n9688m Posted December 7, 2008 Share Posted December 7, 2008 She has been very hurtfull in her words towards me but i know in my heart that she would never do anything to me that would cause me to stop seeing my girls. If she were still the woman you knew then you would not be getting divorced now. That is a very naive attitude. It is particularly naive because if she gets equal custody then she will owe money to you, but if she gets primary custody then you will owe money to her. Like it or not, moral or not, this will be a driving factor in her decision-making. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 7, 2008 Author Share Posted December 7, 2008 Skinman, At the risk of seeming unsympathetic (which I am not), I think you are being really naive with reduced self-confidence and your soon-ex wife is taking advantage of this. Hire a lawyer - really quickly. Get af formal custody agreement. Get child support. And fight this move. If you don't, you may find that YOU will be subsidizing your wife's move to California as she steals your kids across the country and makes you pay chidl support as a non-custodial parent. I repeat - I think you are very naive and susceptible to being taken advantage of due to your sadness - and your wife is exploiting that bigtime. Not only will that remove you from your children, but the money you wife extracts from you in the future may be far more than what you pay to a lawyer now. On top of that - you can always earn more money. You can always replace your wife. You can never replace your kids. Don't surrender them - fight this with every dollar you have and every dollar you can beg, steal, or borrow. And make it known to your wife that you will do so. Not "maybe" you will "try" for joint custody - rather, you are "certain" you will win equal custody and you will go to the ends of the earth to achieve that. Thanks n9688m, but the idea of a fresh start is starting to appeal to me.... she wouldn't be taking them from me but we all would be relocating... not together but still as together as possible... I can think of all the exciting new things for me in California that are not here in VA... and the thing is she is not out for money... My wife is not trying to screw me like so many other wiives have done on here............ She was done with our marriage and I dont blame her for leaving... she had the balls to do it...I would have stayed miserable for the sake of our children... at least she has given us the chance to finally be happy with someone else or alone.... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 7, 2008 Share Posted December 7, 2008 but the idea of a fresh start is starting to appeal to me.... she wouldn't be taking them from me but we all would be relocating... If nothing else there are huge financial issues to be resolved and fighting the move will be sure those issues are resolved to your benefit. You are still thinking as "we" - you must start thinking instead as "me." and the thing is she is not out for money... My wife is not trying to screw me like so many other wiives have done on here............ How do you know that? at least she has given us the chance No - she hasn't "given" you anything. She has instead taken your family. Don't let her revisionist history convince you otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 7, 2008 Author Share Posted December 7, 2008 If nothing else there are huge financial issues to be resolved and fighting the move will be sure those issues are resolved to your benefit. You are still thinking as "we" - you must start thinking instead as "me." Yes there are financial issues and those will be addressed when we sell our house... other than that she wants nothing but me to be in our daughters life.. whether its here or there.. How do you know that? No - she hasn't "given" you anything. She has instead taken your family. Don't let her revisionist history convince you otherwise. Well you may be correct in that but I can admit that I wasnt happy either... We would have most likely been heading down this same path anyway whether it was me or her that made the first move.. Link to post Share on other sites
LostHusband Posted December 7, 2008 Share Posted December 7, 2008 Skinman - I really hope things will work out for you. It's hard when a STBX has set on moving away and taking the kids with. I am going through a similar situation with my STBXW, but nowhere near what you are. She informed me last week she will be moving this summer into her mother's trailer - so she can take care of her and not have to worry about paying rent. Now this was hard for me to hear because, A - its just further proof how far along my wife is compared to me, and that there really is NO chance to ever reconcille, and B - it is going to make things a lot more difficult with the back and forth with our kids. Again, I can't really compare this situation to yours, since it isn't across country, its just a couple towns over - not more than an hour away, and I've pretty much accepted that it won't be that bad. In your case though I don't know what I would do. If you have a job you can get out of and easily get into another one, relocation might not be such a bad thing. This might actually help you get over all the pain your wife has caused you. It might be great to be able to start a new life and leave the past behind. You have all the memories of your life with your wife where you are now, the house, the community, everything around you. Now you have a chance to start fresh and still be around your children and see them grow up happy. I don't know, it could end up being worse, but it does sound exciting. California eh? Can I come too?