Sands_of_time Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 Skin...hang in there. I know this is a rough time. One minute you feel fine and think you've taken a step forward and the next minute you feel like you've taken 5 steps backward--right? I know you don't care about much right now, including if there is another man or not. I know you don't care about alimony or any of that other seemingly trivial stuff when you feel like an empty shell. I hear you and we know what you are talking about. Priority number one is to take away the pain you are feeling--we hear you. Don't forget that one of the real "tricks" to removing the pain is to have time pass. There is no pill or medicine for this affliction. It doesn't exist. I wish for you more than anything that someone here could steal your pain because we all know what it feels like. It's a b*tch, man. Try to strap yourself into your seat and hang on. Let it out like you are and don't hold it in. It's bumpy, yes, and sometimes it feels like the ride will never end, BUT IT WILL END. Just like the last poster said, one day the switch will be flipped and you'll start focusing your energy someplace else and eventually you'll feel indifference. Do you feel like you aren't in control of the ride you are on? I feel that way. I would bet others are feeling/have felt the same thing--like it's an uncontrollable ride. But at the end of the day remember that we can't control what another person wants/feels/acts. We can only control what WE do. We do have control of this ride we are on believe it or not, it just doesn't feel like it yet--right? Time is the remedy for this pain. I know this is a sh*t sandwich, Skin. Do you know how to eat a sh*t sandwich? One bite at a time. Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 If you want the affair to end regardless what will happen to your marriage, I suggest you find out who this OM is and expose it on his end. Let his parents, friends, pastors, etc. know that he is sleeping with your wife and wrecking a home. That is going to plant some seeds that will eventually grow too big for the affair to handle, in addition to killing the fun that secretcy brings to the affair. After exposure, it becomes a tabboo and a sin and something WRONG when everyone knows. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 22, 2008 Share Posted December 22, 2008 If you want the affair to end regardless what will happen to your marriage, I suggest you find out who this OM is and expose it on his end. Let his parents, friends, pastors, etc. know that he is sleeping with your wife and wrecking a home. That is going to plant some seeds that will eventually grow too big for the affair to handle, in addition to killing the fun that secretcy brings to the affair. After exposure, it becomes a tabboo and a sin and something WRONG when everyone knows. Excellent idea! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 I know this is a sh*t sandwich, Skin. Do you know how to eat a sh*t sandwich? One bite at a time. thanks NFT, today was a little better day than yesterday... Today I tried to keep the thoughts to a minimum and thought I did pretty good job... Found out that my daughter passed her test for her Blue belt in Tykwondo... I told her i was very proud of her.. she is half way to a black belt... I could hear her mom in the background...Its sad to say but sometimes I miss the sound of her voice.... but on those occassions I try and remember all the hatefull Sh*t she said to me..... This sucks...I dont enjoy the lonliness of my situation.. but to be honest it is getting easier to be alone.. Christmas will be hard but hopefully I can find something to do to keep me busy and the thoughts away... I tried to take Lakesidedreams advice and only think of my wife and y situation for an hour... it was hard to do for me... but the thoughst throughout the day are getting less and less..... hopefully that means something..... Link to post Share on other sites
signedin2008 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Excellent idea! But, yet, he is totally ignoring it by not even acknowledge that I mentioned it at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 But, yet, he is totally ignoring it by not even acknowledge that I mentioned it at all. Well I wasnt ignoring it but rather waiting to comment on it... I have had a good day and wanted to comment on that... I have some ideas that i will put to use in the near future with reagrds to finding out who the other guy is... Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Signedin2008 has good advice. However, I'm not sure about anyone else, but sometimes I need to hear things 2 or 3 times though before it fully sinks in. We shoud give Skin the benefit of the doubt here. Trying to incorporate EVERY piece of advice at once is too much. My father said to me in early November of this year regarding my similar situation..."she was probably seeing/talking to the OM 6-12 months before she left." That key piece of advice didn't truly sink in for me until yesterday. That's 52 days AFTER she moved out. It took that long because the situation is almost too much to comprehend. Skin--Singedin2008 has the right adivce....just stay strong. I'm glad you had a good day. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 Well today has been a struggle... I cant keep my mind of of my STBXW.. thinking and wondering how long she has been deceiving me... letting me think that she cared when in fact she was making her plans for her escape... Damn.... today is going to be a long one.... Christmas is really going to suck....... Lord give me strength today........ Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Well today has been a struggle... I cant keep my mind of of my STBXW.. thinking and wondering how long she has been deceiving me... letting me think that she cared when in fact she was making her plans for her escape... Damn.... today is going to be a long one.... Christmas is really going to suck....... Lord give me strength today........ Skinman, Don't sweat it my friend, I've been following your post and decided I would finally chime in. I'm going thru it too. My STBXW walked out 1.5 months ago, denies any affair happened, but I know better. At least you don't work with your STBxW. That's been the hardest one for me. I'm bad with making myself go to sleep and today is tough for me too. Christmas gets easier being around friends and family I would imagine. That's what I'm doing for the holidays, getting away with my parents. We still haven't divorced, but she's still talking about it all the time. Now, it's almost something I want, because I'm not a drama guy and I just want to move on with my life. I do miss the the woman that used to be my wife. Hang in there! Mountains10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 23, 2008 Author Share Posted December 23, 2008 Thank you mountains10, I feel for you to my friend.. I know what you mean about missing the woman who used to be your wife.... I also miss mine... I look at her now and I dont see snything that I fell in love with and you know that hurts... she was a good woman.... Now I look at her and think of all the things she said to me just to try and hurt me.. Just to make herself feel better with tearing our family apart... I believe it is getting easier to kill all my feelings for her... The thoughts and memories may take a lot longer but one day they will lose their power over me as will yours.... I tell you its been a tough 2 months since this all started with my seraration but like they all have told me on here i can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel... Merry Christmas to everyone who has taken time to offer advice and encouragement to me... You are all special people.... some of you more than other and you know who you are... God Bless Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted December 23, 2008 Share Posted December 23, 2008 Thank you mountains10, I feel for you to my friend.. I know what you mean about missing the woman who used to be your wife.... I also miss mine... I look at her now and I dont see snything that I fell in love with and you know that hurts... she was a good woman.... Now I look at her and think of all the things she said to me just to try and hurt me.. Just to make herself feel better with tearing our family apart... I believe it is getting easier to kill all my feelings for her... The thoughts and memories may take a lot longer but one day they will lose their power over me as will yours.... I tell you its been a tough 2 months since this all started with my seraration but like they all have told me on here i can see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel... Merry Christmas to everyone who has taken time to offer advice and encouragement to me... You are all special people.... some of you more than other and you know who you are... God Bless I haven't spilled my situation here yet, but I will one day. It's getting easier. It used to be that when I had 4 hours of sleep, my emotions would take over and I'd be miserable with trying to talk to her. Today, I'm on about 5 hours and I never felt anything. I guess, the stbxw and I had drifted further apart than I realized. Maybe I'm just feeling that much better about myself. I guess it helps that I lost 45 pounds in the last 7 months. That's more than I've ever lost and it's a great feeling. I still need to get back to the gym, but, I'm thinner now, than I have been in many years. Another thing that helped me too, was to go buy some clothes this past weekend. I started to feel old with some of the clothes I was wearing in the winter, but decided to buy some younger looking clothes (I'm 35) and got several compliments, even 1 from stbxw, which was surprising. I'm starting to see a different side of stbxw, but I know the end result will still be a divorce, but I've just come to try and accept it as it is and know that there are many women out there that need a decent guy in their life. I've always been the 'nice guy' and I won't let 1 woman change who I am. I know I can stand on my own two feet just fine without someone there beside me. I hope that in the future I can find another woman to be with and just move on with life. We all take it different ways I guess too. In the beginning, I was a wreck for a month, couldn't go long without crying. It's been about a month since I cried any and I hope that I can just move forward and be happy again. I'm sure as heck ready to start having fun in my life again. Take care skinman, have a great Christmas! Mountains10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 24, 2008 Author Share Posted December 24, 2008 Mountains10, glad to hear your getting back on track buddy...I know all about the emotions and crap.. lack of sleep and the DREAMS... man the dreams have been the worse for me...I also lost some weight about 15 lbs since it all started..... the only thing is I was thin to begin with but my appetite has returned... thats one thing I really miss about my STBXW... she was one hell of a cook.... guess some lucky bastard will be getting fat and happy now..... BTW your only 35 man... I am 44 and its a little harder when you become my age to get a half way decent lady to look at you..... Women have it so easy in that since... all they have to do is mention sex and shoot the guys all over them... oh well what can you do..... I have to tell you that I feel great today... Its like ILMW said one day it will click........ Well my friends I think today was the day !!! you know.. all my girls will be spending tomorrow with me... my 2 daughters, stepdaughter and my grandaughter... all hanging with dad... even better is i know the STBXW will probably be with her "FRIEND" and the best thing its doesnt matter.... I dont feel the pain that I have had for what seems like so long... I still cry on occassion.. the real sad thing is I only have a few pictures of my girls... I dont have anything from when they were babies on up... nothing of all the cross country trip that I have taken... Damn.. why did I have do that when everything was going so good today.... .... those are the things I cry over now.... not my wife but my lost moments.... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 I am 44 and its a little harder when you become my age to get a half way decent lady to look at you..... Women have it so easy in that since... all they have to do is mention sex and shoot the guys all over them.. I think you will find a man of 44 has a considerably easier time finding a new relationship than a woman of 44. Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 Mountains10, glad to hear your getting back on track buddy...I know all about the emotions and crap.. lack of sleep and the DREAMS... man the dreams have been the worse for me...I also lost some weight about 15 lbs since it all started..... the only thing is I was thin to begin with but my appetite has returned... thats one thing I really miss about my STBXW... she was one hell of a cook.... guess some lucky bastard will be getting fat and happy now..... BTW your only 35 man... I am 44 and its a little harder when you become my age to get a half way decent lady to look at you..... Women have it so easy in that since... all they have to do is mention sex and shoot the guys all over them... oh well what can you do..... I have to tell you that I feel great today... Its like ILMW said one day it will click........ Well my friends I think today was the day !!! you know.. all my girls will be spending tomorrow with me... my 2 daughters, stepdaughter and my grandaughter... all hanging with dad... even better is i know the STBXW will probably be with her "FRIEND" and the best thing its doesnt matter.... I dont feel the pain that I have had for what seems like so long... I still cry on occassion.. the real sad thing is I only have a few pictures of my girls... I dont have anything from when they were babies on up... nothing of all the cross country trip that I have taken... Damn.. why did I have do that when everything was going so good today.... .... those are the things I cry over now.... not my wife but my lost moments.... I hear you skinman, I had one of those 'Dreams' 2 nights ago. Just when I thought they had stopped, I had a very odd one. I won't go into it here, just very realistic dream and it was strange. The dreams were nonstop in the beginning, but they started to subside. I never told anyone about them, just thought it was the oddest thing. I guess it's just part of the stress. As for kids, I'm thankful now we didn't have any. We were trying for the last 2 years, but weren't successful. We were actually looking at adoption as an option. I can imagine it's even more stressful with kids. It was the same with me, one day it just clicked for me and I stopped the crying and the begging and pleading. For me it was only 1 month after. I still had a lot of resentment after that initial month, but it's been about 10 days since I had any resentment toward her. Maybe it's because I still see her everyday at work, but even there, I try to avoid her like the plague. Out of sight, out of mind works best for me. I wished I didn't work with her sometimes, it would be a lot easier to get over the situation. It would also be a lot easier if I wasn't so close with her extended family. It's tough because her extended family is so large and I've been friends with so many of them. I don't intend on breaking those relationships though, hopefully I can still retain some of them as friends, who knows? I'll try and keep an open mind with it. Hang in there, we're all in it together Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 Skin-Good to hear you are doing better. It's funny how our emotions start to morph from feeling sorry and hurt to resentment and anger and others. It looks like Moutain, you and I are all on a similar timeline with our STBXW's. Mine left November 1st. Within the last week I've started to feel anger creep in a bit more and my self esteem improving slightly. I've had more thoughts that go something like this...."You cheated and you want to get a divorce because you think the grass is greener on the other side? Well take care and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!" My view of her is has started to change. Although I broke down last week harder than ever so I think there is going to be periods of back and forth between grieving stages (other longtime posters on LS talked about this elsewhere). Just like you and Mountain I haven't been sleeping fully yet. I wake up around 1ish and back to sleep around 4 (still!). What a zombie! It is my X-MAS wish that this ride ends for us all sooner rather than later. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 I feel for those who were left see the good in the marriage & try to work things out to get back to that good. The one the left sees the bad & so it is easier for them to move on because they don't see the bad. It will come around for them, but it will be down the road when things aren't going as they thought it should. Sure it is greener on the other side, that is because the grass is fertilized with bulls*t!!!!! but once that goes away the grass is pretty brown. Each day is another day closer to healing, but remember it is all a process & if you try & just forget about it or try to push it to the back of your head it will find it's way back so deal with it now while it is fresh so you will be healthier down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 Skin-Good to hear you are doing better. It's funny how our emotions start to morph from feeling sorry and hurt to resentment and anger and others. It looks like Moutain, you and I are all on a similar timeline with our STBXW's. Mine left November 1st. Within the last week I've started to feel anger creep in a bit more and my self esteem improving slightly. I've had more thoughts that go something like this...."You cheated and you want to get a divorce because you think the grass is greener on the other side? Well take care and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out!" My view of her is has started to change. Although I broke down last week harder than ever so I think there is going to be periods of back and forth between grieving stages (other longtime posters on LS talked about this elsewhere). Just like you and Mountain I haven't been sleeping fully yet. I wake up around 1ish and back to sleep around 4 (still!). What a zombie! It is my X-MAS wish that this ride ends for us all sooner rather than later. Yes, almost about the same time, mine was Nov. 5th, around 10pm. Wished I didn't have such a good memory, but she was nice as could be. Said she was packing her stuff up and would be back in a couple of weeks, when I emotionally calmed down. Right. Funny thing, I thought it would be horrible when she left, but exactly the opposite happened, I changed for the better that day. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted off of me. Almost immediately I started feeling better. From that day forward, I became a lot more independant. I think she thought that I was going to beg for her to come back and at first I sorta kept wondering when she was going to move back in. She told me as soon as I signed an SA, she'd move back in, since there wouldn't be anything else to argue about. I thought and thought and said, no, I'm not signing anything until I think it all thru. Nonetheless, things got easier and I became more self sustaining and enjoyed my alone time. I had the house to myself and it became therapy for me to come home and do my own thing and take care of the house by myself. What's really ironic, is that I think we've almost changed positions over the last 2 months of this ordeal. She seems to be the one down and out lately and I'm more upbeat and active. Maybe it's just the way I see her, but she seems depressed lately and I'm the exact opposite. NFT, I hope you get thru it too, just remember, we're the good guys, and if we change for the better, then I guess it was all worth it. We'll be the happier ones in the end. I hope I never have to go thru that again in my life, it was definitely the hardest thing I've had to endure thus far. Merry Christmas my friend, Mountains 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 24, 2008 Author Share Posted December 24, 2008 Thanks guys... I appreciate all your support.. it does make it somewhat easier to know that I am not alone with what we are all going through... like you all have said some days will be stronger than others... Well yesterday was a strong one for me... today not so much the thoughts are there, the regrets and the what ifs.. I guess its the holidays that might be making it a little tougher to deal with today.. Im just not in the spirit of christmas.... I havent talked with my STBXW in almost a week.. i guess that makes it easier but I still hear her voice.. the way she called me "honey" as if she was right here.. I know I shouldn't be thinking about this kind of stuff but sometimes its hard after spedning so many years with someone you always imagined that you would still hear them.... I hope with the new year it will bring us all something fresh and new to look forward to... Thats my hope for myself anyway..I wish you all a merry Christmas... an most of all a pain free day !! Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 Yes--the Holiday's are definitely a tough one. Mountain, it's good to see that you were able to establish independent routines so quickly. I couldn't even open my drapes/curtains for the first 3 days for fear of looking outside and viewing the situation for what it was. If she came crawling back today are you at the point now where you think you would be strong enought to say No? When I broke down last week it was worse than any breakdown I've had before that. It was deep, and it was dark--lasted for about 2 days straight. My uncle called and "set me straight" and said, "listen, sometimes personalities conflict...etc and sometimes it just doesn't work out." Not the most heartfelt advice but it seemed to snap me back to an upright position. I am wondering if that huge breakdown was my realization that it IS over? I love this advice: two outcomes are possible in this: #1: She comes back asking for forgiveness or #2: The wound heals and we move on. She left so the probability says #2 is the most likely scenario and more thoughts creep in my head that hopes she DOESN'T come back and ask for forgiveness. The NC is giving me strength but I don't know if I'm there yet. I call this my "stoning" process. I think I'm about 35-40% or so. My thoughts/feelings for her are turning to stone and once I cross that "line" where ever it is, there is no going back. I pray we find our line soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 24, 2008 Author Share Posted December 24, 2008 Damn... to make a tough day even tougher i found out my STBXW is going out with her new friend tonight while my girls are here at the house with me.... Man that hurts to think so soon i was replaced and everything is going great in her mind while i struggle to cope with all that has happened.... man it breaks my heart knowing she is out screwing around so soon .......... give me strength lord....... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 Damn... to make a tough day even tougher i found out my STBXW is going out with her new friend tonight while my girls are here at the house with me. You got the kids on Christmas eve. So who got the better deal here? Link to post Share on other sites
paperchase Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 Trust me on this: as long as you are pining, she knows it. Success is the best form of revenge. You must, I repeat, must move on and act like she doesn't exist. Fake it if you have to, but you must be unphased by whatever goes on in her life. No long gazes, not conversations about the wonderful past, no signs of weakness. From what I've read, you have no chance to win her back so your focus should be on moving forward. But if you do have a chance, and please don't interpret this as me saying you do, that chance lies exclusively with your ability to remain unphased and show her you've moved on. She may love you dearly, but subconsciously she doesn't want to see you happily moving on any more than you want to see her happily moving on. Seeing you this way might not compel her to reconcile, but it sure will make you feel better and let her experience a bit of the pain you've endured. Sorry if I sound harsh, but I can't handle you with kid gloves. I've just been through a divorce. Knew her 14 years, married for 10 and have two kids: a 4 year old son and a 6 year old daughter. I was kicked to the curb when I least expected it and my wife showed no compassion. I pined through a 2 year $150K in legal fees divorce. She was narcissistic and we had a sado-mach dynamic where I was not calling the shots. Even in separation I tried to please her and give her the benefits of marriage, while she treated me like a doormat. It took a boatload of therapy to snap me back to my senses. I'm a different man now and she knows it. She doesn't want me back, but she struggles with the fact that she can no longer push my button and control me. Secretly, although I went out with desperation and pleading, she views me with a high degree of respect. And the beauty of it is, I don't even care. I no longer need her validation. I'm not saying this is your wife, but this is your life and you need to reassume control of it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 24, 2008 Author Share Posted December 24, 2008 You got the kids on Christmas eve. So who got the better deal here? Thanks N9, i guess your right but its hard to see that at this time.... we are having fun but in the back of my mind its killing me that she is out having fun while i suffer... Thanks M9... merry Christmas friend !! Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 24, 2008 Share Posted December 24, 2008 the back of my mind its killing me that she is out having fun while i suffer.. Imagine the guilt she must have now for leaving her family and choosing to spend X-mas eve with a new BF rather than with her kids. Though she may not show it, that has to be dragging on her immensely. You can get through this - she will have to deal with the guilt forever. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 24, 2008 Author Share Posted December 24, 2008 Imagine the guilt she must have now for leaving her family and choosing to spend X-mas eve with a new BF rather than with her kids. Though she may not show it, that has to be dragging on her immensely. You can get through this - she will have to deal with the guilt forever. I am sure she feels no guilt N9... I would like to think that this bothers her but I know it doesnt... she saw it as an opportunity to get out and screw her friend... thanks and i know i will eventually get over this and it wont matter but right now it hurts pretty bad.... Thanks N9........ Merry Christmas friend !! Link to post Share on other sites
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