pelicanpreacher Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 Something makes me suspicious about this move to California for it is, after all, your wife's home turf. You'd better find out what the divorce laws are there and compare them to divorce laws in Virginia because if a move occurs before a divorce is filed then you'll be subject to the law in the state your wife has current residency. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 CA is no fault - 6 months separation - divorce. They really do not care about who abandoned who, nor who is having an affair, etc. The power of no fault beckons! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 9, 2008 Author Share Posted December 9, 2008 CA is no fault - 6 months separation - divorce. They really do not care about who abandoned who, nor who is having an affair, etc. The power of no fault beckons! Well I would make sure and get the divorce before we leave virginia if its comes to leaving... she thinks that the house will sell in no time.. she hasnt been paying much attention to the news and the housing market... I am definetely going to talk with an attorney again.. the last one I soke with was before all the talk of moving so i didnt have a chance to aks that question...... its sad that its going to come down to this... never would have thought that in the end we would end up hating each other.......after almost 16 years there doesn't seem to be any way around it though... never imagined it would ome to this........ Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 Well, there's going to be anger and angst. It's up to you if you're going to let that bring you down. Personally, I'd go with a positive outlook. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 9, 2008 Author Share Posted December 9, 2008 Well, there's going to be anger and angst. It's up to you if you're going to let that bring you down. Personally, I'd go with a positive outlook. Personally I wont be the one doing the hating..... sadly it will be her...I am trying to be positive but knowing that she isnt even thinking of me hurts.. I cant comprehend how someone could be that way...... its so against my nature to even hate... my first wife put me through H#ll but i never hated her....... even when she passed away that broke my heart too... Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted December 9, 2008 Share Posted December 9, 2008 Personally I wont be the one doing the hating..... sadly it will be her...I am trying to be positive but knowing that she isnt even thinking of me hurts.. I cant comprehend how someone could be that way...... its so against my nature to even hate... my first wife put me through H#ll but i never hated her....... even when she passed away that broke my heart too... Skin, as soon as you stop focusing on her actions towards you you will feel a h*ll of a lot better. I know it hurts you and confuses the cr@p out of you but it will never make sense so trying to make sense of it or understanding how she is doing it is useless. Who knows why people act the way they do but it is most likely going to continue and no matter how nice you are to her she is not going to come back unless she wants to and I know part of you still wants her back and thinks it will be the same and you could forgive, etc but it won't and it couldn't go back to what it was and you probably wouldn't even want it to when you really begin to think about it and realize things, again, after the smoke clears. If your wife was acting this way and it was the beginning of the relationship you would not want to continue dating, correct? Try and look at it like that. Sure, you had a history and that will never be forgotten, but for now, you need to try and do everything in your power to stop focusing on her behaviour and start focusing on you. I know it's hard and it hurts and your tired and feel worthless and ashamed and scared of change but it's worth it to examine this new found freedom and try on this new life for size. Gosh, I feel so sorry for your pain. I know how hurt you feel and I just wish we all had a magic waund to wave over each other and take it all away. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 9, 2008 Author Share Posted December 9, 2008 Thank you everyone, you all have offered suggestion after suggestion that I have either ignored or not listened to. Even knowing that you are more experienced in this than myself... I appreciate your continuing to follow and offer the same advice over and over..... By not getting frustrated by someone who admits that they are hard headed and are having a difficult time letting go of a woman who clearly has no care for me or what we had. I know that once I take back control of my emotions and begin thinking of myself in this it will get better.. its getting to that point that i am trying so hard to find peace with... So thank you all again... Some of you have the tough love and some are more understanding... I appreciate you all the same... One day i hope to be in your shoes offering advice to someone like myself... Link to post Share on other sites
