Breaking Point

[Wherenow]

My wife and I have been married for 7 years now. We are at a breaking point however. There has been a lot of tension in our marriage lately and it came to a head the other day. She told me that she did not love me anymore and was not sure that she ever did. She said she was sick of pretending and could not do it anymore. She blames the problems on me and says that I am the one that needs to make changes and that she has told me this numerous times in the past and I have never changed. Her issues with me are my weight (I am not obese, but nor am I an adonis), my relationship with her three children (ages 12, 14, and 16 now), and my hobbies. There are other issues, but those seem to be the big three at the moment.

She says that she is not attracted to me because of my weight and therefore does not want to have sex. There is no real intimacy in our marriage anymore and she has blamed it on a variety of things. She says that she could live without it. This causes tension and resentment between us.

I think that the biggest problem is my relationship with her kids. She has three children from three different guys. We have a 6 yr old girl together. One of the kids sees her dad a lot, another sees his dad fairly often and the third rarely sees her dad (his choice). The oldest one has ADHD and constantly lies, steals, and throws tantrums. Being a cop, I have great issue with her behavior. I come from a military background and an upbringing where you did not question your parents and talk back. She is a lot more lax in this area and thinks I should just ignore things more. She calls it picking my battles. Ultimately she says that I am a tyrant and mean to the kids. The problem is that she fails to act. In fact, there are many times when she would be working or studying in our home office and I was left to deal with the kids. To make a longer story short, I will agree that I have said things I should not have, but I feel as if I get no support from her and it has affected my relationship with the kids, in turn affecting my marriage. Lately my relationship with the 14 yr old has been very good. The 16 yr old and I are constantly at odds however and the 12 yr old and I have issues on and off.

She also has issues with my hobbies. I like to paint miniature soldiers, watch sci-fi, and play video games. None of which she likes. Therefore, they are unattractive to her and she gets upset if I want to do them. I have not painted for years, rarely get to play video games. If/when I do she gets very upset and life sucks for a while. I occasionally get to watch my sci-fi shows in the bedroom. I do most of the laundry and some of the housework. The kids are supposed to have chores to do and it is a fight to get them done. She does not do much around here except get upset that the house is a mess. When she does start cleaning, she is pissed at the world and complains how things are never clean unless she does them.

I am very good to her and she is spoiled in many regards. I make dinner, run errands, play chauffer to the kids, etc.

She says I need to go to counseling. She is not sure that it will save our marriage, but she says I should be going for me, not the marriage. She does not think that either of us can afford a divorce right now. We have over $50,000 in credit card debt (mostly because of her spending habits). As long as we are together, we can meet our financial obligations. I have asked her if she would go to marriage counseling with me and she said that she does not think it will do any good. She says that is for people loved each other and she has never loved me. I have an appointment for monday and am going to go for me and my daughter.

 

My question for you is.... Is there anything here left to save? Is it worth staying together until my daughter is a little older and we can both afford it? I hate to just end this if there is even the slightest chance of something changing. We are both so miserable right now though and the resentment is getting harder and harder to hide.

[amaysngrace]

She sounds like a major bitch. Not only that but she seems like she doesn't have what it takes to make it work with anyone. Her past speaks for itself.

 

Don't take this as your being inadequate because you aren't. She is the one who is lacking.

 

When she tells you she no longer loves you it's true. She checked out and it's probably been quite a while since she has. This isn't something that just happens when you wake up one day. In her head she checked out of the marriage a long time ago.

 

If divorce is not an option then what would your options be?

 

I guess if you need to stay there I would go see a counselor to maybe help you get your confidence back. She plays dirty and she has resorted to character attacks. I'm sure your ego has suffered as a result.

 

Maybe join a gym and start working out. It will make you feel better about yourself and get you out of the house more. If I were you I'd stop doing all those extra things around the house. It goes unappreciated by her and even criticized by her. Why bother?

 

Keep your focus on taking care of yourself and your daughter. These other four people may leave your life but you and your daughter are forever. So prioritize appropriately.

 

Good luck to you.

[Wherenow]

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I think she checked out long ago. I did not want to see it because I still had feelings for her. Not always sure why, but they are there.

 

My options at this point are to either seperate and move out or stick it out for a few more years until our 6 yr old is a bit older and can understand it and handle it better. There are also financial considerations we need to take into account. It sucks though because there is tension and it seems we argue a lot which is not good for our daughter because it puts us in a bad mood all the time. I don't like to use the b word, but I sure have been thinking it a lot lately.

 

I am a member of a gym and I work out when I can. I don't get home from work til 5:45pm and then I usually end up making dinner and am very tired from work. It sucks! I have tried getting up early but the problem is that she leaves around 6am for work and I don't like that the older kids are left alone with the younger one. I am worried that they will not keep a good eye on her. I will be the first to admit there have been plenty of times that I don't go when I could have, but I just don't have the motivation for it. I feel so beat down most days.

