She asked for space and I gave it to her

[skinman]

This is very common in people who are ending relationships. My x did this to me as well and I backed down and ended up being the one who was apologizing and he should have been doing that cause he was cheating!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't fall for this cr@p!!!

 

Confused9,

thanks for responding.. I know in my heart as does she that i was not the reason our marriage has ended.. i choose to be the bigger person here and I apologized to her for my shorcummings... if she never does the same for me thats her problem.. She did admit that she could have done stuff differently and we might not have been in this situation but thats water under the bridge... the fact is I am in this situation whether I wanted it or not... Our conversation woke me up in a sense that she has so much bitterness inside her heart that she will never allow me back in..

 

I felt pretty good after we talked last night knowing that I did everything in my power to try and save what we had, but in the end it was her that was through.. I emailed her this morning telling her that I understood why she did it and that she felt she needed to do this to be happy and I have forgiven her....

 

I didnt forgive her for her sake but for mine... listening to her speak last night showed me how much bitterness and hurt is in her heart... it doesn't matter if i wasnt the sole reason for it but knowing the amount of anger she has inside will eat her up.... I dont want to be like that... I dont want to lay blame on her because it was both of us that got us here and it will be me thats leaves the better person when all is done..... She got what she wanted which was her freedom... in the same sense I got mine and I plan on living my life with no regrets... something she might not be able to do..

[skinman]

Wait until you see her financial demands. I bet you aren't quite so generous in your thoughts when that happens.

 

Actually she is being more than fair in what she wants... She makes more money than I do and we pretty much have agreed to split the house when we sell it... there will only be the child support that needs to be worked out...

[n9688m]

Actually she is being more than fair in what she wants... She makes more money than I do and we pretty much have agreed to split the house when we sell it... there will only be the child support that needs to be worked out...

 

Um let's see... she makes more than you and she is leaving you.

 

And you are "splitting" the house? Why don't you get it outright?

 

I presume child support means SHE will pay YOU?

[skinman]

Um let's see... she makes more than you and she is leaving you.

 

And you are "splitting" the house? Why don't you get it outright?

 

I presume child support means SHE will pay YOU?

 

No actually I will be paying the child support and she does make more than me but not that much...and I am splitting the house because she paid half the bills and worked just as hard to put us into the house... The good thing about my STBXW was that she was a hard worker i will give her that she did her fair share making our house a home...

[skinman]

I am really pissed off now... I saw my wife tonight when I picked up my daughter... I havent seen her in about 10 days... Well the bi#$h has lost about 15 lbs... The damn woman couldn't lose a pound when we were together but now that we are not she loses all this weight... Even had some really hot looking clothes on that made her body look better than it has in years........

 

All you veterans of the Divorce H##L out there how do you not think of your STBXW losing all of this weight knowing that its most likely for another man..... I wanted to tell her A$$ off but i didn't I was pleasant and got my daughter and left... But I know she knew that I noticed and it was making her day......

[LostHusband]

Could be stress making her lose all the weight. I wouldn't think about it too much. I used to go pick up my kids and my wife would be all done up in makeup and looking all nice to go to work - and she works in a FACTORY! That was when she was hanging out with a male co-worker "friend" for quite a bit. That ended, actually it never started, only in her wacked out mind. Lately she has been going out with another male "friend" every weekend, even when it was her weekend with the kids (she had her brother and mom babysit). Today she was really upset when I dropped off my daughter, white as a sheet and red eyes. She was suppose to pick up our son after school, but I get a call from her 30 minutes after school let out asking me if I could pick up our son! I couldn't believe it - I knew something happened with her and her BF, and I told her flat out "This is irresponsible, your son is more important than your relationship with your friend" she was very sorry and said it would not happen again. I felt I had the upper hand, she did not snap back at all - she realized her mistake. And yes - she had just gotten dumped. Her train just went off the tracks and crashed.

 

My point is - this is a crazy time in yours and her life, Skin. Things change everyday, don't let something little like her losing some weight and dressing nice mess with your head, you have no idea what is still to come.

 

Just keep an eye on yourself, and your girls...your STBXW has her own issues to work on and you can't be a part of them right now.

[PWSX3]

I can maybe help you a little on this one my friend........

 

When me & the W split two years ago I was the one that lost the weight. First was because I didn't eat and then I started to walk to take my mind of things, then I went to the gym because it was to damn cold outside.

 

I have also heard that people do it because it makes them feel better, I know I started to dress up more after the W moved out because I enjoyed dressing up, it made me feel better. I wasn't doing it to prove something to her, but to make me feel good & I have an idea that is what is going on with your stbxw, she is just trying to make herself feel better, there doesn't have to be another person in the mix.......

[n9688m]

No actually I will be paying the child support and she does make more than me but not that much

 

Does that mean you do not want equal custody? Why not?

[skinman]

Does that mean you do not want equal custody? Why not?

