bet really is to do what you're already doing. Remove yourself from the situation 100% and give him space.

 

We often fool ourselves into believing that when someone is pulling themselves away from us, that our best method of bringing them back to us is by going into pursuit mode. In reality- that rarely works. It only serves to put on the pressure and give the illusion we are desperate.

 

In order for you to regain control, ignore mode is your best option.

He's not going to forget about you if you stop reaching out to him. What such an act will do is to make him wonder why you suddenly stopped making contact. The wondering where you are, what you are doing, why you suddenly stopped reaching out will give him pause for thought.

 

He may or may not decide to resume the relationship- if he doesn't, you have already prepared yourself by cutting off contact.

 

You hang in there. I've been exactly where you are in the past. My first reaction to seeing someone pulling away from me was to try harder. I came to realize long ago that ignoring them served me much better. When someone treats you like a dick, they don't deserve your adoration or pursuit.

 

Everytime you get the urge to reach out- just take a deep breath and tell yourself over and over "I respect myself too much to chase him"... People tend to respect us when they understand we respect ourselves. If he wants to be a toolbox about this... let him.

 

When things aren't working as you wish them to, the best course of action is to do the opposite. Seeking contact with him isn't getting you anywhere- so cease all contact and stick with it.

 

Just think about what I said before about him not forgetting about you just because you stop letting him know you care through repeated contact. When you're not around, not available, not reaching out... that's where he'll begin to wonder what happened to you.

 

Right now, the way he's treating you is cruel and that makes him unworthy of your affection.

 

I am sorry you are going through this. You deserve better- please keep telling yourself that as you work through this.

 

Hugs.

[melissa123]

Thanks Dlish

 

That was so kind of you

 

I cant help but sit here thinking I made a big huge mistake by calling him last night to 'talk'.

If I hadn't he would still be here now

I miss him so much Its tearing me apart.

I Wish he would change his mine and come back to me.

Im terribly sad and lonely.

[ThomasX]

Melissa, you gotta get a grip and see things realistically. Has he been there for a while? You have to take a step back and view things from the view of someone else. Yes, I know you may not want to, because "someone else" may not know your relationship like you... but keep in mind that viewing it from a third perspective will give you insight.

 

For example... your bf has been lacking big time for a while now, ya know? What would be happening if you didn't call him? Instead of being hurt by you guys being separated, you'd be hurt by feeling like he doesn't care.

 

You don't think you deserve better? There are 7 billion people in the world and you want to settle with the dude who says hes a lazy dick? He doesn't appreciate you obviously, and it's his loss. Because you are an outgoing passionate person who's head is obviously in the right place-- aside from this very specific issue.

 

You have to take a deep breath and ponder that what he's done for you is a blessing... You don't think you deserve more than someone who doesn't care? You can EASILY find someone out there who will care about you. Have confidence-- because I'm not telling you things to make you feel better. I don't get anything out of that. I am telling you the facts, which you can use to get yourself to feel better. You aren't alone either. So whenever things get hard, take refuge that you aren't alone, and others are feeling the same right now.

[melissa123]

Thankyou Thomas

 

Im trying hard, I really am.

My head is all over the place right now.

I feel stupid as its so obvious he lost interest a while back.

He stoped talking, completely ignored me, and then would fly off the handle at all these little things.

He stopped caring all together for me, I think in the past month he never once asked about me

But I just sit back and let it happen.

 

I feel really angry aswell because he let me hurt and go mad trying to figure out what was wrong. He knew he was hurting me but he continued to let me hurt. I would try and ask what was wrong but he would just fly off the handle. It got to the point where all I did was send nice sweet txts even tho i was dying on the inside as I was scared of him going mad. And of course he would ignore me.

 

I told him a few times during the month I couldnt do it anymore and he would beg and get really upset. Yesterday during our call I told him that I wasn't stupid and I knew he had lost interest and he made up some excuse about just feeling sad about not seeing me.

But then he said he didnt want to try anymore

 

I feel stupid and angry and crushed all at once.

Yet dumb thing is I would do anything to get him back

[D-Lish]

Doing anything to get him back means stopping all contact right now.

Do whatever you need to do to stay away from talking to him or contacting.

 

It will be a waiting game after that- and it will be hard. But you have to do it.

 

No contact my sweet... that's your next move.