She asked for space and I gave it to her

[skinman]

Dreams and more dreams... each night they seem to come to me and make my sleep restless.. last night was another long night.. I had 2 dreams again this time they seemed so real.. we were all so happy and together in the first one it makes this all seem so much harder to deal with knowing that is all I have left now is these dreams.... The second one shook me bad.. I found her with another and it hurt so much even though I know it was a dream it really bothered me and had my emotions all out of whack... lying in bed alone staring into the darkness crying.. feeling sorry for myself and wondering how I let myself get into this situation... her so carefree not feeling anything that I am feeling makes it that much harder...

 

The look on my girls faces when I drop them off hurts so much... its easier now than with my first marriage my daughter was much younger... she would cry saying "daddy" "daddy" dont leave... It used to break my heart and now I have to go through it all again... When will it get easier...

[PWSX3]

Dreams and more dreams... each night they seem to come to me and make my sleep restless.. last night was another long night.. I had 2 dreams again this time they seemed so real.. we were all so happy and together in the first one it makes this all seem so much harder to deal with knowing that is all I have left now is these dreams.... The second one shook me bad.. I found her with another and it hurt so much even though I know it was a dream it really bothered me and had my emotions all out of whack... lying in bed alone staring into the darkness crying.. feeling sorry for myself and wondering how I let myself get into this situation... her so carefree not feeling anything that I am feeling makes it that much harder...

I was also having dreams so I asked my counselor about it. He suggested they could be just a way my body is grieving, getting rid of emotions.

 

Some were good, some were weird but none were the same. Now my counselor said; if I kept having the same one over & over, then that would be something different.

[skinman]

Thanks PWSX3,

 

the dreams have been more frequent lately for some reason and they seem so vivid.... Its almost as if I am there living them and the awakened suddenly realizing that it was only a dream.... I haven't been able to get thoughts of her out of my head these past few days... they stay longer and are more intense that they have been... It hurts so bad thinking about them and realizing that now matter what I do or think she is not coming home.... I want my family back, I want my wife back and my life that I knew.. I feel as if I am living someones else's life now not mine....

 

Its like one bad dream after another each passing day.... the stronger she gets the weaker I become.......

[sumdude]

Thanks PWSX3,

 

the dreams have been more frequent lately for some reason and they seem so vivid.... Its almost as if I am there living them and the awakened suddenly realizing that it was only a dream.... I haven't been able to get thoughts of her out of my head these past few days... they stay longer and are more intense that they have been... It hurts so bad thinking about them and realizing that now matter what I do or think she is not coming home.... I want my family back, I want my wife back and my life that I knew.. I feel as if I am living someones else's life now not mine....

 

Its like one bad dream after another each passing day.... the stronger she gets the weaker I become.......

 

Oh yeah... I remember those ..wake up in a cold sweat she just removed my heart with a pickaxe dreams.. ouch.. They will pass. At some point you will have to find some righteous indignation about all this. I mean you are Po'd right? Don't take it out on anyone but allow yourself to express some anger. It can be helpful in finding your strength. It sure beats wallowing .. when you're ready.

 

Me? I warned my house mate that I would have a case of tourettes syndrome for a while. LOL did I come up with some creative expletives for my stbx during that couple of weeks..

[skinman]

Oh yeah... I remember those ..wake up in a cold sweat she just removed my heart with a pickaxe dreams.. ouch.. They will pass. At some point you will have to find some righteous indignation about all this. I mean you are Po'd right? Don't take it out on anyone but allow yourself to express some anger. It can be helpful in finding your strength. It sure beats wallowing .. when you're ready.

 

Me? I warned my house mate that I would have a case of tourettes syndrome for a while. LOL did I come up with some creative expletives for my stbx during that couple of weeks..

 

the things is Sumdude,

 

I am not really angry... I guess more hurt than angry even after all the nasty things she has sadi to me I still cannot feel anger towards her.. I am sure it will come but at this point in time I miss her.. still holding out hope that maybe ... just maybe she will come to her senses..... I have tried getting angry and have a few times but I didnt like myself being that way.. Anger and bitterness is one thing that got me to this point in my life and after looking at myself I dont want to go back to being that way...

 

I know it will come in time... but I will not rush it just for the sake of being p'od.......

[sumdude]

the things is Sumdude,

 

I am not really angry... I guess more hurt than angry even after all the nasty things she has sadi to me I still cannot feel anger towards her.. I am sure it will come but at this point in time I miss her.. still holding out hope that maybe ... just maybe she will come to her senses..... I have tried getting angry and have a few times but I didnt like myself being that way.. Anger and bitterness is one thing that got me to this point in my life and after looking at myself I dont want to go back to being that way...

 

I know it will come in time... but I will not rush it just for the sake of being p'od.......

 

Yep, like I said, when you're ready.. it will just well up in you, or who knows? maybe not. Everyone doesn't have the same response but in general the stages of grief seem to get to everyone at some point.

[skinman]

Yep, like I said, when you're ready.. it will just well up in you, or who knows? maybe not. Everyone doesn't have the same response but in general the stages of grief seem to get to everyone at some point.

 

I think thats the point I am at now the grieving process.. The anger will most likely come when the divorce is closer to being finalized and she starts with her lies and accusations against me... but for now I just feel the loss and sorrow of the whole situation...

The dreams that we had and plans for the future...thats where I am at now... its all still so fresh you would think after a month it would get easier... it hasn't though... I still feel as if it was yesterday that she asked me to leave

[LostHusband]

 

I am not really angry... I guess more hurt than angry even after all the nasty things she has sadi to me I still cannot feel anger towards her.. I am sure it will come but at this point in time I miss her.. still holding out hope that maybe ... just maybe she will come to her senses..... I have tried getting angry and have a few times but I didnt like myself being that way.. Anger and bitterness is one thing that got me to this point in my life and after looking at myself I dont want to go back to being that way...

 

I know it will come in time... but I will not rush it just for the sake of being p'od.......

 

I have been following your thread Skin and I really do feel for you. That hope you are holding out that she will come to her sense is just denial, which helps you cope for now, but it does make the pain last longer. I was in denial for over a year, but that's not entirely my fault. My wife didn't just tell me she was leaving and then leave, it took her 8 months before she finally left, so during that time we were getting along very well and of course I stayed in denial and I felt ok about everything. Its now been 5 months since she left and I am facing the cold harsh reality that she is gone for good. I haven't felt very angry or bitter either, that's not like me. Occasionally I will get mad at her "How could she do this to me???!!!" (lately it has been more than just occasionally). But now that I realize it is over and she is gone I look forward to getting this divorce finalized and moving on with my life. Its not going to get easier, its going to get harder. Be ready for it and hold on tight - I'm still waiting for this ride to come to an end even though at times it feels like it went off the tracks and is spiraling out of control.

[pelicanpreacher]

I think these dreams my be a manifestation of your active attempt to deny reality by focusing exclusively on restoring your life, marriage, and family to that time when all was good with the world. You know that she has found someone else and this is what has precipitated the demise of your marriage yet you forcibly push these thoughts to the recesses of your mind in the hopes that as long as you don't think it that it can't be true. Since you refuse to deal with it your mind has decided to force you to deal with it by evoking dreams of the worse kind to make you deal with it.

 

Stop suppressing your thoughts and emotions by liviing in reality, owning all possibilities of your situation, and also possibly pre-empting the pain and negativity of these possibilities with active planning of your own to diffuse their distressing impact on your psyche. Only a child resorts to hiding from truths too painful to accept so grow up, be a man, and take on your life and circumstances with eyes wide open. The dreams will soon abate and you'll finally start getting a good night's sleep!

[skinman]

I have been following your thread Skin and I really do feel for you. That hope you are holding out that she will come to her sense is just denial, which helps you cope for now, but it does make the pain last longer. I was in denial for over a year, but that's not entirely my fault. My wife didn't just tell me she was leaving and then leave, it took her 8 months before she finally left, so during that time we were getting along very well and of course I stayed in denial and I felt ok about everything. Its now been 5 months since she left and I am facing the cold harsh reality that she is gone for good. I haven't felt very angry or bitter either, that's not like me. Occasionally I will get mad at her "How could she do this to me???!!!" (lately it has been more than just occasionally). But now that I realize it is over and she is gone I look forward to getting this divorce finalized and moving on with my life. Its not going to get easier, its going to get harder. Be ready for it and hold on tight - I'm still waiting for this ride to come to an end even though at times it feels like it went off the tracks and is spiraling out of control.

 

Thanks Losthusband,

I believe you and pelicanpreacher are right. I have been denying the truth of the situation in hopes that maybe she would return. These dreams are making things tough I had another last night that woke me around 2 and that was it no sleep after that... I realize that it is time to move forward and start taking control of my life back I didnt want to be like her and give up on our marriage to soon but the reality has smacked me upside the head and says move on...

 

thanks for your thoughts and I know it will get harder before it gets easier...

 

Skin

[skinman]

I think these dreams my be a manifestation of your active attempt to deny reality by focusing exclusively on restoring your life, marriage, and family to that time when all was good with the world. You know that she has found someone else and this is what has precipitated the demise of your marriage yet you forcibly push these thoughts to the recesses of your mind in the hopes that as long as you don't think it that it can't be true. Since you refuse to deal with it your mind has decided to force you to deal with it by evoking dreams of the worse kind to make you deal with it.

 

Stop suppressing your thoughts and emotions by liviing in reality, owning all possibilities of your situation, and also possibly pre-empting the pain and negativity of these possibilities with active planning of your own to diffuse their distressing impact on your psyche. Only a child resorts to hiding from truths too painful to accept so grow up, be a man, and take on your life and circumstances with eyes wide open. The dreams will soon abate and you'll finally start getting a good night's sleep!

 

Thanks Pelican,

 

no sugar coating it with you buddy

but you are right... I have held out hope and its probably wrong to do so at this point. I have realized during this separation how much I did depend on my wife.... everything from shopping to my self esteem and I know now that I am the only one who can truly make myself happy.... The security I felt in the relationship is another thing I held onto even though thinking back the marriage was not all that great to begin with.. We had our moments that were great but we also had the bad times as well..

thank you for being so candid about my post... I hope to be able to let go soon without the anger and bitterness that she has shown towards me... I am a better person than that and I refuse to stoop to her level.....

 

skin

[PWSX3]

This was in my morning email I get from that class I took.

 

If you are in a divorce, you will at some point feel anger. The extent of that anger will vary from person to person....

 

Anger can root deeply, grow quickly, and choke out your emotional health. Unless you cut away at your anger and learn to express it in a healthy manner, it can cause great harm to you and to others around you.

 

For me it has come in different stages & I've been angry at different situations, not just the stbxw......

First angry for what she did, then for her not trying, then for having to try & make it on my own, trying to figure out how to buy her out of the house, etc.etc.

 

It's all part of the process.....

[skinman]

This was in my morning email I get from that class I took.

 

If you are in a divorce, you will at some point feel anger. The extent of that anger will vary from person to person....

 

Anger can root deeply, grow quickly, and choke out your emotional health. Unless you cut away at your anger and learn to express it in a healthy manner, it can cause great harm to you and to others around you.

 

For me it has come in different stages & I've been angry at different situations, not just the stbxw......

First angry for what she did, then for her not trying, then for having to try & make it on my own, trying to figure out how to buy her out of the house, etc.etc.

 

It's all part of the process.....

 

thanks PW.

I am sure in time I will feel the anger over all that you have mentioned but I dont want the anger to control my emotions and interactions with her... She is the one going through the angry phase now and i dont want to become what she is becoming.... out of control in a sense with her words and actions..... I wish it was so easy where I could feel the anger and hurt that she has thrust upon me and my girls by her selfishness in bailing on our marriage... I have learned a lot from reading Singledads "how to start from scratch" post and in time i will move on........ I feel today is going to be a start in that direction... last night the dreams came back to me as Pelicanpreacher said I need to adress my feeling and move on knowing that It is in deed the end of my marriage.... if later she or we decide to try again thats fine and dandy but now is about me and my daughter........ being the best dad I can with the time that I have her...

 

thanks again PWSX3...

[sumdude]

Thanks Losthusband,

I believe you and pelicanpreacher are right. I have been denying the truth of the situation in hopes that maybe she would return. These dreams are making things tough I had another last night that woke me around 2 and that was it no sleep after that... I realize that it is time to move forward and start taking control of my life back I didnt want to be like her and give up on our marriage to soon but the reality has smacked me upside the head and says move on...

 

thanks for your thoughts and I know it will get harder before it gets easier...

 

Skin

 

The 5 stages of grief. The order varies, denial always comes first.. they all come and go at different times in different combinations.

 

1-Denial-"this can't be happening to me","(S)he's just lost it for a while and will come back soon enough.", "That new relationship is doomed and she'll be back to me." The mind keeps coming up with reconciliation scenarios.

 

2-Anger-"why me?", "How could (s)he do this to me after everything we've been through and all I've put up with."

 

3-Bargaining-Attempting to make deals with the spouse who is leaving, or attempting to make deals with God to stop or change the loss. "I'll change all she didn't like, lose weight, pay more attention," etc etc etc Begging, wishing, praying for them to come back.

 

4-Depression-overwhelming feelings of hopelessness, frustration, bitterness, self pity, mourning loss of person as well as the hopes, dreams and plans for the future. Feeling lack of control, feeling numb.

 

5-Acceptance-there is a difference between resignation and acceptance. You have to accept the loss, not just try to bear it quietly. Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage. Our goals turn toward personal growth.

[n9688m]

Realization that it takes two to make or break a marriage.

 

Sometimes - not always.

 

It is quite possible for one spouse alone to unilaterally break a marriage.

[PWSX3]

Another way to look at it.

 

Doesn't matter if you get back together or not, the marriage you have now is dead. You do not want that marriage again because it didn't work.

 

So you still need to grieve the loss of that marriage no matter what, then move on, better yourself & then see what happens.

 

"IF" and that is something you shouldn't look at but like me I do & it is hard not to but "IF" you did get back together you DO NOT want it to be the same as it was, you will both need to do a lot of work, so you might as well start doing the work now for you & then that will help you decide if you really do want her back.

 

Lot of times when the one that leaves has decided maybe it wasn't all that good, then the one that was left has moved on & bettered themselves so they don't want that person back.

 

Just things to think about.

[skinman]

Another way to look at it.

 

Doesn't matter if you get back together or not, the marriage you have now is dead. You do not want that marriage again because it didn't work.

 

So you still need to grieve the loss of that marriage no matter what, then move on, better yourself & then see what happens.

 

"IF" and that is something you shouldn't look at but like me I do & it is hard not to but "IF" you did get back together you DO NOT want it to be the same as it was, you will both need to do a lot of work, so you might as well start doing the work now for you & then that will help you decide if you really do want her back.

 

Lot of times when the one that leaves has decided maybe it wasn't all that good, then the one that was left has moved on & bettered themselves so they don't want that person back.

 

Just things to think about.

