She asked for space and I gave it to her

[whichwayisup]

Her reaction IS very telling, isn't it?

 

Keep saying that to yourself, F-her. And yes, one day she will feel guilty..She'll realize that the grass isn't greener and she'll regret not giving her marriage one last try to make it work...Her loss, not yours.

 

Remember, this woman who stands infront of you now is NOT the woman you fell inlove with years ago. She has been replaced with a selfish, ME ME ME attitude and only cares about herself.

[skinman]

Her reaction IS very telling, isn't it?

 

Keep saying that to yourself, F-her. And yes, one day she will feel guilty..She'll realize that the grass isn't greener and she'll regret not giving her marriage one last try to make it work...Her loss, not yours.

 

Remember, this woman who stands infront of you now is NOT the woman you fell inlove with years ago. She has been replaced with a selfish, ME ME ME attitude and only cares about herself.

 

Thank you WWIU,

it was telling in a sense that all she did care about was herself.....she tried to make me feel like she was the victim in all of this that i shouldn't be the one feeling any pain from her doing the things she has done and said to me... Well it is her loss..... hopefully one day she will see that better yet one day i wont give a damn whether she does or not....... she even had the nerve yesterday when I spoke to her say that we can be friends and hang out for the holidays and talk and laugh.......... I could not belive my ears when she said that....... I felt like telling her "sure when hell freezes over" we can be friends !!!

 

Who needs a friend like that ??? not me......

[guttedandconfused]

Skinman, I have been reading your posts from the beginning. We have been on pretty much the same path since day one and I just wanted to say that you sound like you are in a much different place then on day one. I am in a much different place too, like you I cried every day for about 6 weeks but things are finally starting to turn a corner. And glad to hear you had a good xmas. I had the best xmas in years. I spent the day with my sister's in laws, who I could never have gone to see with the ex. It was a brilliant day, even if the party game was crawling through the dog flap and drinking far too much. I spent xmas eve with a great friend and her daughter, and even got to be on the other side of the santa fence - eating santa's mince pie and drinking his sherry.

 

I have learned an enormous amount over the past few months. They have been the incredibly hardest of my life but the sun still comes up every day and reading PWSX3's message above about how you get led to the people who can see you through this is so true. In part it has been my fantastic friends who have held my hand and dragged me through but it has also been reading thorugh your posts and feeling like I wasnt on my own in this.

 

My ex was all sweetness and light in the run up to xmas and made a big display of kissing me in front of his kids and his ex wife when I droppped him at their house on xmas day. But the fact remains that he ripped my heart out and stomped on it a bit. Its been hard but I put my heart back together again. Never again will I let him have the chance to hurt me. And I am not trying to be spiteful but he is now so upset that I am getting on. Its always been my aim to embody the lyrics of the Take That song "In the twist of separation, you excelled at being free." For a long time I didnt even know where to start but every day I find a new way to excel. For me.

 

And I have to say that this is the first New Years eve in years that I have actually been excited about. Possibilities for next year are endless but they will only be what I make them. And having grown the way I have over the past year I feel more confident then ever before to make the best of any and all opportunities that come my way this year. I hope you are looking forward to the new year in the same way. We have earned it.

 

All the best for the new year, thanks for propping me up over the past year.

[PWSX3]

A friend of mine shared with me this;

When you are in a relationship you seem to stall out, you get in a rut and do the day to day chores every day.

 

Meanwhile there is SO MUCH more out there that you are missing, so many other things going on so take the time to try something new, look down a different path that maybe you would have never done while married.

 

I'm not saying marriage isn't good, but it seems to keep us from learning & growing as a person sometimes.

 

I really am looking forward to next year, to learn more as a person, to share who I am & hopefully it will help others.

I can't believe I'm saying this but I think ILMW said it LONG time ago in one of my first threads; we don't need someone else in our life to make us happy & that is what I was doing.

 

Skin each day it gets better, keep busy & enjoy those kids.......

