Sands_of_time Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 What more than likely will help is you will one day kiss the lips of another woman and forget all about her. What scares the sh*t out of me is that you don't know how the new someone we meet in the future is going to act 1 or 2 years into the relationship. The first year (maybe 2 if you get lucky) is the honeymoon period. Then after that it's the same old toast for breakfast--for both parties. How are we to ever know if they are going to be able to stick it out after the hormones die down and committment sets in? It seems it's a crapshoot. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 What scares the sh*t out of me is that you don't know how the new someone we meet in the future is going to act 1 or 2 years into the relationship. The first year (maybe 2 if you get lucky) is the honeymoon period. Then after that it's the same old toast for breakfast--for both parties. How are we to ever know if they are going to be able to stick it out after the hormones die down and committment sets in? It seems it's a crapshoot. You won't ever know, at some points in life you have to take a leap a faith. However, chances are you will look a lot more closely and pay much more attention to red flags the next time around as well as know more about yourself and better ways to handle a relationship. I was skimming a Ppychology book on divorce just today. It's based on real research findings. They gave their top ten risk factors for divorce. My ex wife had five or six of them whereas I had none or maybe one. It's a matter of reprogramming your people picker. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Its hard to tell a good one from a bad one, until you've had them for awhile. A good one will love you until death, and bad one will make damn sure you go first! Me? I'm looking for a strong, self supporting independent woman who has her own place (home ~ house) to have an exclusive monogamus relationship who when she's gets tired of me will tell me, "Gunny go home, I'll call you." Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 It's a matter of reprogramming your people picker. :lmao: Maybe that's our problem, we've been using the wrong "people picker" to pick people with! Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 :lmao: Maybe that's our problem, we've been using the wrong "people picker" to pick people with! Like you say gunny, just having the requiste anatomy in pleasing proportions just ain't enough to get me to buy the whole nine anymore! IOW A pent up pecker's a pi** poor people picker! Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 You won't ever know, at some points in life you have to take a leap a faith. I was skimming a Ppychology book on divorce just today. It's based on real research findings. They gave their top ten risk factors for divorce. My ex wife had five or six of them whereas I had none or maybe one. It's a matter of reprogramming your people picker. Sumdude...great post. Can you list the top ten risk factors? That is exactly what my counselor said to me after we talked about my STBXW's affair. He gave this analogy about finding/picking the right mate: You have a need to hire a bank teller and that is what you are hiring. But what's going on is that the people you are hiring are also Kleptomaniak's. You need to dig deeper into them before you hire them. I sometimes wonder if we will become so picky that no one will get through the radar? I thought my W had everthing I was looking for and more. How could I not see she was a thief? Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Well it's copywritten work but I'll paraphrase a bit. It also states these as indicators for divorce in the first ten years of marriage. Marrying before the age 25 Low Income (> $25k) (x wife) Ethnic group and/or bi racial marriage History of rape or sexual abuse (x wife) Having no religious affiliation (x wife) Having children at the time of marriage or unwanted children Divorced parents (x wife) Having less than a college degree (x wife) Being unemployed (x wife, most of the time.. she couldn't seem to keep a job for long:rolleyes:) Poor Communication : nagging, stonewalling or escalating ( x wife.. well me too sometimes ) In a way, looking at it this way takes a lot of the anger away. My ex wife, for lack of better words was 'damaged goods'. Considering how she was raised, the incredible dysfuntion of her divorced parents and the fact she was a victim of abuse it's no wonder she acts the way she does. Due to neglect she had to learn at a very young age how to get what she needed in whatever way possible. I thought I could be the one to 'save her' and I was wrong.. or was I? Some writer once said "If you end up leaving a woman better off than when you met her you done good." I like to think I did, it was at my own expense but in my mind and heart I gave all I could. She didn't want to change enough... but she's far better off now than 10 years ago. I know that next time I won't be loooking for a project or a fixer upper, I did my time. The next one should she come along is going to be the cream in my coffee. Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 Well it's copywritten work but I'll paraphrase a bit. It also states these as indicators for divorce in the first ten years of marriage. Marrying before the age 25 Low Income (> $25k) (x wife) Ethnic group and/or bi racial marriage History of rape or sexual abuse (x wife) Having no religious affiliation (x wife) Having children at the time of marriage or unwanted children Divorced parents (x wife) Having less than a college degree (x wife) Being unemployed (x wife, most of the time.. she couldn't seem to keep a job for long:rolleyes:) Poor Communication : nagging, stonewalling or escalating ( x wife.. well me too sometimes ) Good list. I'm sorry your XW was on that list. I could add another: Dating History i.e. Lots of different partners? I found out after the fact that was the story in my case (she only hit 1 of the 10 listed above). In my case my wife was not happy with the people she was with after 1-2 years or so. Read: after the honeymoon period is over. What she doesn't get is the happiness she is seeking in life comes from within. It's not up to your partner to give you that happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 good post SumDude... Wish I had read this about 15 years ago... My stbxw had at least 8 of those indicators... I myself only had a couple but not to the extent that she has them... Well If I had only known but like some before have said I will be much more aware of where i stick my "people picker" in the future... My wife was pretty damaged good too.. her parents split up and her father ended up taking hiw own life in New years day 11 years ago to be exact.. the abuse she suffered was from one of her brothers... and she has a close relationship with him today... How f-d up is that... Damn the more I think of it I should feel fortunate that we made it as long as we did....... Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted January 2, 2009 Share Posted January 2, 2009 What scares the sh*t out of me is that you don't know how the new someone we meet in the future is going to act 1 or 2 years into the relationship. The first year (maybe 2 if you get lucky) is the honeymoon period. Then after that it's the same old toast for breakfast--for both parties. How are we to ever know if they are going to be able to stick it out after the hormones die down and committment sets in? It seems it's a crapshoot. I have heard that you should date someone for at least one year & better two with no sex involved, which I know for most people would be impossible. Anyone can fool a person for a year, but then the second year the true colors will start showing up, that is how I took what they said. As my best friend heard a comedian say; when you date someone you are dating that persons representative, because you never see the real person, you only see the person they are wanting you to see, but if you wait then the true person will finally show up.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 2, 2009 Author Share Posted January 2, 2009 As my best friend heard a comedian say; when you date someone you are dating that persons representative, because you never see the real person, you only see the person they are wanting you to see, but if you wait then the true person will finally show up.... Well that is my hope for my stbxw... that the real guy shows up and she realizes what she has lost.... but by that time i wont give a rats A$$ what she thinks.... Damn... Lord give me the strength that I need to carry on...... Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 I have heard that you should date someone for at least one year & better two with no sex involved, which I know for most people would be impossible. Anyone can fool a person for a year, but then the second year the true colors will start showing up, that is how I took what they said. As my best friend heard a comedian say; when you date someone you are dating that persons representative, because you never see the real person, you only see the person they are wanting you to see, but if you wait then the true person will finally show up.... PWSX3-- so true on this. One of my friends has a two year rule. Date them for two years and then see where you are at. He's married now with two children and his wife is awesome. I now wish I would have met her first.... Skin--how are you doing "in your own mind" after 60 or so days? Do you see that you are stronger? Do you still think about the "situation" constantly? I often wonder when this 24/7 stuff will get old... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Skin--how are you doing "in your own mind" after 60 or so days? Do you see that you are stronger? Do you still think about the "situation" constantly? I often wonder when this 24/7 stuff will get old... I have my days NFT... some are better than others.. today has been tough.. I found out she got rid of both girls last night they stayed at friends houses... I can only imagine what went on while they were gone.. and to be honest I was stronger 3 weeks ago than I am now.. i seem to have regressed the dreams have returned the emotions are back.. after not crying for a couple weeks its been almost everyday now... I dont know maybe its the holiday or what but I feel like I am back to square one... How are you friend... ? thanks for asking about me.. i know your situation is as messed up as mine...I guess the only consolation is i havent talked with mine in a week...which is good and bad... good beacuse it helps me heal...bad because it helps me to know she doesn'y give a S**T.... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 When we get married we're actually marrying three perhaps four different people. The one we think we're marrying! The one we're actually marrying And the one that comes about as result of marrying you The fourth potential person we marry is the one that we may or may not meet in divorce court ~ as in "I can't believe that's the same person I've been married to all these years! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 After my divorce, I became a homeless wino, laying in the gutter drunk puking and and soiling myself trousers, and became a male prostitute for nickles and dimes so I could by myself another bottle of Boones Farm or Ripple for six months. And that was just to get my self respect back from having married to huzy! :p Seriously guys, the sun's going to come out again, the clouds will part, the rains will go away. All of this heartache, headache, and heartbreak will fade away. In the not so distance furture you will find yourself in the company of some HB10 (Hot Babe who's a 10) and your STBX will be the furtherest thing from your mind. This divorce business does a number on the old ego, confidence, and self esteem things. Get busy getting busy, educating yoursellf about relationships, women, dating and mating, rommance, seduction, attraction, etc. Take waltz and salsa dance lessons. Take country dance lessons. Go to the gym, update your wardrobe. Get lasik (laser eye surgery) and ditch the glasses, dye your hair if need be, have yolur teeth whitened with a laser, etc .................... Perhaps your not ready to date again, but you've got to get off your butt and get busy getting ready to date again and to re-engage LIFE! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Seriously guys, the sun's going to come out again, the clouds will part, the rains will go away. All of this heartache, headache, and heartbreak will fade away. In the not so distance furture you will find yourself in the company of some HB10 (Hot Babe who's a 10) and your STBX will be the furtherest thing from your mind. Thanks Gunny.... you are the man !! I picked up my daughter today and the stbxw was there.. she handed me some pictures that I had asked for I wasnt going to talk with her just get my girld and leave... well she decided she wanted to talk anyways... i got the pictures and gave her a half sarcastic thanks... well that set her off with the "why are you so bitter and angry towards me ?" of cousre I let it go and helped my daughter get ready... The thing is she was standing in front of me talking and I was looking at her... I mean Really looking at her and I thought to myself... "Why are you so broken up over her" you can do way better than this...... needless to say I left with a smile just thinking about that.... I do belive the sun is peaking through the clouds... its not out yet but its getting pretty darn close...... Thanks for lifting up my spirits today Gunny !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 A defining moment for me was when I was picking up my kids, and my GF at the time, (easily a HB8 or 9) saw the XHEX and got seriously PO with me. Her jaw dropped, and with a look of awe on her face said to me, "What did you ever see in her that would make you want to get with her let alone marry her! Link to post Share on other sites
atwitsend Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 Hi skin man, Just wanted to say I am very proud of you and how you weathered this storm. I can see you're getting stronger. And when you wrote and said "I could do so much better then you" it made me feel good to see that your healing. Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted January 3, 2009 Share Posted January 3, 2009 A defining moment for me was when I was picking up my kids, and my GF at the time, (easily a HB8 or 9) saw the XHEX and got seriously PO with me. Her jaw dropped, and with a look of awe on her face said to me, "What did you ever see in her that would make you want to get with her let alone marry her! I bet you felt on top of the world at that moment. I can't wait Gunny. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 3, 2009 Author Share Posted January 3, 2009 Hi skin man, Just wanted to say I am very proud of you and how you weathered this storm. I can see you're getting stronger. And when you wrote and said "I could do so much better then you" it made me feel good to see that your healing. Thanks atwitsend, I appreciate that very much.... to be honest I still love her and probably always will, but I have realized that I cannot control what she does but only how I let It affect me.... and I can do better than her .....Someone else will come along one day and see me for what I am a caring man with a big heart.... Its her loss if you ask me.... I know there are going to be tough days still ahead but I do feel much better letting her go !! Hopefully in the future I will be able to look back on our life together and be able to smile at some of the wonderfull memories that we shared.. Right now I cant but hopefully one day I will be able to do just that...... All I can do now is appreciate the beautiful daughter and step daughter that we were blessed to have in our lives... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Thanks atwitsend, I appreciate that very much.... to be honest I still love her and probably always will, but I have realized that I cannot control what she does but only how I let It affect me.... and I can do better than her .....Someone else will come along one day and see me for what I am a caring man with a big heart.... Its her loss if you ask me.... I know there are going to be tough days still ahead but I do feel much better letting her go !! Hopefully in the future I will be able to look back on our life together and be able to smile at some of the wonderfull memories that we shared.. Right now I cant but hopefully one day I will be able to do just that...... All I can do now is appreciate the beautiful daughter and step daughter that we were blessed to have in our lives... Skin, Right now it "feels like" you'll love her forever. That's just not so. She cheated, lied, and betrayed you. She freely gave another man her body to play with. It's not like she was taken away by a drunk driver on the way to voulenteer at the childrens hospital. Time heals. It will heal you too. You may get some satisfaction out of believing you are the wronged party, and holding on to some notion that being faithfull to her memory will make you a better man. Good luck. She doesen't care. In fact, she may be laughing at your effort. Link to post Share on other sites
confused71 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 It's not like she was taken away by a drunk driver on the way to voulenteer at the childrens hospital. this gave me a good laugh.good one. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 i got the pictures and gave her a half sarcastic thanks... well that set her off with the "why are you so bitter and angry towards me ?" She just doesn't get it. It's OK to for her to be a complete beyotch alien to you and not notice how awful it makes you feel, yet you get slightly sarcastic with her and she gets upset? Yeah, who crapped in her cornflakes today, eh? Good for you for letting it go. A week ago you probably would've challenged her and gotten into a fight or something, so I have to say, you handled it perfectly by letting it go and not reacting to what she said. Link to post Share on other sites
Searching49 Posted January 4, 2009 Share Posted January 4, 2009 Skinman, I just wanted to let you know that I can at least sympathize with your pain and have read your thread. I joined just so I could respond to your thread. I found it searching for my own answers, hence the name. I'm 26 years old and married to the woman I thought was the girl of my dreams. We were together for 5 years before we were married. She took a vacation in July with some girlfriends and made out with a guy there. I found out two months later by overhearing a conversation with him at 2am one week before our one year anniversary. The phone records confirmed that these hour long coversations were going on daily for those two months and that they continue to this day. She has promised she would stop talking to him three times now, but has not done so. I've tried to move out but couldn't do it emotionally because I love her. We have gone to counseling but she wouldn't really open up and would just make empty promises. She hasn't slept with him yet because he lives 7 states away, but she said she is moving out in February (she's asleep upstairs now in separate room) and I know it is coming. I'm not sure what kind of hole that will tear in me, but I know it is coming. She also claims that she needs space, but you and I know otherwise. I echoed your anger at the people who said to hit her up for alimony because it is the last thing on our minds right now and no one else can truly understand that. I don't want to rain on your thread so I'm going to start my own. I just wanted to let you know that there are others out there who can share your grief. Some of what I have read in your thread has given me some strength, some hope, and yes some relief to know that others out there are as miserable as I am now. I may be 26 and have most of my life in front of me, but I'm still crushed by the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and feeling very lost and alone. Please keep in contact with me if you would like and respond to my new thread. I have a feeling we could help each other out quite a bit in the coming months. Best of luck to us both. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 4, 2009 Author Share Posted January 4, 2009 Skin, Right now it "feels like" you'll love her forever. That's just not so. She cheated, lied, and betrayed you. She freely gave another man her body to play with. It's not like she was taken away by a drunk driver on the way to voulenteer at the childrens hospital. Time heals. It will heal you too. You may get some satisfaction out of believing you are the wronged party, and holding on to some notion that being faithfull to her memory will make you a better man. Good luck. She doesen't care. In fact, she may be laughing at your effort. Well LD, you sure know how to put things into perspective buddy... your so right she did cheat ,lie and betray me... hopefully in time I will see her for what she really is.... A pice of Sh*T........ And its not faithfull to her memory its the times that we shared that I would be remembering.... the times with our kids that were special not her memory.... Link to post Share on other sites
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