PWSX3 Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Heres an update for you folks... the week has gone well I started a Divorcecare class on Monday which wasnt so bad... Be positive with the class, everyone now is shy, confused, & don't really want to talk but as the weeks go you will start getting closer as a group, or at least we did. Don't be afraid to talk, it does help sharing your story with others. I know there are a few of us that have stayed in contact, in fact this weekend a bunch of us went to the movies. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 Thanks M10, I was doing better until this evening.. I dropped of my daughter at home and went in and spoke with my step.. asked her about school and all ,how the car was running I gave her last week the usual stuff... Well I then told her I wouldn't be coming to her birthday party next month that I would rather take her out for the day to dinner and a movie... Well she flipped out saying she wanted her family at her party even though me and her mom weren't getting along... the next thing I know she is screaming at me to get out of "her" house and that I am crazy and to just f-ing leave... A damn 17 year old talking to me like this.. I was floored I have done nothing but been there for her when her dad abandoned her... The P.O.S. is now corrupting the kids... At least my daughter still loves me and wants to spend time with me... Makes me wonder how long before the P.O.S. gets to her and corrupts her thinking....... it seems the more you do for F-ing people the more you get screwed !!! I would have told her to grow up. Shes 17. You do not always get what you want. What the hell? Is she not your daughter? Have you not treated this young woman like a daughter for most of her life? If you take it from her, you must obviously be questioning yourself. You did nothing wrong. So you should be dealing ****, rather than taking it. Thats my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
BusterBrown Posted January 21, 2009 Share Posted January 21, 2009 The only thing worse than the wrath of a scorned woman is the wrath of a scorned 17 year old woman. Stay strong brother. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 The only thing worse than the wrath of a scorned woman is the wrath of a scorned 17 year old woman. Stay strong brother. Thanks... I am sure she is hurting to from all of this and like someone said above is probably afraid that she might be losing me too.. Thats not the case I have tried to reassure her that she will always be in my life as long as she wants me in it.... It hurts to be treated that way after doing so much for her all these years... I wonder if her mom has talked bad about me in front of her and she is second guessing her feelings... I will let this go for a while still have a few weeks till the party.. maybe by then I will be much stronger and able to look at the P.O.S. and not be bothered. Thanks for your replies guys and gals.......... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 21, 2009 Author Share Posted January 21, 2009 Be positive with the class, everyone now is shy, confused, & don't really want to talk but as the weeks go you will start getting closer as a group, or at least we did. Don't be afraid to talk, it does help sharing your story with others. I know there are a few of us that have stayed in contact, in fact this weekend a bunch of us went to the movies. Thanks for your input PWS... the sad thing is it was just me and the guy running the show... . but he has done it for years and we had a good talk about all thats going on with me and my situation... hopefully he said more people will hear about it and join us... I will continue to go. its nice having someone who has been in the dark places like we are to be able to show that there is a light at the end !!!! I wish you continued luck PWS... thanks for being there man !! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 Whomever said this is a rollercoaster ride sure knew what they were talking about..the past few days have been good...Tonight is a different story. I go out with a old friend and have a few beers and it brings her back.. She is right with me now and the thoughts wont go away. the wondering and regrets that have filled my mind for the past 3 months have all returned.. It seems just when you think your getting stronger and moving forward somethings triggers a memory... a thought that you havent brought to the surface in years will return at the worse moment... You wonder does she have them to ? How after so many years can you be forgotten like that.. tossed aside like a walmart bag. treated like you were less than human... How can someone who supposedly loved you do that... Since this all started I have never said one thing to hurt my P.O.S. Ex.'s feelings.. never once have I tried to hurt her like she has hurt me... Why because I have a heart.. I dont want to become like her but I am finding it hard not to... I am not a hating person but I hate now.. I hate what she has done to me, to our family and for what ? the unknown... greener grass... 