Strange story: my 'girlfriend' has a 50yr-old fiancé...

[EndlessSecrets]

This is probably the strangest chapter of my life. Initially I thought I was being cheated on, but now I am starting to fear that there is something much more complex going on, perhaps even romantic scam, in any case – something totally unexplainable.

Or maybe I just got a bit paranoid and there might be a more simple explanation. Please help me understand. What I am sure about is that I don't want to close the chapter without knowing the truth, however painful it may be.

 

 

I apologize if the story I'm going to write is long, but the details are important to understand the context properly.

 

 

I am around 20 years old, and four years ago, on a study-abroad program, I met a girl (from my own country but a different city) with whom things clicked instantly. She was very infatuated with me, as some of our common acquaintances later informed me, and had kept talking about me to her friends even long time after our stay abroad. Right after the study-abroad program, we had some very romantic online chats occasionally, but then she disappeared...

 

 

...until early this summer, in June, when she started going online on instant messenger (MSN) more frequently. She attends a university in another country now and uses the internet more often to keep in touch with her old friends (especially Facebook). Our conversations evolved much differently than previously. We spoke about more mature things, deep, philosophical, practical – everything. And after a few weeks we confessed to each other our feelings and, both via chat and webcam, spoke and did things that are normally told only between a girl and a guy who are in a true relationship. This is the 6th month.

 

 

I am a very skeptical person, often asking my closer friends what they thought. They also read some of our conversations and all agreed that this is real, that I am truly lucky, and that she really likes me. I first started having slight doubts when I read her flirty attitude towards some guys on her Facebook profile/wall, but didn't worry about it (again, my friends re-assured me that this is absolutely normal, especially for her very extroverted personality).

 

 

She often also speaks about meeting again in person, and once made plans to come visit me, but then had some problems. And then there were some really suspicious things on her Facebook profile (I rarely use Facebook as it is unpopular in my country, and she knows it quite well) that increased my doubts. What striked me most is that, despite all the nice things she told me, it seemed as if she never mentioned me 'publicly' (e.g. on Facebook status or Wall messages to her friends).

Against my friends' advice, I secretly investigated a bit... I came to different conclusions, sometimes strayed on the wrong track, but after almost three weeks finally found out some facts.

 

 

This is what I discovered a week ago:

- when talking to her friends she speaks of a 45-50year old man who recurs in some of her Facebook photos as 'my man', and, as some of her university-mates said, this is her boyfriend...

- they are together since long time before I and her met again online this June...

- he visits her every 1-2 weeks and takes her to fancy places, casinos, gives her lots of money to go shopping, etc.

- a very important detail: some of my most romantic conversations with her (in which she spontaneously told me some of the most meaniningful things ever) often took place one day after this man visited her...

 

I accepted this and, after 2 days of a quite bad mood thought to myself that probably she prefers a rich, more mature man, than someone like me whom she didn't see since four years.

I tried to forget her and stay away from the internet for almost a week. But she started sending me romantic text messages to my mobile phone... So I went back online and again we spoke with an even intenser love language, and she keeps saying she misses me, and more...

 

 

Then I and some of my friends thought that she is probably with that man only because he is rich, but is cheating him and prefers me romantically, and that I should be happy about that.

We also exchanged more romantic text messages via mobile phone (she sent most). So I thought there might be some hope...

 

 

Until I went online again and checked her Facebook profile: Numerous new photos of her and that man together, with more and more clear indications that they are indeed in a relationship, probably even engaged. Photos of flower bouquets sent to her by him during class at school (before university, which means they are together since at least one year!)... Photos of them holding hands. Doesn't seem so unromantic after all...

 

 

So, I simply don't understand what's going on.

 

 

I am open-minded about everything. About age-gap relationships (my friends were actually quite disgusted when I told them...). About polygamy (perhaps she wants both him and me, and maybe other guys too,...). I am quite the opposite of what you would call a moralist.

But I just need to know what exactly is going on.

And most importantly, I want to understand her.

