lonelysoulja Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 Even when I know it's not healthy, and completely irrational! Here's my story (long-winded I am): Exactly one year ago, I met a girl through a dating website. Initially, we contacted eachother back and forth through emails and IM. Eventually, I built up the courage to ask her out to go see a movie together (later, she confessed she had been waiting anxiously for me to do that). That first date, was the first time we met in person, and my initial reaction to her, was um, she's kind of cute, not totally my type, but she seemed sweet enough that NOT being 100% attracted to her wouldn't matter .. Anyway, we started dating, seeing eachother once a week, and "talking" almost everyday through IM. But I never made any moves (not sure if I didn't have the motivation or I am just that repressed or what, but I never felt the urge to), so eventually it got to the point where one night while returning her home, she told me to pull over and said that "we have to talk"... She basically asked me to be her boyfriend. It became pretty clear that she expected something, and given that I hadn't put much thought into what I wanted and didn't want to offend her, I felt like I had to give her the response that she wanted...I told her that I really liked her, and asked to kiss her. So we made out and blah blah. I know it sounds silly but I felt awesome just for having made out, having made her happy, and finally having a girlfriend. So then I was in a relationship, but being a complete neophyte to the situation, I had no ideas of what was "expected". I just went with the flow. She kept calling me "mysterious" and "hard to read", but in my head, I always thought it was "obvious" that I liked her and loved spending time with her. Anyway, a month into the relationship, I was going away on a trip to South Asia and the UAE. I guess, being that both of us were brown, she figured I was going to get an arranged marriage or something like that, lol, but it was nothing like that, it was to see my relatives who live in the rural areas of Pak and work as labourers in the UAE...so I promised her that I would come home a single man, as she was a bit concerned about that. Unfortunately, while I was away I had limited access to modern means of communication, and could not communicate with her as often as I would have liked, but she sent emails everyday even with that understanding, and when I came home I thought it was soooo sweeet that she had done that, and evidence that she liked me. So when I came back, she was sooooo happy to see me again, as was I. I even bought her some gifts. I really thought of her as a "best friend" at this point, someone who was willing to be patient and understanding of me. I was geeked. Although, she startled me when I came back and told me that she had a "secret"..her secret was that she had quit her job because she was unhappy. I found it weird that she never talked to me about it before, but okay, I told her that I supported her. At the time I didn't realize that there were other problems as well, regarding communications and intimacy. I am very "slow" to be affectionate but was slowly becoming confident that I could be with her. One night while her parents went away, she decided to invite me over, cook me dinner, and have me spend the night..I didn't feel any pressure, but we never "discussed" things of that nature..so I'm not sure if things went well, bad, or what... I assumed things went well, because she stayed with me, and still sent me "I wish you were here holding me" texts........but it never esclated from there. We still just eachother once a week for movies, and talked everyday over the net...I just sent her a e-card for Vday and took her out for dinner the following weekend (I guess that sucked on my part but I have no clue)... I guess I was a bit distracted by my job and felt secure that we'd be there for eachother, because she didn't give me any hints of being upset with me... So now comes D-day. I totally did not see it coming....it was the day after I had just landed a new position in my company and I thought we were going out to celebrate because we were also going to my favorite restaurant (her choosing)... again, she came at me with the "we need to talk" approach right after dessert arrived. She told me that she wasn't "happy" and that I didn't seem that "into her".... and what follows is my class in HOW NOT TO REACT TO GETTING DUMPED 101, lol I felt like I was being punched in the gut, and tears immediately welled up in my eyes. I told myself how could this be, and how is this the first time you're telling me that you are unhappy? I told her that she was mistaken, that she was the first thing on my mind in the morning, and the last thing before I went to bed. That, I could change, etc. She said too late, the damage is done. I asked her if we could for a drive together...So we went for a drive after, and I cried on her shoulder, and we had one last kiss at my request...I was overwhelmed with emotions but had to accept reality... I told her about how lonely I had been growing up (I am coping with social anxiety), that maintaining a friendship with her was really important to me...she promised that we would remain friends. Well, it didn't turn out that way...she/we became really weird after a while, she would set up facebook scramble/scrabble games and then not talk to me the entire time. Eventually, it drove me crazy and in a moment of panic while I was dealing with other anxieties, I sent out her a sad email that I needed help and advice from a friend... No response....so i sent her another email, saying I was sorry, maybe I overstepped the boundaries looking for personal help like that and told her goodbye, and then removed her from my friends list... I thought I had to get over her, and that the out of sight, out of mind would work for me...and figured that's what she wanted but didn't have the heart to say to me but it didn't work ... 