2 years ago tonight my mom passed, I wish I had her still to talk with ... she would have made me feel better about whats going on but I dont, all I can talk with now is headstone... She still hears me but cant answer.. I know she's with me but I cant feel her..... The sad thing is my P.O.S. has a mother still alive but she wont see her and hasnt in a while...She has written her off like she has me... I cant wait for the day that I will feel no pain and sorrow for her... When a thought will cross my mind and no reaction will be felt... Then I will know that I am healed... Lord give me the strength and wisdom that I need.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 Wow... this day couldn't get any worse... if you read above I mentioned that today my mom passed away 2 years ago... Well I just got a call from my wife... Her mom has just passed away tonight as much as I want to be mad at her I hurt for her tonight.... I feel bad enough with all thats going on but to lose someone else who has been a big part of my life for close to 16 years is hard especially at this time in my life... Lord I need strength now more than ever.. show me that there are better days ahead for me and mine. Comfort my wife tonight in her time of loss...and most of all ease the pain that my girls are going through... god Bless..... Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 I wouldn't even speak to her. You are enabling her behavior. I would just tell her that you're sorry for her loss and ignore her, the same way she has been ignoring you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 I wouldn't even speak to her. You are enabling her behavior. I would just tell her that you're sorry for her loss and ignore her, the same way she has been ignoring you. Thanks TIY, you always have such good advice when it comes to this situation I am in.. I appreciate you following along and keeping me straight. You are right she has ignored me for the most part and its time I do the same... Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 Thanks TIY, you always have such good advice when it comes to this situation I am in.. I appreciate you following along and keeping me straight. You are right she has ignored me for the most part and its time I do the same... I agree with TIY as well skinman, send your condolences and leave it at that. It's not your job anymore to comfort her in her time of sadness. She definitely hasn't done that for you and you don't owe it to her, especially as bad as she has been to you throughout this process. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 22, 2009 Share Posted January 22, 2009 She wants out of the relationship? That means when she hits a bump in the road, she doesn't get to lean on you. Its a tough, hard, cold world out there, and she's choosen to go it alone without you. As for the DSD, ditto! The sooner she learns that we always don't get what we want ~ the better. Tough Love! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 22, 2009 Author Share Posted January 22, 2009 She wants out of the relationship? That means when she hits a bump in the road, she doesn't get to lean on you. Its a tough, hard, cold world out there, and she's choosen to go it alone without you. As for the DSD, ditto! The sooner she learns that we always don't get what we want ~ the better. Tough Love! Thanks Gunny, I do believe your right friend I might make an appearance and view the body say my goodbye's to MIL and leave... I dont know just yet what i will do.. Might send flowers and say the heck with it.. Its no my problem anymore and neither is she.. thanks for the links you sent me.. I have been doing quite a bit if studying up. Dance classes start next wednesday !! should be fun. Skin.. Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Wow... this day couldn't get any worse... if you read above I mentioned that today my mom passed away 2 years ago... Well I just got a call from my wife... Her mom has just passed away tonight as much as I want to be mad at her I hurt for her tonight.... I feel bad enough with all thats going on but to lose someone else who has been a big part of my life for close to 16 years is hard especially at this time in my life... Lord I need strength now more than ever.. show me that there are better days ahead for me and mine. Comfort my wife tonight in her time of loss...and most of all ease the pain that my girls are going through...god Bless..... Skin..I am sorry to hear that. Stay strong. There is a psychological scale (been looking for it for quite some time but can't locate it) that shows difficult situations in life and death of a parent is #2 on the difficulty level (#1 is death of a child). Sounds like she wasn't that close to her mother but the pain for her could be quite intense. Gunny and others have good advice about not comforting her but she she may exhibit some "different" behavior in the coming months. Stay strong, mi amigo. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 23, 2009 Share Posted January 23, 2009 Skin! Becoming a PUA (Pick Up Artist) isn't about becoming a PUA, but about becoming a better you, and the best that you can become! Its about learning about you! And about who and what your about? That was "Style's" end-game. In the begining he started out to learn to be about being a PUA, but in the end he found it was about improving himself! His Life! Its about improving your love life, your personal life, your career, your financial life, your health, ~ being all that you can be? Getting a tan at the tanning salon, whitening your teeth, going to the gym 5X's a week, quitting smoking, dipping, snuffing,.............................buying a new wardrobe, getting your finances in order, reading a book, In short? Getting your Life together! DO IT! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 23, 2009 Author Share Posted January 23, 2009 Skin! Becoming a PUA (Pick Up Artist) isn't about becoming a PUA, but about becoming a better you, and the best that you can become! Its about learning about you! And about who and what your about? In short? Getting your Life together! DO IT! Gunny, Thats what I am trying to do friend... slowly but surely I am getting out into the world. I am looking into a part time job to help pay off some of my debts that the P.O.S. left me with. Along with the dance class I am making some progress.. Started a list of goals that i want to accomplish some short term and some long term.. This is a chance I may never have again to really do the things that I want to do... For so many years I did what the P.O.S. wanted with regards to vacations and how we spent our money... I have to give her credit... my credit as of now is excellent she did well with our finances and I have to keep that up if I am to buy back my house... Its going to be a long road but one that I am starting to look forward to traveling down.... Always good advice from you Gunny !! You are the Man !!!! Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted January 25, 2009 Share Posted January 25, 2009 How are things going Skin? I hope you are out enjoying life, working on those dancing moves, etc.!! People say the winter is the worse, people are depressed but it is all what you make it. The church i goo to started something new this year, they have a bunch of activities that people can sign up to do, people have volunteered to lead the different actives & yesterday I met 4 other people that I had never met before, went to the mountains & went snow shoeing for the day & had a blast...We have another outing planned already for Feb. 28th & hopefully we will have even more people join us. It is just good meeting new people that have the same interests as you do & just have fun....... Someday you will feel that weight of trying to keep the marriage together & then it just keeps getting easier & easier. I don't know how many times I have heard that & how many people told me & I just didn't believe it, just couldn't believe I could live without the stbxw even though I wasn't happy in the marriage either and it has taken this for me to realize it. I was just in the marriage because it was what you do, I relied on the stbxw to make me happy & I won't ever let someone have that kind of control over me again. It wasn't her fault but it was something I allowed her to be able to do. Stand up straight, walk with confidence then when you get your legs knocked out from under you, just stand up, dust yourself off & keep moving forward.... Yesterday there was a group of cross country skiers pass us going up hill. I wondered how they could walk up the hill with ski's and not slide backwards? I asked one of the guys & he showed me they had strips on the bottom of the ski's that gave them grip, then they take them off at the top of the hill. It made me think of our lives. We walk everyday with the chance of sliding backwards, but if we have help & support to keep us moving forward we don't have to worry about slipping backwards.....Kind of a crazy example but little things like that make me look at things differently then I used to. Keep up the battle & soon you will be at the top of the mountain looking down. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 Stand up straight, walk with confidence then when you get your legs knocked out from under you, just stand up, dust yourself off & keep moving forward.... Keep up the battle & soon you will be at the top of the mountain looking down. Thanks PWS, Today is going to be a difficult day for me... The funeral itself will be hard enough, but being surrounded by the stbxw and all her family will make it even harder on me... I hope I have the strength to show her and her family that I will be fine without her in my life.. Like you say some days will be tougher than others... She is still on my mind a lot these days some are better than others and I dont think of her at all but then there are the ones when i cant quit thinking of her.. Hopefully soon her grasp will lessen and I will see her for the person she is..... Wish me strength today people.... I will need all I can get Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Thanks PWS, Today is going to be a difficult day for me... The funeral itself will be hard enough, but being surrounded by the stbxw and all her family will make it even harder on me... I hope I have the strength to show her and her family that I will be fine without her in my life.. Like you say some days will be tougher than others... She is still on my mind a lot these days some are better than others and I dont think of her at all but then there are the ones when i cant quit thinking of her.. Hopefully soon her grasp will lessen and I will see her for the person she is..... Wish me strength today people.... I will need all I can get You can do it skinman, show them that you are