She asked for space and I gave it to her

[Mountains10]

thanks Mountains10,

its a start friend... it hasnt been easy to this point but 2 days in a row is good for me... keep it up buddy.. you will get there it takes time..

keep posting buddy I want to pm you when I can...

 

After doing some reading, I can pay some money to upgrade my membership here and get PM's immediately, I might just do that on my next paycheck. So give me another week and a half and I'll donate to the cause. Lord knows LS has helped me plenty, no reason not to give back. I'm still getting used to this budgeting thing.

[skinman]

After doing some reading, I can pay some money to upgrade my membership here and get PM's immediately, I might just do that on my next paycheck. So give me another week and a half and I'll donate to the cause. Lord knows LS has helped me plenty, no reason not to give back. I'm still getting used to this budgeting thing.

 

I know what you mean Mountains10...

it was a culture shock when I went grocery shopping for the first time since I have been single... My ex had taken care of all of that...

What an experience that was... since then It has gotten better.. the budgeting.. I wont even get into that with you... its tough man but what other choice do we have....

[LakesideDream]

I know what you mean Mountains10...

it was a culture shock when I went grocery shopping for the first time since I have been single... My ex had taken care of all of that...

What an experience that was... since then It has gotten better.. the budgeting.. I wont even get into that with you... its tough man but what other choice do we have....

 

 

Skin, many moons ago I was in the same situation. For 25 years my earnings were thrown into the family coffers. Although I did do the grocery shopping I didn't have to worry about paying the day to day bills. There never seemed to be enough money to do more than get by.

 

Shortly after my divorce (like days) when I was paying all my own bills it was amazing how simple and straight forward it all was. I applied for and got the credit cards I wanted without difficulty (I didn't have any when married, she had them all). A couple of Gas cards so I didn't have to walk through the snow to pay for gas, and again for the change. A couple of Visa/MC's to allow me to spread items costs out a couple of months. Buying new cloths, shoes, or a present for someone else was no longer a stressful ordeal. Being able to take a friend to dinner with an empty wallet became a joy.

 

The first few months of paying my own bills and expenses were marvelous! It felt so good to write those checks, or click and pay online. It still feels good eight years later. It's great knowing that I can have 500.00 left in my checking account and still be able to fly off to Hawaii, or China for that matter on a whim using my plastic. I haven't done it, but I could, what a great feeling. I know now that if I'd have taken an interest in family finances twenty five years ago I could have done the same things then!

 

Enjoy the little things!

[Mountains10]

I know what you mean Mountains10...

it was a culture shock when I went grocery shopping for the first time since I have been single... My ex had taken care of all of that...

What an experience that was... since then It has gotten better.. the budgeting.. I wont even get into that with you... its tough man but what other choice do we have....

 

I hear you man, I'm doing things now that I never did before, grocery shopping, budgeting my own finances, cleaning the house, getting in shape, and the list goes on. Too bad it took separation to make those things happen, but I look at it as a second chance on life.

 

I'm in the 2nd or 3rd day of NC and man I'm starting to really feel better. I only talk with her via email to stuff related to the divorce and I'm just starting to feel so much better. How come we didn't do NC the day they moved out?

 

I was in denial even as soon as a couple of days ago. I understand now why she can't move back in as I had begged her to do for so long, because her and OM are still a pair. I just couldn't see it with my emotional crap going on. Funny, how when I look back at the past year, when I put those two together in my mind, the pieces start to come together and how it played out. She's lying saying they are just friends, I just couldn't believe she could lie to my face, but now I can. When someone lies so much, it becomes easier over time.

[Mountains10]

Skin, many moons ago I was in the same situation. For 25 years my earnings were thrown into the family coffers. Although I did do the grocery shopping I didn't have to worry about paying the day to day bills. There never seemed to be enough money to do more than get by.

 

Shortly after my divorce (like days) when I was paying all my own bills it was amazing how simple and straight forward it all was. I applied for and got the credit cards I wanted without difficulty (I didn't have any when married, she had them all). A couple of Gas cards so I didn't have to walk through the snow to pay for gas, and again for the change. A couple of Visa/MC's to allow me to spread items costs out a couple of months. Buying new cloths, shoes, or a present for someone else was no longer a stressful ordeal. Being able to take a friend to dinner with an empty wallet became a joy.