3 months later, in another moment of panic i reached out to her again...asking for a friendship, saying that life was too short... again, no reponse. I felt shattered, and I still can't shake myself from this. I wake up in the morning and think about what I did wrong and how upset I am for doing this to myself ... I just can't control my thoughts or distract myself enough to get over this. The more I think about my reaction, the guiltier I feel. Why is my head like this? I feel absolutely horrible. Not to sound conceited, but I am not a bad looking dude. I have no problem attracting women...right after her, i went on a dating binge, but nothing clicked...and now I feel awkward about dealing with the opposite sex at all ,ever again it's just that at the core I've always been a "distant" loner type of person who deep down inside craves friendship..I feel like such a dysfunctional person, and can't figure a way out of this funk. She wasn't even that hot or nice. I know it's something wrong with me. Link to post Share on other sites
No Foolin Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 Lets see.... lonelysoulja is it? Ok lets start with the basics. This is very easy to cook but very hard to choke down; here we go............. Ready? ITS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thats it....................... Now until you can accept the fact that you and this girl and whatever you guys had is dead; there is very little I can help you with. I can help you cope, i.e. get through the nights and the long days, but until you are ready figure some stuff out (mainly about you), there isn't much I can do. to answer your question though, the reason you still think about this girl is simple: Its an ego thing. She left you, cut off your supply. Its also known as the law of scarcity: we always want what we can't have. But there are ways around that, lord knows. No Foolin Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelysoulja Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 I know it's over. I get that. I didn't even like her that much. I think about her more now than I ever did while I was with her! I get the blow to the ego.... I just can't shut off thinking about her. It's in my dreams, literally. And especially when I wake up, or feel sad. It's like automatic stupid thoughts. Link to post Share on other sites
No Foolin Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 Well brother you know what I'm gonna say. Yer focusing on the wrong person, but you already know this. I haven't been on this board since July, and they've gone and pinned one of my threads LMAO, lololololo. Find the thread or click the link below my post, its the playbook that got me from a nightmare to here (here would be me typing messages on loveshack on a laptop owned by the girl I'm "currently" dating while she's selfishly hogging the freaking blankets on her bed, lol). You'll get through this. No Foolin Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelysoulja Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 Tried pretty much all that you have written in your thread, except the being social part, that's not me..none of it helps with the dreams, and waking up with her on my mind. This I can't seem to control and I don't want those thoughts there.. I think I'd like to disappear. I hate living in the modern western world. Link to post Share on other sites
Eyeofthoth Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 See my thread entitled "Ocd" I am not saying you have Ocd, but obsessive thinking is really what you are complaining about here. I can relate to what you are saying very much and here is the part that I really get: You are not a terribly social or romantic person. You let someone in. It was a major event in your life -- monumental. It ended. This is a major loss. It takes time to get over. Everyone agrees that you have to redirect your thoughts intentionally, consciously and repeatedly in order to get over it sometime this century. I'm not having much success myself, but apparently most other people can do it. Link to post Share on other sites
Kukulkan Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 Even when I know it's not healthy, and completely irrational! Here's my story (long-winded I am): Exactly one year ago, I met a girl through a dating website. Initially, we contacted eachother back and forth through emails and IM. Eventually, I built up the courage to ask her out to go see a movie together (later, she confessed she had been waiting anxiously for me to do that). That first date, was the first time we met in person, and my initial reaction to her, was um, she's kind of cute, not totally my type, but she seemed sweet enough that NOT being 100% attracted to her wouldn't matter .. Anyway, we started dating, seeing eachother once a week, and "talking" almost everyday through IM. But I never made any moves (not sure if I didn't have the motivation or I am just that repressed or what, but I never felt the urge to), so eventually it got to the point where one night while returning her home, she told me to pull over and said that "we have to talk"... She