confident, be nice, but not overly enthusiastic. Show them you are content and strong. Don't ever let them see the weak side of you. She will respect you more if you are confident and not weak. I know you will do fine today, don't let her get under your skin. m10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 You can do it skinman, show them that you are confident, be nice, but not overly enthusiastic. Show them you are content and strong. Don't ever let them see the weak side of you. She will respect you more if you are confident and not weak. I know you will do fine today, don't let her get under your skin. m10 Thanks M10, I know I will be strong and show her what she is really missing out on.. Heck might not even talk to her and just give her family my sympathy.. she sure doesnt deserve anything from me but grief like she has given me... I will kee you posted as to how it goes... Thanks friend !! Link to post Share on other sites
NYCmitch25 Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Thanks M10, I know I will be strong and show her what she is really missing out on.. Heck might not even talk to her and just give her family my sympathy.. she sure doesnt deserve anything from me but grief like she has given me... I will kee you posted as to how it goes... Thanks friend !! I know you are rightfully upset but I would suggest you try your hardest to refrain from using the sad unrelated event as a weapon or tool against anyone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 I know you are rightfully upset but I would suggest you try your hardest to refrain from using the sad unrelated event as a weapon or tool against anyone. Well your right.. I will be the bigger person in all of this... I will give her my condolence and leave it at that... she doesnt even deserve that.. I feel for the rest of her family.. she could have cared less about her mom... She hadn't seen her in 6 or 7 months before the day she passed... and she only lived 15 minutes away... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Well your right.. I will be the bigger person in all of this... I will give her my condolence and leave it at that... she doesnt even deserve that.. I feel for the rest of her family.. she could have cared less about her mom... She hadn't seen her in 6 or 7 months before the day she passed... and she only lived 15 minutes away... I've been a student of relationships, marriage, sex, dating & mating, inter-personal relationships,etc ad nausem, I've spent many a coin on books, tapes, CD's etc. And it just comes down to either a person is a loving, caring, giving, dedicated, thoughtful, giving of others individual? Or they're a selfish, self-centered, mean-hearted (and generally weak-minded) hard-hearted, un-forgiving, narcistic, out-for-themselves only POS! :mad: Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 Well your right.. I will be the bigger person in all of this... I will give her my condolence and leave it at that... she doesnt even deserve that.. I feel for the rest of her family.. she could have cared less about her mom... She hadn't seen her in 6 or 7 months before the day she passed... and she only lived 15 minutes away... Stay strong, Skin. Mountain, Gunny and others have good advice. Try to put aside your thoughts on your D until after the funeral. No need to comfort her in the least but show your condolenses AND STRENGTH. You have a good heart and a good mind. Stay away from bitter--it just crinkles your face anyway! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 26, 2009 Share Posted January 26, 2009 1. Don't lie to yourself! 2. When you think your fooling someone? Your only fooling yourself 3. To thy own self? Be true! 4. Identiy your weaknesses? And seek self improvement! 5. Quit lying to yourself! 6. Tact? The "Golden Rule" treat and speak to others the way you would wadnt to spoken to and treated if you workd for minimum wage at McDonalds 7. "But for the "Grace of Almighty God? There go I!" 8. Get busy living, or get your happy @ss busy dying!~ Gunny's Rules Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 26, 2009 Author Share Posted January 26, 2009 Stay strong, Skin. Mountain, Gunny and others have good advice. Try to put aside your thoughts on your D until after the funeral. No need to comfort her in the least but show your condolenses AND STRENGTH. You have a good heart and a good mind. Stay away from bitter--it just crinkles your face anyway! thanks SOT.. it went well for the most part.. I ended up giving her a hug.. couldn't avoid it I pretty much ran into her coming out of the chapel. I told her I was sorry and that was it.. Went on and spent time with the rest of her family... They were happy to see me.. A couple of them even told me how pissed they were at her for the way she has treated me and throwing away our marriage.. Despite her wishes they still want me in their life which felt good... It was sad seeing someone I have cared for for almost 25 years lying there so still and peacefull.. she is in a better place now. Dementia had robbed her of her mind for the last 10 years or so.. So now we all know that she is whole again and not suffering... thanks for the advice guys... You all have been great... Link to post Share on other sites
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