[skinman]

Thanks PWS and guttedandconfused,

to be honest today is diffuclt..I had a terrible night of sleeping and the dreams returned...to think that she could stand in front of me last night a lie through her teeth telling me its my paranoia that is running through my head... I asked her if she went out she flat out said no...... looking down i noticed her shoes were on... we never wore our shoes in the house.. its these little things that hurt me the most knowing she is so caught up in this guy that she will lie to my face after being together for so long...she told me to remember the good times.......I felt like telling her i will not remember anything about her once this is over with.......

 

I hope she realize one day what she has done to my grils for the sake of her own selfishness......i dont cry as much as i used to which is good... that tells me her power over me is fading and fading fast... I appreciate the good wishes for 2009..... i hope we all have a better year than this one was.....

[pelicanpreacher]

Thank you WWIU,

it was telling in a sense that all she did care about was herself.....she tried to make me feel like she was the victim in all of this that i shouldn't be the one feeling any pain from her doing the things she has done and said to me... Well it is her loss..... hopefully one day she will see that better yet one day i wont give a damn whether she does or not....... she even had the nerve yesterday when I spoke to her say that we can be friends and hang out for the holidays and talk and laugh.......... I could not belive my ears when she said that....... I felt like telling her "sure when hell freezes over" we can be friends !!!

 

Who needs a friend like that ??? not me......

 

And your Angels are busy aren't they? Tearing and tearing and tearing apart the lies of your bondage to set you free of pain again, yes?!!!

[skinman]

And your Angels are busy aren't they? Tearing and tearing and tearing apart the lies of your bondage to set you free of pain again, yes?!!!

 

I sure hope so PP... just when I think I am doing better something like this happens to set me back.... I am so tempted to write her an email telling her just how I feel about her and her wishes to remain friends... I went to church this morning for the first time in a long time... the sermon was on forgiveness..... how appropriate a subject with all thats going on.. As I sat there listening a tear came to my eye... I was thinking how could I forgive this woman for tearing my world apart for all the pain she has put me and my girls through..... I know I have written in the past that I have forgiven her but I dont know If I have....... I know its the right thing to do for myself but I just dont know If i am ready to forgive......

 

I was just going through the cd of pictures that she gave me last night.... I came across one that she had cropped me right out of the picture.... must have been the one she sent to her friend...... Damn I sure wasnt ready to see those.......why cant i get her out of my mind...after knowing all the stuff she has pulled I still cant help thinking about her....it hurts even more nowknowing that she used a picture with me in it where we were supposed to be happy.....

[PWSX3]

I am so tempted to write her an email telling her just how I feel about her and her wishes to remain friends...

This is something you need to do, but DON'T SEND IT!!!!

Write it out, get all your feelings on paper then print it out & tear it up.....It will do you a lot more good then sending it to her, she won't give a rats behind & if you send it then you will start to wonder, did she read it, what does she think, etc. etc......

I went to church this morning for the first time in a long time... the sermon was on forgiveness..... how appropriate a subject with all that's going on..

It is funny how things pop up at the right time when you really need to hear it. I know there are many things my stbxw told me but I didn't listen, but now when I hear it from someone else it really hits home.

As I sat there listening a tear came to my eye... I was thinking how could I forgive this woman for tearing my world apart for all the pain she has put me and my girls through..... I know I have written in the past that I have forgiven her but I dont know If I have....... I know its the right thing to do for myself but I just dont know If i am ready to forgive......

Forgiveness can come in different levels & at different times. You might forgive her for one thing but other things will take a while, but as you heal you will be able to forgive her completely.

I was just going through the cd of pictures that she gave me last night.... I came across one that she had cropped me right out of the picture.... must have been the one she sent to her friend...... Damn I sure wasnt ready to see those.......why cant i get her out of my mind...after knowing all the stuff she has pulled I still cant help thinking about her....it hurts even more now knowing that she used a picture with me in it where we were supposed to be happy.....

Dude, you are way to hard on yourself.

I have pictures still of the stbxw in the house, I don't have any hanging but they are in boxes. I had asked my counselor about it & he said; I should look at pictures of her once in a while, it helps with the grieving process......

 

You don't know what she used that picture for so why are you getting yourself all worked up??????

I have also really struggled with wondering what she is doing, why she is doing what she is, but after a while you just get tired of it.