 

 

I can't confront her directly out of fear that it might ruin whatever already exists, or that she might not be honest. Or that she might actually be trying to set a trap. Maybe she's a con artist.

 

 

So far, I don't know. I am just confused.

 

 

Thank you for reading and for any suggestion you may have for me.

[2sure]

Since the pictures appear on her facebook profile which you and basically the public have access to...she isnt hiding anything from anyone , including you.

 

Why on earth don't you just ask her??

[EndlessSecrets]

She posted the more romantic pictures with that man only 2 days ago...

 

Still,...

1) she knows that I almost never check my own Facebook, so it might sound as if I'm putting my nose into her stuff if I tell her I looked at her Facebook pictures. Which is uncool.

2) I don't want to put too much pressure on her by asking.

[theBrokenMuse]

She posted the more romantic pictures with that man only 2 days ago...

 

Still,...

1) she knows that I almost never check my own Facebook, so it might sound as if I'm putting my nose into her stuff if I tell her I looked at her Facebook pictures. Which is uncool.

2) I don't want to put too much pressure on her by asking.

 

If you don't ask, you'll never know. Right now you are acting pretty apathetic about the whole situation which indicates that you probably already have a good idea what you are going to hear and just don't want to face it or deal with it.

[Magpies]

She posted the more romantic pictures with that man only 2 days ago...

 

Still,...

1) she knows that I almost never check my own Facebook, so it might sound as if I'm putting my nose into her stuff if I tell her I looked at her Facebook pictures. Which is uncool.

2) I don't want to put too much pressure on her by asking.

 

Wrong. Facebook is a site that updates only your friends what their most recent news is -- most recent comments, posts, pictures, etc. When you log on it shows everything without any digging. And if you're not friends with someone they can't access anything unless you change things to public, which most don't bother to do.

 

This means that she knows you and all of her friends can see everything. So just ask her. Don't feel bad asking. Just say, I was on Facebook the other night and notice all your new pictures. I'm wondering, is that your bf? How long have you been together? Just inquire without reacting .. when she fesses up, then tell her how you feel.

 

Good luck to you!

[norajane]

So, I simply don't understand what's going on.

 

You know what's going on. She has a bf, and she's playing with you on the side.

 

You just don't want to face the truth, which is why you won't talk to her about him.

[Island Girl]

I can't confront her directly out of fear that it might ruin whatever already exists, or that she might not be honest. Or that she might actually be trying to set a trap. Maybe she's a con artist.

 

If she is your girlfriend then you should have no problem asking her.

 

What do you fear? And why would it ruin what already exists? Communication is key in any relationship.

 

Trying to set a trap? A con artist? And what would she gain from setting this elaborate trap for you? From what you wrote she hasn't exactly been pushing the idea of seeing you right? You are totally reaching here.

 

Just ask her already or move on to a real girl.

[EndlessSecrets]

Well, I admit that my worst intuition is that, indeed, she has been playing around and stringing me along all this time. Still, I wonder why she would do it. Why she chose me as her "toy". Why she would waste so much time - and money - to carry on this story since 6 months...

 

Magpies, that's a good point as well. Perhaps she is trying to tell me something.

 

Island Girl. What do you mean with "move on to a real girl"? You are already negatively assuming that things won't work out for me with her. Thanks for bringing luck...

 

Sigh, I would like to face more positive facts though... or at least wait until they might get possibly better...

[sensetarget]

I had to make an account and post on this.

 

Oh man, you are getting played. Your looking for something that is not there, and from reading what you wrote, you decided that its over.

 

Now your looking for justification. I would say cut all contact completely, dont even call her out on this. Remember that FACTS>Words coming out of someones mouth. Dont let your emotions get to you, because you will crawl right back.

 

Ive heared of alot of scenarios like this happening in distance. I say cut your loses and go for a woman that respects you.

 

take the advice or do what you feel best.

[EndlessSecrets]

Could you at least tell me WHY and WHERE in my post it is apparent that she is playing me??

 

And nobody still told me WHY she is playing me...

[norajane]

Could you at least tell me WHY and WHERE in my post it is apparent that she is playing me??