basically asked me to be her boyfriend. It became pretty clear that she expected something, and given that I hadn't put much thought into what I wanted and didn't want to offend her, I felt like I had to give her the response that she wanted...I told her that I really liked her, and asked to kiss her. So we made out and blah blah. I know it sounds silly but I felt awesome just for having made out, having made her happy, and finally having a girlfriend. So then I was in a relationship, but being a complete neophyte to the situation, I had no ideas of what was "expected". I just went with the flow. She kept calling me "mysterious" and "hard to read", but in my head, I always thought it was "obvious" that I liked her and loved spending time with her. Anyway, a month into the relationship, I was going away on a trip to South Asia and the UAE. I guess, being that both of us were brown, she figured I was going to get an arranged marriage or something like that, lol, but it was nothing like that, it was to see my relatives who live in the rural areas of Pak and work as labourers in the UAE...so I promised her that I would come home a single man, as she was a bit concerned about that. Unfortunately, while I was away I had limited access to modern means of communication, and could not communicate with her as often as I would have liked, but she sent emails everyday even with that understanding, and when I came home I thought it was soooo sweeet that she had done that, and evidence that she liked me. So when I came back, she was sooooo happy to see me again, as was I. I even bought her some gifts. I really thought of her as a "best friend" at this point, someone who was willing to be patient and understanding of me. I was geeked. Although, she startled me when I came back and told me that she had a "secret"..her secret was that she had quit her job because she was unhappy. I found it weird that she never talked to me about it before, but okay, I told her that I supported her. At the time I didn't realize that there were other problems as well, regarding communications and intimacy. I am very "slow" to be affectionate but was slowly becoming confident that I could be with her. One night while her parents went away, she decided to invite me over, cook me dinner, and have me spend the night..I didn't feel any pressure, but we never "discussed" things of that nature..so I'm not sure if things went well, bad, or what... I assumed things went well, because she stayed with me, and still sent me "I wish you were here holding me" texts........but it never esclated from there. We still just eachother once a week for movies, and talked everyday over the net...I just sent her a e-card for Vday and took her out for dinner the following weekend (I guess that sucked on my part but I have no clue)... I guess I was a bit distracted by my job and felt secure that we'd be there for eachother, because she didn't give me any hints of being upset with me... So now comes D-day. I totally did not see it coming....it was the day after I had just landed a new position in my company and I thought we were going out to celebrate because we were also going to my favorite restaurant (her choosing)... again, she came at me with the "we need to talk" approach right after dessert arrived. She told me that she wasn't "happy" and that I didn't seem that "into her".... and what follows is my class in HOW NOT TO REACT TO GETTING DUMPED 101, lol I felt like I was being punched in the gut, and tears immediately welled up in my eyes. I told myself how could this be, and how is this the first time you're telling me that you are unhappy? I told her that she was mistaken, that she was the first thing on my mind in the morning, and the last thing before I went to bed. That, I could change, etc. She said too late, the damage is done. I asked her if we could for a drive together...So we went for a drive after, and I cried on her shoulder, and we had one last kiss at my request...I was overwhelmed with emotions but had to accept reality... I told her about how lonely I had been growing up (I am coping with social anxiety), that maintaining a friendship with her was really important to me...she promised that we would remain friends. Well, it didn't turn out that way...she/we became really weird after a while, she would set up facebook scramble/scrabble games and then not talk to me the entire time. Eventually, it drove me crazy and in a moment of panic while I was dealing with other anxieties, I sent out her a sad email that I needed help and advice from a friend... No response....so i sent her another email, saying I was sorry, maybe I overstepped the boundaries looking for personal help like that and told her goodbye, and then removed her from my friends list... I thought I had to get over her, and that the out of sight, out of mind would work for me...and figured that's what she wanted but didn't have the heart to say to me but it didn't work ... 