 

I highly recommend you work on yourself. Once you start doing that it really makes a lot of that stinking thinking as my counselor calls it go away, it starts making since.

 

I have started to listening to more encouraging music, I don't watch the news because it is all negativity, the men's group at church, hanging out with positive people all have great effect on being positive. Those thoughts you have of the stbxw are negitive & they just get you down as you are finding out.

 

Here is something to think about. (1John 2:19)

They went out from us, but they did not really belong to us. For if they had belonged to us, they would have remained with us; but their going showed that none of them belonged to us.

[whichwayisup]

I am so tempted to write her an email telling her just how I feel about her and her wishes to remain friends...

 

Now is not the time to do that..Anytime you start to feel like opening up to her, stop yourself and remember each time you've done this, what her reaction was. How many times are you going to open up abit and allow her to crap on you, hurt you all over again? Also remember, she isn't your wife as you once knew her. A cheating alien has taken over and she's changed. She isn't emotionally connected to you on the level you want her to be, so please, don't say a word to her about friendship. That will happen in time as the future continues..Let it happen naturally not forcefully. She can't demand things from you, so on this one, silence is golden.

[skinman]

Now is not the time to do that..Anytime you start to feel like opening up to her, stop yourself and remember each time you've done this, what her reaction was. How many times are you going to open up abit and allow her to crap on you, hurt you all over again? Also remember, she isn't your wife as you once knew her. A cheating alien has taken over and she's changed. She isn't emotionally connected to you on the level you want her to be, so please, don't say a word to her about friendship. That will happen in time as the future continues..Let it happen naturally not forcefully. She can't demand things from you, so on this one, silence is golden.

 

 

I just drove by my old house and she is out with him again..its funny how she gets rid of the kids a lot more now than she used to.... stupid me texted her asking if she was with him.... she never responded but i know she is.... its breaks my heart to think i have been replaced and she is with someone else.....why do i have to care so much.....why cant i just hate her for what she has done ???

[whichwayisup]

Because this is all still very new and raw for you. She changed your life and you had no say in it..It hurts! Ofcourse you still love her, and I'm sure you always will..

 

Just take things one day at a time..Sometimes one hour at a time, this way you don't feel overwhelmed and freak out about it.

 

Next time you get the urge to text her, call her, email her, whatever, POST here! The more you contact her, all it will do is give her power over you..Remain emotionless around her, that has to be your trump card so she can't control you when she feels like playing games.

 

This guy she's with is feeding her ego and she's in affairyland where everything is perfect and nobody's sh*t smells...Trust me, that sh*t WILL start to smell and she'll realize what she's done.

[skinman]

I know its still new and all but its been 2 months.. I should be further along than this..I cannot stop myself from contacting her... she knows she holds the power over me..... I have been strong in the past but lately I have been weak and powerless to her....... when i saw her last night she looked good... better than she has in a long time... i didnt say anything about it but i think she could tell i noticed......

[whichwayisup]

No more "shoulds", as that isn't going to help. 2 months is not that long!! Though sadly for you, she's been ready for alot longer, she detached a long time ago so that is why it's been easier for her to up and move on with her life.

[skinman]

No more "shoulds", as that isn't going to help. 2 months is not that long!! Though sadly for you, she's been ready for alot longer, she detached a long time ago so that is why it's been easier for her to up and move on with her life.

 

I know.. she has been telling me to move on like its easy or something.... she think that we can be friends when this is all done... there is no way that we will be friends after her lying and cheating on me........ friends dont do that to each other....

 

we used to be close with her first husband and vacationed together and all she thinks it will be like that.... theres no way in hell i will forget all that she has done...... forgive her maybe forget NO !!!!

[Sands_of_time]

Hang tough on this one, Skin. Try not to give her any more power than she deserves. Remember to remain confident in front of her and do not ask about what she is doing or who she is doing it with. Play coy without playing "games." Act as if you are indifferent but not mean. Everytime you ask her about her and her life it is feeding her ego just a bit. I try to keep this thought in mind: How would I feel if two women were pining after me? I'd feel like a stud! Even though it might not bring her back it gets her closer to real life and not affairlyland as one earlier poster mentioned. You give her power by asking about her. Remember, you are the bomb. You stood in the batters box for so many years and would have taken any pitch thrown at you. She does not have your resolve.