 

The first few months of paying my own bills and expenses were marvelous! It felt so good to write those checks, or click and pay online. It still feels good eight years later. It's great knowing that I can have 500.00 left in my checking account and still be able to fly off to Hawaii, or China for that matter on a whim using my plastic. I haven't done it, but I could, what a great feeling. I know now that if I'd have taken an interest in family finances twenty five years ago I could have done the same things then!

 

Enjoy the little things!

 

I'm right there with you Lakeside, just got my own first piece of plastic in 10 years. I haven't had my own card in many moons, she had all the plastic. It's funny I was just thinking the other night that I could just fly away for a weekend to the beach, not that I will, but it's nice to know the option is available to me if I wanted to do it. I think we all seem to think alike just like they do .

[skinman]

I'm in the 2nd or 3rd day of NC and man I'm starting to really feel better. I only talk with her via email to stuff related to the divorce and I'm just starting to feel so much better. How come we didn't do NC the day they moved out?

 

I know what you mean Mountains10...

 

the first few weeks were the worse time in my life... The hate and bitterness that she showed to me was heart breaking.. who would have thought someone that you loved and at one time loved you could turn into such a monster... Since then it has gotten better.. seeing her last night kind of messed me up today... has me thinking more than usual about her... I know she is going to Argentina in March... that was supposed to be our trip together.. I guess she is taking her new friend..

sucks to think about that... but what can you do other than try not to..

 

glad the NC is working for you buddy... keep it up and you'll see things will start to look and feel better... hang in there its an new adventure were on now.... make the best of it while we can........

[Sands_of_time]

I know what you mean Mountains10...

 

the first few weeks were the worse time in my life... The hate and bitterness that she showed to me was heart breaking.. who would have thought someone that you loved and at one time loved you could turn into such a monster... Since then it has gotten better.. ..

 

Skin--so glad to hear that you crossed another hurdle! That gives the rest of us hope. I feel we are stronger than we were 30 days ago. Even 15 days ago. It's such a transformation going on in the body--it's amazing. The scar is starting to heal--even if only a little at a time. Keep up the good work and I hope you stay on this path...

[skinman]

Skin--so glad to hear that you crossed another hurdle! That gives the rest of us hope. I feel we are stronger than we were 30 days ago. Even 15 days ago. It's such a transformation going on in the body--it's amazing. The scar is starting to heal--even if only a little at a time. Keep up the good work and I hope you stay on this path...

 

Thanks NFT,

man I was doing so good yesterday and the day before but today has been a struggle.. I guess seeing her last night messed with me because I cant stop thinking about her... Its a bitch going through this crap.... Its enough to make you crazy.... I wish I could just get her out of my system once and for all... damn.. its going to be a long night !!

[Mountains10]

Thanks NFT,

man I was doing so good yesterday and the day before but today has been a struggle.. I guess seeing her last night messed with me because I cant stop thinking about her... Its a bitch going through this crap.... Its enough to make you crazy.... I wish I could just get her out of my system once and for all... damn.. its going to be a long night !!

 

Skinman,

 

I wondered about you when you wrote that. You're like me, just when you thought you're over it and you see her, you realize you aren't. I almost said, you're going to regret seeing her, tomorrow, but I figured I would wait until today to see if you said anything about it.

 

I made that mistake too, that's the only reason I can relate. I thought I could see her and it just did me in, made me miss her that much more. I now realize that it's not possible. Can you imagine trying to avoid seeing someone you work with daily? When I have to pass her I just look straight ahead and don't dare turn my head or acknowledge anything she says.

 

Hang in there, back to NC as much as possible. Remember, it's about you my friend, it's not about her anymore. You gotta do what's right for you emotionally, financially, etc. You didn't chose this, but you can sure control what you do and don't do. Hang in there man, we're here for you.

 

Mountains10

[skinman]

Skinman,

 

I wondered about you when you wrote that. You're like me, just when you thought you're over it and you see her, you realize you aren't. I almost said, you're going to regret seeing her, tomorrow, but I figured I would wait until today to see if you said anything about it.

 

Mountains10

 

thanks mountains10...

