Confused9 Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 I hope you have strength tonight as well. Try and be excited abotu seeing your daughter and focus on that more than the fear of seeing the X. It's nice of you to think of your stepdaughters feelings. You seem like a really good guy Skin. I want to think all us nice gals and guys will benefit in some day from these horrific exeperiences. I hope we all do. Good luck tonight. Stay strong and remember this is all going to come in waves...one minute you'll be fine...the next you'll be a mess. It's all the bumps and turns on the road to recovery. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 25, 2008 Author Share Posted November 25, 2008 I hope you have strength tonight as well. Try and be excited abotu seeing your daughter and focus on that more than the fear of seeing the X. It's nice of you to think of your stepdaughters feelings. You seem like a really good guy Skin. I want to think all us nice gals and guys will benefit in some day from these horrific exeperiences. I hope we all do. Good luck tonight. Stay strong and remember this is all going to come in waves...one minute you'll be fine...the next you'll be a mess. It's all the bumps and turns on the road to recovery. Thank you confused9, i used to think I was a good guy and husband but now a days even I question that sometimes.. I hope for strength tonight as well.. right now I have none and hopefully by the time i drop her off I will have more than i need.. I have missed your advice the past few days... I hope you stay with me during this journey into my new life... I know your sound advice and encouragemnt will be needed..... thanks again Link to post Share on other sites
LostHusband Posted November 25, 2008 Share Posted November 25, 2008 Thanks guys... I do appreciate all the remarks... at this point I am not sure which stage i am at.. probably between 4 and 5.. the bargaining is over I quit that some time back when she last told me how much she hated me... I learned quickly that was something I didnt want to hear again... I have tried to grieve it but hold on at the same time which defeats the purpose I guess... today seems to be a better day where I am begining to accept what is happening and move on... I know there are going to be days when I will feel great and then feel like H**L but in time they will lessen... Hate to break this to you but the stages of grief don't follow any particular order once you start them. You could be into stage 5 and then go right back into stage 1 and be in stage 4 at the same time. They all get mashed up together and they will mess with your sanity! You are right though that there are days you will feel great (more like minutes to hours) then you will feel terrible all over again. I went through this, I still am. You know you are getting better when the times you feel good are more than the times you feel bad. It will get to the point where you will go all day and feel pretty good and you will think, "Shouldn't I still be sad or something?" Then you have to think about it just to get yourself to cry. Don't be fooled though, you could spend the next day feeling the complete opposite and do nothing but want to cry. Eventually though the happy days outnumber the bad days and then the bad days just go away. Still looking forward to that myself though. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 25, 2008 Author Share Posted November 25, 2008 Hate to break this to you but the stages of grief don't follow any particular order once you start them. You could be into stage 5 and then go right back into stage 1 and be in stage 4 at the same time. They all get mashed up together and they will mess with your sanity! You are right though that there are days you will feel great (more like minutes to hours) then you will feel terrible all over again. I went through this, I still am. You know you are getting better when the times you feel good are more than the times you feel bad. It will get to the point where you will go all day and feel pretty good and you will think, "Shouldn't I still be sad or something?" Then you have to think about it just to get yourself to cry. Don't be fooled though, you could spend the next day feeling the complete opposite and do nothing but want to cry. Eventually though the happy days outnumber the bad days and then the bad days just go away. Still looking forward to that myself though. Thanks LH, I just got off the phone with my wife.. we actually had a good conversation.. she was telling me that our dog might be having kidney failure an she was upset.. I tried to reassure her that she would be fine.. the she asked me about my credit cards and how we were still married and didnt want either of us to ruin our credit...It breaks my heart to see how uncaring she is regarding our marriage and she is just biding her time until we can divorce... 16 years for what ???? ........all this pain and suffering will come to an end soon.. I will start to finally feel good and then the divorce will come... Thats my biggest fear now....... having to do it all over again once its final and she walks out of my life......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 26, 2008 Author Share Posted November 26, 2008 I just dropped off my daughter from my visit tonight.. we had a good time at my house she helped me make dinner and even helped clean the house.. she is such a good girl and I feel so bad for what her mother did to put her in this situation... she asked me again if I was coming over on Thanksgiving... this time her mom heard her... She looked at me and asked me "what are you telling her ".... I said well I dont think I will be coming over... she asked why ? I said well mommy doesn't want me there...then the wife stated... well i told you I would think about... yes you did say that but here it is Tuesday and you hadn't said anything to me so I assumed i was still uninvited....... well she invited me for Thanksgiving... kind of out of pity It felt like... Actually we had a nice long talk (10 minutes) ... thats long these days and we got along great.... It seemed just like a couple months ago before all this started... she even called me "honey" a few times........ Sadly I only know thats out of habit... its hard not to when you have called someone that for 15 years...it felt so right sitting there talking...looking into her eyes wondering what she was thinking.... she was at ease and so was I my emotions didn't fail me as i had worried they might.... I was looking good I had my tie and slacks on from work... I hope she noticed what a good mood I was in........I Let her see me happy and carefree just like they say... dont let them see that it bothers you any........ Well friends tonight you would have been proud of me... As I was leaving I looked at her seeing how she really looked from outside our marriage.... I thought to myself......... Well at least you had her through her best years.......... I still care for her very much..... but her grip on me is loosening....... may sleep come easy for me tonight.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 Well, it's obvious she isn't the woman you fell inlove with years ago and she's changed. thought to myself......... Well at least you had her through her best years.......... This is a great way of looking at this. You DID have some great years with her! Go to Thanksgiving dinner and enjoy the evening. Make it fun and light hearted, no discussions about anything serious. IF she tries to go there, tell her "tonight is NOT the night to be talking about this, for our child's sake." Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 Go to Thanksgiving dinner and enjoy the evening. Make it fun and light hearted, no discussions about anything serious. IF she tries to go there, tell her "tonight is NOT the night to be talking about this, for our child's sake." Isn't that sending a mixed message to attend Thanksgiving dinner? She wants her cake and wants to eat it too. The point of divorce is that she doesn't want to be with him as a family - so that's the way it should be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 26, 2008 Author Share Posted November 26, 2008 Isn't that sending a mixed message to attend Thanksgiving dinner? She wants her cake and wants to eat it too. The point of divorce is that she doesn't want to be with him as a family - so that's the way it should be. Well I think she is really confused at the moment... I will give her the benefit of doubt and move forward as we see how things go... As long as I keep moving forward with my recovery and dont get my expectations up I dont see a problem with going..... I am hoping that in time she will see the new me and possibly think of giving it another try.... I am not closing the door on this part of my life yet....... We have to much invested together to not try.... thanks for your reply n9688m, as long as I know where we stand and try to enjoy the day for what it is... Dinner with my girls and wife I dont see how that could be bad.... its only been a month and I am not ready to give up on my marriage just yet........ like i said we'll see how it goes... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 26, 2008 Share Posted November 26, 2008 Dinner with my girls and wife I dont see how that could be bad.. It could be bad by giving her a false reality of what she has brought upon herself. You might be more likely to succeed by not attending so she realizes the impact of what she has done on her family. You are now teaching her that she can divorce you and still have the benefits of an intact family. That's a very wrong message. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 26, 2008 Author Share Posted November 26, 2008 "Go to Thanksgiving dinner and enjoy the evening. Make it fun and light hearted, no discussions about anything serious. IF she tries to go there, tell her "tonight is NOT the night to be talking about this, for our child's sake." Thanks WWIU, thats the way I see it as long as I continue to move forward and see it for what it really is I dont think its a problem..... I still love my wife very much and If having dinner with my family brings a chance that we may in time be able to work something out then I am doing it.......... I dont think she will even discuss our situation... We talked last night and there was no mention of it........ that time may come in the future but until then I will show her me in my best "light"...... hope You have a happy Thanksgiving WWIU... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 26, 2008 Author Share Posted November 26, 2008 It could be bad by giving her a false reality of what she has brought upon herself. You might be more likely to succeed by not attending so she realizes the impact of what she has done on her family. You are now teaching her that she can divorce you and still have the benefits of an intact family. That's a very wrong message. Well we still have 11 months before we can even talk divorce... I dont see that having dinner will take away from what all I have accomplished.. I think slowly she is realizing what she has done... I haven't had any contact with her for most part of a week.. excpet to talk about my daughter... and If it does come to a divorce this will not happen in the future... once she signs that paper its it...... I will be done with her but as long as I still have a chance for us to work out what really caused the split I am going to try........ all alnog not getting my hopes up either... Like WWIU said she has changed and I see her differently but with all that I still love my wife.... thanks for your response.... happy thanksgiving to you . n9688m Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 27, 2008 Author Share Posted November 27, 2008 I am finding it rather difficult tonight to keep my emotions in check... Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and it will most liekely be the last one that I spend with my wife and girls as a family.... even though we are not in a family situation now it still breaks my heart knowing that for the last 15 years I have been a part of something special that is coming to an end. Thanksgiving in my family has always been a special day.. we all would help my wife make the stuffing and cut up the patatos and get everything set.... Tomorrow I will not be a part of all that .. I will arrive at the scheduled eating time and be like any other guest.... A guest in my own home.... how did I let everything get to this point in my life... I know it will be difficult for me and I am sure everyone else with the exception of my youngest.... She is really looking forward to us all eating together again like we used to.. she has taken it pretty tough so far and we have tried to reassure her that as difficult as it seems she will be fine in the end........ She knows we both love her more than anything and no matter what happens that will never end........ I want to thank everyone who has been a part of the most difficult time in my life....by following my thread and helping me cope... You all have offered encouragement and wisdom to help me through this and I appreciate it all.... So in closing I wish you all the happiest Thanksgiving that you can have... I pray for peace and happiness in all of your lives and may the Lord look down on you and keep you safe.... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 27, 2008 Share Posted November 27, 2008 She is really looking forward to us all eating together again like we used to.. she has taken it pretty tough so far and we have tried to reassure her that as difficult as it seems she will be fine in the end........ Sorry to be a downer, but statistically your daughter has it right. Read the Wallerstein book. At least it's not your fault - you can lay the guilt on your STBXW for not trying to save the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 27, 2008 Author Share Posted November 27, 2008 Well I have just returned home from Thanksgiving dinner with my family.....I have to say it felt nice to be sitting at my table again with my wife across from me and my daughters to the side..... it felt like it always has... Confortable.. I had a pleasant time and it appeared my wife even loosened up and enjoyed herself.... I dont know what the future holds for me.... But today I was living in the past for what might turn out to be the last time.... Some of you advised against going today that it would send the wrong signal but honestly I have no regrets..... I made sure today that my wife saw the best part of me..... If she decides in the end that she still wants out I will gladly let her go knowing that I was blessed with this day and I can move forward like I have been... It was sad when I left and my emotions got the best of me as I pulled off but i was proud of the fact that I held it together while with my wife.....She saw someone who was happy and in control of his life and not like the guy she is used to over the past month.... It even seemed for a moment that she wanted to hug me as I left.... She didnt but I know in my heart she was thinking about it..... Today I am Thankfull for being alive and the possibilities of what lies ahead of me with my future...... The possibilities are endless Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 28, 2008 Author Share Posted November 28, 2008 After such a promising day yesterday today has turned out to be terrible... I cannot get the thoughts of my wife out of my head.... I made the mistake of texting her to see if she was having fun while shopping... well it took a while and she finally responded not really... Well i wrote back to take care hoping for a reply........ Well it never came I knew better than texting her but I got my hopes up so much yesterday by the good time we had that I thought I would try....... Well now I sit here miserable and not being able to get her out of my mind.. I wish her grasp on my emotions would loosen but they havent yet.. I looked at her yesterday and all I could think of was how much I wanted to hug and hold her... how long its been since I have held her and smelled her up close.....I now regret going to dinner.... I was doing good up until yesterday but so far today I am a wreck with no end in sight... I wish for a second I could be in her shoes and her in mine so she could see just what pain her actions are causing me......... Sadly I cant........ Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 28, 2008 Share Posted November 28, 2008 She doesn't want to know the pain she's inflicting on you - Yet she does see it, but it makes her feel guilty which is why she's hot and cold with you. Dinner was good in the sense of your kids. But the bad part is, the feelings obviously are still there and spending time together hurts because it's in the moment and doesn't mean much the next day (in the sense of you two reconnecting again, or getting back together) and now you're in pain. Try your best to detach from her life except when it has to do with the kids. Trying to be friendly, or showing any type of concern/care for her is only going to hurt you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 28, 2008 Author Share Posted November 28, 2008 Try your best to detach from her life except when it has to do with the kids. Trying to be friendly, or showing any type of concern/care for her is only going to hurt you. Thanks WWIU, I am begining to see that you are correct and I need to limit my contact with her for my own sake...Its so hard though when all I want to do is contact her and see how she is... Its killing me inside knowing that she has moved on and could pretty much care less what or how I am doing I am in more pain now than when this all started.... I have tried to keep busy and my thoughts away from her but its not working I am falling back into the old habit of moping and feeling sorry for myself.....I wish I kew for sure whether or not there was someone else......... then i might be able to move on and not look back... Link to post Share on other sites
