Author skinman Posted December 12, 2008 Author Share Posted December 12, 2008 At some point, indifference will be replaced by polite indifference, indicated by empathy (as a human) for her pain (physical pain, ergo the slipped disk) and you can feel that empathy with no regret. That's, IMO, truly moving on. Regardless of the 324 posts of backstory, I think, in time, you'll agree with me.... Maybe that can be your Christmas present to her, next year I agree with you now !!!! and on my way out the door I did tell her I hope her neck felt better.... I am not as heartless as she is !! but thanks for your 2 cents .... I am not saying I am there but for me this was a big step I still love my wife very much and I didnt enjoy being an a$$ but it did feel good to not let her effect my emotions... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 I'm happy to hear that. Next time, when you post, you can remove the "and she could see the indifference on my face that I could give a crap that she was in pain......... Dang that felt great people" part Remember, it's how you act when no one is watching that matters..... Hug the kids. Precious jewels they are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 12, 2008 Author Share Posted December 12, 2008 I'm happy to hear that. Next time, when you post, you can remove the "and she could see the indifference on my face that I could give a crap that she was in pain......... Dang that felt great people" part Remember, it's how you act when no one is watching that matters..... Hug the kids. Precious jewels they are. WEll the "that felt great people" wasn't meant to be about the expression on my face or the pain she was ... you misunderstood.... It felt great to not let her see how much this is bothering me...... I dont like to see my wife in pain but i wasnt going to be like she expected me to be.. all sappy and caring.. she hasnt been that way towards me... you can only take so much hate thrown your way before it starts to effect the way you feel...... go back and read some of the stuff she has said to me .... then you can tell me if you think i was still wrong..... I wasnt rude i just didnt care to let her see that i did care... thats all plain and simple Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 You didn't run to her and ask her if she was OK, you didn't offer a neck rub or offer her your assistance/help for neck. You did the right thing by acting indifferent and not reacting the way she probably (wanted) thought you would. Good job! And, ofcourse you're not doing this to be cruel to her, you do have a heart and care.. She just (right now) doesn't need to know that! You handled it perfectly and she got a taste of what life is going to be like without you in it. Ego hurt for her, and a score +1 for you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 12, 2008 Author Share Posted December 12, 2008 You didn't run to her and ask her if she was OK, you didn't offer a neck rub or offer her your assistance/help for neck. You did the right thing by acting indifferent and not reacting the way she probably (wanted) thought you would. Good job! And, ofcourse you're not doing this to be cruel to her, you do have a heart and care.. She just (right now) doesn't need to know that! You handled it perfectly and she got a taste of what life is going to be like without you in it. Ego hurt for her, and a score +1 for you! Thank you WWIU, I dont enjoy seeing my wife in pain but she didnt hesitate to cause me pain.... I am not a hatefull or spitefull person but it did feel good to know that I was in control of my emotions for once and didnt cave into my desire to be there for her..... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 OP, you're doing better than me. I'm already to the polite indifference part and I'm still married I'm not being critical, merely viewing and commenting on the process. It's a process; each step of it. All are important Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 12, 2008 Author Share Posted December 12, 2008 Like, so many of you all have said it is like a roller coaster.. yesterday I had such a good day emotionally with no epsiodes or many thoughts of my wife.... Well today is a different story.. no matter what I do thoughts of her will not leave my head.... I have tried thinking of the positives in my life now and the things I want to do but they come back..... They come back harder than before... just when I thought I was making some headway I fell further back than I was.......... Dang I wish I could string a few good days together for my sanity.... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 12, 2008 Share Posted December 12, 2008 As I'm sure you're aware, the holidays will be extremely difficult psychologically. There are other factors in play, in general, which act upon the human psyche during winter, but interpersonal strife can be especially marked. Time to get that Xanax rx refilled. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 13, 2008 Author Share Posted December 13, 2008 As I'm sure you're aware, the holidays will be extremely difficult psychologically. There are other factors in play, in general, which act upon the human psyche during winter, but interpersonal strife can be especially marked. Time to get that Xanax rx refilled. thanks... you dont have to tell me how lonely it is at thsi time of year... this is the first Christmas that I have be alone in almost 20 years....I went shopping tonight and walked around the mall looking at all the happy people, families enjoying there time together and a sudden feeling of loss came over me.. knowing that soon I would be home alone wondering what my girls might be doing, what or who my wife might be doing all these thoughts that I have tried to push away with happy thoughts and plans for my what seems now a lonely future....... I know it wont be like this forever but its hard now... I celebrated my 15th anniversary at my work this past year... every Christmas party they hand out 5,10,15 20 and 25 year plaques....I got my 15th on Wednesday night..... I couldnt enjoy my accomplishment because my wife was not there to share it with me... she has been there my whole time at this company and I came home alone...... it just didnt seem to matter that much not having her by my side...... I guess that is something that I will get used to in time........ Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 Being single and alone for many years, I don't know the emptiness you feel, even if my wife were never to come home again. I became very comfortable being alone at all time and under all circumstances, so it is possible. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 13, 2008 Author Share Posted December 13, 2008 Being single and alone for many years, I don't know the emptiness you feel, even if my wife were never to come home again. I became very comfortable being alone at all time and under all circumstances, so it is possible. I used to enjoy my alone time.... then again I knew it was only a matter of time when one of my daughters or wife would interupt my solitude.... The difference now is I dont have anyone to interupt it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 13, 2008 Author Share Posted December 13, 2008 Its been 7 weeks today that I was asked to move out.... With each day that passes I know my wife gets stronger in her determination to lead a new life as I become weaker... Its been just as long since I last held her in my arms... oh how I miss feeling her body against mine...Smelling her hair and seeing her smile.... but the smile has gone from my face knowing that what we had can and most likely will never be again.... I have tried to move on and be strong keeping thoughts of her to a minimum but its hard, so many things remind me of her and my family... Little things remind me the most... Shopping for groceries, driving trough town passing our favorite restaurant someplace I havent been to since all of this happened.... Its hard when I see her each time I get my daughter... I try and show her a strong me... someone in control of his life and moving on.. but I think she knows... She knows that I am not doing well that this is taking its toll on my health and well being.... Hopefully with the new year approaching that can be the start of a new beginning... something to look forward to a new year to do what I want if I only knew what that was...... I want my famly back.. I want my wife back... I want to fee loved again I want to feel needed but I dont....I feel thrown away, cast aside for the unknowns in life... she knows what she wants and its not me.......... Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 during winter, but interpersonal strife can be especially marked. Time to get that Xanax rx refilled. Or get out the snowshoes, ice skates, skis, something that will keep you active. Get out with friends, do things as a group. Just like last night 6 of us from DC class got together & had a great time. Being around people does help.... Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 13, 2008 Share Posted December 13, 2008 Much depends on a person's brain chemistry and situation. Situational depression is a bugger sometimes, especially during winter and around the holidays. It usually passes with time, but sometimes re-balancing with meds helps with the initiative part of getting out and being active. Most adults understand cognitively the value of socializing and exercising/enjoying a sport/hobby, but there are certain times that cognition is overridden by emotion. I think that's what I'm hearing from the OP. The other aspect is feeling "abnormal", like it doesn't happen to anyone else and one is all alone. Having a support network helps, but one does have to take the initiative to engage that network. I'm dealing with a somewhat similar situation right now so am trying to see it from both sides of the fence... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 13, 2008 Author Share Posted December 13, 2008 What I'm hearing from the OP. The other aspect is feeling "abnormal", like it doesn't happen to anyone else and one is all alone. Having a support network helps, but one does have to take the initiative to engage that network. I'm dealing with a somewhat similar situation right now so am trying to see it from both sides of the fence... Well aside from all the psychological mumbo jumbo.. I was having a rough afternoon when I posted earlier... In my small town there are limited things to do.. sure I could go and sit at a bar and have a few drinks with total strangers but thats not what I need... The thoughts of my family during this time have been difficult with the holidays coming up... as for friends I dont have many my family was my life at the time.... I did everything for them my wife was my best friend ... i didnt need anyone else because I had them for support and comfort.... Now I dont.... There are limited opportunities to socialize where I am at...I have looked for a part time job just to keep me busy... I walk I exercise but i cant do that all day... The thoughts will come and hopefully soon they will go away its not like I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself drowning my miseries.... I will admit there are times when I do get caught up in the cycle of feeling sorry and dreading another day but i wont let that get the best of me........I am not used to being alone...... I mean really alone...for almost 16 years I has someone with me whether it be a child or my wife...Its not that i feel i am the only one going through this because that is not the case...I am thinking of seeing my Doctor for some meds... who knows if it will help I am all for it.... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 Well aside from all the psychological mumbo jumbo.. I was having a rough afternoon when I posted earlier... In my small town there are limited things to do.. sure I could go and sit at a bar and have a few drinks with total strangers but thats not what I need... The thoughts of my family during this time have been difficult with the holidays coming up... as for friends I dont have many my family was my life at the time.... I did everything for them my wife was my best friend ... i didnt need anyone else because I had them for support and comfort.... Now I dont.... There are limited opportunities to socialize where I am at...I have looked for a part time job just to keep me busy... I walk I exercise but i cant do that all day... The thoughts will come and hopefully soon they will go away its not like I am sitting here feeling sorry for myself drowning my miseries.... I will admit there are times when I do get caught up in the cycle of feeling sorry and dreading another day but i wont let that get the best of me........I am not used to being alone...... I mean really alone...for almost 16 years I has someone with me whether it be a child or my wife...Its not that i feel i am the only one going through this because that is not the case...I am thinking of seeing my Doctor for some meds... who knows if it will help I am all for it.... Back to the self pity again Skin... You know you can't afford it! Sure you are going to have bad minutes even an hour here and there. Wallowing in it just makes it worse, a pity party feeds on itself until all you have is depresson. Straighten it out ! Have some fun, go see The Day the Earth Stood Still, buy popcorn, and chemical cola! Gaurenteed to be a pain free two and a half hours. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 14, 2008 Author Share Posted December 14, 2008 Back to the self pity again Skin... You know you can't afford it! Sure you are going to have bad minutes even an hour here and there. Wallowing in it just makes it worse, a pity party feeds on itself until all you have is depresson. Straighten it out ! Have some fun, go see The Day the Earth Stood Still, buy popcorn, and chemical cola! Gaurenteed to be a pain free two and a half hours. Thanks Ld, your right buddy... I need to get over this and fast... I sew her this morning when i picked up my daughter.... I can honestly say I dont know why I have been having such a hard time letting go........ This woman is pure evil and the hate I could see in her eyes pisses me off even more... She will see one day what she lost out on.... And hopefully I will soon see what I am not missing out on being with her......The new Year is going to be a good one... I have decided that will be the beginning of my new life... no feeling sorry for myself only actions to improve me and my life... Thanks LakesideDream for the tough love buddy........ BTW I cant wait to see that movie too... looks like a good one !! Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 Want to share one thing with you my friend, that is good you want to get over this but don't put a time on it, let it run it's course. You have to do the work, the grieving let the tears flow, but it does get easier with time, but you don't have to feel sorry for yourself. I had been doing so well, then I read something someone gave me & I cried harder then I have in a long time. Things will still come up & bite you but deal with them, understand why you got those emotions & the next time it will be easier. As you learn about yourself, what things "you" want then you start to notice the other person might not be that person you want to share your life with. We go in circles, you think you got something figured out & then you circle around & get hit by it again but you will make it, you can do it if you are welling to put the effort into it..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 14, 2008 Author Share Posted December 14, 2008 Want to share one thing with you my friend, that is good you want to get over this but don't put a time on it, let it run it's course. You have to do the work, the grieving let the tears flow, but it does get easier with time, but you don't have to feel sorry for yourself. I had been doing so well, then I read something someone gave me & I cried harder then I have in a long time. Things will still come up & bite you but deal with them, understand why you got those emotions & the next time it will be easier. As you learn about yourself, what things "you" want then you start to notice the other person might not be that person you want to share your life with. We go in circles, you think you got something figured out & then you circle around & get hit by it again but you will make it, you can do it if you are welling to put the effort into it..... PWS, I know what you mean... I was being optimistic.. I know I have a long road ahead of me... I want to be there for her so bad and and its hard thinking about all that she has said and done... I know I cant dwell on her actions and comments wondering how after so many years she could do this and then turn so cold... When I saw her this morning it was like someone i didnt know the way she acted towards me..... I will somehow make it through this and as you say look back and realize that maybe she wasnt all that I made her out to be... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 When I saw her this morning it was like someone i didnt know the way she acted towards me. Perhaps this is a defense mechanism for her. She needs to rationalize why she did what she did and the guilt she feels over this, particularly the impact it may have on her children. Demonizing you is thus a lot more palatable than accepting the blame herself. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 Or she may be experiencing, as yet unbeknownst to her, hormonal and chemical imbalances that affect her mood and behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 14, 2008 Author Share Posted December 14, 2008 Perhaps this is a defense mechanism for her. She needs to rationalize why she did what she did and the guilt she feels over this, particularly the impact it may have on her children. Demonizing you is thus a lot more palatable than accepting the blame herself. Perhaps nothing... I know it is... She still blames me for everything and I know she has to feel some kind of guilt... At one time she had a big heart and was a caring person... I know living with me wasn't that bad to turn her into what she has become so cold and distant.... In a sense I feel sorry for her she will have to live with what she has done to our family and myself.... I can live without the regrets that she will have to live with....... Thanks n9688m. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 14, 2008 Author Share Posted December 14, 2008 Or she may be experiencing, as yet unbeknownst to her, hormonal and chemical imbalances that affect her mood and behavior. Well PP, when we were together she was going through early menopause, so you may be right... but she is aware of it I do know that much.. she has refused to seek any help with meds or anything... someone told her once that the hormones her mom took might have been what led her to early dimentia.... at least now I wont have to deal with her losing her mind like her mom has........ Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 Perhaps nothing... I know it is... She still blames me for everything and I know she has to feel some kind of guilt... At one time she had a big heart and was a caring person... I know living with me wasn't that bad to turn her into what she has become so cold and distant.... In a sense I feel sorry for her she will have to live with what she has done to our family and myself.... I can live without the regrets that she will have to live with....... Thanks n9688m. I can relate Skin. My ex was a real "b**ch" for a couple of years after the divorce. Did her best to make my life miserable, for her own reasons. I was busy rebuilding and trying to help one of our children shake a drug problem and get on track. She was happily playing house with her BF and doing her best to be a neg. in my life. I ignored it and she eventually quit. We are quite cordial now and can discuss our wayward son's problems, and possible shared solutions via email without any ill feelings at all. It just took another 3-4 years. Nothing happens overnight. Your STBXW is dealing with her feelings and life badly. So be it. It's out of your control. Your days of being her White Knight and riding to the rescue are over. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 14, 2008 Share Posted December 14, 2008 In a sense I feel sorry for her she will have to live with what she has done to our family and myself.... I can live without the regrets that she will have to live with....... That is quite true and realizing that helped me a lot in dealing with the "unfairness" of this all. Yes my STBXW and yours were able to of their own accord devastate our lives and those of our children. It semed to me at first she was in the more desirable position since she made the choice. Yes that meant she was through many of the grief stages before I even started. But long-term, she must forever live with the guilt of what she has done but we do not. And I think the guilt of doing this to kids must be much worse than the guilt of doing it to a spouse. Sure when there is physical abuse or alcoholism or other extreme behavior the leaving spouse need not have guilt - but in other "fall out of love" scenarios I think there must be considerable guilt. Also I think a point made by one of my counselors is significant. A leaving spouse wants to put up a wall to prevent reconciliation. Every single emotion you can think of except anger brings people together - but anger pushes people apart. So that explains quite well why anger is the key emotion she is portraying now. Even if guilt is her internal emotion, she may still manifest it to you as anger. If she instead showed guilt that might prompt her to be "weak" and reconcile; only by sticking to anger can she be sure she does not break down her wall and back down on the whole divorce process. Link to post Share on other sites
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