skinman Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 Well everyone, some have read my posts about my sudden separation a few weeks back. Well on monday i got the email telling me to move on and there was no chance of marriage surviving and to leave her alone that she didnt want a relationship with me at all. Well in the past few days she has called 5 times discussing our girls stuff that wasn't necessary to call about. Well today she emailed me telling me she bought me a pots and pan set for my house. I thanked her and said i would stop bye. Well she wrote back saying she felt bad because she had almost all the furniture and household stuff.. and if i wanted any of it i was more than welcome.. I told her i was fine and would survive with what I had.. she responded back a few times and now it has totally screwed me up today. Here I was doing good with not calling and emailing or any contact and now this.. I am so confused as to her motives ?? is she having second thoughts ? is she playing with my head ? i just dont know... any opinions would be appreciated... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 It's partially ego related and human nature. When one backs off, the other comes chasing and looking..She also probably secretly enjoys that you were calling her and she had control - Telling you to back off, and now that you have, she's noticed it and felt it which is why she's been contacting you alot, even though it's about the kids and minor things. Keep doing what you're doing and IF she brings it up, why you're distant and/or not chatty with her, all you have to say is, "I'm moving on with my life, infact I have a meeting with a lawyer to get the D process going." By saying that it will show that YOU are in control of yourself, not her just calling the shots. Who knows what her motives are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 It's partially ego related and human nature. When one backs off, the other comes chasing and looking..She also probably secretly enjoys that you were calling her and she had control - Telling you to back off, and now that you have, she's noticed it and felt it which is why she's been contacting you alot, even though it's about the kids and minor things. Keep doing what you're doing and IF she brings it up, why you're distant and/or not chatty with her, all you have to say is, "I'm moving on with my life, infact I have a meeting with a lawyer to get the D process going." By saying that it will show that YOU are in control of yourself, not her just calling the shots. Who knows what her motives are. Thanks whichwayisup, I Will do just that. It hasn't been as hard this week as last week. the email saying to move on kinda woke me up and got me thinking it is time to "move on" and make myself happy. skin Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 This doesn't mean go out, find a woman and start dating, but you having a better week, accepting things as they are IS a good sign, for you. Forget about her - What she thinks or feels. Focus on you, your kids and take it one day at a time. Call some guy buddy's, shoot pool, or go to a hockey game.. Visit family, find hobby's (gym or something to work off any stress and anger that's inside of you), and ofcourse keep posting here. This isn't an easy ride you're on now, but if you can stay in control of yourself, not let her have ANY power over you, it'll be easier for you in the long run. Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 Hey Skinman, I was on the other forum, "Separation/Divorce", please read the thread if you haven't already by SingleDad, "How to start from scratch after 12month separation", it has some pretty good insights and it is well documented. It is kind of long, but just follow the thread and opinions on there to better help you relate to your situation. Hey, as they say, knowledge is power. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 This doesn't mean go out, find a woman and start dating. thanks that is the last thing on my mind at this point.. I appreciate your ideas Whichwayisup. I see by your postcount that you have been here a while so any advice from someone like you must not be all that bad. She has had all the pwoer since I left i did all the classic No no's such as begging and pleading which made the situation worse. now that I am starting to accept it for what it is things have been easier and I have had good days. Last week I didn't have one good day so I know things are looking up.. thanks again..... Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 skinman, my x did the same thing to me. when I stopped calling would call me for something stupid or whatever and would mess my head up bad. didn't change anything and he went on to get married like 6months after we split and had a baby within the same year. don't let it fool you. listen to WWIU...always. haha. you will get through this. it's hard as h*ll and sooooooooo tough in the beginning. everyday it gets better and easier - even when it seems like you want to crawl in a hole and die...don't, keep pluggin away. I am a year out and while it's been the most challenging year of my life it's also been a year of learning a lot about myself. today I am much better than I was last year - althought not 100%. I used to think of my x 24/7 and now it's at least once a day but not as frequent and I barely if ever go on his myspace whcih was a constant thing for me. you need to focus on you and as hard as it is to do...let your x go. there is nothing you can do or say to change what is going to happen. what's meant to be will always find a way. take care of YOU! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 This doesn't mean go out, find a woman and start dating. thanks that is the last thing on my mind at this point.. I appreciate your ideas Whichwayisup. I see by your postcount that you have been here a while so any advice from someone like you must not be all that bad. She has had all the pwoer since I left i did all the classic No no's such as begging and pleading which made the situation worse. now that I am starting to accept it for what it is things have been easier and I have had good days. Last week I didn't have one good day so I know things are looking up.. thanks again..... See... you can get good advise on LS.. Oh by the way..... If you stay withing one thread.... you will get a lot more answers.... folks can better follow your situation... Just my opinion ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 confused9 , Srv and Ilmw, I appreciate all of your advice I will keep plugging away the best way I can at this point and take it minute by minute. Its still so new being alone again after close to 16 years. I used to enjoy my alone time. Now my alone time brings thoughts which are my greatest demons. Skin. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 it's going to be so weird for a while. everythign will remind you of her in some way. you'll be food shopping and see people and want to punch them because they look happy and in love and are with someoen and you are alone but it will get better and you will start to enjoy being alone. this may take a long time...but it does happen. it's sooooo damn hard and was seriously the hardest time in my life. my x was a complete @sshole to me and I was sooooooooooooo confused. he just up and left, literally there were no warnings (still to this day I don't see any) it just happened. he cheated, left, got married, had a baby and is now living happily ever after (or so he says.) that really mattered to me...his life, how he was doing, why he was hapy without me, etc. now, i realized it's not about him...it's about me. i was so focused on him and wanting to be the 'one that got away' i didin't think it were fair that he could be happy while i was so miserable but you know what...life isn't fair. my life is not perfect. i am not in a relationship yet and I work two jobs becasue he left me with a ton of debt but i got a promotion, i laugh more, i am having fun again, making friends, etc. my life isn't exactly where I want it to be but i realize now that i would have been settling if i had married him. I am GLAD i didn't marry him. It's still hurts like sh*t that he left the way he did and loves someone else but it hurts so much less. i still sometimes hope he's miserable without me, but it's not my main focus and part of me kind of thanks him now. I would have NEVER said this this time last year and never thought the words would come out of my mouth. i was suppossed to marry him about a month ago and i am SO glad i didn't. sure it was a hard day and i did cry a little but i had a girls weekend and had a blast. things will get better but no one will be able to make it that way but you. as hard as it is and scary as it is...start living. i know you want to hold on and make everything she says in to something huge and some sort of misguided sign that she wants to be wtih you and it may be the case...who knows but for now you aren't together and you need to start living that way. if she comes back...good for you, but if not...you need to realize you will be okay. the world is your oyster, my friend! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 13, 2008 Author Share Posted November 13, 2008 it's going to be so weird for a while. everythign will remind you of her in some way. you'll be food shopping and see people and want to punch them because they look happy and in love and are with someoen and you are alone but it will get better and you will start to enjoy being alone. this may take a long time...but it does happen. it's sooooo damn hard and was seriously the hardest time in my life. my x was a complete @sshole to me and I was sooooooooooooo confused. he just up and left, literally there were no warnings (still to this day I don't see any) it just happened. he cheated, left, got married, had a baby and is now living happily ever after (or so he says.) that really mattered to me...his life, how he was doing, why he was hapy without me, etc. now, i realized it's not about him...it's about me. i was so focused on him and wanting to be the 'one that got away' i didin't think it were fair that he could be happy while i was so miserable but you know what...life isn't fair. my life is not perfect. i am not in a relationship yet and I work two jobs becasue he left me with a ton of debt but i got a promotion, i laugh more, i am having fun again, making