 

I have an appointment with a counselor on monday. Regardless of whether or not it saves my marriage, I am doing this for me and my daughter.

 

Thanks for your reply.

[amaysngrace]

You may want to start stashing some money away. I don't know what your finances are but you may want to rearrange them so you can take a little and open a separate account. Open a PO Box for the bank statements or anything else you may want to keep hidden.

 

You've played nice for too long. Now it's time to play fair. If she's not being nice you no longer need to be either.

[n9688m]

She married you but now says she doesn't know if she ever loved you.

 

Translation: She is having an affair. Start doing some research

[Maladjusted]

She married you but now says she doesn't know if she ever loved you.

 

Translation: She is having an affair. Start doing some research

 

Yup. I went through the same thing you are. There's probably another guy involved based on what she is saying. I heard the same damn things.

[Wherenow]

I thought that there might be another guy at first too, but I did a little digging and have found no evidence of one. Also, she never goes anywhere but work or home. She is doing clinical rotations at various hospitals, so I know it isn't a guy where she works. Since we have been married I have caught her on a dating website twice. The first time, she did end up meeting up with a guy she used to date. She had just had our daughter and was still a bit heavy. I guess he was into her and that upset her. About a year ago or so I found out that she was on match.com and was looking. We had a long talk about many things. She told me (and this may just be a ploy on her part) that being on there helped her and that she was finding out that what she had at home was really good. She ended up talking with one guy and canceled her membership. She kept in touch with him for a few weeks after and then she told me that he seemed to be just like me and she stopped talking to him. She hasn't gotten any emails from him in about 9 months or so and they never met in person or talked on the phone.

 

As for her telling me that she may never have loved me.....

Just before we got married, she told me that she did not want to get married. Everyone, family included thought she was just having cold feet. She had been engaged numerous other times and we all figured she was just scared of the committment and that it would pass. Both her sister and mom said that I should stick by her and reassure her that things would be ok. Well, looking back, maybe I should have headed that warning and called it off. I guess it wasn't cold feet. She says that she resents me for making her get married and that she has carried that resentment with her the whole time. She has stuck it out this long becaue of our daughter and because she didn't want to look like the bad guy. Her family loves me and would not be happy if we split up, especially her brother.

 

Its a sucky situation overall. I would love to stow some money away but we need it all for bills at the moment. I honeslty think that she just was never in love with me.

 

She keeps telling me though that if I lose weight, go to counseling and am better with the kids that maybe (no guarantees) something could change. I am not holding my breath however.

[n9688m]

Since we have been married I have caught her on a dating website twice.

 

Mystery solved.

 

People who take their marriage vows seriously don't go to dating websites.

 

Once a cheater, always a cheater.

[SRV]

She keeps telling me though that if I lose weight, go to counseling and am better with the kids that maybe (no guarantees) something could change. I am not holding my breath however.

 

Please whatever you do, DO IT FOR YOURSELF. You need to get to that place mentally on your own through introspection to make worthwhile changes that are long lasting and to your overall benefit.

[TrustInYourself]

It just depends on what you want. Screw what she wants.

 

If you want it to work, you can take action to make things conducive to your relationship.

 

You have many issues but they can be worked out. It's all a matter of perspective and mindset.

 

My main concern would be, do I want to work it out with this woman due to her history? Honestly, I think you can do better, but that's not my call. You love her and that's cool. We all love imperfect people. It's just a matter of how you want to approach this problem and what solutions you can come up with.

[SirLingam]

I don't claim to be an expert in matters of relationships, but I know where you are at. She is throwing excuses at you, nothing more. My wife has been doing the same thing for 2 years. We have been in counceling and she doesn't change anything. I do what the councilor suggests and she doesn't do any of the work. I suggest you save money on the side and talk to all the best lawyers in your town. You don't have to retain any of them, but if you talk to them they cannot represent her. So you take the top tier of lawyers for yourself and then you play hardball. If she "never loved you," then she lied to you for your entire marriage. Now she is on dating websites and that means she wants to date, so divorce her and give her finally what she really wants. She will find that the dating pool for a female with 4 kids isn't as large or glamourous as she wishes it was. I doubt that she is desperate housewife material. As to your little girl, it is better to divorce now and explain it wasn't anything to do with her than it is to live in an unhappy home, because you will be teaching her that the cold indifference that your wife shows you is the way she needs to treat men in her future.

 

Regards

 

SirLingam

[mark982]

first off i want to thank you for helping keep our streets a little safer. buddy she has problems.pushes her problems off on you.i can't see weight being a problem as far as sex, if that was the case 70% of the people would be sexless.i got to the gym with "alot" of policemen, you guys know everything, and can find out anything . time to use those contacts.