LiveandLearn Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 it's going to be so weird for a while. everythign will remind you of her in some way. you'll be food shopping and see people and want to punch them because they look happy and in love and are with someoen and you are alone I just wanted to say that this made me LOL. I needed a good laugh. Plus, I HAVE felt that exact reaction. Misery does love company Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Thank you everyone, you all have offered suggestion after suggestion that I have either ignored or not listened to. Even knowing that you are more experienced in this than myself... I appreciate your continuing to follow and offer the same advice over and over..... By not getting frustrated by someone who admits that they are hard headed and are having a difficult time letting go of a woman who clearly has no care for me or what we had. I know that once I take back control of my emotions and begin thinking of myself in this it will get better.. its getting to that point that i am trying so hard to find peace with... So thank you all again... Some of you have the tough love and some are more understanding... I appreciate you all the same... One day i hope to be in your shoes offering advice to someone like myself... Skin it takes time. Hopefully, it will take less time with the input you received on LS. Many of us went it alone. We suffered through all the starts and stops, hopes... realistic and founded, waiting for our prayers to be answered, looking for "signs" our WS's were coming to their senses. It was usually all for naught, just energy wasted that we could never get back. Once a spouse checks out like yours has your only reasonable recourse is to switch to self preservation mode. Limit the damage the WS can do to you. Most want you to feel terrible. Hard to understand when they have completely trashed you and your life eh? They want you to feel worse. Try to find some peace everyday. Those moments of peace will turn into hours, then days weeks until you are free of the emotional devistation. Good luck skin, we are pullin for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 10, 2008 Author Share Posted December 10, 2008 ""There are advantages to your situation, it's just a matter of perspective and taking action. Do you have friends? Do you have family? LOL, of course you do. Use your resources to expand your life. Do things you never did before. Enjoy life. Go all out. Pamper yourself. Live to the fullest. Remember and get through the pain on your own terms, but don't dwell on the past or what could have been more than you have to. It's good to realize some issues in your personality and life that need to be answered for your own good. But feeling down and out because of someone else's choice is a complete and total waste of energy. Life is too short to worry about what you have lost. There has to be a point where you start thinking about what you have gained and what lies ahead in your future. Trust me, it's not all bad. Happiness will come back to you in ways you can never imagine. Just be strong and hang in there. The more you take care of your own life, maybe the more your wife will realize what she is missing out on. No promises there, though! LOL."" Thanks Trustinyouself, you have been here for the whole ride buddy and it took me going back and re-reading what everyone has written for me to find this and start to live it. When you posted this I was not in a place to see what you were talking about but now that i am a little farter along I can appreciate what you have written... Thanks for hanging in there in with me. Skin.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 10, 2008 Author Share Posted December 10, 2008 Try to find some peace everyday. Those moments of peace will turn into hours, then days weeks until you are free of the emotional devistation. Good luck skin, we are pullin for you. Thanks LD, I know you are pulling for me buddy... and I appreciate it.. hopefully soon I will get myself out of this fog that has clouded my judgement and I will be able to see things as they really are.... Like the ole AA slogan one day at a time... Link to post Share on other sites
LiveandLearn Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 I know you're going through A LOT right now, but if you ever find the time to read through the midst of it all, I highly recommend "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's a simple read and fairly straight forward. It pretty much tell you things you already know, but even still, it helps me stay focused on the betterment of myself and reminds me that everything else around me will fall into place. So any time I feel like crawling into a hole and just whither away, I'll pick up that book. Plus, it'll help you get your mind off all the worries and drama you are currently experiencing. I wish nothing but the best for ya! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 10, 2008 Author Share Posted December 10, 2008 I know you're going through A LOT right now, but if you ever find the time to read through the midst of it all, I highly recommend "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's a simple read and fairly straight forward. It pretty much tell you things you already know, but even still, it helps me stay focused on the betterment of myself and reminds me that everything else around me will fall into place. So any time I feel like crawling into a hole and just whither away, I'll pick up that book. Plus, it'll help you get your mind off all the worries and drama you are currently experiencing. I wish nothing but the best for ya! Thanks LiveandLearn, I have read so many books lately on relationships and what to do and what not to do one more wont hurt I guess. I appreciate your good wishes for me.. I believe my situation is to late to save this marriage and maybe if I find love again it will help with that one...... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Thanks LiveandLearn, I have read so many books lately on relationships and what to do and what not to do one more wont hurt I guess. I appreciate your good wishes for me.. I believe my situation is to late to save this marriage and maybe if I find love again it will help with that one...... Skin, Great work. Step one is realizing that the decision to continue the relationship or not isn't your option. What you believe, or want isn't important to your wife. What is important to her is what she wants to do. As a husband in todays society you don't have any "rights". The pendulum has swung. Your wife's right to divorce you is absolute. She doesen't need your permission or cooperation. There is very little likely hood that she will even feel a financial motive to remain in the marriage (as most men feel) because she has a support system waiting for her in California. Your most rational course of behavior is to do what you can now to attempt to insure open lines of communications with your daughter. Use the time you have to communicate with your wife about your desire to remain in your daughters life. Of course, in the end that may be a useless excercise. That's something else you may be forced to accept. There isn't enough talk here about the reality of divorce and the consequences. If there was, there might be more people concidering their actions more carefully, both men and women being faithful. It's probably to far down the road though. With the absoute freedom to begin and end relationships, bring children into the world without even a 50-50 chance of raising a family together (see the divorce rate), the situatio is bound to become worse before it becomes better. Knowing what I know at my age, I'm not sure I'd even be able to begin a new relationship where bringing children into the world would be a possibility. Of course.... if true love reared it's head I might reconcider. Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 I know you're going through A LOT right now, but if you ever find the time to read through the midst of it all, I highly recommend "The Four Agreements" by Don Miguel Ruiz. It's a simple read and fairly straight forward. It pretty much tell you things you already know, but even still, it helps me stay focused on the betterment of myself and reminds me that everything else around me will fall into place. So any time I feel like crawling into a hole and just whither away, I'll pick up that book. Plus, it'll help you get your mind off all the worries and drama you are currently experiencing. I wish nothing but the best for ya! This is exactly why reading self help books, books on relationships, marriage etc is so important! You may already may know the answer, but it is nice to be reminded once and awhile Also... like you said when you are down... reading something "positive" can bring you back on track... balance you out... until you can do it for yourself. I still pick up a book once and awhile..... and come on here to read. It helps remind me... where I have been, and how I don't won't to be back...... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 As a husband in todays society you don't have any "rights". The pendulum has swung. Your wife's right to divorce you is absolute. She doesen't need your permission or cooperation. There is very little likely hood that she will even feel a financial motive to remain in the marriage (as most men feel) because she has a support system waiting for her in California. This is the thought that keeps niggling the back of my mind for if the standards of settlement and support in a divorce action are grossly skewed in favor of the custodial parent by California Law then you might be in for a very rude awakening! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 This is the thought that keeps niggling the back of my mind for if the standards of settlement and support in a divorce action are grossly skewed in favor of the custodial parent by California Law then you might be in for a very rude awakening! Not only that - but if you cannot afford an attorney now in Virginia, how will you afford one in California after you move? Indeed how will you even logisticaly handle the situation of living in Nevada and hiring an attorney in California to settle this for you? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Yeah, well I had to live through it. It wasn't easy. Perspective is a big thing. Can you change your perspective to see the possibilities? Most people can not. Most people can only react. They can not create change in a positive fashion. They linger in resentment, anger, remorse, regret, and the thought they are a victim of their SO's decisions and actions. There's your 50% divorce rate, there's your 2%-3% reconciliation after "the talk". The leaver or the leavee both exhibit this behavior, just to different extents. The negative behavior, feelings, emotions, etc. left underground for so long tend to reinforce those feelings, behaviors, emotions until hope is gone, love is gone, and the relationship is dead. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Yeah, well I had to live through it. It wasn't easy. Perspective is a big thing. Can you change your perspective to see the possibilities? Most people can not. Most people can only react. They can not create change in a positive fashion. They linger in resentment, anger, remorse, regret, and the thought they are a victim of their SO's decisions and actions. I think divorce laws very much encourage this - especially alimony laws. If my STBXW wants to leave then great - get out of my life. But we have a legal system which lets a wife end her part of the marriage bargain but still require a husband to keep up his financial part of that marriage bargain. That is grossly unfair, limits moving on from an emotional perspective, and also limits moving on from a financial and logistical perspective. Ditto for child support orders in the case of upper middle class or upper class lifestyles where the child support clearly is much more than required to actually support the children. If my STBXW wants out of my life then OK great - get out of my life completely. End the marriage contract from both sides, not just one side. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 I think divorce laws very much encourage this - especially alimony laws. If my STBXW wants to leave then great - get out of my life. But we have a legal system which lets a wife end her part of the marriage bargain but still require a husband to keep up his financial part of that marriage bargain. That is grossly unfair, limits moving on from an emotional perspective, and also limits moving on from a financial and logistical perspective. Ditto for child support orders in the case of upper middle class or upper class lifestyles where the child support clearly is much more than required to actually support the children. If my STBXW wants out of my life then OK great - get out of my life completely. End the marriage contract from both sides, not just one side. I believe in equality. I'm not a fan of alimony. I agree that the financial agreement continuing after the marriage, helps to encourage many people to consider divorce and acceptable answer to marital strife. That doesn't address the underlying issues that led to the deterioration of the divorce. We feed the dynamic of disagreement and strife, when we choose not to understand our significant other's position. Feeling strongly about something, never backing down, and providing factual evidence will win arguments. They won't win love. On the flip, those same traits, are what make you so reliable, steadfast, and dedicated. The question is how to accentuate those traits in a fashion that your wife respects, without showing her the negative aspects of those traits, demanding, commanding, and non-negotiable. Being right, doesn't always engender respect, love, and companionship. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 I agree that the financial agreement continuing after the marriage, helps to encourage many people to consider divorce and acceptable answer to marital strife. Agreed. It also encourages people to enter marriages for the wrong reason to begin with if they know they can get out easily and maybe profit financially from doing so. That makes an indentured servant out of the spouse who is deserted in the marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 10, 2008 Share Posted December 10, 2008 Agreed. It also encourages people to enter marriages for the wrong reason to begin with if they know they can get out easily and maybe profit financially from doing so. That makes an indentured servant out of the spouse who is deserted in the marriage. You listen to Kanye West? Check out the song "Gold Digger". Say, we want Pre-Nup. Heh. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 11, 2008 Author Share Posted December 11, 2008 Your most rational course of behavior is to do what you can now to attempt to insure open lines of communications with your daughter. Use the time you have to communicate with your wife about your desire to remain in your daughters life. Of course, in the end that may be a useless excercise. That's something else you may be forced to accept.. Thanks LD. I know ... I have been going round and round with what I should do.. As PelicanPreacher suggested in a previous post that my wife has a support system waiting for her in California is not the way it is.. She has more family here in Virginia and only an sunt and uncle in Ca..... I dont belive that to be the reason for her decision to move... To get away from me maybe... I asked her that same question and she said no that not everything she does is meant with me in mind..... I do know that I am going to spend as much time as i can with my daughter... showing her and my wife that I do indeed need to be in her life so maybe there will not have to be a situation where I am not......... but who knows.......... I used to think my wife loved me ..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 12, 2008 Author Share Posted December 12, 2008 I wanted to share with everyone the wonderfull experience that I just had... I picked my daughter up tonight and spent the evening with her.. I made her dinner and we wrapped presents for her mom and sisters... It was a good night in the fact that we had fun and she saw how much she meant to me.... On the way home we stopped by this guys house in our neighborhood that has his xmas lights hooked up to the radio so when a song plays the lights blink to the song.. it was neat and she loved it... now to the best part... My wife was supposed to be working so I didnt think I would have to deal with her... Well come to find out she was home..... She opened the door for us and i helped carry my daughters stuff in..... Well to make a long story short i talked with her for a few minutes and asked about work she told me that she slipped a disk in her neck as i was playing with the dog.... I said "oh bummer" and continued playing with the dog..i chatted with my stepdaughter as the wife stood there watching the whole time....... I have to tell you all..... She looked like crap.... and the best part was ....... it didnt bother me one bit to talk with her all she saw was a happy guy laughing and joking with my girls and she could see the indifference on my face that I could give a crap that she was in pain......... Dang that felt great people..... I do belive that things are looking up !!!! Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 At some point, indifference will be replaced by polite indifference, indicated by empathy (as a human) for her pain (physical pain, ergo the slipped disk) and you can feel that empathy with no regret. That's, IMO, truly moving on. Regardless of the 324 posts of backstory, I think, in time, you'll agree with me.... Maybe that can be your Christmas present to her, next year Link to post Share on other sites
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