 

Also, can you name some of the things that you can work on about yourself? Ex. I need to let my spouse be who they are instead of trying to make them into something I want them to be. I need to work on my anger. What are yours?

 

I thought about you today as I re-painted the kitchen. Hang tough...

[skinman]

Hang tough on this one, Skin. Try not to give her any more power than she deserves. Remember to remain confident in front of her and do not ask about what she is doing or who she is doing it with. Play coy without playing "games." Act as if you are indifferent but not mean. Everytime you ask her about her and her life it is feeding her ego just a bit. I try to keep this thought in mind: How would I feel if two women were pining after me? I'd feel like a stud! Even though it might not bring her back it gets her closer to real life and not affairlyland as one earlier poster mentioned. You give her power by asking about her. Remember, you are the bomb. You stood in the batters box for so many years and would have taken any pitch thrown at you. She does not have your resolve.

 

Also, can you name some of the things that you can work on about yourself? Ex. I need to let my spouse be who they are instead of trying to make them into something I want them to be. I need to work on my anger. What are yours?

 

I thought about you today as I re-painted the kitchen. Hang tough...

 

 

Thanks NFT,

i know i need to work on my bitterness but i belive that was mainly towards my ex wife..i didnt have a lot of anger but when we talked about stuff i would defensive towards her and bitter about her accusations... I could also learn to listen better..... i was more of a hearer than a listener.... i belive that my spouse could use the same thing she has said that she doesnt like herself but blames me for the way she is.... what can i do about that....... its to the point where she will hardly talk to me... she has sent me a few texts in the past few minutes giving me crap about my smoking... said she wasnt pissed but my daughters were..... i know i need to quit but with all that has happened its to darn hard now.... She even told me it wasnt any of my business what she is doing.... said if i keep it up she wont be able to be in the same room as me...man she is going on and on with her threats .......

[pelicanpreacher]

I sure hope so PP... just when I think I am doing better something like this happens to set me back.... I am so tempted to write her an email telling her just how I feel about her and her wishes to remain friends... I went to church this morning for the first time in a long time... the sermon was on forgiveness..... how appropriate a subject with all thats going on.. As I sat there listening a tear came to my eye... I was thinking how could I forgive this woman for tearing my world apart for all the pain she has put me and my girls through..... I know I have written in the past that I have forgiven her but I dont know If I have....... I know its the right thing to do for myself but I just dont know If i am ready to forgive......

 

I was just going through the cd of pictures that she gave me last night.... I came across one that she had cropped me right out of the picture.... must have been the one she sent to her friend...... Damn I sure wasnt ready to see those.......why cant i get her out of my mind...after knowing all the stuff she has pulled I still cant help thinking about her....it hurts even more nowknowing that she used a picture with me in it where we were supposed to be happy.....

 

Ask her for the original's unless you think your stbx was stupid, petty, and trifling enough to permanently alter the negagtives?!!

[skinman]

Ask her for the original's unless you think your stbx was stupid, petty, and trifling enough to permanently alter the negagtives?!!

 

Well PP the original was with it... I have the same picture at work that show us bot in it.... the messed up thing is under the pisture she had the caption... "this is me" so i know it was used for something else... since i posted earlier she has texted me many times... she has told me that my daughter think that i am seeing someone...... can you belive that crap... she is deflecting the stuff back on me.... she said the only reason i was asking so many questions was that i was probably guilty in cheating myself........ i told her the only thing i was guilty of was caring.........

 

what a piece of work !!

[PWSX3]

Well PP the original was with it... I have the same picture at work that show us bot in it.... the messed up thing is under the pisture she had the caption... "this is me" so i know it was used for something else... since i posted earlier she has texted me many times... she has told me that my daughter think that i am seeing someone...... can you belive that crap... she is deflecting the stuff back on me.... she said the only reason i was asking so many questions was that i was probably guilty in cheating myself........ i told her the only thing i was guilty of was caring.........

 

what a piece of work !!