 

And nobody still told me WHY she is playing me...

 

YOU think you're her bf, BUT she's actually seeing some other guy. Either she's playing you, or you're playing yourself.

And after a few weeks we confessed to each other our feelings and, both via chat and webcam, spoke and did things that are normally told only between a girl and a guy who are in a true relationship. This is the 6th month.

 

You haven't even seen her in person in 4 years, back when you were 16. And all this time you're imagining you're in a relationship with her, she's been seeing someone else, actually seeing him, spending time with him, having sex with him.

 

Are there no girls in your life you could like where you live and could actually see and touch and go out on dates with? Why so stuck on someone you haven't seen in 4 years?

[theBrokenMuse]

Could you at least tell me WHY and WHERE in my post it is apparent that she is playing me??

 

And nobody still told me WHY she is playing me...

 

You aren't unintelligent but you have ostrich syndrome. You desperately want people to give you some shred of hope that your gut instinct is wrong so that you can suppress what you already have an strong inclination as to what is really going on with this woman. I mean, she has such little respect and consideration for you. She just sees other people and doesn't hide it or actually bother to tell you about it. That tells me that she doesn't really care about how you would react to this if you were to find out. She obviously doesn't have a whole lot of integrity ether. Is that really the type of person that you want to be with involved with? Why get further entangled with this nonsense?

[YellowLioness]

Why all the fuss? Just go to a speed dating event in your area, or get out somehow. Have some fun, and get away from the computer.

 

 

Why waste your time on someone like that?

[EndlessSecrets]

For Jupiter's sake, I have made my own decisions regarding my objectives in life. No offense, but you really don't need to tell me what's best for me. If I wanted to go fishing and picking up other girls I would do it, but I have my reasons why I am not doing it.

 

Even if I decided to waste the rest of the time remaining in my life thinking only about this one specific girl that's my choice, ok? I didn't ask any advice or judgment on my choice, but ideas on the details.

 

I want to know... even if they are some ideas... opinions...

1) If she is playing, WHY is she playing me? Why would a person possibly enjoy doing disrespectful things like that to me?

2) What if she is simply undecided? Or polyamorous? There could be an infinite number of possibilities, right?

3) Even if she doesn't have integrity, or doesn't care... I simply want to know why? Why? Why?

[norajane]

Because there are some women who are narcissists and attention whores and they love how it feels to have a guy or two or three on the string. It's a fantastic ego boost. They love the attention and validation from having lost of men interested and buzzing around them.

 

There are guys like this, too.

[EndlessSecrets]

Thank you, norajane.

 

Assume that a person is narcissist and attention whore towards these 2 or 3 guys.

But apart from that has a pretty normal life and is a good person with her friends and family.

 

Is it possible for these 2 or 3 guys to "leave the string" and enter her normal life (e.g. become her friend etc.)?

[One Issue Idiot]

Okay, let's turn this around. She might like you, but you're not there. Unless you step up, talk to her and demand a decision, you'll always only be her toy. Also: a woman who uses facebook all the time usually assumes that other people know how to use it as well. If you don't confront her, she'll think that you accept it.

[EndlessSecrets]

Yeah, that's also possible, One Issue Idiot.

However, my second fear is that she might be putting those photos on facebook because she wants me to see them and confront her, so that she can "cut the strings" because she's fed up of having me as a toy...?

[One Issue Idiot]

And so? If that would be the case, then believe me your silence is even worse. She then has no respect for you anyway and probably thinks she can do whatever she wants with you.

[theBrokenMuse]

Yeah, that's also possible, One Issue Idiot.

However, my second fear is that she might be putting those photos on facebook because she wants me to see them and confront her, so that she can "cut the strings" because she's fed up of having me as a toy...?

 

and if she was doing that, then she's immature as all hell to boot. Are you saying you are comfortable being the toy on the side because it sounds that way from what you've posted above. Wouldn't you'd rather know one way or the other so if she is playing you, you can find someone who actually cares about you? The only way to do it is to take it head on and deal with the chips where they may fall. Sometimes we have to face scary possibilities for our own sanity.

