Sliknikk Posted September 4, 2003 Share Posted September 4, 2003 I am sure i am gonna get beat up pretty bad for this but truth of the matter is it just feels good to get it out. So if you have time read my story! But here goes: It all started 18 years ago when i met him, i wanted to date him but my friend said she wanted to be his girlfirend (they were friends who talked on a regular basis) but she was already dating his friend and his cousin. Long story short they didnt date til two years later but we had lost contact so i was unaware. We meet up again after graduation and she is pregnant, they have a baby and soon after another one, then she begged him to marry her and he did thinking it was the right thing to do. We lived our lives, involved with eachothers children even baptizing them. Last year, i was seperating from my husband and leaned on her for support and eventually me and my kids started staying at her house until my house sold and i could stand on my feet ( we came from out of the area) well after all the years i heard of her complaingin how he wasnt romantic, and he wasnt into her and never cuddled, no nice compliments etc.... i finally got to see his side. I formed my own opinion but he and i were becoming very close. Coming to realize how much we had in common and then he started to tell me all these feeling he had had over the years for me and never knew what to do about them and that with me splitting up with my husband he finally saw his chance. But i told him nothing would ever happened until all of our business was taken care of and if he didnt love her that way and didnt want to slavage things he needed to talk to her and work through it, believe it or not i stayed very biased. But yet i could also see some of his reasoning as well as hers. Needless to say his sparks were very apparent as much as tried to not notice or act like it anyway, she did, constantly telling me how happy he was since i was around, if i wasnt around he didnt want to come home, his face lit up when he saw me etc etc. The feeling was definitely getting mutual. After months and months of talking to him, it just seemed that we were eachothers soul mates although yes in fact we had belonged to other people. ( we both knew we were settling in our marriages and admit our mistakes) i filed for my divorce, he left her. She has just recently found out that we were seeing eachother ( they have been seperated for 6 months now) and of course the **** is now hitting the fan ( i never thought it was gonna be easy) nor do i excpect empathy from anyone. But when i do tell my friends they tell me how we were meant to be together, there was just no other way to explain it. How do i know that she didnt interfere with my fate years and years ago? She fully admits she knew he wasnt in love with her and stayed to do the right thing with the kids and that they were the only reason he was there. I read all the posts here how he is off limits, no trespassing, like he is a piece of porperty. No i dint intentionally fall for him nor did he, it evolved and sometimes i think things cant be helped. We respected her enough not to tlet things ever happen until he was gone is that so wrong???? Her and i had it out and believe me i took my pile of **** she handed me and ate it and still continue to do so. But here is what bothers me the KIDS!!!! He is a great father, loves his kids to death, spends as much time as possible with them. SHe was always jealous of the relationship i had with her kids becuase i was always deemed "the cool one" well she has done everything possible to sabbotage those relationships by making them her own personal shrinks. They hear everything that comes out of her mouth good, bad or indifferent And of course i am the one that took their dad from their mom but i didnt!!!!! He came to me with the way he felt about her. Please dont be too harsh, but i do welcome your opionins Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 4, 2003 Share Posted September 4, 2003 No yelling or fussing at you, just a word of advice: cool your heels until both your divorces are final, when you both are legally free of your spouses. It's morally right and just looks good all the way around. I can imagine your friend is pissed, and I would be, too, knowing that my best friend "stole" my man, even if the marriage never should have taken place to begin with. Something to do with divided loyalties ... Should you two decide to honestly give it a go, you're going to need to figure out how you are going to "defend" yourself from all accusations coming from her, and possibly her children. You could take the high road and explain that yes, it does look bad, and you understand why their mom is upset, and you don't hold that against her. You hold your tongue and don't say harsh things about her to the kids -- or anyone else. You don't say how old the kids are, but I think it's pretty much understood that kids have a wonderful built-in bullsh*t detector, and they're going to figure out how things really are, especially if their mom is prone to histronics in just about every situation. you ask, "How do I know that she didnt interfere with my fate years and years ago?" Answer: you don't know, and at this point in the game, that really shouldn't be of issue. What's important is how you present yourself and how his children see you (and how your kids see him). If you present your relationship as "something that was meant to be, our spouses/family be damned," people will resent you because they'll feel that you put your selfish interests first. Link to post Share on other sites
sliknikk Posted September 4, 2003 Share Posted September 4, 2003 Thanks for the advice, it was quite enlightening. I think i have a pretty good sense in which things should be handled for the kids sake. I have been really supportive with him about his kids as to how to repair the damage with him leaving has done and how to rebuild that bond of trust. I know they feel betrayed and lied to. They are 12,11,7. I know my kids didnt have to deal with those kinds of issues when i chose to leave their father and i get the occasional questions but they see their mom happy where as his kids see their mom sad and crying. So no matter what he does at this point he is the bad guy. Eventhough he sees them everday sometimes twice a day. I definitely think we will make a go of it, luckily for me i will be legally divorced in two weeks however she will probably try to prolong this, for that would make him available to marry another. She is now throwing low blows and i try not to engage in that, she is angry and had every right to be eventually it'll get easier how long?? I wish i knew!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 4, 2003 Share Posted September 4, 2003 to be honest, you're going to have to put up with this until the day she dies. Or you die. And if she manages to poison the minds of her kids about someone taking the man she didn't want ... look out. Best thing to do is to just take the high road. Like I said before, their sh*tdetectors will be working 24/7 and eventually they will have to come to a decision for themselves. If they see you being above-board, more than likely, they'll just ignore their mother's rantings because they know better. Link to post Share on other sites
sliknikk Posted September 5, 2003 Share Posted September 5, 2003 How long do you think they will need to get used to the fact that their dad is with me now??? I know you cant for sure say but justa guesstimate. I will sit with them eventually i am just wondering when its safe??? Link to post Share on other sites
quankanne Posted September 5, 2003 Share Posted September 5, 2003 teenagers hate EVERYBODY, though to drive their parents nuts they'll blow hot and cold for a while. Each situation is different, because of the personalities involved. wouldn't it be great to say that in X months, this person is going to come around? but I'd have to be psychic, and that I am not. though it'd be great for picking winning lottery numbers .... hang in there and hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. That way you're not upset with the final outcome. Link to post Share on other sites
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