Don't even read them, just delete them....She is just playing with you & as you can see she is getting the better of the game.......Don't let what she does or say get to you specially in a text, just delete it.......

[skinman]

Don't even read them, just delete them....She is just playing with you & as you can see she is getting the better of the game.......Don't let what she does or say get to you specially in a text, just delete it.......

 

thanks PWS.

 

you know its to late buddy.. i have alreaduy responded to then and she has gotten fired up with my response.... its kind of hard to do when i avoided her calls but answered her text messages...

[What Now]

Skin.......

 

I feel your pain. Look at my thread, we are not that different. We have 14+ year relationships, the wives have bailed on us, we have kids and we still....somehow....after all the $hit love the girl!! I will always love her, she is/was/and will be my girl. But guess what? She doesn't feel the same and you have to get over it. It is not easy, nobody said it was. I cry almost everyday, but I have forced myself to look at tomorrow, look at the future. You have to do something for YOU! Like you, I am 44 years old, I just bought a Ninja 600 for myself, I used to ride motorcycles before I had kids and even rode a bit after them but not in the past 6 years or so.....you know what? I like to ride and damn it I am going too!! Find what you like, do what you want. It's OK to still love her but love yourself too, it aint gonna magically return to what it was last year, it's over. You have to face reality and get a move on with YOUR life!!

I don't want to come across as cruel and unfeeling, because I do feel your pain. I still love my STBXW but I know that it will never be the same and I have to go on. I am, and so should you.......anything we can do to help just ask, this silly internet is loaded with search engines for you to go off and explore!

 

[pelicanpreacher]

Whoa, I was under the impression that the ex bailed on her and abandonned his children to boot. Would you please elaborate on the history her ex had throughout your marriage?

[skinman]

Whoa, I was under the impression that the ex bailed on her and abandonned his children to boot. Would you please elaborate on the history her ex had throughout your marriage?

 

Well he didn't bail on her but he did quit seeing his daughter after she was about 7 years old...up to that point his visitation was pretty sporadic here and there.... She left him for me is pretty much they way it happened and the sad thing is the guy only lives about 8 miles from where we used to live....so in a sense i pretty much raised my stepdaughter....

[skinman]

Skin.......

 

I feel your pain. Look at my thread, we are not that different. We have 14+ year relationships, the wives have bailed on us, we have kids and we still....somehow....after all the $hit love the girl!! I will always love her, she is/was/and will be my girl. But guess what? She doesn't feel the same and you have to get over it. It is not easy, nobody said it was. I cry almost everyday, but I have forced myself to look at tomorrow, look at the future. You have to do something for YOU! Like you, I am 44 years old, I just bought a Ninja 600 for myself, I used to ride motorcycles before I had kids and even rode a bit after them but not in the past 6 years or so.....you know what? I like to ride and damn it I am going too!! Find what you like, do what you want. It's OK to still love her but love yourself too, it aint gonna magically return to what it was last year, it's over. You have to face reality and get a move on with YOUR life!!

I don't want to come across as cruel and unfeeling, because I do feel your pain. I still love my STBXW but I know that it will never be the same and I have to go on. I am, and so should you.......anything we can do to help just ask, this silly internet is loaded with search engines for you to go off and explore!

 

 

Thanks Whatnow,

 

I appreciate the words of encouragement my friend... Sorry to read about your situation myself its a shame that women seem to be able to throw it all away so easy for someone else.... but what can you do.. ??? I know I need to start working on making myself happy which is something I haven't done to good of a job doing......... I wish I had you conviction to move forward even after all that i have learned about what she is doing it still hurts so much....... take care and best wishes to you !!!

 

hope 2009 is a good one for both of us..........

[LucreziaBorgia]

Be ready for the anger stage. When it hits, it hits and hard. It took months for me to reach the anger stage. Up until that point I was in a state of what appeared to be zen, but now that I look back it was regular old shock mixed in with some denial and bargaining.

 

The stages of grief are funny that way. You think you have it all figured out, and then wham you cycle into another stage.

 

I can tell you this: when you reach indifference it is a wholly welcome thing. I reached it eventually, and let me tell you - that very thing you fought so hard to hold on to will become the cell you will be glad to have escaped from.