 

Well that wasn't what i meant.. i do want equal custody and will still help with the support.. My daughter is involved in many activities that cost money.. i am not going to let my STBXW shoulder all the responsibility......

[n9688m]

Well that wasn't what i meant.. i do want equal custody and will still help with the support.. My daughter is involved in many activities that cost money.. i am not going to let my STBXW shoulder all the responsibility......

 

Do you have legal counsel?

 

If you have equal custody and she earns more money than you do then she should pay you a regular sum of money weekly or monthly. In addition to that, you will likely each be responsible for some proportion of various ongoing child-related expenditures.

[PWSX3]

And if you feel bad for taking it from you, go ahead & take it & then give it to me, I can use it.....:laugh::laugh:

[skinman]

And if you feel bad for taking it from you, go ahead & take it & then give it to me, I can use it.....:laugh::laugh:

 

Thanks for your concern guys but I have everything under control with regards to this....... I just need to learn ow to quit thinking about her and what she is doing... Those are the things I need help with.. You can say all you want foucs on other stuff.. well it aint happening the thouhts always go back to my wife...

 

to think I have been thinking of her for 15 years and now it hurts to imagine her with someone else or not caring anymore.. Those are the things i need help with...

[LakesideDream]

Thanks for your concern guys but I have everything under control with regards to this....... I just need to learn ow to quit thinking about her and what she is doing... Those are the things I need help with.. You can say all you want foucs on other stuff.. well it aint happening the thouhts always go back to my wife...

 

to think I have been thinking of her for 15 years and now it hurts to imagine her with someone else or not caring anymore.. Those are the things i need help with...

 

 

Skinman, The only way you can do to avoid "thinking" about her is to make sure you are thinking about something else. This is difficult at least at first. Goes to that "train the mind" stuff from the beginning of the thread.

 

When "it" happened to me I decided to do new stuff. Already an accomplished "family" cook I decided to started to experiment in the kitchen with new recepits. Learning to do the deep housekeeping was another way to keep busy. Then there was learning the ins and outs of paint brushes and rollers. Finally I decided to sod the front lawn. That was almost a month of "free time" gobbled up. There there was the single malt Scotch.

 

Now the Scotch didn't make the problems go away, what it did was make me not give a damn. Doesen't work for everyone.

 

It's not going to be easy. It's sad to watch (even virtually) this happen to what seems to be a prtty good guy. Sorry ol son. Sorry.

[skinman]

Skinman, The only way you can do to avoid "thinking" about her is to make sure you are thinking about something else. This is difficult at least at first. Goes to that "train the mind" stuff from the beginning of the thread.

 

When "it" happened to me I decided to do new stuff. Already an accomplished "family" cook I decided to started to experiment in the kitchen with new recepits. Learning to do the deep housekeeping was another way to keep busy. Then there was learning the ins and outs of paint brushes and rollers. Finally I decided to sod the front lawn. That was almost a month of "free time" gobbled up. There there was the single malt Scotch.

 

Now the Scotch didn't make the problems go away, what it did was make me not give a damn. Doesen't work for everyone.

 

It's not going to be easy. It's sad to watch (even virtually) this happen to what seems to be a prtty good guy. Sorry ol son. Sorry.

 

Thanks LakesideDream,

I tried your suggestions of only thinking for an hour at a time... well my problem seems to be that I can do that for a few minutes and stop but then the thoughts always come back... I can do the hour but it usually an hour all through out the day. I appreciate all of your advice from going through it yourself.. I have been messing around in the kitchen more.. my wife was an excellent cook and i do indeed miss her cooking but lately I have been experimenting some myself...

 

still when your alone its tough to keep the thoughts away.. I blew the leavse out of the yard for 3 hours today... still all the thoughts were there. Thanks for the compliment... I am a pretty good guy the wife and all her family thought so to before she poisoned their minds with her rubbish... The dreams have stopped for the moment and in time the thoughts will to... I just have to get through the holiday and hopefully it will get easier. I took my daughter home tonight,,that is the toughest part of this ... it breaks my heart dropping her off........ I never thought I would have to do that in this marriage..

 

After my first marriage broke up I had to do that too.. my daughter was only 2 then and she would cry and make a fuss... I never could deal with that to well... this one is older and i can see it on her face how much it hurts her.. which hurts me... makes me wonder if her mom see's it to..

 

Thanks again LD. .... I appreciate you following my personal H#LL

[pelicanpreacher]

Lakeside, Owl, and Gunny spent a goodly amount of time slinging arms and standing the wall as they've been trained to discipline their minds by the military. Instead of joining the French Foreign Legion take a yoga or Tae Kwon Do class. There you'll learn techniques to focus, relax, strengthen, and discipline your mind so that you can control your thoughts or at least determine when and where you'll have them regarding your wife.

[sumdude]

It's 'training' the mind. Which means it takes while to get there and you have to keep practicing. If you don't get enough sleep and are tired you'll find it harder to keep it going. Also, the old adage "idle hands do the devils work" comes to mind. IOW if you're not busy you have too much time to think.

