trusting my boyfriend

[Ashley]

I have a very serious problem, one might not think it is that serious. I have a big problem trusting. I have a wonderful boyfriend , and I get sick to my stomach when he is out with his friends. I don't make any comments to him or anything. I also get really sick to my stomach when I think about him going on vacation with his friend in June. The trip was already planned when he met me. He says he's not even looking forward to going now. I just don't say anything. I don't want him to know I have these trust issues. He does a great deal of reassuring me that he is into me with out me even saying anything. I want so badly to feel comfortable when I'm not with him because the healthiest relationships are built on trust. I do not have low self esteem or feel I'm ugly or anything so I don't know why I feel this way. I feel the more I grow to like him the worse I will feel because I have more to loose, I know not all guys cheat & there are good ones out there & I believe I have one. I just don't know how I can feel better. Please help!

[Tony T]

I read your post three or four times for clues to an answer.

 

Since I can't ask you questions, the best I can surmise is that the person you really don't trust is yourself. In psychology, it's called projection. If we feel we can't be trusted, we don't trust others. If children take money from their mother's purse when nobody's looking, they feel others will take money from them when nobody's looking.

 

The only way you will be able to trust your boyfriend is to work on yourself. You have given no reason for him not to deserve your trust. Therefore, either you feel you would cheat if you were him (projection) or you have had unpleasant experiences with men in the past and are projecting their behavior onto him.

 

There is also a chance you are deceiving yourself by saying you don't have a self esteem problem. If you felt really good about yourself, you wouldn't have too many worries.

 

Did your father cheat on your mother? That could be a problem. I mean cheating is all over the place but we live our own lives, not others and we do the best with our own situations.

 

You may have a great man here. But you will ultimately screw up every relationship you ever form if you don't work on yourself, live by the golden rule, forgive others who have jerked you around, and start loving in a healthy fashion.

 

It doesn't sound like this is going to be easy for you. Maybe professional counselling would be helpful.

[Ashley]

Thanks for the advise Tony, I guess I did neglect to say that my father did cheat on my mother & he was never around when I was growing up. I had a long term relationship also & he too cheated on me. I try not to think about those things & look on to the future. I'm not sure what has effected me more. I guess I'm afraid to loose what I think is a good thing again. I would love to just feel laid back in the relationship, but it is virtuly impossible. I'm always thinking the worst when I'm not with him. Do you have any input after reading this?

I read your post three or four times for clues to an answer. Since I can't ask you questions, the best I can surmise is that the person you really don't trust is yourself. In psychology, it's called projection. If we feel we can't be trusted, we don't trust others. If children take money from their mother's purse when nobody's looking, they feel others will take money from them when nobody's looking. The only way you will be able to trust your boyfriend is to work on yourself. You have given no reason for him not to deserve your trust. Therefore, either you feel you would cheat if you were him (projection) or you have had unpleasant experiences with men in the past and are projecting their behavior onto him. There is also a chance you are deceiving yourself by saying you don't have a self esteem problem. If you felt really good about yourself, you wouldn't have too many worries. Did your father cheat on your mother? That could be a problem. I mean cheating is all over the place but we live our own lives, not others and we do the best with our own situations. You may have a great man here. But you will ultimately screw up every relationship you ever form if you don't work on yourself, live by the golden rule, forgive others who have jerked you around, and start loving in a healthy fashion.

 

It doesn't sound like this is going to be easy for you. Maybe professional counselling would be helpful.

[Tony T]

I think I pretty well covered those possiblities in my initial response.

 

Just because you get a case of indigestion, that doesn't mean you never eat again.

 

Give every person you meet a chance. Let them earn your trust, but don't penalize them for other people's breaches. If you think love comes with guarantees, you may as well jump over Niagara Falls. Loving is one of the biggest risks you take in life. But it comes with the richest rewards. If you cut love off at the passs by not trusting, you deny yourself what we are on this planet to get and give.

 

So the decision you have to make is Do you want to be happy? or do you just want to live without romance in your life?

 

Again, a counsellor is likely to have some good ideas and techniques for you to deal with this.

[Bliss]

Ashley

 

I have found that I have the same problem with guys, I know exactly what you mean. At least you have the strength to not say anything, that is a really important thing. I lost a boyfriend a long time ago because of the way I got really anxious and jealous. It got better with time, but I think therapy or counselling would be good. I don't have a problem with self-esteem or anything either, and I hate it when people call it insecurity, like it's my problem. And it drives me crazy when people say that it's because I can't trust myself, that I would cheat or lie, so I project it on to other people. I'm the most honest and trustworthy person I know! I think it does have something to do with our parents - mine would lie to me at the drop of a hat if it suited their purposes. If your father cheated on your mother, that would certainly do it. You just have to slowly mentally separate your parents from other people and gradually think "trust, trust" to yourself. If your boyfriend trusts you, you need to try and give him the same trust back. I know it's hard though! We can get there!