[sensetarget]

fool just told us he doesn't want advice.

 

why help him? I cant see him more then one of those little clowns with a funny colored nose and bunch of makeup. Because this is just sad. Move on, find a woman that respects you.

 

Your saying, you can go pick up any chick you want and everything. Then go do it big man. GO play the field.

 

Your still hung on from memories from when you were young with her, but the sad truth is that people change, some change so much that its insane.

[norajane]

Thank you, norajane.

 

Assume that a person is narcissist and attention whore towards these 2 or 3 guys.

But apart from that has a pretty normal life and is a good person with her friends and family.

 

Is it possible for these 2 or 3 guys to "leave the string" and enter her normal life (e.g. become her friend etc.)?

 

No, actually it's not possible. Because narcissists are all about what YOU can do for THEM. Not what they can do for you. And friendship, real friendship, is a two-way street, not one-sided.

 

Narcissists have NOTHING to give anyone else because they keep it all for themselves and suck up more from everyone else.

[Island Girl]

Island Girl. What do you mean with "move on to a real girl"? You are already negatively assuming that things won't work out for me with her. Thanks for bringing luck...

 

Hey there -- wait a minute. In your original post you were contemplating her playing you for a fool at the very least or being a con artist.

 

And yes I am assuming you will have to move on since she is publicly declaring the older man as "her man" not you. That means she thinks of another romantically and although she probably likes the attention you give her, is not available for a relationship with you. She is posting her comments about him for everyone to see as well as pictures. What is the mystery again?

 

When I say real girl, I mean one who is front of you whom you can spend time with and cultivate a relationship with not just texts or e-mails back and forth.

[EndlessSecrets]

fool just told us he doesn't want advice.

 

why help him?

 

Move on, find a woman that respects you.

 

Your saying, you can go pick up any chick you want and everything. Then go do it big man. GO play the field.

 

Your still hung on from memories from when you were young with her, but the sad truth is that people change, some change so much that its insane.

 

I didn't say I don't want advice! I said I asked specific questions.

What happened here is that I asked something like "How to find gold on the moon?", and almost everyone started answering something like "Why waste time and effort going to the moon to look for gold when you can look for it here as well?"

 

If I ask such a direct question, I have already carefully considered all the alternatives, or might have other personal reasons why I want to search for gold on the moon, and not anywhere else.

 

I don't feel confident to talk about the personal reasons on a forum because it would be difficult for you to understand my exact context, my life history, my environment, the beliefs and lifestyles I have adopted as I have grown.

 

But all that doesn't matter, because regardless of the reasons, I need your creativity, your advice, your help, to answer the direct questions, because I am stuck with finding a solution to them.

 

Summing up: I know exactly why I am asking. But that's not the issue of this discussion. I just need more productive/innovative solutions for the direct questions.

 

If you have no idea at all on how to look for gold on the moon, I am sure that at least with some brainstorming effort you might be able to come up with something.

 

Thank you.

[EndlessSecrets]

To everyone

 

I went on speaking with her again, via text and webcam, and this time I showed the whole conversation transcripts and registrations to my friends whom I trust most (who are also more experienced than me in these issues... although they are like all of us).

 

They all agree, after having followed the dynamics of the conversation, and her face expressions, that she is sincere in what she tells me (or at least, that she is spontaneous, or that it's very unlikely that she's acting).

 

They might be wrong, but what they believe is that she probably feels trapped or unable to act due to the older man... or that she may be planning something. I explored the identity of this man and apparently he is married. This is what my friends ask:

Why would she publicly put photos of a married man who is having a secret affair with her?

Wouldn't that possibly jeopardize the affair? The man?

 

My friends also noticed that whatever attention I give her, she reciprocates it. My friends think, from what she writes, that think she cares for me (also because she is helping me with one of my university projects).

 

Their final conclusion is that she is in a difficult/confused situation, probably seduced by the promises of the older, married man (who has been sending her flowers since she was in high school), but is romantically searching for more... perhaps me.

 

Anyway... I will try to break the silence. If that's the only solution.