Gowithflow Posted November 29, 2008 Share Posted November 29, 2008 I wish I kew for sure whether or not there was someone else......... then i might be able to move on and not look back... Look up your past phone records from when she was still living in the house. Look for a pattern of calls stemming from before she said she needed "space". Do a reverse lookup of suspicious numbers, (as in a pattern). Call the numbers. Use google to find addresses. You will find the truth eventually either way. It will not make you feel better, but it will help you heal faster knowing the truth IMHO. I have some very recent experience with a cheating spouse. I will post soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 29, 2008 Author Share Posted November 29, 2008 Look up your past phone records from when she was still living in the house. Look for a pattern of calls stemming from before she said she needed "space". Do a reverse lookup of suspicious numbers, (as in a pattern). Call the numbers. Use google to find addresses. You will find the truth eventually either way. It will not make you feel better, but it will help you heal faster knowing the truth IMHO. I have some very recent experience with a cheating spouse. I will post soon. Thanks but with her line of work she received calls from many dofferent people and it would be to difficult to determine if there was someone else... with being out of my house it would make it even more difficult.... I believe that i will continue to try and move forward and if she comes back fine if not fine too...... I do love my wife still and after seeing her this morning she didnt even acknowledge me I am starting to not care what happens anymore... She was the one that wanted this not me...... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 29, 2008 Share Posted November 29, 2008 She was the one that wanted this not me...... So, how long does she intend for things to go on this way? It's killing you. Bottomline is, if she wants out and wants a divorce, bring it up to her soon, let her know that you can't go on like you are now as it's just unfair and cruel of her. IF she isn't sure, then suggest marriage counselling, both together and apart. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 29, 2008 Author Share Posted November 29, 2008 So, how long does she intend for things to go on this way? It's killing you. Bottomline is, if she wants out and wants a divorce, bring it up to her soon, let her know that you can't go on like you are now as it's just unfair and cruel of her. IF she isn't sure, then suggest marriage counselling, both together and apart. WWIU, in Virginia we have to be separated for a year before we can divorce. I have asked for counseling in the past and she said she was done with the marriage... I have been trying to gide my time and give her the space she asked for in hopes that maybe she would change her mind... It has been tough she was so friendly at Thanksgiving but ignored me this morning.... I dont know anymore WWIU...I love her still and want to hold out hope but like you say its taken a toll on my emotions... I cant help but want to call and talk or email her but i havent.. I have pretty much respected her wishes to leave her alone..... I dont know if this is her way or letting me down "easy" or what..... I guess after this morning it kind of woke me up to how she is .... Cold very cold to me lately.... I do belive its time to let go.. as much as i dont want to i think its in my best interest...... its breaking my heart seeing how she is treating me after so many years together.... I could never be so cold and indifferent to anyone I have ever cared for........... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 29, 2008 Share Posted November 29, 2008 The marriage counselling can actually help you both with co-parenting and building a better co-parent relationship rather than husband and wife. I really hate to say it, but there has to be someone else. Or, she was ready to leave the marriage a long long time ago, detached and did all her grieving privately, because to just one day say "it's over and I don't love you anymore, don't want to try to fix this marriage" is serious. Confusion is one thing, wanting to find your inner self again, but just up and saying it's over is another. AND being a bitch about it! There really is no need for her to be acting this way UNLESS she's got hormone problems and is close to menopause. Even then, it's still no excuse to treat you the way she has, with such little respect and a cold heart. Makes me wanna smack her for you!! Or atleast yell at her for you! Consider some counselling for you to help you cope with this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 29, 2008 Author Share Posted November 29, 2008 Makes me wanna smack her for you!! Or atleast yell at her for you! Consider some counselling for you to help you cope with this. Thanks WWIU... I would be more than happy if you did just that......lol I am going to counseling to help me with all of this... and its funny you mention Menopause.. she has had symsptoms fro the past few years and refused to take hormones... Her mom has dementia and someone told her that might have been a cause of the early onset... As for someone else i dont know really.... She had said that she thought about this for a while but finally decided to do it..... she thinks the grass will be greener... she wants to find someone who she has more incommon with.. her wrods exactly.... She has been a B##ch and I have a few cards in my deck that I havent played.... She will be in for a rude awakening when its time to file for taxes....... I will leave it at that......... Thanks WWIU...... you are a wise man... Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted November 29, 2008 Share Posted November 29, 2008 Uhh! WWI is a woman! Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted November 29, 2008 Share Posted November 29, 2008 Thanks WWIU...... you are a wise man... You made me LOL for real. Yeah, I'm a woman. Thanks PP for clearing that up for me though! Link to post Share on other sites
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