Author skinman Posted November 29, 2008 Author Share Posted November 29, 2008 You made me LOL for real. Yeah, I'm a woman. Thanks PP for clearing that up for me though! my bad WWIU.... so sorry for my assumption... well you are a Very Wise woman..... what do you know about menopause ?.... do you think this might be at the root of my wife's evil.......your responses have read like they were from a man who has gone through the same sort of stuff as I am... I hope I didnt offend you but it is kinds hard to tell without saying outright...... Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted November 29, 2008 Share Posted November 29, 2008 "Wanting space" is just a code word for wanting to continue an affair without interference, thus needing "space" to accomplish that. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 Well I saw my wife again last night when I dropped off my daughter. I didnt want to go in but I saw that my stepdaughter was home and I wanted to say hello...It was hard seeing her.... its been close to 3 days since we had Thanksgiving.... I had such a urge to tell her how much I have missed her and still loved her but I didnt... I know many of you have said not to say that anymore... to let her wonder if indeed I have moved on.. but how does that help any ??? how does she know that I still care If I dont tell her.. maybe she has been wondering if I do maybe not but not telling her seems so against what I feel.... I am finding it hard to move on.... everthing seems to bring back memories or feeling of plans that we had.... Confused9 made a comment about seeing couple together and how it would piss her off.... Well I got that feeling today for the first time seeing a couple who looked in love and I became angry... not at them in particular but just my situation.... how could it have gotten to this pont when all seemed so good.... thanks for reading I needed to vent a little....... Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 "I need space" is a code phrase for "I am in an affair and I need to have space to continue this affar." Do some snooping, you will find out that there is another man involved. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 Once you find out who OM is, you'll see things a lot clearer and be able to take a more firm path forward. Right now, I think your mind is touching on it subliminally, thus your tendency to try to defend your W against it and try to find any other explanation for it. Its pretty clear to me, but from the inside our minds try to fog out anything that we don't really want to see. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 Once you find out who OM is, you'll see things a lot clearer and be able to take a more firm path forward. Right now, I think your mind is touching on it subliminally, thus your tendency to try to defend your W against it and try to find any other explanation for it. Its pretty clear to me, but from the inside our minds try to fog out anything that we don't really want to see. thanks for your opinion... i guess that is something that I haven't wanted to look into... I would like to believe her when she says there is no one else but who knows.....It would be pretty tough for me to follow her or pay for a PI just to find out for sure..... What good will it do me to know ...... at this point I need to just move forward with my life as hard as it is to do.... She hasn't given me much hope so I need to learn to accept it and start living my life for me.... The days are getting easier with time but there are moments when I still long for what I had and what will never be....... There will come a day when it wont matter what she does or says anymore.... Thats the day I am looking forward to but its not here yet.... maybe soon....... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 What good will it do me to know Do you earn more money than she does? If so, it could matter a whole lot. In some states adultery is grounds for her to not be entitled to alimony. Being able to prove my STBXW had an affair will be worth an immense amount of money to me for this reason. I sense you have not yet made the emotional shift from "we" to "me" - that's important for you to do now to protect your future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 I sense you have not yet made the emotional shift from "we" to "me" - that's important for you to do now to protect your future. No she makes more than me in most years... she works for herself so it depends on her sales and stuff... And your right I still think of us as "WE" and I know that I should only be thiking of myself and my girls... its hard though... I am getting to that point but just not there yet... I still hold out some hope but not as much as in the past... The days are getting better for me and hopefully with time they will continue...... I dont believe she will ask for alimony.... she was never a materialistic person.. as long as the kids are taken care of she will not ask for much ......... i know from experience with her ex husband.... she gave him so many breaks it was pathetic...... I hope for the same from her........ Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted November 30, 2008 Share Posted November 30, 2008 I dont believe she will ask for alimony.... she was never a materialistic person. It has not sunk in yet. She is out for herself now. You need to think of "me" - not "we." The only reason she won't ask for alimony is if she has no chance of getting it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted November 30, 2008 Author Share Posted November 30, 2008 It has not sunk in yet. She is out for herself now. You need to think of "me" - not "we." The only reason she won't ask for alimony is if she has no chance of getting it. I know your probably right about that.....I just never thought it would come to this.... I have a few cards up my sleeve for when the time comes.... She will be sorry for making this decision....... Thanks n9688m I appreciate all your advice... it sucks to be in this situation....... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 I caught up on your thread today. How's everything? Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 1, 2008 Author Share Posted December 1, 2008 I caught up on your thread today. How's everything? I am struggling today ... I found out the wife has been telling all of her family that she is a free woman and can do whatever she feels like... She is acting like a teenager again... This weekend was tough Thanksgiving went well but it was hard leaving my own house... I felt like a guest I have tried to keep busy but the thoughts and dreams always come back... thanks for asking TIY... Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 There are a lot of options for finding out the truth besides hiring a PI. Some cost a little bit...many are free. 1. Try to figure out WHEN she's likely meeting with someone. Just look at her schedule. Then ask a friend that she doesn't know, especially one with a car that she wouldn't recognize, to discreetly tail her and see where she goes. 2. If you're friends with her neighbors, stop by and talk with them about what's going on, find out if there have been any cars over there repeatedly, etc... 3. Look at her cell phone records both leading up to and after the seperation started. Specifically look for calling patterns to specific numbers when you weren't there...like during her commute to/from work, or while YOU are at work. 4. Same thing goes for credit card transactions prior to and after the seperation. 5. Get a GPS tracking device, and place it discreetly on her car. Make sure to get one that provides updates to the internet, and have a gameplan for recovering and recharging it periodically. 6. Look for a myspace/facebook type blog that she might open. Affairees often revert to sappy teenage behavior like this. 7. If you can guess her email/pw's, check for similar email account names under all the various free providers (google, yahoo, msn, etc...). You get the idea...really, it's just a bit of creative thinking. AND...if you have anyone that you SUSPECT could be the OM, there are alot of ideas I can suggest for how to check him out too. And, FWIW...if she IS seeing someone else, you really need to get this exposed so that the affair starts to lose its luster. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 1, 2008 Author Share Posted December 1, 2008 There are a lot of options for finding out the truth besides hiring a PI. Some cost a little bit...many are free. 1. Try to figure out WHEN she's likely meeting with someone. Just look at her schedule. Then ask a friend that she doesn't know, especially one with a car that she wouldn't recognize, to discreetly tail her and see where she goes. 2. If you're friends with her neighbors, stop by and talk with them about what's going on, find out if there have been any cars over there repeatedly, etc... 3. Look at her cell phone records both leading up to and after the seperation started. Specifically look for calling patterns to specific numbers when you weren't there...like during her commute to/from work, or while YOU are at work. 4. Same thing goes for credit card transactions prior to and after the seperation. 5. Get a GPS tracking device, and place it discreetly on her car. Make sure to get one that provides updates to the internet, and have a gameplan for recovering and recharging it periodically. 6. Look for a myspace/facebook type blog that she might open. Affairees often revert to sappy teenage behavior like this. 7. If you can guess her email/pw's, check for similar email account names under all the various free providers (google, yahoo, msn, etc...). You get the idea...really, it's just a bit of creative thinking. AND...if you have anyone that you SUSPECT could be the OM, there are alot of ideas I can suggest for how to check him out too. And, FWIW...if she IS seeing someone else, you really need to get this exposed so that the affair starts to lose its luster. Thanks Owl... but she is a little old for myspace thing and facebook... and she only has the email account that i know of.. its pretty hard checking all of the other stuff because she did all the banking and stuff for us... I knew where the passwords were but not being able to access them makes it harder... She even mentioned to her uncle that i was trying to pry info out of my step daughter to see if she was seeing someone.. which is not true of course but she believes so.... she worked evening and with her business it was a lot of cell phone calls.. most were women because i listened in on some of them... i appreciate your advice but at this point she doesnt want me back.... so what can i do.. I cant force her to love me or want me... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 I found out the wife has been telling all of her family that she is a free woman and can do whatever she feels like... Then maybe a taste of her own medicin would be good soon.. I'm not saying go out and date, but what you can do is make her wonder. Act aloof, dress better, and have a certain "happiness" about you, when you're picking up your daughter. Don't ask ANY questions, just be happy. I bet she will wonder why the sudden 'happiness change' with you and want to know what's up. IF she has the balls to ask, you say "I'm going on with my life, that's what you wanted, right?" Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 1, 2008 Author Share Posted December 1, 2008 Then maybe a taste of her own medicin would be good soon.. I'm not saying go out and date, but what you can do is make her wonder. Act aloof, dress better, and have a certain "happiness" about you, when you're picking up your daughter. Don't ask ANY questions, just be happy. I bet she will wonder why the sudden 'happiness change' with you and want to know what's up. IF she has the balls to ask, you say "I'm going on with my life, that's what you wanted, right?" Thanks WWIU I have been doing exactly that ...each time she has seen me lately I have been wearing a tie and slacks making sure that she see's me looking my best... and I have acted happy around her... its only ater i leave that the sadness comes back... Thanks WWIU... Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 Hey Skin, sorry you are having such a hard time lately. I wish your x wasn't causing you so much trouble. You need to gain control of your feelings back. Stop allowing her to illicit how you feel. If you catch yourself wondering, thinking about her...start wonderign, thinking about you and your new life. you don't know if she is really truly happy but she acts that way so in front of her...act the same. I wish you comfort and strenght and peace right now. I know you need it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 1, 2008 Author Share Posted December 1, 2008 I wish you comfort and strenght and peace right now. I know you need it. Thank you confused9, I do need it this weekend was tough on me.. each day but saturday.. saturday I spent the day with my daughter.. we went shopping played some games and even baked some cookies... She is such a bright spot in all of this.... I have tried to control my thoughts but nothing seems to be working.. I have started doing pushups whenever i catch myself thinking of her but that only works out home.. i think yesterday i did close to 200 when all was said and done..... I heard from family that she has been bragging that now she can do anything because she is a free woman... It really hurts knowing that I let her do anything that she pleased before... I guess I know what she is really saying... I just dont want to admit to myself just yet... How was your Thanksgiving... ? I hope it was pleasant for you and you got to spend time with your family... The dreams have been bad lately...I dont know what I can do to stop them... the wake me up an sleep wont come esy after that.. thanks for your prayers... I missed you all weekend ... you are my voice of reason through all of this... i am so glad you found my thread... !! Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 UGH, the dreams will go away, but they will be there until she is off your mind a bit more...which obviously isn't the case. Push ups are a great idea!!! Your arms are goign to look great I am sure...LOL. My thanksgiving was OK at best. It was sort of tough on me and I can't lie I thought of my X quite a bit. I guess I was sad that he had a whole family now - with a wife adn baby and I am alone. I guess I was hoping I had made more progress by this time last year but I have to say I was so THANKFUL that it was nothing like last year. I did shed a tear but I quickly reminded myself that he was not what I wanted and let the thoughts escape. Some days are still hard but that's to be expected. Again, this year was a far cry from last year. I was in SO much pain last year. I have some family stuff going on so that probably had a bit to do with it. I appreciate your kind words about me being your voice of reason. That means a lot. I am very happy that I can help soemone in this situation. It's not fair how she is acting. But, she is going to have to life with how she acted for the rest of her life. You need to be the bigger person and not stoop to her level. She is an adult and should act like one. Telling people she is free to do whatever she wants make it sound like she has someoen else. I don't understand ppl and why they need to be so cruel. It pizzes me off to no end. You can do this skin! I have faith in you Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 Time is on your side. You'll have to go through all your emotions before you get a sense of relief. Just be patient and take heart. As far as the dreams, don't stress them. If you wake up early, go out for a walk or write or whatever you like. It's rough but it gets better. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 1, 2008 Author Share Posted December 1, 2008 I appreciate your kind words about me being your voice of reason. That means a lot. I am very happy that I can help soemone in this situation. It's not fair how she is acting. But, she is going to have to life with how she acted for the rest of her life. You need to be the bigger person and not stoop to her level. She is an adult and should act like one. Telling people she is free to do whatever she wants make it sound like she has someoen else. I don't understand ppl and why they need to be so cruel. It pizzes me off to no end. You can do this skin! I have faith in you Thanks... and the worse part of it was she was telling this to her aunt who over the past 7 years I have gotten pretty close with... I sent a text to my stepdaughter on sunday asking if she was watching the game.. she said she was at the movies.. i asked if her sister was there she said yes.. I asked if they were alone and she said her mom was there also.... well my wife told her aunt that I was txeting my daughter to see if she had a boyfriend... can you believe that.... i didnt ask anything about that but it does make me wonder... she sounds defensice all of a sudden... Thanks for having faith in me Confused9.... I sure wish I had some in myself about now.... I have been tempted to have her followed to find out once and for all.... but to be honest I dont think I could handle the answer.... Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 The dreams won't stop until you've steeled yourself to face the truth about your stbx and the circumstances you find yourself in. Your subconcious mind is in a continuos grapple with your own fears and anxiety of being alone, who the mystery man is that spun your wife's head around, and what your future will look like. At this point, it doesn't matter who the mystery man is for your horse has left the barn and is out on roam. You need to get a grip on the tempest being stirred up by your inner child for your emotions are continuing to run amuck and now control your adult rationale. You must discipline your inner child to calm its temper tantrums down, focus on the good you've achieved in your life, and accept and embrace the new landscape of your future just as you would your own child if she became hysterical over a favorite pet that's died or run away or, if she became afraid of the dark. Sometimes this is as easy as saying in a loud stern voice "STOP IT"! Whatever tactic you've used to discipline your daughter when her emotions became unruly will work with you for you are the tree the fruit fell from. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted December 1, 2008 Share Posted December 1, 2008 Skin, sorry I'm coming in so late on your thread. Sometimes it's hard for me to read a post like yours. I've been there and done that as you say. The same thing that happened to you, happened to me over seven years ago. The situations are very similar, with the exception that my now ex came clean a couple of weeks after the "space" speach and let me know that she had been seeing her H.S. Boyfriend on and off for the past 23 years. Two kids, a decade and a half of life, all the love and affection, all the heartache, happiness, work, joy, success, failures, all of it down the drain. Where I lived divorce is almost instant so that wasn't a big problem. The psycological problems lasted for years. Like your STBXW mine said many many horrible things, hateful untruths. She did everything she could to diminish me during the process. The things she did and said were meant to hurt me, to make her feel better knowing that I was damaged. Looking back I understand it, and know how silly her words were. It took time though. It's over now. No more dreams, no more bad thoughts, no "ruined holidays". Only a missing 25 years from my life. In hindsight I have regrets. I wouldn't take her back if she wanted me to. I still miss and will always miss the quarter century I invested. Buck up Skin. The worst is still ahead. Try and stay level headed in the years to come. I'm sorry it takes so long for you to divorce. Head up. Keep walking the line. Oh, and good luck for the future. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 1, 2008 Author Share Posted December 1, 2008 LakesideDream, so sorry to hear about what you went through but you sound much better now.. I am just starting out with my nightmare... thanks for letting me kow the worse is ahead...that is comforting to know... I do believe that all the hatefull things my wife said were just to ease her guilt in what she was doing... something to give her the strength to tear apart my family like she has.. she has hurt me bad and I know that I will most likely never let a woman do to me what she has done... I did everything for her.. gave her whatever she wanted and see see if spit in my face like this tears me up.. not caring what she is doing to my daughters in the meantime.. I dont believe mine will ever admit to an affair.... but i believe down deep there must be someone else.... but thas water under the bridge now my friend.... I have an opportunty now to make my life like I have always wanted do someothing that I have never done... hopefully soon I will be able to start moving forward... I am getting mad at what she has done to me and my family for the sake of her fat ass..... its ok,, i know in the end I will be a better man from it all... might never love again but i will be much wiser in the end... Thanks for your response LakesideDream. Skin Link to post Share on other sites
Gowithflow Posted December 2, 2008 Share Posted December 2, 2008 Buck up Skin. The worst is still ahead. Try and stay level headed in the years to come. I'm sorry it takes so long for you to divorce. Head up. Keep walking the line. Oh, and good luck for the future. That's brutal and depressing to say the least! You should change your name from "lakesidedream" to "doom and gloom". Skin- The worst is not ahead. Ask anyone who's been kicked in the balls. It gets better. You will dread the ex and she will be tormented. Link to post Share on other sites
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