3 months later, in another moment of panic i reached out to her again...asking for a friendship, saying that life was too short... again, no reponse. I felt shattered, and I still can't shake myself from this. I wake up in the morning and think about what I did wrong and how upset I am for doing this to myself ... I just can't control my thoughts or distract myself enough to get over this. The more I think about my reaction, the guiltier I feel. Why is my head like this? I feel absolutely horrible. Not to sound conceited, but I am not a bad looking dude. I have no problem attracting women...right after her, i went on a dating binge, but nothing clicked...and now I feel awkward about dealing with the opposite sex at all ,ever again it's just that at the core I've always been a "distant" loner type of person who deep down inside craves friendship..I feel like such a dysfunctional person, and can't figure a way out of this funk. She wasn't even that hot or nice. I know it's something wrong with me. I can completely relate and empathize with you my man, I just went through a very similar situation but I was in the relationship for two years and we basically lived together for the bulk of it. She broke it off in May of this year and I was a complete and total wreck, this lasted for MONTHS. Truth be told, I still think of her from time to time - and we have at least been able to move things to a friendly email exchange relationship once every few weeks or so. Hell to top everything off, the month she broke it off I got into a horrible car accident and totaled my Accord - found out my big sister was diagnosed with M.S. and got a wicked kidney stone! Needless to say, it wasn't an easy time. It's only just now after six months that I'm really feeling up to dating other women, but as cliche' as this sounds the old saying is really true, time does heal all wounds. Some of the things I did to pick up the pieces: 1. Joined a kickball team with several male and female friends. Not only was it a great excuse to get myself out of the house once a week, but you'd be surprised at how many cute single girls play kickball too. Throw some beer into the mix and it's a great way to get back into the swing of socializing. 2. Started truly working on FRIENDships with some of my female acquaintances. I wasn't really sure how this would pan out at first, but I went into it genuinely with no ulterior motives and I think it has been great. There were many times over this past year and a half that these girls have been great friends for me, I was able to IM them when feeling particularly down and they were able to provide me with a great perspective that sometimes male friends just can't understand. They also immediately started trying to fix me up with their single friends, so that didn't hurt either. 3. Get out more! Go to more concerts, parties, events - anything to get you out of the house and have a good time for yourself! It's amazing how wrapped up we can get in a relationship, to a point where you don't even realize you've been living your life for someone else. You MUST learn to be happy by yourself, become your own best friend. When you really work on this in earnest, it will shine through in every interaction you have with others. I also suspect, although I'm no expert, that many women find a man who is comfortable being alone and doing their own thing to be quite a good catch. Following these three basic things, I can honestly say I have come a long way from six months ago when it felt like my entire world was crumbling around me. I've finally gotten some dates lined up, and am just keeping busy being social and having fun/making friendships. It's funny, but for me it seemed like the moment I finally accepted the reality of what happened and stopped trying so hard to find someone and tried being happy with myself - the opportunities are suddenly popping up all over the place! Good luck to you mate. Link to post Share on other sites
kizik Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 I can honestly say I have come a long way from six months ago when it felt like my entire world was crumbling around me. ...for me it seemed like the moment I finally accepted the reality of what happened and stopped trying so hard to find someone and tried being happy with myself - the opportunities are suddenly popping up all over the place! Really, really well said. I feel the exact same way (down to the 6 months aspect, as well). The key is to accept being by yourself, and being yourself. Once you are happy alone, the only way to go is up! Link to post Share on other sites
Sysyphus28 Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 met this really great woman(not childish girl). She is 29, we went out on three dates so far. It got hot and heavy..........this tuesday............and I liek her alot. I am afraid I am going to F it up. We have a date on sat too! Link to post Share on other sites
gd26 Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 This may be hard for you to hear, but I think her breaking things off with you was really the right thing to do. You say yourself that you weren't that attracted to her etc. It's clear from your attitude that you didn't really think she was all that. All of us want to be with someone who adores us, and it wasn't fair to her to be with a man that wasn't that into her. I am sure her ego must have been bruised during the time you two were together, and it must have been painful for her to be so excited about a guy who didn't feel the same. Now after she leaves, your ego is bruised and you miss the companionship. From what you've written, it seems like this is the real issue. If you thought that she was the love of your life, then I would encourage you to try to get her back. But obviously this isn't the case. You just miss the communication. It's about you, not her. Thus, I think you need to let her go. I am sure it is hurtful to her to keep getting messages from you when she's trying to heal and move on. A true friend is not selfish enough to keep stringing someone along. If you care about her at all as a friend, let her move on and do not keep contacting her. If she wants to contact you at a later date, she will. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelysoulja Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 gd26, No, that's not really hard for me to hear. I think I understand that. I'm selfish, I even told her that in my self-initiated goodbye. I totally get that. I am not that oblivious. Guilt over being a dang fool, that was my intial reaction to being dumped and because of that I still haven't come to grips with which of the following is true: 1) My standards are too high. I have to graciously accept what I can get, and not take it for granted, even when it comes easily. Whatever I get, accept it, cherish it...stop being an idiot. 2) I should have cut her off, the moment I saw her for the first time and didn't feel that special feeling in my gut, that *bite your fist* feeling, and I definitely shouldn't have said yes to starting a more serious than just friends relationship with her...if I wasn't feeling her like that..(the thing is, I've never met anyone like that) Figuring which of the above is true will help me moving forward because it impacts not only how I am going to be in future relationships, but also in my general life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelysoulja Posted November 14, 2008 Author Share Posted November 14, 2008 any thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
BackonTrack2 Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 damn dude just reading your post makes me feel sorry for you. I can tell that you are sitting at home thinking you did something wrong and coming on this forum for someone to relate to your stories and cheer you up. Well my friend, all your doing in life, in the grandscheme of things, at this juncture in time is NOTHING. You are at home doing NOTHING. Not going to any shows, not going to the movies, not socializing. The only way for you to feel better is to tell yourself "Ok **** it, she left me oh well" Then go outside make it your mission to have sex with the first women you see. Next, have sex with a few more women, your get your confidence back and stop pittying yourself and then you will start to think to yourself "**** her, I don't need her" but sooner or later thats going to come crashing down but man, you need a pick me up. Anyway, take this time to discover yourself, stay busy, join a sport, any sport, who cares, as long as they have people, do something, forget about her, its the past, its gone, its like that breakfast you had this morning, sure it was good but that was hours ago..... Thats how you should view this thing "Sure it was good, but its gone now, time to start over and just use what you've gain from the relationship to make your next one over, thats all it is, a relationship, like a pair of gym socks, use them, throw them out until you find your favorite one, then you marry her" Wow writing that last line just makes me realize how the ex changed me so greatly, to late now, its apart of me. That damn whore, changed me then left like her job was finished. WOW, I really never needed her, I just loved her, she stayed with me so long. Took it bad when she left, took it really bad. Really really bad, oh sorry this is about you, OK with 1) be who you are, your standards are not to high, she left, whatever, her loss, she's stupid, its not your fault 2) Yes you should of did that, the same way those people should of not shot up the school, the same way america should of not finianced bin-laiden, the same way, colon powell should of not made the case for war at the UN, but its done and you live and learn, be smarter next time. #3) Dude your mind is messed up, listen to the people here, do what the above poster said, find a sport, also, realize your mind is messed up, it really is, you = have a messed up mind, u know like when you play a sport and they break your arm, well your mind is that way now, questioning yourself, questioning your decision, looking to much into the past. go heal yourself now, you are damaged. repair yourself, your medicine is TIME & Social Activities & Excerise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelysoulja Posted November 14, 2008 Author Share Posted November 14, 2008 Lol@the suggestion of sports and exercise, I exercise all of the time and play basketball at least 2-3x a week. These are my addictions already....lol But even during work outs, I'll think of her, and maybe spell her name in place of rep counts (1-2-3), lol...or when I'm at the line during a league game taking a foul shot... see I'm clearly obsessed! I'm not a particularly social person and I don't think I'm into making it my mission to screwing the first woman I see...is going to work. I'm not capable of that, nor am I interested. I should have added this background to my original post but we never went all of the way. "Slept" together once when she invited me over for a night, but I didn't do the deed of going all of the way...did everything but go inside of her (ok, tmi). I held back. Yup, I know that sounds weird in this day and age, and it probably is one reason why she won't have anything to do with me...Who was I to know sex was that important in a relationship? It's not something we discussed at all either....You know I'm barely familiar with the concept of dating and the "rules". It's all brand new. I'm from a fairly conservative and backward culture at home, so integrating with the "western world" and its ways, even though I've been here all of my life, has always been a struggle. Add to that I have never been the type to be outgoing socially or normal. My vice is staying isolated like Iceland! and that will not be changing. I'd just like to get back to not being obsessed. Link to post Share on other sites