friends, etc. my life isn't exactly where I want it to be but i realize now that i would have been settling if i had married him. I am GLAD i didn't marry him. It's still hurts like sh*t that he left the way he did and loves someone else but it hurts so much less. i still sometimes hope he's miserable without me, but it's not my main focus and part of me kind of thanks him now. I would have NEVER said this this time last year and never thought the words would come out of my mouth. i was suppossed to marry him about a month ago and i am SO glad i didn't. sure it was a hard day and i did cry a little but i had a girls weekend and had a blast. things will get better but no one will be able to make it that way but you. as hard as it is and scary as it is...start living. i know you want to hold on and make everything she says in to something huge and some sort of misguided sign that she wants to be wtih you and it may be the case...who knows but for now you aren't together and you need to start living that way. if she comes back...good for you, but if not...you need to realize you will be okay. the world is your oyster, my friend! Thank you very much Confused9 I will take yours and everyone else's advice who has been so kind to respond.. one day at a time my friends !! Skin Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 Hang in there. some minutes are easier than others....but in the end...you have control of your own happiness...your own destiny. Link to post Share on other sites
dead-dyke Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 it's going to be so weird for a while. everythign will remind you of her in some way. you'll be food shopping and see people and want to punch them because they look happy and in love and are with someone /quote] That's hilarious! Link to post Share on other sites
alphamale Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 is she having second thoughts ? no is she playing with my head ? .. yes, but she doesn't realize it Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 No.. I don't think she's playing with your head or having second thoughts.. When I left my first ex.. I was a bit like her.. I felt terribly guilty.. he was extremely depressed.. I thought I was doing him a favour by still looking after him and my son.. but I wasn't.. So maybe you should tell her that it would be better for YOU that she leaves you alone... Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted November 13, 2008 Share Posted November 13, 2008 No.. I don't think she's playing with your head or having second thoughts.. When I left my first ex.. I was a bit like her.. I felt terribly guilty.. he was extremely depressed.. I thought I was doing him a favour by still looking after him and my son.. but I wasn't.. So maybe you should tell her that it would be better for YOU that she leaves you alone... I don't always agree with Lizzie - but I think she has a point. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 it's going to be so weird for a while. everythign will remind you of her in some way. you'll be food shopping and see people and want to punch them because they look happy and in love and are with someone /quote] That's hilarious! Yeah I chuckled at that one too! Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 it's going to be so weird for a while. everythign will remind you of her in some way. you'll be food shopping and see people and want to punch them because they look happy and in love and are with someone /quote] That's hilarious! hhaahaha why thank you. that's how I felt (feel) sometimes. Drive by 'fruiting' on aisle 10 Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 hhaahaha why thank you. that's how I felt (feel) sometimes. Drive by 'fruiting' on aisle 10 And the hits just keep on coming! :lmao::lmao::lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 14, 2008 Author Share Posted November 14, 2008 Thank you all for your responses, I saw her again last night when I stopped by and saw my daughter. I tell you all it was hard. all I wanted to do was grab ahold and hug her its been so long since I have hugged her, I wanted to hear her voice the way she used to say "honey" I can still hear it in my head now, and the way her hair smelled she always smelled so good. There are so many things that I miss and want again. Just when I thought I was doing better I have regressed back into the first few days of separation. I cant help thinking "is there someone else sleeping in MY bed" when she leaves for work is she really working ?.. so many thoughts that I cant get out of my head that are driving me further in despair. It was hard getting up this morning after lying awake most of the night. Even booze hasnt helped exercise her spirit away from me.. Its getting harder each day to function and work is suffering... I prey for strength but so far I have none, I prey for forgiveness but it hasnt come, I prey that each day will be better than the previous... So far they havent been........ Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 Thank you all for your responses, I saw her again last night when I stopped by and saw my daughter. I tell you all it was hard. all I wanted to do was grab ahold and hug her its been so long since I have hugged her, I wanted to hear her voice the way she used to say "honey" I can still hear it in my head now, and the way her hair smelled she always smelled so good. There are so many things that I miss and want again. Just when I thought I was doing better I have regressed back into the first few days of separation. I cant help thinking "is there someone else sleeping in MY bed" when she leaves for work is she really working ?.. so many thoughts that I cant get out of my head that are driving me further in despair. It was hard getting up this morning after lying awake most of the night. Even booze hasnt helped exercise her spirit away from me.. Its getting harder each day to function and work is suffering... I prey for strength but so far I have none, I prey for forgiveness but it hasnt come, I prey that each day will be better than the previous... So far they havent been........ I remember those thoughts and they suck. Let me know if I can help you out in any way. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 It will get better. You need to give yourself a break though. It's not going to just happen overnight. There is time you are going to need to put in to question, discover and find out about yourself and what went wrong. Use this time to figure out who you are and what you want out of life. Try not to focus on her so much. I know that's hard but it's true. It's your life you need to make of it what you want. Try and keep yourself busy, start exploring new hobbies, etc. This is a time of self discovery. Wallowing in pity is not going to help although, that is what most of us do at this time. I am not goign to tell you it's going to be easy because it's not. Right now is goign to be one of the hardest experiences of your life...but you will get through it and come out on top...if that's what you chose. If you let this break you...it will. I will say this 100000000 times over...the focus is NOT on her and where she is going and what or who she may be doing...it's on you. Stop focusing on her...as hard as it is...stop. When you feel your thoughts drifting STOP them. It will make a world a difference. I promise. WE are all here for you. Keep posting. Write out your feelings. Write her a letter but DON'T send it...ever. You can do this...you are strong. Life is not over without her...it's only just begun...but you need to make it what you want....you control your happiness. Take care of yourself. Some days are harder than others....This too shall pass. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 And the hits just keep on coming! :lmao::lmao::lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 Thank you all for your responses, I saw her again last night when I stopped by and saw my daughter. I tell you all it was hard. all I wanted to do was grab ahold and hug her its been so long since I have hugged her, I wanted to hear her voice the way she used to say "honey" I can still hear it in my head now, and the way her hair smelled she always smelled so good. There are so many things that I miss and want again. Just when I thought I was doing better I have regressed back into the first few days of separation. I cant help thinking "is there someone else sleeping in MY bed" when she leaves for work is she really working ?.. so many thoughts that I cant get out of my head that are driving me further in despair. It was hard getting up this morning after lying awake most of the night. Even booze hasnt helped exercise her spirit away from me.. Its getting harder each day to function and work is suffering...date I prey for strength but so far I have none, I prey for forgiveness but it hasnt come, I prey that each day will be better than the previous... So far they havent been........ Damn! I don't miss that I thought the men in white coats we're going to have to take me away! My X didn't much before we were married, but DAMN if she didn't make up for it afterwards! I can laugh about it now, but damn it took years! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 14, 2008 Author Share Posted November 14, 2008 I will say this 100000000 times over...the focus is NOT on her and where she is going and what or who she may be doing...it's on you. Stop focusing on her...as hard as it is...stop. When you feel your thoughts drifting STOP them. It will make a world a difference. I promise. Take care of yourself. Some days are harder than others....This too shall pass. this seems to be the hardest part of my day. trying not to think of her. So many little insignificant things remind me of us, all my clothes were picked out with her help. I know it will get better but knowing how she could do this to our family and not show the least bit of sorrow or hurt tears me up. Someone whom I thought I really knew and loved, I would have given anything for this woman and look what she has done. I try and contain my bitterness for my girls sake but with each passing thought it gets harder to do.. That and seeing all of my dreams die along with my family is hard to swallow thank you all for the support and good wishes.. Today will be rough but tomorrow may not be....... Link to post Share on other sites
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