I knew I should have went with my instincts and stayed outside its a bear bro...I know I am far from over it.. I was just hoping that it was getting easier you know... after seeing her sitting there all smiles and such I wanted so bad to wipe that smile right off her face...... but I kept up a happy face and all... as hard as it was to do...I dont want to give her any satisfaction in knowing that I still care... I cant imagine seeing her everyday at work. man thats got to be brutal.... If that was my situation... I would have probably done something very stupid to mine in the first few weeks this all started ... You got a set on you Monutains10... Got you give it to you man....

 

yes it is for us now man... what can we do but try and get through this with minimal amount of emotional scaring as possible.... guess I will head out and have a beer alone tonight.. sure dont feel like sitting home alone....

[Gowithflow]

I'm feeling you guys on this.

NC has definatly worked for me in dealing with past relationships. That is a fact. I had several long term live in GF's that cheated and walked away, (5 years, 3 years, 1 year x3 ), After the usual fighting and pleading and negotiating did not work I went full NC. The GF's almost always wanted to come back at some point, but I always moved on to someone else by then, and was no longer affected by the breakup in any way shape or form. Like it never even happened!!

If NC seems to be working for you then I would highly recommend continuing it.

 

In the case of a divorce that is in progress, or if there's a kid(s) involved, then, at least from my perspective, NC/LC is almost doing more harm than good. (I realize that most on LS would dissagree).

 

My STBXW is moving on regardless, so the only point of NC/LC for me in my opinion is to help ME get over the breakup. My point for now at least is that the NC is making us even more distant, (yes I know that's the whole point of it), but that could affect not only our daughter who is almost 5 years old, but it will also make the stbxw more likely to try to take me to the cleaners in the divorce settlement.

 

By contrast, if I play "nice guy", as difficult as that may be for most, I get more in return. As in, my daughter can feel more comfortable when we are all together, plus, the ex might be more fair in the divorce, (as in not going the lawyer route).

 

Either way, the end result would be the same. We will be divorced and wind up as friends later in life because there is no other option when there's a child involved. If we end on a completely sour note, the bitterness will last for decades.

 

So, (if this makes any sense whatsoever), the question is "how fast do you need to get over the ex"?

 

 

Fact: IMHO

• You WILL get over it
  
• NC is the fastest way to get over it
  
• NC/LC can be damaging if there's kid(s) involved.
  
• You HAVE to consider a child's perspective in the breakup.
  
• Kids remember everything when thier parents split, (My parents split when I was young and it hurt at the time. I still remember every detail).
  
• If you have no kids then NC is perfect.
  
• It takes time to heal from a breakup and there's no substitute for time.
  

My wife was having an affair for 3 months before I found out on 11/1 She moved out on 12/1. She refused to work on the relationship as well, so I am feeling your pain. The contact that we have had has indeed been an emotional setback for me, but now I'm realizing that it is a small price to pay to avoid and long term emotional scars on my daughter.

 

The main stumbling blocks for me have been learning to not worry about who or what the ex is doing when I'm not around, plus keeping myself from sliding into depression because my heart is currently broken and on the mend.

 

I'm not going to be huggy kissy with her, but I think I will greet her properly and engage in conversation like a regular human being.

 

Again, I see no real harm in this other than emotional setback on my behalf. Not easy, but I think I can take the high road and suck it up for a while.

 

P.S. As you may notice by my past relationship pattern I am not overly suprised that my marriage failed as well. I tend to "drift out" of relationships before they actually cheat.

[Mountains10]

thanks mountains10...

I knew I should have went with my instincts and stayed outside its a bear bro...I know I am far from over it.. I was just hoping that it was getting easier you know... after seeing her sitting there all smiles and such I wanted so bad to wipe that smile right off her face...... but I kept up a happy face and all... as hard as it was to do...I dont want to give her any satisfaction in knowing that I still care... I cant imagine seeing her everyday at work. man thats got to be brutal.... If that was my situation... I would have probably done something very stupid to mine in the first few weeks this all started ... You got a set on you Monutains10... Got you give it to you man....

 

yes it is for us now man... what can we do but try and get through this with minimal amount of emotional scaring as possible.... guess I will head out and have a beer alone tonight.. sure dont feel like sitting home alone....

 

Well, I don't have a choice, the economy is not great right now and jobs are not as plentiful. I need to keep my stable job until I get this over with. After it's over with, I'll probably look elsewhere or maybe she will, but it will probably have to be me. I'm not saying it's been easy, and it's been far from it, but NC is what I have to do for now, it makes it easier on me.