gd26 Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 I am also South Asian and have refrained from sex - by choice - even though I'm in my late 20s. So I understand the cultural aspect. I honestly don't think having sex with many people does a person any good. It may provide temporary relief, but then most people just feel cheap afterwards (either you or the person you slept with). I certainly wouldn't recommend that course of action. It's important to live conscientiously and not do anything that you would later look back on with regrets. That's my personal ideology. If other people want to go around having sex with a bunch of people to get over a relationship- that's their choice, but it certainly doesn't mean that it's the best choice or anything that you or I need to aspire to. I'd rather continue to work on myself, and be more mindful of the person I choose to get into a relationship with next time, so I am more carful not to hurt myself or the other person in the process. Link to post Share on other sites
JooLee Posted November 15, 2008 Share Posted November 15, 2008 my opinion, you're just missing the companionship. ya' know, of having some there. and why we obsess is we always want what we cant get AND of course it takes time to get used to not having the other person around. she'll get out of your head for sure, it just takes time. and i have to say that i totally respect that you hold on to your cultural values despite being in a "western world". salute. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelysoulja Posted November 16, 2008 Author Share Posted November 16, 2008 well, i think it's less about trying to retain cultural values than it is fear...... about missing her, yeah you might be right, i don't make friends easily and i don't allow a lot of people in. i've spent my life in self-imposed solitary confinement, and have only recently tried coming out of my shell... spending time her with awesome, because it felt like she accepted and understood me. losing her was like losing a best friend and realizing at the same time, that they never saw you as a best friend. i'm a complete mess right now, just barely functioning....with her i felt on the verge of overcoming some of things that had distressed me, like work and lacking focus... i go to work, but my performance has suffered...i already wanted a change before this, and now more than ever i have ADD when it comes to every aspect of my life now.......i can't even pay attention to the storyline of a sitcom, can't finish books, etc. the only things i do regularly are play ball and lift weights, and obsess over the past and my flaws. it shouldn't take this long to get over her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelysoulja Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 i am still not over this... a night after spending NYE's with a 6'1" long legged bombshell with the sweetest nature who definitely is into me...guess what's on my mind? the ex. i texted my ex: Happy New Years: I still remember you....and of course, no response. This is making me suicidal at times. I can't deal with being ignored/rejected like this. i'm crazy. Link to post Share on other sites
Joker77 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 i am still not over this... a night after spending NYE's with a 6'1" long legged bombshell with the sweetest nature who definitely is into me...guess what's on my mind? the ex. i texted my ex: Happy New Years: I still remember you....and of course, no response. This is making me suicidal at times. I can't deal with being ignored/rejected like this. i'm crazy. Bro enjoy what you have right now. If she's into you, what's the problem? Forget the ex. They are exes for a reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Dude Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 i am still not over this... a night after spending NYE's with a 6'1" long legged bombshell with the sweetest nature who definitely is into me...guess what's on my mind? the ex. i texted my ex: Happy New Years: I still remember you....and of course, no response. This is making me suicidal at times. I can't deal with being ignored/rejected like this. i'm crazy. Let it go. Don't initiate contact, there's nothing to gain. I'm very firm in my NC, yet my ex is the one who breaks it and sets me back. Be happy your ex doesn't wanna have anything to do with you, at least you can move on peacefully. Link to post Share on other sites
marlena Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 This is making me suicidal at times. I can't deal with being ignored/rejected like this. Please don't say this. Ignore and reject her as well and I guarantee that you will feel better. Why are you giving her this satisfaction? And why are you tormenting yourself so? My ex also texted me wishing me a Happy New Year and I had the courtesy to text back. She's very rude if you ask me. It doesn't hurt to wish someone a Happy New Year especially someone who has treated you so well. Come on! I saw your picture. With a face and body like that, you should be way more confident. Be good to yourself. You sound like quite a catch to me. Start off the New Year feeling happy, confident and hopeful and things will get better simply because you believe they will. M Link to post Share on other sites