 

Thanks guys... I do appreciate all the remarks... at this point I am not sure which stage i am at.. probably between 4 and 5.. the bargaining is over I quit that some time back when she last told me how much she hated me... I learned quickly that was something I didnt want to hear again... I have tried to grieve it but hold on at the same time which defeats the purpose I guess... today seems to be a better day where I am begining to accept what is happening and move on... I know there are going to be days when I will feel great and then feel like H**L but in time they will lessen... I know my marriage wasnt great and "If" the big if we get back together it will not be the same... I have learned a lot about myself in just these past few days........ I depended way to much on my wife for my happiness and self esteem... In a sense she was raising 3 kids.. my 2 daughters and me... It maybe to late to show her now what I have learned from all of this but hopefully in the next 11 months of our separation she will see a different me.....

 

If not her I know someone will see me for what I have to offer which is quite abit... Thanks again Sumdude, PSWX2 and n9688m... your words of encouragement and much appreciated.... I hope you guys will stick with me through the rest of my journey..........

[whichwayisup]

Just roll with whatever hits you at that particular time, and don't beat yourself up that you should be doing or feeling this or that. It hasn't been that long since all this stuff exploded in your face, so it's OK to be all over the place and not sure of what happens next.

[sumdude]

Dreams and more dreams... each night they seem to come to me and make my sleep restless.. last night was another long night.. I had 2 dreams again this time they seemed so real..

 

Must be something in the air.... last night I had dreams about the ex wife. First time in many many months. Woke up at 4AM and couldn't get back to sleep. Can't imagine it's just from reading this thread.

[skinman]

Must be something in the air.... last night I had dreams about the ex wife. First time in many many months. Woke up at 4AM and couldn't get back to sleep. Can't imagine it's just from reading this thread.

 

Lol I hope not Sumdude,

I dont mean to project my bad vibes your way my friend... they have been much more frequent this past week.. and seem so real. I dont know what is bringing them on because I haven't spoken with the wife since sunday... I do hope they subside soon...

 

Thanks Sumdude for hanging with me during all of this......

[skinman]

Just roll with whatever hits you at that particular time, and don't beat yourself up that you should be doing or feeling this or that. It hasn't been that long since all this stuff exploded in your face, so it's OK to be all over the place and not sure of what happens next.

 

Always good Advice WWIU,

I appreciate your involvement in my daily life on this site. I am trying to let the grief come and feel it totaly for what it is.... Its that I am tired.. tired of the sudden feeling of loss that overcome some days... I can be sitting at my desk and glance over at my family picture and almost lose it... To think I was with her for almost 16 years all the memories and photo's that were taken........ I have less than 10 pics of everything that we did and accomplished during our time together...... That really hurts knowing that she wont give me any photo's from our past........

[Confused9]

Skin,

just checking in...seems like your having some rough days...hang in there

[skinman]

Skin,

just checking in...seems like your having some rough days...hang in there

 

Thanks Confused9,

missed hearing from you yes they have been pretty rough lately with all the dreams that keep me awake at night.. I dont know why they come but there have been many of the past 3 days..... sometimes 2 a night and my sleep is suffering...

thanks for checking in...........

[Confused9]

I know. I have been very busy with work and havne't had a ton of time to check in.

 

I am so sorry about the dreams. I know how hard those can be on you. You can't control what you dream abotu but you can control how you feel after. I hope they go away soon. I still have dreams about him too, but I try and stop myself from going back to that place.

 

hang in there...

[skinman]

I know. I have been very busy with work and havne't had a ton of time to check in.

 

I am so sorry about the dreams. I know how hard those can be on you. You can't control what you dream abotu but you can control how you feel after. I hope they go away soon. I still have dreams about him too, but I try and stop myself from going back to that place.

 

hang in there...

 

I thought I was doing good the past few days with not talking to her or even thinking about her but the dreams... they ahve messed with me big time... I have felt good and I have been walking tall but the thoughts are still there like now.... I will be picking up my daughter tonight and I will have to see her.... I just know its going to bother me... I will try and act pk but she knows me.... she can see right through me and know that I am still hurting from all of this.... Iwish I could just off my daughter and leave.. but Then my stepdaughter will feel hurt..... pray for strength.......