Author skinman Posted November 19, 2008 Author Share Posted November 19, 2008 [quote=Confused9;1927259 I know that this experience will help me in the future and I hope that I get to fall in love again. I am only 27...so I really really hope I still get that chance to fall in love and get married and maybe have kids...I can't let what he did ruin my chances...but I am the only one who can stop that. Vent all you want...that's what we are here for i know in my heart that you will find somone that adores you and makes you their world.... only knowing you from your posts and replies I can see that you are special...... It will only take a matter of time for someone else to see that... have faith you will love again and be so much better when the time comes.. I thank you for your good wishes.. i was pretty bummed out and just wanted to write and show my appreciation to you and the kind people on here... so from my heart I thank you..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 19, 2008 Author Share Posted November 19, 2008 I wish you a much speedier recovery than me. May you find peace tomorrow!!! Thank you, but we both know that the tomorrow you speak of is a long ways off.. I would be happy getting through one day with my emotions failing me.. or having a thought of her.. The sad thing is I only have family pictures at work.. I have them all turned over so I can get through the day without seeing her face. It makes it so much harder when i cant even look at my girls because she is next to them.. I was given a digital picture frame for Fathers Day one that holds hundred or so photo's.. i havent turned that on since tis happend.. to many memories.... Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 MAke them about how happy you were then and how happy you can be one day. Use it to gain strenght and realize this is only a small hurdle to overcome! You will get there. I know how hopeless you feel...but you will get there:) Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 19, 2008 Author Share Posted November 19, 2008 MAke them about how happy you were then and how happy you can be one day. Use it to gain strenght and realize this is only a small hurdle to overcome! You will get there. I know how hopeless you feel...but you will get there:) wow... I used to think I was pretty smart about things but that has never crossed my mind..... Thanks you confused9 i have missed seeing them... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 19, 2008 Author Share Posted November 19, 2008 Today has been a struggle for me.. It was this day 16 years ago that me and my STBXW moved in together. It was so exciting having a place all of our own and not having to share it with roommates it was an enjoyable time in my life... Well look where I am at today not in the best places emotionally or physically for that matter. It has been 2 days since I last heard from the wife.. thoughts that I have tried to keep away have found a place in my mind.. wondering what I will find out next ?? is there someone else ? was that the reason she suddenly wanted to end our marriage I dont know. I cannot push these thoughts away any longer.. But do I really want to know the answer ? I dont think in my state of mind that I could handle the answer. I want to believe that she just fell out of love and wasnt sure what she wanted..... its these thought that I cant put away for good haunting me while I sleep, while I work , wondering who might be at my house this very moment. I know you all have said to not focus my energy on such thoughts but I am struggling to supress them as they come. I have tried to stay busy for the most part but they find me no matter what I am doing they find me....... I have tried thinking of this evening my daughter will be coming by for dinner... I will make them something knowing all along that I will be judged by how well it goes. They will share with their mom everything that goes on and how I seem to be doing... I prey that I have the strength to show them that I will be ok and im doing ok....... But we know different I am not doing ok... I am slowly losing whatever strength I have gained from this, counseling isn't even helping I have been reading books on relationships seeing all along where I could have done better what I should have done and knowing that makes it much harder to deal with...... I have tried to forgive myself for doing what I thought to be right but that hasn't been easy......... I am so lonely and miserable words cant express........... prey for strength for me...... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 One important thing to keep in mind - this is about what SHE did, not what you did (or did not) do. She has brainwashed you wish revisionist history and rationalizations. All marriages have issues - she had an obligation to work on those with you rather than leave suddenly. It's about HER, not about you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 19, 2008 Author Share Posted November 19, 2008 One important thing to keep in mind - this is about what SHE did, not what you did (or did not) do. She has brainwashed you wish revisionist history and rationalizations. All marriages have issues - she had an obligation to work on those with you rather than leave suddenly. It's about HER, not about you. I guess your right but I dont want to be bitter. I want the thoughts and feeling to go away. I have realized that I had many shortcummings in the marriage and so did she.. I didnt choose to bail though I wanted to try and work it out.. Its so hard to just keep the random thoughts away and after reading more books this past month than I have in years I know I was partially to blame..... Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 It has been 2 days since I last heard from the wife.. thoughts that I have tried to keep away have found a place in my mind.. wondering what I will find out next ?? is there someone else ? was that the reason she suddenly wanted to end our marriage I dont know. I cannot push these thoughts away any longer.. But do I really want to know the answer ? The truth is you will never have an answer. Your mind is trying to compute an answer from bad data or no data. In fact your 'wife' deosnt't have a real answer, it's all just because. It'll take a while for your mind to stop running around those circles but it eventually will. I know where you are, just keep moving, just keep going, fake it till you make it. You may not be feeling okay right now, or today, or even for a while but you will be. There are some great articles on another site that helped me a lot. http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/overload.html http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/addiction.htm http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/leavor.html Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 19, 2008 Author Share Posted November 19, 2008 The truth is you will never have an answer. Your mind is trying to compute an answer from bad data or no data. In fact your 'wife' deosnt't have a real answer, it's all just because. It'll take a while for your mind to stop running around those circles but it eventually will. I know where you are, just keep moving, just keep going, fake it till you make it. You may not be feeling okay right now, or today, or even for a while but you will be. There are some great articles on another site that helped me a lot. http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/overload.html http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/addiction.htm http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/leavor.html thanks Sumdude... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 after reading more books this past month than I have in years I know I was partially to blame..... You surely had a role in the issues in your marriage - as is true of 100% of spouses. She had 100% of the responsibility for the divorce, however, because she clearly did not communicate with you and would not work this out with you. If you abused her or abandoned her or refused to work on the marriage or had addiction problems or refused to work to support your family that would be one thing. But if she just left as a sudden surprise without working on things, then that is 100% her fault - not yours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 19, 2008 Author Share Posted November 19, 2008 The truth is you will never have an answer. Your mind is trying to compute an answer from bad data or no data. In fact your 'wife' deosnt't have a real answer, it's all just because. It'll take a while for your mind to stop running around those circles but it eventually will. I know where you are, just keep moving, just keep going, fake it till you make it. You may not be feeling okay right now, or today, or even for a while but you will be. There are some great articles on another site that helped me a lot. http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/overload.html http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/addiction.htm http://www.divorcerecovery101.com/leavor.html Wow.. that article on the Leavor hit home big time.... I can see so much of my wifes actions in that .. thank you Sumdude for opening my eyes a little more... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 19, 2008 Author Share Posted November 19, 2008 You surely had a role in the issues in your marriage - as is true of 100% of spouses. She had 100% of the responsibility for the divorce, however, because she clearly did not communicate with you and would not work this out with you. If you abused her or abandoned her or refused to work on the marriage or had addiction problems or refused to work to support your family that would be one thing. But if she just left as a sudden surprise without working on things, then that is 100% her fault - not yours. I did everything I was supposed to except maybe really listening to her.. Other than that I tried to save my marriage and family... her being at fault for not trying still doesn't make it any easier..... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Blame does nothing but create more anger and pain. That's simply deflection from what the issue should be. Your happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 20, 2008 Author Share Posted November 20, 2008 Thanks Trustinyourself, you are so correct I have been obsessing on her and her actions... it is time I think only of me and my daughters...... To H**L with her... My happiness is all that matters..... Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 There are consequences to all decisions that we make in this life. It is time to show your stbx the sharp edge that comes with her decisions for there is always 2 sides to the sword. I understand that you are bedeviled by mind-movies and other contemplations but, until they bear fruit, they are nor more and no less than demons of the mind! Let your strength lie in your conviction to be the best man you can be, the best father that you can be, and the best friend you can be to make her play her cards against the hand you're dealt. Time and age brings wisdom to us all so let the power of insight be your grace to pre-empt her cold arrogance for pride shall always goeth before the fall! Note: Please change your word of prey to pray for the construct of the former makes me uncomfortable to provide guidance in the context of the situation you've asked import for! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 20, 2008 Author Share Posted November 20, 2008 There are consequences to all decisions that we make in this life. It is time to show your stbx the sharp edge that comes with her decisions for there is always 2 sides to the sword. I understand that you are bedeviled by mind-movies and other contemplations but, until they bear fruit, they are nor more and no less than demons of the mind! Let your strength lie in your conviction to be the best man you can be, the best father that you can be, and the best friend you can be to make her play her cards against the hand you're dealt. Time and age brings wisdom to us all so let the power of insight be your grace to pre-empt her cold arrogance for pride shall always goeth before the fall! Note: Please change your word of prey to pray for the construct of the former makes me uncomfortable to provide guidance in the context of the situation you've asked import for! Thank you pelicanpreacher, that was well said and appreciated. It is time to focus on me and my girls and let her go to do what she pleases it is out of my control now.. skin Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 How are you holding up? Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 21, 2008 Author Share Posted November 21, 2008 How are you holding up? Thanks for asking TIY, I have had a decent day today. Everytime a thought of my wife would come into my mind I tried my best to push it out and think of something else. for the most part i was successful. Then again she emailed a couple times and that got the anxiety going as soon as i saw her name. I think she might be seeing that I am moving forward liked she asked me to.It just might be bothering her... I am thinking of telling her tomorow in another email that how can i leave her alone if she keep contacting me... I asked her to sign some papers for me... well that didnt go over well at all.. She accused me of all sorts of things and I ended up having to call her and calm her down. To be honest It didn't bother as much as I expected it would to talk with her.. I feel I am getting closer to the "Good place" I have been searching for..... granted it was only one day..... but there is hope for another good day tomorrow.. thanks again Trustinyourself..... best wishes my Friend !! Skin Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 21, 2008 Author Share Posted November 21, 2008 Yesterday was so promising.... thinking maybe I had turned the corner a little but but now its today...... tomorrow will be I month since I moved out... Knowing That I only have 11 months left to try and save my marriage and family... this weekend is going to be a tough one... with the holidays coming up...... being alone for the first time in nearly 20 years will be hard on me...... hope I can find something other than a drink to keep me occupied....... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 Yesterday was so promising.... thinking maybe I had turned the corner a little but but now its today...... tomorrow will be I month since I moved out... Knowing That I only have 11 months left to try and save my marriage and family... this weekend is going to be a tough one... with the holidays coming up...... being alone for the first time in nearly 20 years will be hard on me...... hope I can find something other than a drink to keep me occupied....... Well, it's a rollercoaster of emotions, no doubt about that. The highs and lows get less high and less low as time passes. Call up some friends and family and do something outside the box. The holidays can be harsh if you just languish in agony. Force yourself to reconnect and rebuild. Best wishes bud! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 21, 2008 Author Share Posted November 21, 2008 Thanks TIY, you always have sound advice and its appreciated... I have tried to remain positive but there are times when its tough... yesterday was such a good day... Man I was hoping that I had turned a corner... well I was up most of the night thinking about her.... those Demon thoughts of what she might be doing... Who she might be doing all self defeating but still hard to push away.. Thanks for the good wishes buddy...... best wishes to you.... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 Thanks TIY, you always have sound advice and its appreciated... I have tried to remain positive but there are times when its tough... yesterday was such a good day... Man I was hoping that I had turned a corner... well I was up most of the night thinking about her.... those Demon thoughts of what she might be doing... Who she might be doing all self defeating but still hard to push away.. Thanks for the good wishes buddy...... best wishes to you.... I remember those long evenings and early mornings. I remember a lot of exercising and reading. Haha, you'd be surprised how keeping busy can be so helpful to sanity. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 21, 2008 Author Share Posted November 21, 2008 I remember those long evenings and early mornings. I remember a lot of exercising and reading. Haha, you'd be surprised how keeping busy can be so helpful to sanity. well I have been trying ...some days dont feel like doing much..but I make myself... I'm thinking of getting a bicycle or something to keep me outdoors... but its pretty cold this time of year... and my sanity cant take anymore beatings.... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 Then again she emailed a couple times and that got the anxiety going as soon as i saw her name. What is she emailing you about? The kids or other stuff? If it's about the kids, email her back, but if it's personal, don't reply back. Get an exercise machine for inside, one of those stationary bikes. Or, join a gym to help work off stress and anxiety. Physical activity will help relieve all those pent up feelings inside of you. You're doing great, so just take things one day at a time. There's no rush to get over her! Stuff like this takes time and since she was the one who walked out on you and the marriage, it's going to take a while to deal with that loss, and all the changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted November 21, 2008 Share Posted November 21, 2008 This is all about ups and downs one day, one hour, even one minute you feel this relief and you think OK, I just I'm going to be okay, then BAM the saddness, hopelessness, loneliness hits you like a ton of bricks. It comes in waves but soon enough the tidal waves will lesson and they will be easier to 'surf through'. Your doing great, Skin. The holiday's are going to be tough, but you'll get through them. Have you decided if you would be spending it with her as she asked a few days ago or no? I think you should do what's best for YOU, but keep in mind being alone won't be the best decision either. It's hard to imagine having a holiday where you are 'single' and it's hard to see that this is only temporary but it is and one day you will feel a whole lot better, regardless of how this turns out. Just keep positive like you are...you're on the right track! Link to post Share on other sites
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