steve9417 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 hi lonelysoulja - you sound stuck .... ask yourself why you need to do this ........ the answer will not be apparent immediately ....... its called a secondary gain ...... there's a reason why you don't want to move on from the sounds of things ...... you have to work that out for yourself on the OCD side of things you sound like your heads on auto pilot ...... ie ........ minding you're own business ....... suddenly your brain fires off a random "ex" thought ......... then the brain send off a "i miss her" thought ........ then that's automatically followed by "my life is rubbish without her" or "i'll never meet anyone like her again" etc thought ...... then after all this automatic thinking you surprise surprise feel rubbish ........ what i said above is really important - get to understand why you need a failed relationship back in your life ...... what does it stop you having to face up to ? at the same time learn to reframe the automatic thoughts ........... so when you think of ex and start to miss her you put in a pattern interrupt such as "i never loved her properly and i'm glad that we're not together as she was never accepting of me as a person ....... if we'd stayed together my life would have been very unfulfilling / unhappy" ........ these are my pattern interrupts ..... find your own - they have to mean something to you its going to take discipline and "awareness" to put a road block in your head on the above train of thoughts ....... if you want to get over her then you'll do this ....... however you may not be ready for that yet and want to use LS to talk about your "problem", to weep about how life is unfair and that this should have not happened to you - (which is fine by the way ...... you'll get there in your own time) ....... there again you could start working on the "solution" - to rebuild and realise that we're born to live as happy healthy individuals as for the suicidal thoughts be accepting that this was a major relationship for you, thus go easy yourself ........ one reason why you're thinking like that might be because you're not being honest with how your feeling .... maybe you need to cry or scream ........ its okay to do that - and they're more helpful in the long term than ending your own life PS - you're not alone and remember that most of the people who post here are in the same place as you .......... people often tell others what they most need to hear themselves Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelysoulja Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Bro enjoy what you have right now. If she's into you, what's the problem? Forget the ex. They are exes for a reason. Well, it didn't work out with the bombshell either. We had an amazing night over NYE but I could tell she was feeling guilty for hanging out with me. A few days after she confided in me that she was conflicted because she thought I was the kind of guy a girl could get into a serious relationship with and she wasn't ready for that right now, and she also couldn't deal with a "long distance" relationship. There was also another dude in the picture, who lived a lot closer...I kind of feel like I let this one slip by me but I don't feel that bad about it. She contacted me and I was very slow and cautious with her to the point where I probably confused her. The thing was, she was very beautiful (like jaw-dropping), extremely sweet, but a bit immature. So I had all these things in my head that prevented me from pursuing her aggressively. She had a stalker ex (who she just got out of a 3 year relationship with), wasn't very ambitious, had dropped out school (but was going back to community college this winter) and didn't have driver's license and lived 1 hr away... And I'm still missing the ex. I mean I was with this new girl when I texted her on New Year's. :S Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelysoulja Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Start off the New Year feeling happy, confident and hopeful and things will get better simply because you believe they will. M Thanks Marlena, I understand that's the sensible and positive approach, just having a hard time sticking to it. There's just a tremendous amount of guilt I am feeling about my time with my ex (that she felt neglected and that i was so oblivious to it) and my behavior afterwards (of trying to maintain a friendship, of contacting her when it's become clear that she doesn't want to hear from me) ... I actually called her after New Year's. I had not called her since she dumped me in March, but I just needed to get it off my chest that I understood the mistakes I made, that I was sincerely sorry, and that I wanted to let her know that I always cared about her. I wasn't digging for a response, I just feel like she hates me and I have this incessant need to make things right because she mattered to me.With that done, I'm trying to move on and do what I KNOW rationally is the right thing for me to do. As a person who has always kept his emotions to himself, this has been an incredibly difficult process. I never saw myself as a person who would be so overwhelmed over something like this. But hey, I suppose whatever doesn't break you makes you stronger. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lonelysoulja Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Hey Steve, That's some excellent advice. It's definitely going take some discipline and "awareness" on my part to get over this. A lot more than I ever thought. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
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