 

I'm with you on the beer after work, it'll just have to be remotely !

[Mountains10]

I'm feeling you guys on this.

NC has definatly worked for me in dealing with past relationships. That is a fact. I had several long term live in GF's that cheated and walked away, (5 years, 3 years, 1 year x3 ), After the usual fighting and pleading and negotiating did not work I went full NC. The GF's almost always wanted to come back at some point, but I always moved on to someone else by then, and was no longer affected by the breakup in any way shape or form. Like it never even happened!!

If NC seems to be working for you then I would highly recommend continuing it.

 

In the case of a divorce that is in progress, or if there's a kid(s) involved, then, at least from my perspective, NC/LC is almost doing more harm than good. (I realize that most on LS would dissagree).

 

My STBXW is moving on regardless, so the only point of NC/LC for me in my opinion is to help ME get over the breakup. My point for now at least is that the NC is making us even more distant, (yes I know that's the whole point of it), but that could affect not only our daughter who is almost 5 years old, but it will also make the stbxw more likely to try to take me to the cleaners in the divorce settlement.

 

By contrast, if I play "nice guy", as difficult as that may be for most, I get more in return. As in, my daughter can feel more comfortable when we are all together, plus, the ex might be more fair in the divorce, (as in not going the lawyer route).

 

Either way, the end result would be the same. We will be divorced and wind up as friends later in life because there is no other option when there's a child involved. If we end on a completely sour note, the bitterness will last for decades.

 

So, (if this makes any sense whatsoever), the question is "how fast do you need to get over the ex"?

 

 

Fact: IMHO

• You WILL get over it
  
• NC is the fastest way to get over it
  
• NC/LC can be damaging if there's kid(s) involved.
  
• You HAVE to consider a child's perspective in the breakup.
  
• Kids remember everything when thier parents split, (My parents split when I was young and it hurt at the time. I still remember every detail).
  
• If you have no kids then NC is perfect.
  
• It takes time to heal from a breakup and there's no substitute for time.
  

My wife was having an affair for 3 months before I found out on 11/1 She moved out on 12/1. She refused to work on the relationship as well, so I am feeling your pain. The contact that we have had has indeed been an emotional setback for me, but now I'm realizing that it is a small price to pay to avoid and long term emotional scars on my daughter.

 

The main stumbling blocks for me have been learning to not worry about who or what the ex is doing when I'm not around, plus keeping myself from sliding into depression because my heart is currently broken and on the mend.

 

I'm not going to be huggy kissy with her, but I think I will greet her properly and engage in conversation like a regular human being.

 

Again, I see no real harm in this other than emotional setback on my behalf. Not easy, but I think I can take the high road and suck it up for a while.

 

P.S. As you may notice by my past relationship pattern I am not overly suprised that my marriage failed as well. I tend to "drift out" of relationships before they actually cheat.

 

Gowiththeflow,

 

It's not that I really wanted NC, but when a wife is using your friendship to get you to try and sign a bunch of debt your way, trust me, you'll head to NC as well. She's still seeing OM and so I'm her daytime guy and he's her nighttime guy. Well, I should correct that, I WAS her daytime guy, not anymore. We don't have any kids, time to cut my losses and move on. NC keeps my head straight and not pulled into her emotional manipulation as she was doing to me. Each situation is somewhat unique, but a lot are the same I know. This works best for me though.

[Gowithflow]

Gowiththeflow,

 

It's not that I really wanted NC, but when a wife is using your friendship to get you to try and sign a bunch of debt your way, trust me, you'll head to NC as well. She's still seeing OM and so I'm her daytime guy and he's her nighttime guy. Well, I should correct that, I WAS her daytime guy, not anymore. We don't have any kids, time to cut my losses and move on. NC keeps my head straight and not pulled into her emotional manipulation as she was doing to me. Each situation is somewhat unique, but a lot are the same I know. This works best for me though.

 

 

Not wanting to hijack thread, but I'm with you. NC is hard but most likely best in your situation. No kids? Get the finacial part done and you are sitting pretty. Refuse the debt and let her go bankrupt after the divorce.

