TrustInYourself Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Thanks LD... I appreciate that coming from you friend !! you have been my biggest instigator during all of this and your pushing has made me see the light buddy... And to be honest I am enjoying living my own life .. I have taken off a week in March and will be heading out to California to visit some friends and do some traveling... I had to get some information from her about some tickets we canceled and I needed the number. I told her I was going away for my 44th birthday and her first ? was where are you going ?. I said someplace warm... she then asked well who are you going with ? I said no one... doing it alone.. she got all pissy and said well you never do anything alone....... I said I do alot of things alone now... As for cutting the ties I guess I have no ther choice LD... she refuses to try and I am done trying...... Probably always care for her some but the marriage is indeed a DEAD one............. Strong words and stronger conviction. There is nothing wrong with always caring for the mother of your children. You just have to care more for yourself. Self-confidence and strength is showing in your words and actions! Keep it coming, for you own benefit. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Strong words and stronger conviction. There is nothing wrong with always caring for the mother of your children. You just have to care more for yourself. Self-confidence and strength is showing in your words and actions! Keep it coming, for you own benefit. TIY, after cheating, lying, and stealing a woman should probably consider doing something.. anything to earn the respect and "care" you speak of don't you think? Maybe a Christmas card rather than sneaking into the house and stealing a year after the divorce was final? Or how about not taking out credit cards using my social # and "joint income" two years after the divorce? Of course the same is true if the shoe is on the other foot. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 Ahhhh Skinman, you've shown your stbx that, through counseling on this site, you're the BS held in her clutches that will not follow the script she thought she knew as she, yet again, embarked on her mission to destroy. Watch you P's and Q's though for you aren't her first rodeo and she undoubtedly has many more tricks in her bag waiting to be played! She is the cat and you are the canary so get ready to play the game! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 You have choices, just try to make them good ones. And... it's not that she is refusing to try Skin. No refusal on her part at all, she just DOES NOT GIVE A DAMN about you, or your marriage. LD, your so right about this.. Thats one thing that still hurts the most is after all these years together and all the hard work I have done to get us to where we were what do I get....... not even a Damn thanks I get shown the door....chances are I will always care for her somewhat... maybe not the love like you should feel for a wife but I belive I will always care.. When my first wife passed... that woman put me through the wringer and back but when she passed I was really sad and upset.... I never held the hate and bitternes for her and I believe I wont in this case either.... eventually Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 11, 2009 Author Share Posted February 11, 2009 Strong words and stronger conviction. There is nothing wrong with always caring for the mother of your children. You just have to care more for yourself. Self-confidence and strength is showing in your words and actions! Keep it coming, for you own benefit. thanks TIY... I do believe I am finally taking your words to heart...... it took long enough but I have been doing great with the occassional down moment but they are far and fewer between...And your right.. I believe I will always care for her... in some way or the other.. she has blessed me with such a special daughter and stepdaughter... Reason enough there to one day forgive her for what she as done. I will not let the bitterness and hurt affect me the way it has her..... I will be a better person all around when this train wreck is over and hopefully be able to look back one day and smile about the 15 years we were together.. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted February 11, 2009 Share Posted February 11, 2009 TIY, after cheating, lying, and stealing a woman should probably consider doing something.. anything to earn the respect and "care" you speak of don't you think? Maybe a Christmas card rather than sneaking into the house and stealing a year after the divorce was final? Or how about not taking out credit cards using my social # and "joint income" two years after the divorce? Of course the same is true if the shoe is on the other foot. Hate and bitterness get you nowhere in the long run. Why even reciprocate emotion for someone who would behave in that fashion. Pity comes to mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 thanks TIY... I do believe I am finally taking your words to heart...... it took long enough but I have been doing great with the occassional down moment but they are far and fewer between...And your right.. I believe I will always care for her... in some way or the other.. she has blessed me with such a special daughter and stepdaughter... Reason enough there to one day forgive her for what she as done. I will not