Author skinman Posted December 19, 2008 Author Share Posted December 19, 2008 Skin-I was thinking about you and your situation and wondering how you were doing. I was able to catch up on your posts. Your situation is classic like the other posters have said. That is not to say that it IS happening and she is with another man. I hope that this is not the case for you. However, the probability is high for this scenario. One other possibility is that she knows that she would "look like the bad guy" if the new guy were to be found out about this soon so she may be very guarded about when/where she sees/talks to him. Even if you are separated everyone knows that if a 3rd party shows up that soon then more than likely the relationship with that person started in the marriage. My STBXW thought that she was being coy enough but I found out about the OM with a little investigative work on my own. Hiring a PI to get more information might be the way to go, but see if you can do a little more digging on your own first before you hire it out. OR, here's an another idea: Ask her in a nice, cordial manner if she is seeing someone. You know your wife and you'll pick up on any "oddities" in her response. Keep it short, simple, and non-accusatory (if that's a word? ) Here's why it could help to know: you need all the facts about a case before you make a decision. Hang in there. You are in my thoughts. One thing I wish for you is to have NC with her. Seeing as how you have the kids I don't know how that would work but I know everytime I see/hear from my STBXW it stings. EVERYTIME. NC seem to be the way to faster healing. Keep posting....this will get better. Thanks nft1976, the thing is my state it doesnt matter about adultry its a no fault state...spoke with my attorney... I guess If i was going to fight for custody then it might help but I believe my best bet is to move one.... Cut my losses and live for myself and my girls...... if she has someone else its his problem now.... the longer we are apart the less I tend to want her back... her famil allready suspects that she has met someone else and my family doesnt care for her so........ as long as i know it wasnt my fault I can walk away with my head held high.......... Thanks again !! thanks for keeping me in your thoughts.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 19, 2008 Author Share Posted December 19, 2008 well i just picked up my daughter the ex. wasnt home... so i wnet upstairs into our old bathroom... guess what i found.. i found a douche in the trash can.. she had her cooter shaver out on the sink also....... should i say something to her or just let it go and use this and my breakaway... man you all dont knwo how bad that hurt when i saw that...... Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 Don't say a word!! Stop talking to her about it and hire a PI. She doesn't need to know any of your thoughts on this. If she asks about the PI, just say it doesn't matter anymore..Don't let her on that you still may plan on hiring someone to see wtf she's been up to. I just HOPE that IF there is someone else, she keeps them far away from the kids. They don't need to meet or be around another man, especially right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 I'm so sorry skin! I know this is hard for you to bear, but, try and use it as a mechanism to move on. Now, you know, she's with someone else...so...it's official, it's over, time for skin to move forward from this mess. Take a deep breath and try not to let the thoughts make you sick! Hang in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused9 Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 I even remeber the last time she said I LOVE YOU......I can still see her now looking up from the bed as I was leaving for work... she said "you look nice today" " I love you and have a good day" I made it a habit of kissing her each morning before I left for work and wispering I love you in her ear...... how I miss that each morning... ......... Look in the mirror and say it to yourself. Why would you want to say that to someone who has walked all over you and replaced you in the blink of an eye. You need to learn to love yourself Skin!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 Skin, I almost spit my holiday fruit cup on my screen when I read "cooter shaver". What a cool name for it! Give thanks that you now know the truth. People here didn't "tell you so", we told you what your descriptions of the situation pointed to. It's always the same Skin. Same story, different names. Use it to help you move past all of this. Link to post Share on other sites
LucreziaBorgia Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 well i just picked up my daughter the ex. wasnt home... so i wnet upstairs into our old bathroom... guess what i found.. i found a douche in the trash can.. she had her cooter shaver out on the sink also....... should i say something to her or just let it go and use this and my breakaway... man you all dont knwo how bad that hurt when i saw that...... There would not be a point of bringing it up. She would simply lie. At this point, see it not as a time to talk but a time to walk away so that you can gather your thoughts and resources. I would definitely bust this open for all of your sakes, but it is crucial that you do not let her know that you are doing so. Do NOT confront her. The second she knows that you know, she will drive it deeper underground and gaslight you to the point of insanity. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 the thing is my state it doesnt matter about adultry its a no fault state...... Some states which are no fault still consider adultery relevant for purposes of alimony awards. Do you know how your state works in that regard? Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 20, 2008 Author Share Posted December 20, 2008 Some states which are no fault still consider adultery relevant for purposes of alimony awards. Do you know how your state works in that regard? She doesn't want alimony and I dont either... I am going to use this to get on with my life... To let go finally and move forward... thats all I can do now Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 She doesn't want alimony and I dont either... I am going to use this to get on with my life... To let go finally and move forward... thats all I can do now Didn't you say she earns more than you do? Why do you not want alimony? She has devastated your life financially - and as is slowly becoming apparent to you, she did this because of an affair. Why should she not help repair the damage that she has caused to you? Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted December 20, 2008 Share Posted December 20, 2008 Didn't you say she earns more than you do? Why do you not want alimony? She has devastated your life financially - and as is slowly becoming apparent to you, she did this because of an affair. Why should she not help repair the damage that she has caused to you? Skin, it might be fun for you to get alimony! I might try for it if I were you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 21, 2008 Author Share Posted December 21, 2008 Skin, it might be fun for you to get alimony! I might try for it if I were you! Thanks LD, you know i appreciate you replies buddy....but to be honest I still love my wife...... even after all you guys have read and commented on ...... Why dont you all offer some advice that I can sue... how do i get rid of the pain and hurt that I feel... i feel like no matter what you all say about her cheating and getting a PI wont do an damn thing to ease the hurt that i feel... i dont care about that advice now...... I feel so bad at the moement i could give a damn about getting an attorney or PI.. you all dont have a bit of compassion inside of you....... I am feeling like Sh#t and all you all want to do is bashme for not being an ass to her........... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Thanks LD, you know i appreciate you replies buddy....but to be honest I still love my wife...... even after all you guys have read and commented on ...... Why dont you all offer some advice that I can sue... how do i get rid of the pain and hurt that I feel... i feel like no matter what you all say about her cheating and getting a PI wont do an damn thing to ease the hurt that i feel... i dont care about that advice now...... I feel so bad at the moement i could give a damn about getting an attorney or PI.. you all dont have a bit of compassion inside of you....... I am feeling like Sh#t and all you all want to do is bashme for not being an ass to her........... Ouch.. not trying to be an ass. Lots of us have been exactly where you are. We know exactly how you feel. Standing tall, doing your best to survive this, isn't being an ass to her. It's trying to keep yourself in one piece until the pain wears down some. That's what everyone here wants for you. It's all we can offer. I don't know how to namby pamby around and "feel your pain for" for you. I'll leave that to someone qualified. I know what kept me alive in my darkest hours and days. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 you all dont have a bit of compassion inside of you....... I am feeling like Sh#t and all you all want to do is bashme for not being an ass to her........... I do have compassion indeed... if you don't stand up for your rights now you may very much regret this someday. It is very much in your best interest for you to be encouraged to advocate for yourself at a time like this. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 21, 2008 Author Share Posted December 21, 2008 Thanks LD & n9688m I know you guys are only trying to help with your own experiences... and dont get me wrong I apprecaite you help... I really do.. its just seems so fresh in my mind and the pain i feel over her doing this to me is something i wasn't ready for..... no offense friends... please forgive me for being so weak at a time i know that I need to be strong ... You all can tell me how strong i need to be but it isn'yt happening at this moment.... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 You all can tell me how strong i need to be but it isn'yt happening at this moment.... It sounds as if both a counselor and a lawyer would be very helpful to you to be sure your soon-ex does not take advantage of your emotional vulnerability at this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Gowithflow Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 Sounds like you just need closure. Even if you don't want it. I've been going to the book store and hanging out in the self help section. I just bought a book called " The journey from abandonment to healing" by Susan Anderson. It talks about surviving through, and recovering from, the five stages that accompany the loss of love. 300 pages. Great book! Speaks of how to turn the end of a relationship into the beginning of a new life - and love. Very enlightening book. Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 "I need space" is a code phrase for "I am in an affair and I need to have space to continue this affar." Do some snooping, you will find out that there is another man involved. The above is what I wrote in November. Your story is almost identical to many many other stories on this board where some of the betrayed spouse would defend the other spouse like crazy saying, she is very religious, etc. and later turns out that she was cheating with some guy from church. Once again, do some more snooping, you will find out that there is another man way before she told you that she needs "space." Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 21, 2008 Author Share Posted December 21, 2008 The above is what I wrote in November. Your story is almost identical to many many other stories on this board where some of the betrayed spouse would defend the other spouse like crazy saying, she is very religious, etc. and later turns out that she was cheating with some guy from church. Once again, do some more snooping, you will find out that there is another man way before she told you that she needs "space." And what good would that do for me......? as you can se I am already having a hard time with this as it is.....when doesnt really mater to me.. its the fact that she has found someone else that really hurts...... Who gives a crao when it started...I dont........ if you want to offer some advice tell me how to let go... how to remove the damn pain that I am feeling now... how to move on and put this nightmare behind me....... thats all i give a darn about right now........ now when who or for how long.......????? Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted December 21, 2008 Share Posted December 21, 2008 She asked for space and I gave it to her The last guy that asked me for space.. I locked him outside.. Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 And what good would that do for me......? as you can se I am already having a hard time with this as it is.....when doesnt really mater to me.. its the fact that she has found someone else that really hurts...... Who gives a crao when it started...I dont........ if you want to offer some advice tell me how to let go... how to remove the damn pain that I am feeling now... how to move on and put this nightmare behind me....... thats all i give a darn about right now........ now when who or for how long.......????? The earlier you found out, the earlier you would have done the exposure, the earlier you have done the exposure, the quicker the affair would have end and the quicker the affair ended, the shorter your pain last. To answer your question, in order to end the affair, you have to expose. Expose it to anyone whom your wife and this other man respect, including her parents, best friends, priest, etc. as well as his. Before you do that, you need to do more snooping and find out who he is. Now, get a plan and get to work. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 22, 2008 Author Share Posted December 22, 2008 The earlier you found out, the earlier you would have done the exposure, the earlier you have done the exposure, the quicker the affair would have end and the quicker the affair ended, the shorter your pain last. To answer your question, in order to end the affair, you have to expose. Expose it to anyone whom your wife and this other man respect, including her parents, best friends, priest, etc. as well as his. Before you do that, you need to do more snooping and find out who he is. Now, get a plan and get to work. Well her parents are for the most part dead... Her dad is dead and her mom Has alzheimers... I have told the only family that nmatters to her and they advised me i would be better off moving on.. they know her as much as i do... Most of her friends have gione through a divorce in the past 5 years and are bitter ass womem like herself....I dont care anymore about the affair,,, I want to move on and live without the pain.........Thats all ... F-her...she chose her path.. let her walk it...... I dont care to save my marriage anymore............ I want to get on with my life.. i have held out hope long enough only to be hurt time and time again..........Its time i did some of the hurting........ Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 I want to move on and live without the pain.........Thats all ... F-her...she chose her path.. let her walk it...... I dont care to save my marriage anymore............ I want to get on with my life.. i have held out hope long enough only to be hurt time and time again..........Its time i did some of the hurting........ If you're sure that's what you want, get a good divorce attorney who's going to get the best result for you financially. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 22, 2008 Author Share Posted December 22, 2008 If you're sure that's what you want, get a good divorce attorney who's going to get the best result for you financially. No its not what I want... But I dont have much choice in what my wifes decides to do.. I still love her but I have accepted the fact that she is screwing someone else and she doesnt want me back......I appreciate your response and dont mean to be an A$$......... iI have tried for 2 months only to have my heart broken more........ Read my post through and if you have anything else to offer i would appreciate the advice...... if not Merry Christmas !!! Link to post Share on other sites
ilmw Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 No its not what I want... But I dont have much choice in what my wifes decides to do.. I still love her but I have accepted the fact that she is screwing someone else and she doesnt want me back......I appreciate your response and dont mean to be an A$$......... iI have tried for 2 months only to have my heart broken more........ Read my post through and if you have anything else to offer i would appreciate the advice...... if not Merry Christmas !!! I'll add this. Once you truly "get it"... that you can not control another person's actions... and that... the longer you hold on... to something that "was"... and that other person continues to do "that" which causes you pain. You will... with out realising it... "have enough" You can only take so much... How many times will you let some one kick you in the head ... till you say... "Ok... this sucks" and move on! One day... a bubble will pop! In your mind... you will just feel different... you will have changed. You will no longer care... therefor.. you will not except the pain/crap.. you have allowed yourself to take. You will have gained back all your "power" You will get there.... ilmw Link to post Share on other sites
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