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 7, 2008 Author Share Posted December 7, 2008 If she were still the woman you knew then you would not be getting divorced now. That is a very naive attitude. It is particularly naive because if she gets equal custody then she will owe money to you, but if she gets primary custody then you will owe money to her. Like it or not, moral or not, this will be a driving factor in her decision-making. She is not out for the money.... I know that by the way we are doing things now... and if we both move chances are neither of us will have much of an income to start off with.. her businesswill take time to get going and mine i will be lucky to find work in my chosen field..... Dont think I dont appreciate all your replies but i do... I know you are only writing out of concern and experience.... It is still early in the process and i have some time to think things through and make a decision thats best for me and my daughter... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 8, 2008 Author Share Posted December 8, 2008 In your case though I don't know what I would do. If you have a job you can get out of and easily get into another one, relocation might not be such a bad thing. This might actually help you get over all the pain your wife has caused you. It might be great to be able to start a new life and leave the past behind. You have all the memories of your life with your wife where you are now, the house, the community, everything around you. Now you have a chance to start fresh and still be around your children and see them grow up happy. I don't know, it could end up being worse, but it does sound exciting. California eh? Can I come too?? Thanks LH, i appreciate you hanging with me during all of this... You are the first to think that this may indeed be a good idea... to be honest i dont know what will come of it... I do know that it excites me and scares me at the same time.. But you are right. I haved lived with my wife for 7 years in the house were at and 8 in the previous one.. going somewhere new has it advantages and disadvantages.. there will be no memories per say to keep me down and there will be a lot of new and exciting things to see and try.. California is a nice place.. we have always talked about moving out there when the kids got out of school.... each time i have visited her family out there i enjoyed myself... Besides now is the perfect time for a move like that... I love Virginia but there is only so much you can see and do......... I have always been the one to play it safe and live the status qou I think now is the onlt time that I can take a chance to better myself and my life and not lose to much except maybe some time... I am already losing my house, my wife so why not branch out and live a new experince...in a different place... Thanks for the good wishes LH.. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Can she at least give you a chance to breath and iron out the logistics because in this economy you'll run into a lot of financial uncertainty that may indeed make this proposition unfeasible at the moment, especially since the cost of living in California is said to be so high! Remember, you won't have the benefit of a combined income to accomplish this and ... what about your sons from your previous marriage? Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 8, 2008 Author Share Posted December 8, 2008 Can she at least give you a chance to breath and iron out the logistics because in this economy you'll run into a lot of financial uncertainty that may indeed make this proposition unfeasible at the moment, especially since the cost of living in California is said to be so high! Remember, you won't have the benefit of a combined income to accomplish this and ... what about your sons from your previous marriage? Thanks PP, and you are right she thinks the house will only take a couple months to sell but i have tried to tell her it will more than likely take a lot longer... I am hoping with the pofits from the house that should be enough to get me settled in Ca,. or a state close by... I dont have to move to california i know how expensive it is out there and she does to. I would much rather settle in Utah or Nevada which would still be a reasonable commute to get my girl... as for my daughter from my previous marriage I have laready asked her to move with me.. she is all for it because she doesn't like VA either... I dont know what it is with these people.. va is a beautiful state... Thnaks for your reply PelicanPreacher... I do belive that I am on the path to healing... if i can just get through this little hurdle... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 I'm wishing you the best, skin. You seem to be able to look on the bright side of things in the worst situations and that's something that will serve you well! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 8, 2008 Author Share Posted December 8, 2008 I'm wishing you the best, skin. You seem to be able to look on the bright side of things in the worst situations and that's something that will serve you well! Thanks TIY, It still scares the poop out of me even thinking about this.... not sure what will happen , but who knows might be quite an adventure !! skin Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Thanks TIY, It still scares the poop out of me even thinking about this.... not sure what will happen , but who knows might be quite an adventure !! skin Do you have a lawyer yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 8, 2008 Author Share Posted December 8, 2008 Do you have a lawyer yet? I have talked with one... but didnt have the 5,000$ that he wantes as a retainer... still shopping around Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 I have talked with one... but didnt have the 5,000$ that he wantes as a retainer... still shopping around Beg, borrow, or steal for the retainer. Or if you cannot find it - go to legal aid and file a request for support from your wife whom you said earns more than you do. If you attempt to negotiate a custody agreement, house sale, and cross-country move without legal representation - and in your current mental state - you could be in for a devastating personal tragedy financially, emotionally, and in all other ways. You are as deep as one can possibly be in with divorce issues and in no emotional state to deal with this rationally and you appear to also give far more trust to your STBXW then is likely warranted. That's a "Perfect Storm" for her to take advantage of you big-time. Yes, I know, you say she will not do so - that response of itself suggests you may be in denial in view of the facts you have already stated. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Beg, borrow, or steal for the retainer. Or if you cannot find it - go to legal aid and file a request for support from your wife whom you said earns more than you do. If you attempt to negotiate a custody agreement, house sale, and cross-country move without legal representation - and in your current mental state - you could be in for a devastating personal tragedy financially, emotionally, and in all other ways. You are as deep as one can possibly be in with divorce issues and in no emotional state to deal with this rationally and you appear to also give far more trust to your STBXW then is likely warranted. That's a "Perfect Storm" for her to take advantage of you big-time. Yes, I know, you say she will not do so - that response of itself suggests you may be in denial in view of the facts you have already stated. I disagree. This could be a great oppurtunity for self-growth. You're looking at a brand new life with a chance at adventure and excitement. Your marital situation is totally new and now you have a new chance at life. It really just depends on how far you want to take it. You could stick to your guns and alienate her further and make her an enemy, because lord knows, she deserves it. But what purpose does that serve long term. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 It really just depends on how far you want to take it. You could stick to your guns and alienate her further and make her an enemy, because lord knows, she deserves it. But what purpose does that serve long term. Getting a lawyer does not necessarily make her an enemy. If nothing else she has financial obligations to him. Moving cross-country without clarifying those obligations is foolhardy. If she is as well-intentioned as he says then she will fully understand the need for him to get an attorney. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 8, 2008 Author Share Posted December 8, 2008 Getting a lawyer does not necessarily make her an enemy. If nothing else she has financial obligations to him. Moving cross-country without clarifying those obligations is foolhardy. If she is as well-intentioned as he says then she will fully understand the need for him to get an attorney. its only been a few days that she has talked about this... if it does go on much longer yes i will consult with an attorney... but like TIY says this just may be what our marriage needs.... a different atmosphere she may see that I am willing to give up everything and move for them.. that might be what i need to try and work something out........ if i stay and let them go then its over for sure then...... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 I wouldn't just do it for them though skin. It's got to be for you as well. There is a good chance that your marriage is not going to reconcile and you should be prepared for that. Not saying that you should accept that, but you should be prepared for it. I'm concerned for you, as n9 is. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 but like TIY says this just may be what our marriage needs.... Huh? Your marraige is over. It needs a divorce - nothing else. Are you secretly hoping this move will lead to reconciliation? if i stay and let them go then its over for sure then...... Why must you "let them go"? You might well win in court. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Huh? Your marraige is over. It needs a divorce - nothing else. Are you secretly hoping this move will lead to reconciliation? Why must you "let them go"? You might well win in court. Nothing is won in court. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 8, 2008 Author Share Posted December 8, 2008 Huh? Your marraige is over. It needs a divorce - nothing else. Are you secretly hoping this move will lead to reconciliation? Well yes i have held out hope that this might help..but the more i think about your probably right... it is most likely over and i need to come to grip with that as much as i dont want to Why must you "let them go"? You might well win in court. yes you are right..you neve know what might happen.. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 Nothing is won in court. Well if she moves to California with the kids and he moves to Nevada, he may well de facto lose his parental custody rights. Bottom line - this is really silly. If you divorce you need a lawyer - certainly if you divorce and move cross-country you need a lawyer. It doesn't have to be adversarial, but to do this on a handshake with a soon-ex wife would be mindbogglingly naive. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 8, 2008 Author Share Posted December 8, 2008 I wouldn't just do it for them though skin. It's got to be for you as well. There is a good chance that your marriage is not going to reconcile and you should be prepared for that. Not saying that you should accept that, but you should be prepared for it. I'm concerned for you, as n9 is. thats the thing i dont know if a move across county would be good for me... i have a daughter and grandaughter here as wells as my father who is getting on in life.... thaks I know you all are only looking out for my best interests... I appreaite it very much to.. I just need to come to terms that it is over... as soon as i can accept that the better things for me will get... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 thats the thing i dont know if a move across county would be good for me. Then get a lawyer pronto before you wake up tomorrow and your kids are gone cross-country and she alleges you consented to it. If nothing else it is way, way too fast to be considering this. You have non clue yet what your finances would be if you stayed in Virginia. How can you possibly also add a cross-country move and job change to the mix? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 8, 2008 Share Posted December 8, 2008 I'd do it, but I'm pretty crazy. Then again I have a lot of fun and people think I'm nuts. Hah. Link to post Share on other sites
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