let the bitterness and hurt affect me the way it has her..... I will be a better person all around when this train wreck is over and hopefully be able to look back one day and smile about the 15 years we were together.. Whoooo! Hold up their Slick! You need to forgive her, but not because and for her sake ~ but for your own! Forget her! Forget her, her wants, her needs, her whatever! You need to forgive her because if you don't you're going to end up dragging this dead horse around with you everywhere you go hating every woman you come to meet, every person in your life, and generally hating life and everyone in it! Bottom line? You need to forgive her so you can one day love again. So you can one day let love back into your life, and let someone love you and all the more import? Allow yourself to love someone. Not any and all women are @sshats, selfish, self-centered, attention-whores! Nor are all men all about just getting laid. Half of the population, be they men, be they women are of one of two groups. The loving, giving, scarificing, kind or the selfishh, "me, me, me its all about me kind" Your being here at LoveShack says your learning and growing ~ you've quit being a fool and got your happy @ss back into school! You're learning what works, and what doesn't work! And for freaking real Skin? Quit self-flagulatting yourself with that damn whip of yours? Did you fail DSD and DD and DW, or did the DW fail you? From my perspective of this train wreck I would say it was she that failed you and your children. Time to pull an "Al Bundy" reach down and grab a "pair" Man-up! You did and gave the best that you had at the time! Had you known then what you know now you could of, would, should of done better. Hell back in tha' day I was going through it, back before LS, the internet I coined a phrase and told my now XHEX, "At the very least your having an emotional affair!" and this was back in the day before LS, the internet, MarriageBuilders, DivorceBusters, etc. This is the end of your marriage ~ not the end of your life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 12, 2009 Author Share Posted February 12, 2009 Bottom line? You need to forgive her so you can one day love again. So you can one day let love back into your life, and let someone love you and all the more import? Allow yourself to love someone. And for freaking real Skin? Quit self-flagulatting yourself with that damn whip of yours? Did you fail DSD and DD and DW, or did the DW fail you? From my perspective of this train wreck I would say it was she that failed you and your children. This is the end of your marriage ~ not the end of your life. I know Gunny... My forgiving her would be for me and not her.... And yes she did fail me and my girls... I did do the best that I could, I made sure that they had a roof over their heads and food on the table everynight. I made sure they has just about anything their little hearts desired... Granted I might not have been the best listener or communicator but I never abused my wife... Never ran around on her and was pretty much there whenever she needed me.... Helped out around the house whatever it took I did it... I guess there were things in hindsight I could have done much better... but I have learned like you said and I am still learning. I am learning how to live again for me.. put my needs at the center for a change...I was caught up being the Nice Guy... making sure everyone else was taken care of before myself.. Learning that not all people are out to screw you the first chance they get like my P.O.S. did me... I wont be bitter after all of this Gunny I am to good of a person to let her affect my thinking the rest of my life....... Your are the man Gunny thanks for all your help !!! Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted February 12, 2009 Share Posted February 12, 2009 I don't know how far you are in DC class but it will help explain why you need to forgive, like Gunny said it is very important in the process and the grieving. Sometimes you will even have to forgive her for the same thing & more then one time, just like everything else there are different levels & different times to forgive. I don't know if you have done it but if you go on there web site you can sign up for a daily email that is very helpful, I save them & go back once in a while & look at them just as a refresher.....(remember sometimes it takes me a while to catch on ) Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 13, 2009 Author Share Posted February 13, 2009 Sometimes you will even have to forgive her for the same thing & more then one time, just like everything else there are different levels & different times to forgive. Thanks PWS... I know I must forgive eventually... At this point in time I am trying to forget her.. Thats the most important thing to me now is getting her out of my mind and heart... forgiveness will come........ but forgetting must come first !!! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Thanks PWS... I know I must forgive eventually... At this point in time I am trying to forget her.. Thats the most important thing to me now is getting her out of my mind and heart... forgiveness will come........ but forgetting must come first !!! Hate and bitterness, at least in the early stages have their value and their place. One important function hate and bitterness serve is to negetively reinforce us from making the same decisions, with the same person or another. Another function served is to make us cautious. Lastly, they serve to speed up the seperation process making us less dependant on the other person each day. Hate and bitterness shouldn't burn brightly forever though. As time goes by, and the threat becomes smaller, your bad feelings should fade. Give it time skin, give it time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 13, 2009 Author Share Posted February 13, 2009 Hate and bitterness shouldn't burn brightly forever though. As time goes by, and the threat becomes smaller, your bad feelings should fade. Give it time skin, give it time. Thanks LD........ All I have is time friend !... there is such a fine line between Love and Hate I guess a little push to one side should do the trick... I dont want to hate or be bitter... I have never been that type of person and really dont want to start now........ But I do see your point... Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Hate and bitterness, at least in the early stages have their value and their place. One important function hate and bitterness serve is to negetively reinforce us from making the same decisions, with the same person or another. Another function served is to make us cautious. Lastly, they serve to speed up the seperation process making us less dependant on the other person each day. Hate and bitterness shouldn't burn brightly forever though. As time goes by, and the threat becomes smaller, your bad feelings should fade. Give it time skin, give it time. Excellent points...excellent points indeed! Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Hate and bitterness, at least in the early stages have their value and their place. One important function hate and bitterness serve is to negetively reinforce us from making the same decisions, with the same person or another. Another function served is to make us cautious. Lastly, they serve to speed up the seperation process making us less dependant on the other person each day. Hate and bitterness shouldn't burn brightly forever though. As time goes by, and the threat becomes smaller, your bad feelings should fade. Give it time skin, give it time. Well said, well said indeed! Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted February 13, 2009 Share Posted February 13, 2009 Hate and bitterness, at least in the early stages have their value and their place. One important function hate and bitterness serve is to negetively reinforce us from making the same decisions, with the same person or another. Another function served is to make us cautious. Lastly, they serve to speed up the seperation process making us less dependant on the other person each day. Hate and bitterness shouldn't burn brightly forever though. As time goes by, and the threat becomes smaller, your bad feelings should fade. Give it time skin, give it time. Very intelligent thoughts, LS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 14, 2009 Author Share Posted February 14, 2009 Well to make the day even tougher on me I saw the P.O.S. today when I picked up my daughter.... I hate to say it she looked great she has lost quite a bit if weight since we split up...... It really hurts to know that during our whole marriage she couldn't make an effort to exercise or lose the weight but now that we are no longer together she looks better than she has since high school........ Its going to be hard keeping that picture of her out of my head today....... Link to post Share on other sites
in a daze Posted February 14, 2009 Share Posted February 14, 2009 skinman and all who follow this thread. maybe its me buit i cant help thinking that this forum has turned into a " sorrow factory" i have only been a member for a short time, but i have followed this forum since i had this problem. i thought that this was supposed to be about helping each other in whatever we we could, not just CONSOLING Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 15, 2009 Author Share Posted February 15, 2009 skinman and all who follow this thread. maybe its me buit i cant help thinking that this forum has turned into a " sorrow factory" i have only been a member for a short time, but i have followed this forum since i had this problem. i thought that this was supposed to be about helping each other in whatever we we could, not just CONSOLING In a daze, your right about that... there are some guys and gals on here who offer up great advice like Gunny,LakesideDream,Trustinyoursef and many others.. its up to us to take their advice.. I will admit that I have ignored some of their suggestions and find myself falling back into the feeling sorry for myself mode.. I have my strong days and my weak ones...I guess its all in the person.. I myself am having a tough time letting go of my wife and family and how it used to be... Its something that I need to do but for me its not coming as easy as it might to others... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 In a daze, your right about that... there are some guys and gals on here who offer up great advice like Gunny,LakesideDream,Trustinyoursef and many others.. its up to us to take their advice.. I will admit that I have ignored some of their suggestions and find myself falling back into the feeling sorry for myself mode.. I have my strong days and my weak ones...I guess its all in the person.. I myself am having a tough time letting go of my wife and family and how it used to be... Its something that I need to do but for me its not coming as easy as it might to others... Skin, you are still being an ignorant ass. It's not a matter of "letting go" of your wife. SHE'S GONE. THERE IS ANOTHER MAN BANGING HER. That's the reality of the situation. Your job is to learn how to deal with the situation, and to make the best of today, tomorrow, and the rest of your life. No more blame. No more whimpering and whining. No more "woulda, shoulda, coulda's"... it's been going on long enough. Put on your big boy boxers and start dealing with the situation as it is instead of reacting to your STBXW's actions. She knows she was "lookin good", she knows it would hurt you. If she could she would be sending you videos of her BF banging her. She gets off on causing you pain. Take away her pleasure! Stop reacting ! Stop playing her game by her rules ! IT'S TIME TO PUT AN END TO THIS PITY PARTY ! Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Take away her pleasure! Stop reacting ! Stop playing her game by her rules ! IT'S TIME TO PUT AN END TO THIS PITY PARTY ! Amen - no argument there Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 She gets off on causing you pain. You know LD this statement is so true.. she takes every chance she can get to hurt me in one way or the other...I am getting to the point now of your post above, about the hate and bitterness I feel towards her for what she has done and is doing.. I know I need to see the situation for what it is and go on from there... I have been doing that for the most part but I do find myself sometimes sliding back into the self pity mode... I know as time goes on these moments will be less and less and it will get to the point of not caring at all about what she does....I am trying friend believe me when I say that... I am no Masochist I dont enjoy being in pain Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted February 16, 2009 Share Posted February 16, 2009 Skinman, one thing you've got to understand and understand well is that the mopey self pity mode you display is extremely unattractive. If it's unattractive to your stbx then every time you demonstrate it she gets more validation that she made the best decision by dumping you so you must get a handle on this particular emotion and eliminate it from your repertoire of reactions whether alone or in public altogether. If you can master this and begin truly stepping forward into your life with the vibrant confidence of someone on a mission then perhaps she'll begin to wondering what you're doing and who you're doing it with instead of the other way around for a change! (Think of her reaction to your upcoming California trip) Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 16, 2009 Author Share Posted February 16, 2009 Skinman, one thing you've got to understand and understand well is that the mopey self pity mode you display is extremely unattractive. If it's unattractive to your stbx then every time you demonstrate it she gets more validation that she made the best decision by dumping you so you must get a handle on this particular emotion and eliminate it from your repertoire of reactions whether alone or in public altogether. If you can master this and begin truly stepping forward into your life with the vibrant confidence of someone on a mission then perhaps she'll begin to wondering what you're doing and who you're doing it with instead of the other way around for a change! (Think of her reaction to your upcoming California trip) Thanks PP... and my friend you are so right the past few times she has seen me I was all smile and happy... I am starting to see your point and everyone else's I have been on this damn self pity mode but its going to stop... I have decided to only drop off and pick up my daughter and not even bother going into the house.... I had a great day today feeling more confident than I have in a while.. I have started to accept my situation and embrace it for what it is.. I am really looking forward to the trip it will give me ten days away from her and she will be out of my thoughts... thats something I havent had since this all started.... I know that she has seen a change but not enough of one to leave her new friend... what can I do buddy but to decide to live for myself and my daughter... I appreciate all of your wisdom PP... Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted February 17, 2009 Share Posted February 17, 2009 Good! Everytime you get the urge to reach for that card snap a rubber band on your wrist, turn your mind in a different direction, and be happy that you're doing it!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 18, 2009 Author Share Posted February 18, 2009 Good! Everytime you get the urge to reach for that card snap a rubber band on your wrist, turn your mind in a different direction, and be happy that you're doing it!!! Well PP the past few days have been good ones.. I havent spoken or seen the P.O.S. since sunday and that was only for a minute.... only said bye then too...... I tell you all this NC has really made me feel so much better about myself and what i can do with my future...... So many possibilities its endless......... now its just getting a plan !! only plan so far is hanging in California for 10 days !!! going to be a blast touring the breweries and vineyards.......... Cant wait !! Link to post Share on other sites
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