Sands_of_time Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 Skin--I am sure she feels guilt. Probably not to thelevel that we feel hurt but nevertheless she cannot be emotionless. If you know you are a good man then it will be to her detriment that this is happening. Have you thought about having sex with another woman yet? Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 25, 2008 Author Share Posted December 25, 2008 Skin--I am sure she feels guilt. Probably not to thelevel that we feel hurt but nevertheless she cannot be emotionless. If you know you are a good man then it will be to her detriment that this is happening. Have you thought about having sex with another woman yet? Nft, Yes I have thought about it but I am not the type of man to do that to someone i dont care about...I have feeling for people... I guess if it was a whore who specialized in that that.. but no.......... I respect woman more than that.. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 Yes I have thought about it but I am not the type of man to do that to someone i dont care about...I have feeling for people... You may well find a separated woman who similarly just wants friends-with-benefits with no strings attached. Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 Yes--the Holiday's are definitely a tough one. Mountain, it's good to see that you were able to establish independent routines so quickly. I couldn't even open my drapes/curtains for the first 3 days for fear of looking outside and viewing the situation for what it was. If she came crawling back today are you at the point now where you think you would be strong enought to say No? When I broke down last week it was worse than any breakdown I've had before that. It was deep, and it was dark--lasted for about 2 days straight. My uncle called and "set me straight" and said, "listen, sometimes personalities conflict...etc and sometimes it just doesn't work out." Not the most heartfelt advice but it seemed to snap me back to an upright position. I am wondering if that huge breakdown was my realization that it IS over? I love this advice: two outcomes are possible in this: #1: She comes back asking for forgiveness or #2: The wound heals and we move on. She left so the probability says #2 is the most likely scenario and more thoughts creep in my head that hopes she DOESN'T come back and ask for forgiveness. The NC is giving me strength but I don't know if I'm there yet. I call this my "stoning" process. I think I'm about 35-40% or so. My thoughts/feelings for her are turning to stone and once I cross that "line" where ever it is, there is no going back. I pray we find our line soon. Hi NFT, No, I don't know if I could turn her away or not, if she came back at this point. It would be hard because I still care for her, I just am getting to the point where I just can't see myself going back down that road again with my feelings. I was tore up in the beginning. The first week I would find myself crying all the time. Prior to then I couldn't remember the last time I cried. The first month was probably the worst 30 days of my life. I can't remember ever being that upset about anything and for that long. I mean how would you learn to trust her again? I'm sure it's possible, but not once in 2 months has she ever said she didn't want anything different than divorce. At this point, like you, I hope she doesn't change her mind, because it would a hard decision. Good luck with the NC, I think it will work best. Hopefully you will grow stronger and she will see what she has been missing. Just keep strong my friend. Mountains10 Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 Nft, Yes I have thought about it but I am not the type of man to do that to someone i dont care about...I have feeling for people... I guess if it was a whore who specialized in that that.. but no.......... I respect woman more than that.. Skin, I'm with you on this. I don't think I could do it either. I am of the type that has to be involved with someone exclusively to be having the sex. I wish I wasn't that way, it would seem easier, but that's just me i guess. In reference to your other post, I know it's painful. I'm headed out of town today to see relatives and it was really hard to go, because for the last decade she's been with me traveling. Twice I found myself wanting to turn back. I know it's not the same as your situation with your stbxw out while you have the kids, but you have to be strong. Enjoy the time you have with those kids. I would imagine it will hit her one day like a ton of bricks, although she'll never let you see it. You know that that kind of behavior will eventually catch up with her and she'll realize how bad she screwed up. Be strong skinman, we're here for you, we're in this boat with you for the long haul brother. I wish you a merry christmas. Mountains10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 25, 2008 Author Share Posted December 25, 2008 [quote=Mountains10;1970835skinman, we're here for you, we're in this boat with you for the long haul brother. I wish you a merry christmas. Mountains10 Thank you Mountain10.... I appreciate it buddy...I talked with my wife uncle tonight and he said that he spoke with her earlier... she said my daughters were going to theor fathers for xmas eve,,,,I guess after 16 years togetjer she has forgoitten my name....pretty f-ing sad after all i have done........... I hope one day that all she has done comes back to bite her in her ass !! Thanks mountain10 merrry christmas to you pal... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas, and to let you know that there was someone in this world that cared and was thinking about you ~ and gave a damned about you! Hangin there! It does get better! You've just got to hang in there! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 25, 2008 Author Share Posted December 25, 2008 Just wanted to wish you a Merry Christmas, and to let you know that there was someone in this world that cared and was thinking about you ~ and gave a damned about you! Hangin there! It does get better! You've just got to hang in there! Thanks Gunny. it means a lot buddy... I hope one day to be able to wake up and not give a Damn about her or what she does... She is a piece of Sh*t if you ask me.....Merry Christmas buddy..... Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 Merry Christmas Skin, Something I have had trouble with is believing those who have been there, done that...... Just like Gunny said; it does get better but for me it was just hard to believe it even though those words are coming from someone that has been there... I think I can speak for all of us, we hope that our situation will be different, that we can do something different to change what will happen, that things will work out like we want them too but they don't. God has a plan for all of us & he HATES divorce but that doesn't mean our spouse believes in those rules so Skin stay on the high road, what your stbxw does you have no control over, but she will have to answer to God herself someday..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 25, 2008 Author Share Posted December 25, 2008 Merry Christmas Skin, Something I have had trouble with is believing those who have been there, done that...... Just like Gunny said; it does get better but for me it was just hard to believe it even though those words are coming from someone that has been there... I think I can speak for all of us, we hope that our situation will be different, that we can do something different to change what will happen, that things will work out like we want them too but they don't. God has a plan for all of us & he HATES divorce but that doesn't mean our spouse believes in those rules so Skin stay on the high road, what your stbxw does you have no control over, but she will have to answer to God herself someday..... Thanks PWS, Merry Christmas to you friend...I know you are right about her having to face it oneday but that still doesnt ease the pain and hurt that her actions are causing me.... hopefully soon we will all be at a better place in our lives and not care anymore.... I hope to find that place soon.. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 Thanks PWS, Merry Christmas to you friend...I know you are right about her having to face it one day but that still doesn't ease the pain and hurt that her actions are causing me.... hopefully soon we will all be at a better place in our lives and not care anymore.... I hope to find that place soon.. I know it is hard & I've been trying to do the same thing, but there actions should not bother us unless we allow it, what are spouses do is there choice, how we want to react to it is our choice. Something else I'm learning is don't run from it, deal with the hurt, the pain, the anger, it is all part of the process and you can't skip any of it or it will circle around & come back again. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 I know it is hard & I've been trying to do the same thing, but there actions should not bother us unless we allow it, what are spouses do is there choice, how we want to react to it is our choice. That is certainly true. And you know - obvious as this may be, it has taken a while for it to hit me that the truth is she does not want to be with me. Once I believe that, all else becomes easier to accept. Yes the deceit of the affair was wrong and prior to that when she was unhappy and did not say anything. But in its simplest form, why do I want to be with someone who does not enjoy being with me? Surely it is a bit more complicated because of issues with kids and finances. And there is surely no reason for me to roll over there especially since she is the one who brought this all upon us. And if there is still a place for anger, it is to be aimed at the financial negotiations in the divorce. But the relationship is over - dwelling over that is pointless and the sooner I move on to other women the better. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 Ultimately when you get down to the bottom of the pot? All it means is that you've got to get up, get out and go and find yourself someone else. What one would abuse? Another could certainly use! Once you've regained your self confidence and self esteem back you find that you want have a problem attacting other people into your life, even when your not relationship, and your telling them "No, no, no, I'm not ready for a relatonship! Now is the time to get your life together, to get your head and azz wired back together. Read, get counseling, get your finances together. Now is the time to get out of debt, pay off bills, get your finances under control. Get and put back a years worth of income,Re pay off those credit cards. Read: Mary Hunt's "DebtProof Living" and Dave Ramsey's "Complete Money Makeover" and Google their website. Listen to Dave's daily radio program. Read "A Dummy's Guide To Repairing Your Credit" (Even if you have perfect credit ~ a lot news you could use about how the credit system workis) Now is the time to join a gym, and learn about nutrition. Read "Eat This Not This" By going to a gym 5X's a week for a hour to an hour and half a day you'll look better, feel better, sleep better. You don't have to become an Arnold or Slyvester, just go in an pump so low weights 3X's 15 reps (times) each and get your happy azz on the tread meal for thirty minutes at your own pace. Screw what anyone else thinks. Read and learn about romance, how to be romantic, relationships, body language, seducation, massage. When it comes to dating, mating, marriage, interpersonal relationships, personal finances your own your own. None of the above is taught anywhere, and its assumed that it common knowledge/sense which is why so many of us are so lousy at all of it! Link to post Share on other sites
