Author skinman Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 Skin- Keep up your appearance, continue to do push-ups and know that eventually we will control this ride we are on. Tomorrow? No. Next month? Probably not. Take each minute as it comes and identify a few things around you that are positive (you can walk, you can talk, you can wrap presents, you have a roof over your head--even though it might be in a basement you are warm at night) even if that positive feeling doesn't last more than a minute. Hang in there and keep posting.... Thanks nft1976, I appreciate you taking the time to read everything from what you wrote it sounds like you did .. sorry to hear your going through the same thing as I am... at this point I dont know what else I can do other than take care of myself....From her email this morning it would seem that she is indeed trying to move on.... I will give her the freedom that she asks for I cant do anything but... I still hold out a glimmer of hope that she might change her mind but that hope is not going to stop me from doing whats right for me in the meantime... I wish you luck with your situation friend... It is tough and it does hurt but today is nothing like it was a month ago at this time... I feel like she opened my eyes some with her email... That she isnt as great as i have thought and that if it does end I will be just fine without her.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 Dang.... today is a tough day for me.... I cant get yesterdays email out of my head.... to think it has finally come to this... She cant even be my friend.... someone that for 16 years I have been there for and now she doesn't want anything to do with me... I know you all are going to give me grief and deservedly so but the thoughts wont go away.... I am trying to remain positive through all of this and look towards the future but its so darn hard.... knowing that the life I have led forever it seems is over.. Losing my wife.. my house and the life I had grown to love.... Yesterday I felt so good about this knowing that I could move on but I am struggling today... everything I see seems to remind me of some memory of my family and my wife... Wondering how she could do this and feel good about it........I wonder if she hurts and how is this affecting her ... ? At least tonight will be much easier i am picking up my daughter and making her dinner and doing some shopping.... that will pick up my spirits some..... You guys were right about some days being better than others.... man I wish today was over... and hope for a better day tomorrow... this lack of sleep is taking its toll on me ... the dreams have returned after being gone for a few days.... I wish they would quit but i dont see that happening anytime soon... thanks for reading I just had to get this out before it gets the best of me.... Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 No way would I give you any grief... you are experiencing it to the fullest extent right now. The death of your marriage, of what was, of all the hopes and dreams that might have been, of an entire lifestyle, the death of the person your stbx wife used to be. It damn hard to go through and you will make it through. Read up on the stages of grief so at least you'll understand some of what you're going through. In the stress rating scale that is often used in psychology Divorce ranks just under Death of Spouse as the mot stressful event in most peoples lives. In the last three years I've lost my mother, my father, my aunt and my uncle... the divorce was still the hardest part for me. So give yourself a break, don't beat yourself up when you're a bit weak. Sometimes you'll weep, have to let that get out of your system and then you'll stand up again and keep moving. Each time you stand up again you'll feel a bit stronger. Every time you don't let her see you sweat you'll feel a bit stronger. Every time you set a new boundary during the divorce process you'll feel a bit stronger. Every inch of progress you make in reclaiming your self and your life you'll feel better. As for sleep, get a good sweaty exercise in at least 5 times a week. That did more for sleep than anything else. Melatonin helps sometimes too. Beer and booze do not. Oh they'll help you become unconscious alright... but then you only sleep a few hours and wake up feeling like roadkill. Keep it up man, you're doing fine! We're here for ya.. it's a long road ahead but there is a light down there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 16, 2008 Author Share Posted December 16, 2008 Keep it up man, you're doing fine! We're here for ya.. it's a long road ahead but there is a light down there. thanks SumDude, its been a bear today... Woke up early from a dream and the thoughts haven't gone away yet..... I will look into the melatonin ... I have to hit walmart tonight anyway... thats depressing enough of a thought as it is... lol Thanks buddy... I am feeling a little better already..... skin Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 thanks SumDude, its been a bear today... Woke up early from a dream and the thoughts haven't gone away yet..... I will look into the melatonin ... I have to hit walmart tonight anyway... thats depressing enough of a thought as it is... lol Thanks buddy... I am feeling a little better already..... skin Excellent news Skin. Bears are easier to deal with than Fire Breathing Dragons! I can croak a bears ass no problem. You'll learn Bears too. In no time it will be "life's a coyote today", then life's a real raccoon today, finally it'll be "life was a squirrel today" and you'll have it whipped. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 Excellent news Skin. Bears are easier to deal with than Fire Breathing Dragons! I can croak a bears ass no problem. You'll learn Bears too. In no time it will be "life's a coyote today", then life's a real raccoon today, finally it'll be "life was a squirrel today" and you'll have it whipped. Thanks LD, I appreciate it buddy... I am hoping for a squirrels day tomorrow ... Tonight has been a good night.. my daughter and i cooked up some burgers wrapped a few gifts and fought the madness at Walmart... to be honest the Bear from this morning is nowhere in sight... I feel pretty good about now... The more I think about my STBXW... the more I realize what I am not missing.. tonight it was me and my baby girl having fun and not having to worry about the Ex interfering any. Damn good night... I hope it continues on into tomorrow... I know its rough road ahead but like you say string a few good ones together and they may just catch on... Thanks for hanging with me LD... your words of encouragement mean a lot....... Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Waaaaaait a minute here! You mean to say that your wife is not allowing your step-daughter to visit you along with your own? If not then all that I can say is wow, unless you've been the one to determine this arrangement! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 Waaaaaait a minute here! You mean to say that your wife is not allowing your step-daughter to visit you along with your own? If not then all that I can say is wow, unless you've been the one to determine this arrangement! Thanks PP, no thats not the case at all... My step daughter is almost 17 and you know how girls at that age are... they would rather hang with their friends than good ole dad ... But I am picking them both up on thursday and taking them to the mall to do some shopping....Should be loads of fun....... Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Good! Maintain a good relationship with your stepdaughter through this ordeal and you shall find fulfillment in your role as former husband and father in this marriage for it is easier to be easy with your own but oftimes hard to do so when they're not! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 18, 2008 Author Share Posted December 18, 2008 Good! Maintain a good relationship with your stepdaughter through this ordeal and you shall find fulfillment in your role as former husband and father in this marriage for it is easier to be easy with your own but oftimes hard to do so when they're not! I have been there for her since she was a little over 1... To think her own father who lives about 8 miles away would disown his own daughter and pretty much abandon her for his new family... It breaks my heart seeing what he has done to her and not being able to see them more when they were such a big part of my life... I was having such a good day until a little while ago.... I had been able to keep thoughts of my ex to a minimum and not let them bother me when a commercial came on about christmas .. it was one that showed the family around the dinner table eating and talking and having fun..... then it hit me....... i will be all alone this Christmas morning.... this will be the first one in almost 20 years..... Then I think of my ex... enjoying seeing the girls wake up and open there presents..... i wonder if it will feel strange to her...? or will she be happy that its just them.... Damn... why cant I just let it go and quit dwelling on what I have lost and be more optimistic to what I have gained ..... I guess the thought of being alone will do that to you..... I think I will have to go to church this Christmas morning so i wont be alone..... just might do me some good... Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 Skin, you are far too early in the process to completely let go for the life that has left you is too fresh and raw to your mind and soul to completely digest to full understanding. Know that we are here, GOD is here, and we won't let you fall by the wayside! Sing unto the Lord your praises and you shall be healed and redeemed for by walking by faith and not by sight shall you know the bounty that awaits you! Imagine GOD looking down from heaven to witness his one and only begotten son agonize 3 days before dying upon a cross for no other reason but to selflessly sacrifice himself to wash away the sins of man and maybe (just maybe) it will help you to gain perspective on just how truly bad your situation could be! Mind you, I'm not trying to preach but only trying to get you to see the whole picture for the big picture! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 18, 2008 Author Share Posted December 18, 2008 Skin, you are far too early in the process to completely let go for the life that has left you is too fresh and raw to your mind and soul to completely digest to full understanding. Know that we are here, GOD is here, and we won't let you fall by the wayside! Sing unto the Lord your praises and you shall be healed and redeemed for by walking by faith and not by sight shall you know the bounty that awaits you!! thanks PP, I know there are people out there who have much bigger problems than myself and are lonlier than I am... But your right I have so much to be thankfull for and I should appreciate what I have instead of focusing on what I have lost... Thanks friend for putting it into a better perspective for me.. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 This weekend is my families weekend, it just worked out that my sisters could all be here this weekend. Some of the group from DivorceCare are also going to be alone on Christmas day so we are getting together & going to see a movie, that way we aren't alone, we are out doing something & hopefully that will help. Maybe this is something you could do, find something else to make the day go by faster, do something you enjoy and not just set at home & think of what "they" are doing. I know it is hard, some harder then others but we still need to do whatever we can to minimize the pain. I haven't heard back but I had thrown out the idea of us all going to the Christmas program at church even though some of the group don't go to that church they just did the classes there but gives us something else to do together. I still feel you need to get a support group around you, it has really helped me out a lot. The last two Tuesday's we have met at one of the facilitators from our class & met people from other classes that are farther along so they are very supportive as well. My thoughts & prayers will be with you my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 18, 2008 Author Share Posted December 18, 2008 I still feel you need to get a support group around you, it has really helped me out a lot. The last two Tuesday's we have met at one of the facilitators from our class & met people from other classes that are farther along so they are very supportive as well. My thoughts & prayers will be with you my friend. Thanks PWSX3, they have a Divorcecare group starting on the 9th of January in my area... So thats something I plan on getting involved with.. Mondays I go to a mens prayer group its just the rest of the days and hours that i struggle with....... Thanks for your thoughts and prayers.... know that mine are with you my friend !! Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 Damn... why cant I just let it go and quit dwelling on what I have lost and be more optimistic to what I have gained ..... I guess the thought of being alone will do that to you..... I think I will have to go to church this Christmas morning so i wont be alone..... just might do me some good... It's going to take some time for all the healing to happen. Don't be disheartened, just be prepared. There's the whole year of 'firsts' that'll often take you by surprise. First x-mas without the ex, first b-day, first anniversary.. etc. I plan on going to my brother's for x-mas a few hours away. Five people will be missing that were there just a couple years ago. There will be some moments of sadness but I'll still remember to be thankful for what I do still have. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 19, 2008 Author Share Posted December 19, 2008 Wow... tonight was another tough one... I went over and got my girls for a night of dinner and shopping at the mall... The ex. asked me in and we talked for a few minutes she could see how happy and relaxed I was.. no sign at all that anything was bothering me...... Well then i looked around and noticed that every picture that i was in with my wife and family was gone......... its as if she wiped out 15 years of memories with one cleaning... That broke my heart seeing how she has removed any trace that i ever lived at the house i pretty much bought for us.... I had to leave after that because it hurt so much knowing that after all these years her memories of us are either in the trash or packed in a damn box....... I even remeber the last time she said I LOVE YOU......I can still see her now looking up from the bed as I was leaving for work... she said "you look nice today" " I love you and have a good day" I made it a habit of kissing her each morning before I left for work and wispering I love you in her ear...... how I miss that each morning... I had a good time with the girls shopping and everything but there were a few times when my emotions almost failed me... thinking of how she wiped all traces of me from the house....... man that really hurt... but i guess i have done the same thing at work... I had to remove all the picture of her.. they were to difficult to look at ....... after having such a good day yesterday this happens... man i want to crawl in a hole about now and not come out till spring.... if it was only that easy ......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 19, 2008 Author Share Posted December 19, 2008 The dreams returned again last night ... I guess after seeing her at the house she was on my mind more than usual.... The thought of her taking down all of the pictures of us bothered me more than I thought it would... I guess its to be expected but still hurt all the same... Hopefully after this weekend and Christmas things will get easier.... She looked good though.. I didnt tell her but i did notice her looking at me more than usual... I saw her out of the corner of my eye....I wonder what she was thinking........ All she saw was a happy guy playing with his dog and being confident.... I fooled her this time..... hopefully I will do the same tonight !!! Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 Well then i looked around and noticed that every picture that i was in with my wife and family was gone......... People generally do that when they have a new person in their life, as to not offend them and to show them that they are 'over' the marriage. I did the same sort of thing with OM when H and I split into separate residences. I didn't read through the middle part of the thread, but did you find out who she is seeing? I know you don't want to think in those terms, but it seems pretty clear at this point. I think that it may be that missing piece which falls into place for you and gives you that 'aha' moment. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 19, 2008 Author Share Posted December 19, 2008 People generally do that when they have a new person in their life, as to not offend them and to show them that they are 'over' the marriage. I did the same sort of thing with OM when H and I split into separate residences. I didn't read through the middle part of the thread, but did you find out who she is seeing? I know you don't want to think in those terms, but it seems pretty clear at this point. I think that it may be that missing piece which falls into place for you and gives you that 'aha' moment. Well she claims that there is no one else.... i would like to believe her but i guess you have brought up a good point....... its only been 2 months since we separated... i would hate to think that there is another man........ Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 Well she claims that there is no one else.... i would like to believe her but i guess you have brought up a good point....... its only been 2 months since we separated... i would hate to think that there is another man........ I'm not trying to be mean, but I think that there was another man long before she hit you up for that 'space'. The signs are classic. Absolutely classic. Even her behavior after the fact is predictable. She thinks (and knows) that you didn't see it because you didn't want to. So, she feels safe. At this point, even if you did find out she would lie and tell you that it was 'after you separated'. They all do that. Every single one. Rare is it a WS who is truthful about it before, during or after. H and I were completely open about what was going on (we tried an open marriage thing and it failed) and it was still painful. WS try to avoid adding insult to injury by lying and omitting things. I want more than anything for you to have that final piece fall into place so that you can hit that anger stage hard. Until you do, you will not even begin to heal from this. Your heart is an open confusing sore right now. It will take a great deal of pain before it clears and heals over. Once you see things clearly, that clarity will begin your healing process. I'm not trying to turn you into a paranoid wreck, but this is something you will want to not take your wife's word on. A spouse who asks for space like she did cannot and should not be trusted. You can bet everything you have that there is someone else. And you know what? There always is. If they weren't involved, they were planning to be. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 19, 2008 Author Share Posted December 19, 2008 I want more than anything for you to have that final piece fall into place so that you can hit that anger stage hard. Until you do, you will not even begin to heal from this. Your heart is an open confusing sore right now. It will take a great deal of pain before it clears and heals over. Once you see things clearly, that clarity will begin your healing process. If they weren't involved, they were planning to be. i have held out hope the whole time that things would be different.. maybe she would come around but now my heart hurts even more.. i have given her 15 years of my life to have this done to me is not right.... I still love her and wanted to believe in her and what we had......... now i feel worse than i ever have....... Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 Gather up your resources first, then allow the sadness in. Find out the truth. Do not go any further until you do. There is not a point in planning anything or even planning on feeling a certain way yet until you are holding all the cards. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 19, 2008 Author Share Posted December 19, 2008 Gather up your resources first, then allow the sadness in. Find out the truth. Do not go any further until you do. There is not a point in planning anything or even planning on feeling a certain way yet until you are holding all the cards. she even told me to hire a PI that they wouldnt find anything... She said go ahead if its a court fight you want...... so i dont know... . I think I should just assume that and move on and get angry..... whether or not i really find out... to be honest i dont want to know.... Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 Skinman, it would be a vital piece of information to find out. As hard as it may be to swallow, when the D comes around, that is information that you will need to have handy. Plus, you have daughters with her, just for their safety you would like to know the kind of person that would be around them. Not in an intrusive kind of way, but just for the sake of their safety. There are a lot of perverted sick people out there. Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 Skin-I was thinking about you and your situation and wondering how you were doing. I was able to catch up on your posts. Your situation is classic like the other posters have said. That is not to say that it IS happening and she is with another man. I hope that this is not the case for you. However, the probability is high for this scenario. One other possibility is that she knows that she would "look like the bad guy" if the new guy were to be found out about this soon so she may be very guarded about when/where she sees/talks to him. Even if you are separated everyone knows that if a 3rd party shows up that soon then more than likely the relationship with that person started in the marriage. My STBXW thought that she was being coy enough but I found out about the OM with a little investigative work on my own. Hiring a PI to get more information might be the way to go, but see if you can do a little more digging on your own first before you hire it out. OR, here's an another idea: Ask her in a nice, cordial manner if she is seeing someone. You know your wife and you'll pick up on any "oddities" in her response. Keep it short, simple, and non-accusatory (if that's a word? ) Here's why it could help to know: you need all the facts about a case before you make a decision. Hang in there. You are in my thoughts. One thing I wish for you is to have NC with her. Seeing as how you have the kids I don't know how that would work but I know everytime I see/hear from my STBXW it stings. EVERYTIME. NC seem to be the way to faster healing. Keep posting....this will get better. Link to post Share on other sites
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