LakesideDream Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Thanks n9, I appreciate the vote of confidence my friend !!! and your so right she is selfish... I pray daily that one day she will come to me with a request of some kind and I can laugh in her face.....My goal is to be so happy and content in my new single life that it will eat her up... once she see's how good i look this summer when I stop by to pick up my daughter.... Cant wait each time I see her she looks older and older... I guess thats one consolation out of all of this she is aging before my eyes.... Skin, after my 25 year marriage collapsed, and the ex was shacking up on weekends with her BF (now H) I caved the first few times she came begging. No doubt it was a rush when I finally had the strength and nerve to say "NO" for the first time. I clearly remember almost a year after the divorce was final her calling for help when her car full of groceries broke down in the snow, a half mile from her apartment. I dropped what I was doing, got into the 4x4 and drove to the rescue. When I got there she literally began screaming at me as she was distraut over her suddenly unreliable transportation (I was the "car guy"), When she paused to breath I told her that I didn't have to listen to her ranting anymore, and that I would happily put her groceries back into her trunk and leave her to call a taxi and tow truck. She shut up. When I got her and the groceries to her apartment (leaving her car in the store parking lot) I told her she shouldn't call me for help anymore. That I was finished being her backstop and listening to her abuse. It only took a couple of more calls from her for her to realize that I was serious and that calling me for help during lifes small emergancies was wasted effort. By the time telling her no became easy, it wasn't fun anymore. You'll find it the same thing I bet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 Thanks LD, You know I am just looking to day when I dont care what she does.. Thats the point I am looking forward to. Last night was tough. I missed my family so much knowing that they were having a party at the house without me.. wondering whether or not they even thought of me after spending 15 new years together last night was tough. They were on my mind more than usual... It is getting easier to be alone but I relaize that its not someothing I want... I want what I had I want my family the closeness that we had knowing that they were there when I needed them. I feel so isolated from it all now. almost an after thought in their lives..Its hard to be on the outside looking in as they live their lives without me.. I know that my girls care and want to spend time with me but its been tough taking them home afterwards knowing that we should be together.. I dont necessarily miss my stbxw but I miss the whole family dynamic. hopefully as I continue to grow and get used to being alone i wont miss it as much... I dont know though I always considered myself a family man.. Now I am a broken family man... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 I always considered myself a family man.. Now I am a broken family man... No! You're a new man in the "making!" God's just not finished with you yet! Life is a work in progress. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 No! You're a new man in the "making!" God's just not finished with you yet! Life is a work in progress. Thanks Gunny..... that makes me feel a little better buddy !! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Look at my signature line Skin Upon self examination, you will find that there are parts of you that are just simply awesome and unique, the rest? You can work on! Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Last night was tough. I missed my family so much knowing that they were having a party at the house without me.. wondering whether or not they even thought of me after spending 15 new years together last night was tough. What is your current custody schedule arrangement? Are you getting as much time with the kids (without her) as she gets without you? If you spent New Year's Eve without the kids then did she spend Christmas Eve (and/or Christmas Day) without the kids? Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 What is your current custody schedule arrangement? Are you getting as much time with the kids (without her) as she gets without you? If you spent New Year's Eve without the kids then did she spend Christmas Eve (and/or Christmas Day) without the kids? She lets me have them pretty much whenever I want them. I spent Christmas eve with them and she got them christmas day... They had planned party last night for my daughters and some of their friends so I didnt want to keep them from that. I will get her this weekend though and my stepdaughter comes over pretty much whenever she wants... I will give her the stbxw credit she is being good about the girls visiting... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 She lets me have them pretty much whenever I want them. I spent Christmas eve with them and she got them christmas day. Hold on a moment - she does not "let" you have them - you start off from the position of equality. Let me ask the question another way - what percentage of overnights have been at your home vs. hers? What percentage of holiday overnights have been at your home vs. hers? I will give her the stbxw credit she is being good about the girls visiting... Hold on again there too - your kids should live with you, not just visit you. You are a father, not an uncle. Are you making sure the custody schedule reflects that? If you accept a situation now where the children live with your STBXW most of the time and sleep overnight with her most of the time and just "visit" you on occasion, then your STBXW will have established the status quo that you are now an uncle and no longer a father. Do not let that happen. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 Hold on a moment - she does not "let" you have them - you start off from the position of equality. Let me ask the question another way - what percentage of overnights have been at your home vs. hers? What percentage of holiday overnights have been at your home vs. hers? probably 70-30 they stay with her most of the time..with my job I leave the house at 4:30 each morning and have no way of getting them to school Hold on again there too - your kids should live with you, not just visit you. You are a father, not an uncle. Are you making sure the custody schedule reflects that? If you accept a situation now where the children live with your STBXW most of the time and sleep overnight with her most of the time and just "visit" you on occasion, then your STBXW will have established the status quo that you are now an uncle and no longer a father. Do not let that happen. And i disagree I am not an uncle I am her father... just because the situation where she lives with her mother more than me does not mean that I wont be a part of their life as their dad. I dont have a problem at all with her living more with my wife she has a half sister that lives with her and I am not going to do anything to disrupt the situation further than what it is. I know my daughters love me and think of me as a father and not an uncle.. if I had a job where i could keep her more than I would but thats not the case.. In my state the courts look down on granting both parents equal time at home with the kids once they reah school age. They need stability and place that feels like home and not being shuffled back and forth each week.. Link to post Share on other sites
confused71 Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Thanks for your support in my thread mate.I do wonder if these cheating wives will ever feel any remorse for what they are doing.They dont seem to care who they hurt. Like you said,we both tried to save our marriages only to have it thrown in our faces.We never gave up on our wives even when they were treating us like rubbish. How can someone you have been with for years not even wish you a happy new year:( Well best of luck to you in 2009 mate.Lets hope we win the lottery or something.That really would be the best revenge. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 Thanks for your support in my thread mate.I do wonder if these cheating wives will ever feel any remorse for what they are doing.They dont seem to care who they hurt. Like you said,we both tried to save our marriages only to have it thrown in our faces.We never gave up on our wives even when they were treating us like rubbish. How can someone you have been with for years not even wish you a happy new year:( Well best of luck to you in 2009 mate.Lets hope we win the lottery or something.That really would be the best revenge. Yes it would... You know what hurts the most is being an after thought of someone you have spent most of your life with... having them not care one way or the other how you feel, how you hurt or whether you are even alive....I would have given my life for this woman only to be told how much I am now hated .... for what ?? nothing that I have done but everything to do with what she has done.... we have been made out to be monsters by our stbxw... maybe oneday they will feel remorse for what they have done... probably not though......its their loss keep telling yourself that .... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 And i disagree I am not an uncle I am her father... just because the situation where she lives with her mother more than me does not mean that I wont be a part of their life as their dad. Sure it means that. You are permitting her mom to be the key parent and you are allowing yourself to be a secondary parent - in other words an uncle. I dont have a problem at all with her living more with my wife she has a half sister that lives with her and I am not going to do anything to disrupt the situation further than what it is. Why is it OK for her to be away from you 70% of the time so facilitate being with her step-sister 70% of the time? That does not sound right to me. You are allowing your STBXW to convince you that you are not as worthy a parent as she is and that one parent is as good as two. if I had a job where i could keep her more than I would but thats not the case.. Which is more important -your careeer or your child? They need stability and place that feels like home and not being shuffled back and forth each week.. Lots of kids spend 50% time with each parent - and they do very well. Your daughter needs both male and female role models. It sounds to me as if you are believing the negative things your STBXW is saying about you. Don't let her do that. She is establishing a precedent that may be very hard for you to undo if you let it continue. Beg, borrow, and steal for the money so you can have adequate legal counsel. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 You'll still be a family man, just minus your (ex) wife under the same roof. It'll be different, but it'll be just as good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 [/b] Which is more important -your careeer or your child? It sounds to me as if you are believing the negative things your STBXW is saying about you. Don't let her do that. She is establishing a precedent that may be very hard for you to undo if you let it continue. Beg, borrow, and steal for the money so you can have adequate legal counsel. Well for one thing have you seen the economy out there ? I am not sure where you are located but in my line of work I am lucky to have a job.. And my child is more important but without having a job that pays worth a damn what good will i be to my child... She knows how much I love her and spend as much time as possible with her... but not having a job that pays what mine does will not benefit my daughter at all.. sure i could work a couple part time jobs to be able to spend more time with her but I would rather continue doing what I am doing and be able to afford her a better life in the future.... you sound like one bitter man N9... did you get screwed out of custody or sometiing... ? my wife might be a cheating pile of crap but she was still a good mother...I have no problems with the way the arrangement is going if it were to change then i will take appropriate measures such as beg,borrow or steal to make sure my daughter continues in my life.. She thinks of me as her dad whether or not I have her half the time... that wont change. i built a relationship with my daughter while we were together that goes beyond how much time I spend with her.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 You'll still be a family man, just minus your (ex) wife under the same roof. It'll be different, but it'll be just as good. thanks WWIU... havent heard from you in a while... hope you have a great 2009... and your right !! I will one day again be a family man....minus the pain in my A$$ stbxw... My oldest daughter is thinking of moving in with me later in the year... I will have her and my granddaughter back in my life..... With my wife I wouldn't have had this opportunity to have her back with me.... so things are looking up no matter how much I miss them all... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Well for one thing have you seen the economy out there ? Yes. I repeat - which is more important, being a dad or earning money? And my child is more important but without having a job that pays worth a damn what good will i be to my child. A poor dad who spends time with his kid is better than a rich dad who does not. you sound like one bitter man N9... did you get screwed out of custody or sometiing... ? I am involved in very adversarial custody litigation at the moment as a result of a STBXW who has played all sorts of legal games. Fortunately at the moment the family court realizes what she has done and thus I am with my kids more than half of the days at present. It certainly helps that my work is such that I can adjust my hours however needed and I can do much work at home. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 Yes. I repeat - which is more important, being a dad or earning money? Well being a dad of course... but to able to afford the things that I have and want for her I need to have a job that pays well.. A poor dad who spends time with his kid is better than a rich dad who does not. I spend time with my daughter every couple days when i dont have her on the weekends... I speak with her everyday sometimes couple times.. she knows how much she means to me.. I spend 3 or 4 days a week with her... even though she doesnt stay with me some of those night i still spend the time. My stbxw lets me take her every weekend for a night or 2. I am involved in very adversarial custody litigation at the moment as a result of a STBXW who has played all sorts of legal games. Fortunately at the moment the family court realizes what she has done and thus I am with my kids more than half of the days at present. It certainly helps that my work is such that I can adjust my hours however needed and I can do much work at home. Well I am sorry to hear that.. I know you were not attacking me and I am sorry for getting an attitude about it all... I dont have the luxury of working from home or the hours that will allow me to have her more.. hopefully things will change in the future and I will be able to have her as often as I like. My wife is an A$$ but she knows what her first husband not being in my stepdaughters life has done to her and she wont allow that to happen with our daughter.. She even said she was afraid that i would not put much effort into continuing being a dad to both.. You are right I am taking a chance that I might be setting a bad precedence but i would rather do that then have my daughters feel that they are caught in a nasty custody battle.. I lived that with my first marriage and dont want that to happen this time. My first wife made my life hell for years until her death.. i know how a woman can be and if I can get this divorce and be fair about everything then my girls will better off because of it. I know you will come back and say that she broke up our family and you are right.. but that doesnt mean that I have to be bitter and hatefull for what has happened... I am angry and hurt yes.... but how I feel doesnt matter its how my daughters feel and I am sure they would much rather have 2 parents be civil with each other than fighting.... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 My stbxw lets me take her every weekend for a night or 2. You really need to stop that. She does not "let" you do anything. It is both your right and obligation as a father to spend time with your child. My wife is an A$$ but she knows what her first husband not being in my stepdaughters life has done to her and she wont allow that to happen with our daughter. So why doesn't your wife get off her A$$ and contribute equally financially so you can spend equal time with your child? i know how a woman can be and if I can get this divorce and be fair about everything then my girls will better off because of it. There is nothing at all fair that you are describing. Your STBXW has become the default parent and may even unilaterally decide to take your child literally cross-country. Sure you want an amiable divorce - but not at the price of letting her step over you. I know you will come back and say that she broke up our family and you are right.. but that doesnt mean that I have to be bitter and hatefull for what has happened Correct... but you surely ought to insist on being an equal parent. In my view are now an uncle, not a father, by your description. Your chidren visit you but do not live with you. I am sure they would much rather have 2 parents be civil with each other than fighting.... The problem as I see it is that right now they only have one true parent... sorry to be tough but the truth is what it is. Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Hang in there Skin. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Skin, right now you're still so ensconced in the fog of wistful nostalgia obscuring the cracks in your life that grow wider by the day. No matter which way you crane your neck you can't see far enough ahead to confidently decide how to forge forward which makes it more comfortable staying put and looking back which endangers you as those cracks continue to race along splitting and fracturing into shards and slivers to jeopardize your future. As long as you remain in this fuge state you will accept whatever stipulations your stbx places on your new arrangement whether its in your's or your child's best interests or not. Some say the fog will lift in the passage of time while others will say anger will burn it away. I say that if you remain in it too long you can trap yourself there indefinately so beware that you don't wallow in yourself lest you lose everything you value most between the cracks that yawn around you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Its all freaking day tough and your not even divorced yet. Be careful and walk the razor's edge between doing what right, what's legit, for the STBXW, and your children, and your career. First you, (for without putting yourself first, your children would suffer) then your career, (because without it you wouldn't be able to provide for your children) and then your children ~ I'd tell the STBXW to go to Hell! Give yourself a good year or two before even thinking about getting involved with someone else and then introduce your children to them and they to them very, very slowly! Finding another woman is easy ~ finding the right woman? Not so easy! Getting into a relationship? Easy as eating pie! Maintaining one? Another ballgame all together ~ and getting out of one can be difficult as I'm sure your finding out well enough on your own. Hang in there Skin! I'm so glad I'm the otherside of all this BS! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 Give yourself a good year or two before even thinking about getting involved with someone else and then introduce your children to them and they to them very, very slowly! Thanks Gunny !! I have no plans on even looking for another woman anytime soon.... There are to many things I want to do for myself before I even think of venturing down that road. Besides I have no plans on giving up half my stuff again.. I can honestly say at this point in my life this has got me thinking hard if I will ever allow another woman to get as close as I let my stbxw get with me. I would have done anything for that woman and to be treated the way she has treated me is beyond belief... I cannot wait for the day a thought of her doesn't cross my mind...then i know i will be on the road to putting this nightmare behind me...... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 That day will never come, you don't crawl out from underneath a train wreck having survied it and just forget it. Once you've dance with the devil, you don't change him ~ he changes you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 That day will never come, you don't crawl out from underneath a train wreck having survied it and just forget it. Once you've dance with the devil, you don't change him ~ he changes you! well Gunny that is not what I wanted to hear buddy... I wanted you to tell me that there will come a day that she wont be a thought or a care for her inside...She doesn't deserve to be on my mind like she is.. She deserves to be forgotten and nothing less... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 What more than likely will help is you will one day kiss the lips of another woman and forget all about her. With whom you will have a better relationship with because you're more experienced in dealing with a relationships. You won't repeat the mistakes of your past relationships, you will value her, appreciate her, and not take one second for granted. Better yet, make that lots of women. You won't ever totally forget her, because the pain of having been burned won't let you forget. Its been eighteen years since I got divorced, and while I'm no longer in love with my XHEX, all that is left is a very strong to NEVER even date anyone remotely like her ever again. Per the general population I've got more to offer most women than most women have got to offer me, and I'm not hard-up to be in a relationship just to be in one. If any thing its made me more selective. A woman has to bring one hell of a lot more to the table than just being a woman for me to get with her. I'm very select in and with whom I invest my precisious time, effort, energy and money with. You'll get there in time. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts