Am I wrong for feeling this way?

[hollywood3453]

Okay here's the situation. I met a man and we're very different from one another however I'm growing to like him more each day. Now he's told me that he's been seperated not legally seperated from his wife for (3) years now and they have (4) kids together. He says that they haven't finalized the divorce because he's waiting on her to draw the papers up because they want to come to a mutual understanding instead of having someone dictate to them what they are suppose to do.

 

He makes goooooood money and he supports his kids! Well I've been to his home so I know they don't live together but he always continually gets calls from his lil girl day and night and for some reason it always be this one daughter in particular. I'm thinking it's the wife but anyways, Thanksgiving is coming up and he said to me "I was wondering when you were going to talk about dinner. I just assumed that he would eat with me but I had made other plans at my best friends house but told him that I would cook and him and his kids can come there. Everytime I speak about any situation that have to do with his wife or kids he gets offended. Okay here's the bomb shell.

 

He said that he normally eats dinner there over his wife house with the kids! So my respond was well what do you plan on doing now because I'm in the picture. He said that he would have to discuss it with his kids. SO I said what about xmas do you spend the night there so they can wake up and see you. Now I'm being funny but I don't understand the youngest is 11 so if they have been seperated for 3 years I'm sure the kids know that daddy isn't coming home and I'm sure he's dated other women then me.

 

BUt he's talking marriage and us living together and everything but today he just flipped out because he doesn't understand why I don't understand his position. When they divorce she's gonna get half anyways right and most likely a child support order will come into play right? He gets all upset and tells me I have nothing bad to say about my wife and she had nothing bad to say about him. I told him he shouldn't let his kids dictate his happiness if it's me who he wants to be with. I've never met the kids.

 

He wanted me to meet the 2 girls but I insisted on meeting the whole crew! How should I handle this. I'm new to this and I always said that I wouldn't date a married man but I'm just learning that there's a such thing as legally seperated and seperated. NOw I"m stuck looking stupid because he says he's not going to destroy his childrens life> what is that suppose to mean. Yes kids are important I have one of my own but why do people put it off on the kids all time. They will understand and get over it if it's done properly and I feel 3 years is a long time to be seperated if it's any truth in that!

[whichwayisup]

Something is very wrong here - Either he has lied to you about the length of time they've been separated, or he is lying to you now about everything.

 

Hate to say it, but you have no right to dictate when and how many of his kids you would like to meet. That's up to him and his (ex) wife. Maybe they have an agreement no new people meeting and being involved with the kids until they're divorced.. But either way, you need to back off and not push this aspect of his life - his kids are his and whatever he decides, is best for them.

 

Sorry to sound harsh, but if you go read more threads in the OW/OM section, maybe you'll see some pattern that your MM isn't being too honest and upfront with you about his marital status.

[whichwayisup]

I told him he shouldn't let his kids dictate his happiness if it's me who he wants to be with. I've never met the kids.

 

The other thing is, don't put yourself in a position where he has to choose between you and his kids. You'll lose everytime and it doesn't matter if he's legally separated or not, his kids come first.

 

Seems too him and his wife do have a good friendship, so he isn't going to put that in jeapordy either.

 

How long have you been dating him?

[hollywood3453]

We've been dating for 6 months. He goes home only to feed the dogs and spends every night with me. He wanted me to meet his daughters and he just recently met my son. See I'm very funny who I expose my child to and he would leave in the morning before my son left for school. That's only because of my last serious relationship of 6 years my son was very affected by the break up and I made it a promise to myself no matter who I was dating I wouldn't expose my child to them until I felt in my heart that they would be around.

 

So now he's met my son, and dictating to him isn't what I'm doing. I'm just expressing my feelings about a 3 year seperation and why his kids can't come to my house for dinner instead of him there like they are some happy family, when he's up under me every night!

 

I know this is a mess but it is what it is. No excuses on my part, I'm trying to understand and what sparked this conversation is I was online earlier looking for ways to cope with a married seperated man and left the information up on the screen and he called me at work and asked me what was going on.

 

He said I shouldn't let outsiders influence my decision making with him!

[whichwayisup]

He isn't being 100% honest with you about his wife. Listen to your gut, if you feel something is "off" then talk to him about this.

 

You also have every right to ask questions, online or to your friends about your relationship with him...That's sort of a red flag.

 

6 months isn't that long. And more than likely he hasn't been separated from his wife for 3 years.. I mean, for all you know, all of what he's told you about a possible divorce isn't true and to her, maybe he's making it seem like there's hope for them to get back together. Never say never..

 

You only know what he's told you about their marriage. I mean, does she know you exist?

[wildsoul]

When you say "seperated," does that mean he has his own apartment? I'm hoping you don't mean that he still lives there!

 

It seems to me that you and he need to define things a lot better. Some of the questions I would have would be:

• Does your wife know you are dating?
  
• Is she dating?
  
• What did you two decide about introducing the kids to each other's new bf/gf?
  

Have you thought about inviting the W to your house, too?

[2sunny]

seems he is sleeping at your house every night. is it possible he's using you because he doesn't want to pay for his own place?

 

if you think your son doesn't notice that you allow him to stay there - you're fooling yourself... kids are smarter than we think... and notice a lot more too.

 

your boundaries with him are very loose. make some demands and set some new guidelines and see how he reacts when you actually expect something of him. my bet is he won't stay with you very long... you are not his priority - you are a convenience that solves his problem of where to sleep at night since he's not allowed home.

 

find out the REAL TRUTH of his home situation... too many things don't make sense. that way maybe we can help when you're dealing with his truth.

[hollywood3453]

ok yeah I know it's alot to listen to but yes he has his own place. I have keys have opened the door and trust me no sign of nothing pertaining to a woman. I was driving his 2nd car until today when he saw that I was online trying to get a better understanding of my situation. He took the car but left the truck with no keys! Go figure. He's been in my ear lately about taking care of 2 households because he helps me out, but he's trying to move in and leave his place. He says he eats and sleeps here so he should live here, remind you he lives an hour away from me but works closer to me then his house.

 

Please, he gets off tonight and I need to hit him with all I got. I don't want my words to be misunderstood because I'm angry and you know people sometimes say things they shouldn't say so I'm trying to get it right because I refuse to walk on egg shells when it pertains to his wife and kids.

 

Then on the other hand he makes comments like she (the wife) knows better when I start talking about child support, he says he tells her all she's going to do is hurt the kids if she gets child support involved. He even spoke about us getting a bigger house so his kids can come live with us.

 

The more I talk about this S*** it's starting to make me look more stupid!

[GreenEyedLady]

He is so married...

 

I bet that place is a buddy's...

 

If you don't want to deal with a whole lot of heartache, run as fast as you can right now...

[hollywood3453]

You could be right! But I snooped around and he has tons and tons of mail there.