[Sands_of_time]

Thanks NFT,

man I was doing so good yesterday and the day before but today has been a struggle.. I guess seeing her last night messed with me because I cant stop thinking about her... Its a bitch going through this crap.... Its enough to make you crazy.... I wish I could just get her out of my system once and for all... damn.. its going to be a long night !!

 

I hear you on that. It's like a never ending yo-yo where we are the yo-yo.

 

We are 10X stronger when there is NC. We are 10X stronger when there is NC. We are 10X stronger when there is NC....

[Searching49]

We are 10X stronger when there is NC. We are 10X stronger when there is NC. We are 10X stronger when there is NC....

 

This is so true NFT. I started NC for the last 48 hours and I feel so much better. She is already trying to ask me stupid questions just to get me to answer. The only answer I gave is "I'm not here" and looked her right in the eye. I'm secretly hoping that it is enough to make her realize what she is losing. I'd really like her to come full reversal and then have me be the one to make the decision. Honestly I think shes muffed everything up so bad that she isn't capable of restoring my trust. If that doesn't happen, then I'm taking support in the fact that she will be very alone and all of our friends and family are rallying to my side. I'm still worried about the effect her actually walking out the door will have on me. It almost isn't going to be real until it is, you know? Will I be able to remain strong, or will I totally fall apart?

[Sands_of_time]

 

This is so true NFT. I started NC for the last 48 hours and I feel so much better. She is already trying to ask me stupid questions just to get me to answer. The only answer I gave is "I'm not here" and looked her right in the eye. I'm secretly hoping that it is enough to make her realize what she is losing. I'd really like her to come full reversal and then have me be the one to make the decision. Honestly I think shes muffed everything up so bad that she isn't capable of restoring my trust. If that doesn't happen, then I'm taking support in the fact that she will be very alone and all of our friends and family are rallying to my side. I'm still worried about the effect her actually walking out the door will have on me. It almost isn't going to be real until it is, you know? Will I be able to remain strong, or will I totally fall apart?

 

Searching...I can only imagine what is in your mind knowing that a "death" could happen at the end of this month. With regards to NC you should do it for YOURSELF. It could backfire if you try to use it to get her to come around. I hope you have gone over this site and read post after post after post. You'll eventually come across what NC means and how it is best applied. If I find the thread/website about NC I'll post it in your thread. Hang in there...

[skinman]

Just when you think your getting somewhere with regards to this mess it all comes right back into your face... Damn 2 good days in a row and now I am a complete wreck... spoke with my daughter tonight and found out "mom" hasn't been home all evening..... she wasn't working but out with whomever.. damn wish sometimes I was the heartless P.O.S. that my wife has become.... but I am not like that I indeed have a heart one that is broken now but when its fixed it will be stronger than ever... No woman will ever make me feel the way that I feel now... Like you LakesideDream.. they are more trouble than they are worth...

 

to think I have given this woman more than 15 years to be treated less than human is beyond me... I will look forward to the day that i am over her and can look her in the eye and tell her what a piece of crap she really is......

[Mountains10]

Not wanting to hijack thread, but I'm with you. NC is hard but most likely best in your situation. No kids? Get the finacial part done and you are sitting pretty. Refuse the debt and let her go bankrupt after the divorce.

 

I appreciate it, you're not hijacking it, all opinions and advice are always welcome. And as for the bankruptcy thing, I honestly don't see any other way for her at this point, other than that. It's going to get ugly before it gets better, but she's so fogged out, she doesn't see it coming I guess.

[Mountains10]

 

This is so true NFT. I started NC for the last 48 hours and I feel so much better. She is already trying to ask me stupid questions just to get me to answer. The only answer I gave is "I'm not here" and looked her right in the eye. I'm secretly hoping that it is enough to make her realize what she is losing. I'd really like her to come full reversal and then have me be the one to make the decision. Honestly I think shes muffed everything up so bad that she isn't capable of restoring my trust. If that doesn't happen, then I'm taking support in the fact that she will be very alone and all of our friends and family are rallying to my side. I'm still worried about the effect her actually walking out the door will have on me. It almost isn't going to be real until it is, you know? Will I be able to remain strong, or will I totally fall apart?