You'reasian Posted December 25, 2008 Share Posted December 25, 2008 God bless you, Gunny. I knew there was a reason I respected Marines you guys can do a lot with a little. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 26, 2008 Author Share Posted December 26, 2008 Thanks for the great advice Gunny !! Today turned out to be a pretty good day for me.. My oldest daughter spent the day with me and we visited some relatives I havent seen in years do to my STBXW not liking them... it was a nice visit... as for thoughts of her i kept them to a minimum of any.... hopefully that is some progress but you never know with the ride that we all on which way it will go each day.... Hope everyine had the best Christmas thata they possibly could... Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted December 26, 2008 Share Posted December 26, 2008 Good to hear you had a good X-MAS, Skin. I had a few fleeting thoughts about my STBXW calling and wishing me a Merry Christmas but they soon passed. Funny thing...my home phone did ring about 12:30 P.M. or so but I didn't answer it. NO one but my mom and dad call that number (I just use a cell phone) and they were with me at the time. Makes you wonder. However, I just let the machine get it and was strong enough to let the moment pass without running to see if it was her calling. Maybe it was a wrong number, too. Who knows. I have a question for you Skin, Mountain too and anyone else whose been through this. How has your wife's family reacted to all of this? Has anyone called you/checked on you? Has any of her friends contacted you? Just wanted to get another's point of view. Hope you all had a great X-MAS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 26, 2008 Author Share Posted December 26, 2008 I have a question for you Skin, Mountain too and anyone else whose been through this. How has your wife's family reacted to all of this? Has anyone called you/checked on you? Has any of her friends contacted you? Just wanted to get another's point of view. Hope you all had a great X-MAS. Thanks NFT, to be honest most of her family has ignored me for the most part.. here are people that i have been in their lives for almost 16 years to suddenly be forgotten and ignored.. makes you wonder how someone could do that... There is a uncle of hers who is pretty much like her dad that does keep in contact with me...... funny thing is he wont even talk with her since this has all happened he is so disappointed in the way she has treated me during this that he refuses to speak to her... So I do have a little consolation that knowing they still want me in there life regardless of how my Ex. feels she even asked me to quit talking with him... I told her she wasn't going to tell me who i can and cant talk with...... i know it eats her up and probably hurts her too...... So more power to me.. my Ex. didnt call or anything.... i even sent her sorry A$$ a xmas card whcih i regret doing now..... but thats ok her power over me is fading daily.... one day soon i hope to wake up and not give a darn.... one of my friends on here has a saying......."if her hair was on fire i wouldn't piss on her to put it out"....... thats my goal NFT... hope your xmas was a good one to buddy !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted December 26, 2008 Share Posted December 26, 2008 Thanks NFT, to be honest most of her family has ignored me for the most part.. here are people that i have been in their lives for almost 16 years to suddenly be forgotten and ignored.. makes you wonder how someone could do that... There is a uncle of hers who is pretty much like her dad that does keep in contact with me...... funny thing is he wont even talk with her since this has all happened he is so disappointed in the way she has treated me during this that he refuses to speak to her... So I do have a little consolation that knowing they still want me in there life regardless of how my Ex. feels she even asked me to quit talking with him... I told her she wasn't going to tell me who i can and cant talk with...... i know it eats her up and probably hurts her too...... So more power to me.. my Ex. didnt call or anything.... i even sent her sorry A$$ a xmas card whcih i regret doing now..... but thats ok her power over me is fading daily.... one day soon i hope to wake up and not give a darn.... one of my friends on here has a saying......."if her hair was on fire i wouldn't piss on her to put it out"....... thats my goal NFT... hope your xmas was a good one to buddy !!! Skin, I'm with you on the family thing. My stbxw's family and relatives are rather large. At first, I thought that I could talk to certain ones, but over time, like they say, blood is thicker than water, and certain people, you learn can't keep things to themselves. There's only 1 person I talk to now on her side that I trust and even that one, I try not to discuss too much with. I've got almost as many years invested as you. It's amazing how suddenly people you thought you could talk to, aren't interested in talking with you anymore. It really makes you wonder why people alienate you based on a situation of relationship status. I don't understand it myself. Mountains10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 26, 2008 Author Share Posted December 26, 2008 You know your right sometimes it amazes me how people can turn a cold shoulder to you after you have been a part of their lives for as long as you can remember...The sad thing is I have a huge family and my STBXW didnt like many of them so over the years i kind of lost touch with most of them but since this happeneed i have been reconnecting with them ... Yesterday I went and spent the day with my aunt and uncle who come to find out has a major stroke last year and i knew nothing about it....... wehn the call came in my STBXW never mentioned it...... What a piece of Sh#t for doing something like that... luckily he survived but he hassince lost use of his left arm... talk about feeling like a heal..... I felt about 3 inches tall after finding out this.... that right there go to show you the character of my ex.... of course i had to put up with her F-'d up family but no way she was togood for mine..... I just got off the phone with her about picking up my daughter tomorrow.... well she had the nerve to say " i kow how hurt and angry you are at all of this but we have to try and remain civil for the kids" then she said well you know oneday we will be able to be in the same room laughing and being friends......... I said yes we'll have to see about that........ not really telling her what i was thinking no way in Hell will that be the case......... What a pice of work she is Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 26, 2008 Share Posted December 26, 2008 then she said well you know oneday we will be able to be in the same room laughing and being friends......... I said yes we'll have to see about that........ not really telling her what i was thinking no way in Hell will that be the case......... What a pice of work she is The issue in my mind is not whether you will forgive her but rather whether the children will forgive her. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 26, 2008 Author Share Posted December 26, 2008 The issue in my mind is not whether you will forgive her but rather whether the children will forgive her. I have forgiven her N9... not for her but for myself... I saw daily how the bitterness of past wrongs in her life made her act... she is still bitter when I spoke with her today i could feel it coming through the phone..... I know in my heart the right thing to do is forgive her.......I will never tell her i have forgiven her......... but i will never forget and will never be her friend... when i kill all my love for her that will be it.....she will be nothing to me except my daughters mother......... and whe they are old enough to make their own mind up I will tell them exactly what she has done....... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 27, 2008 Author Share Posted December 27, 2008 Fate ... do you all belive in it ??? If you asked me this 3 months ago i would have said yes... You see me and my STBXW. dated 20 something years ago while she was in high school.. well i wasnt ready for a relationship at the time and we split up... I met my frist wife and we never saw each other again... She married another guy and spent 6 or 7 years with him.. my first marriage lasted only a couple... fast forward to 16 years ago.. well she called me up out of the blue to say hello. we hit it off like it was when we were dating..... ended up living together for a few years and then marrying....... Well that lasted almot 16 years until she kicked me out in October of this year........ well this woman was my world... I would have died for her only to find out that she was having an affair and since that day she has made my life Hell..... I guess the point is there is some sort of fate involved but you have to remeber the lord has plans for all of us...... sometime the plans dont agree with what we want he brought my wife back into my life knowing that as a result we would be blessed with a beautiful daughter and I would be the surrogate father to her daugher rasing her as my own... While her own father abandoned her... So to answer the question Yes i do belive in fate !!! but I also believe that people come into our lives just when we need them and they leave when they have done their purpose.... I am broken hearted over my wifes affair and leaving me but I know in the big picture of things that she served her purpose and it was time for her to leave....... this was a lesson to me and i have learned what it will take when that special once in a lifetime person does show up.......... I will know next time when my soulmate shows up just what to do to make her my life.......... Read what I have written and think about it........... have peace knowing that there is something better for you ahead !! you just have to BELIEVE !!! Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Ahhhhhhh, and now the mystery unfolds. It may be that your stbx still harbored resentment for the breakup so many years ago even though she initiated contact way back when. Anyways, the angels seem to be replacing the demons of your mind for I'm sensing that you are appreciating the bigger picture by viewing the antics of your stbx with eyes wide open now. You're slowly coming to recognize that she isn't really hurting you but, instead, "clowning" herself and making a complete mockery of her own life. Life goes on and c'est la vie!! Once you are completely emotionally free of her it will be much easier to concentrate on yourself and daughter to leave your stbx's foolishness in the dust. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted December 27, 2008 Share Posted December 27, 2008 Hey skin, a friend sent me a pm from our 4-wheel drive site & I thought I would share it with you. There is life after even the most hurtful times in our lives. I have had moments where I thought the end of my world had surely come. But every time I've survived it and lived to see better, brighter days. Life is so very hard. It seems at times the tests we're put through are cruel and merciless. I've discovered these moments are the times when we grow the most, and our faith is being tested. I have cursed God, screamed at Him, and basically told Him to stay away from me if He would allow me to go through such pain. Inevitably, after enough time has passed, I see that He really was with me, helping me along, bringing me to the people I needed to meet to make it through my hardships. I don't believe in luck, and I don't believe in fate. God gives us a map with many different roads to choose from. No matter which way we pick, we're still on His map, and He is with us. You are a good man, and I'm sure if you give it enough time, you'll discover that all of this nonsense had purpose and reason. What it is exactly, we just don't know until we're out of the situation looking back on it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 28, 2008 Author Share Posted December 28, 2008 Thanks PSWX3, I had been doing good the past few days with minimal thoughts of the stbxw... well I just dropped off my daughter and was heading to my car when she opened the door...she handed me some cd's with pictures on that i asked for...... well stupid me noticed how nice she was dressed.... so i asked her if she went out tonight... well she got all defensive on me and all nasty... I should have left then but no i had to stand there and ask more questions and make more accusations against her screwing around... I asked her to be honest with me so i could move on well she accused me of taping her and trying to gather evidence...... well needless to say she was pissed off.... slammed the door in my face and turned the light out on me.... at first it kind of bothered me but now I sit here a chcukle about it.... I hope that is a sign that I am indeed moving on with my life... I have to say she looked good and has lost some weight... but I also see this has taken a toll on her .. she looked older than i can remember... she even called me a psycho... for asking about her going out... of course it all was directed back at me that I am the reason...... Well f-her I will be much better off when this is done....and she will still have to live with the guilt..... Link to post Share on other sites
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