 

Searching,

 

I thought when mine left, it would be awful, but for me it was exactly the opposite, it was like a huge weight had been lifted off of me and I felt completely fine with it. It took some adjusting to get used to not having her around, but all in all, it's been much better. The thing you have to watch out for, is making sure she doesn't walk out with anything or come back and get stuff here and there. In the beginning, mine took something small, but a week ago, she came and took something else and I put my foot down right there and told her straight up, you do that again, I won't even ask about it, the locks will be changed, end of story. Just watch your marital property and secure your valuables, even if she's never been that type, trust me.

[Mountains10]

Just when you think your getting somewhere with regards to this mess it all comes right back into your face... Damn 2 good days in a row and now I am a complete wreck... spoke with my daughter tonight and found out "mom" hasn't been home all evening..... she wasn't working but out with whomever.. damn wish sometimes I was the heartless P.O.S. that my wife has become.... but I am not like that I indeed have a heart one that is broken now but when its fixed it will be stronger than ever... No woman will ever make me feel the way that I feel now... Like you LakesideDream.. they are more trouble than they are worth...

 

to think I have given this woman more than 15 years to be treated less than human is beyond me... I will look forward to the day that i am over her and can look her in the eye and tell her what a piece of crap she really is......

 

Hang in there skinman. Don't be so hard on yourself, I told you, I fell short before and gave in, but now I'm at the 3rd day of NC (except email as it pertains to the D) and you can do it again. Just don't test the waters to see if you're strong enough to handle it, that's the mistake I think you and I both made. We're trying to see if our emotions can handle the contact and we're just not ready yet. Let's go for 4 or 5 weeks before we break NC, but only if it has to be broken. Don't let her into your emotional barrier, stay strong man!

[skinman]

Hang in there skinman. Don't be so hard on yourself, I told you, I fell short before and gave in, but now I'm at the 3rd day of NC (except email as it pertains to the D) and you can do it again. Just don't test the waters to see if you're strong enough to handle it, that's the mistake I think you and I both made. We're trying to see if our emotions can handle the contact and we're just not ready yet. Let's go for 4 or 5 weeks before we break NC, but only if it has to be broken. Don't let her into your emotional barrier, stay strong man!

 

Thanks M10,

 

for the encouragement... I know there are going to be days like this and I have to keep plugging away... I pretty much havent had contact with her except for the other night.. luckily she never calls emails or anything anymore.. Which is good for me in a sense but it also gets me thinking about all the resons why she isnt... Which i need to stop or I'll drive myself insane...

[Mountains10]

Thanks M10,

 

for the encouragement... I know there are going to be days like this and I have to keep plugging away... I pretty much havent had contact with her except for the other night.. luckily she never calls emails or anything anymore.. Which is good for me in a sense but it also gets me thinking about all the resons why she isnt... Which i need to stop or I'll drive myself insane...

 

So where do you guys stand with the marriage right now, are you separated awaiting divorce or what's going on with the divorce? I can't remember if you said you are moving toward a divorce or just in separation waiting for her to come back.

You will drive yourself insane, I've been there a ton of times over, that's why NC is important. When you break NC, it allows your emotions to be twisted, best I can tell from my own experience. Start back NC as best as possible. I'm signing up for a gym next week and going to try and start working my body out to give me an alternate hobby and I hate working out too lol.

[skinman]

So where do you guys stand with the marriage right now, are you separated awaiting divorce or what's going on with the divorce? I can't remember if you said you are moving toward a divorce or just in separation waiting for her to come back.

You will drive yourself insane, I've been there a ton of times over, that's why NC is important. When you break NC, it allows your emotions to be twisted, best I can tell from my own experience. Start back NC as best as possible. I'm signing up for a gym next week and going to try and start working my body out to give me an alternate hobby and I hate working out too lol.

 

She kicked me out in end of october...and in Va you cant get a divorce until a year separation when you have minor kids invloved... so cant do anything about that until November... Divorce is the way its going sad to say... she thinks this new guy is going to make her happy... F-her if thast what she wants let her have it.......

[Mountains10]

She kicked me out in end of october...and in Va you cant get a divorce until a year separation when you have minor kids invloved... so cant do anything about that until November... Divorce is the way its going sad to say... she thinks this new guy is going to make her happy... F-her if thast what she wants let her have it.......

 

Oh geez, that's nuts that you have to wait that long! Ouch. Where I'm at there is no waiting period that I've been made aware of. I gotta get back to the attorney's office very soon. God, I hate dealing with lawyers!