[LakesideDream]

Skin, You are doing it right. Rome wasn't built in a day. Every minute you conquer your demon is a victory. The more minutes you can string together the bigger your victory. It's going to take time... a lot of time to get the routine working.

 

A few things I forgot. Go see some movies. Not just rent, go watch em at the theater, yes alone. My favorites were anything with Big Lizards, Big Bugs, and Guns in them. Any movie with two of the three was worth two hours watching it and another hour or two laughing about it. Some times watching them at home works too. Some of my favorites: Starship Troopers... record numbers of both Bugs and Guns. Alien 2, Preditor 1-2, Both the Alien Predator (bugs, guns, and really ugly aliens) The 1998 Godzilla was good too, Giant lizard and thousands of guns. Oh.. Dragon flicks are good too.

 

Reading also helps. I read all the Tom Clancy Novels, and all of his competitors like Brown. It's really easier than you think it will be. Get involved with detailed entertainment, and buy yourself a few hours of peace at a time.

 

That's the trick Skin. Grab a few hours here and there. Break the obsession to pity yourself whenever the oppertunity arises.

[skinman]

It's 'training' the mind. Which means it takes while to get there and you have to keep practicing. If you don't get enough sleep and are tired you'll find it harder to keep it going. Also, the old adage "idle hands do the devils work" comes to mind. IOW if you're not busy you have too much time to think.

 

Thanks SumDude,

how are you hanging in there buddy ? my problems seem unimportant to whats going on with you... are you doing ok friend ? thanks for checking in on me and offering help... I really appreciate it.

Skin

[skinman]

Well here is the latest drama in my life. I rceceived a call last night thinking it was my daughter.. well it turned out to be my wife.. I told her i didnt want to talk with her because I could tell she was pissed about something... well come to find out she had spoken with daughters about moving across the country to California... We now live in Virgina and I told her that I didnt want her to take the girls that I would fight for custody...

 

Well she has threatened to fight it out with me if I dont agree to either move with them or allow her to take them.. She has said that it will get ugly and she has the girls on her side and they are ready for a move..

this was always something that we had talked about in the past but once i threatened to sell the house this summer she has decided she doesn;t want to stay any longer in Va.... So i guess this leave me with a big decision..... I either let her go and move and have summer visitation and stuff... or I fight it and take the chance of alienating my daughters seeing that they are on her side.

 

or the other option is moving with them and starting a new life in California... I am not one that likes a lot of change.. I guess you could tell by reading my thread.. My wife thinks this would be a good opportunity for me to experience new way of life and different atmosphere.. i enjoyed California when i have visited her family and belive i could be happy out there trying new things and seeing new places... but it scare me to.. leaving everything that has become familiar.. I have lived in VA my entire 44 years and maybe its time for a change........

 

what are your all thoughts ????

[sumdude]

What exactly does she have in mind? Move out there staying together as a family or move out there separated/divorced?

 

You two are entering dangerous territory possibly using the kids as chips in this game. A cool head must prevail. Whether you two divorce or not some sort of family counseling should happen for the children's sake. Some sort of sane dialogue must happen. Someone needs to breathe deep ten times and think more about the big picture of what's best for them.

 

Huge life decisions made under emotional duress rarely work out for the best.

[n9688m]

what are your all thoughts ????

 

Fight it.She may back down.She also may lose the fight.If she wins, odds are your fight will earn you better visitation or child support terms.Usually you cannot ethically merge child custody negotiations with financial issues but this may be an exception.I see no up-side to just rolling over here.

[teerockness]

I've been following your thread for a while. I've been pulling for you. I'm really surprised by this turn of events, but I have a feeling the more experienced guys won't be.

 

I have no experience with kids or custody issues, but I can say I would surely fight. She's already turned your life upside down; now she wants to take your kids OR force you to move clear across the country?

 

I don't know the background - maybe if you love California or had plans (as an individual) to live there, maybe not so bad.

 

(Can somebody with legal experience chime in here? It seems unlikely to me that a court would allow uprooting of kids from their school, friends without cause).

 

I fear her next step may be invention of some horrible thing (abuse) to get her way. I'd hire lawyer and start watching your back. Private investigator?

[skinman]

What exactly does she have in mind? Move out there staying together as a family or move out there separated/divorced?

 

You two are entering dangerous territory possibly using the kids as chips in this game. A cool head must prevail. Whether you two divorce or not some sort of family counseling should happen for the children's sake. Some sort of sane dialogue must happen. Someone needs to breathe deep ten times and think more about the big picture of what's best for them.

 

Huge life decisions made under emotional duress rarely work out for the best.

 

Thanks SumDude,

but she is bent on moving back home... she was raised on the west coast and wants our girls to experience the life she knew instead on the small town life we now live.

 

I have told her i would fight for my daughter and at least try for joint custody...but my girl and stepdaughter want to move.. they have even rold me I should move out there with them.... we wouldn't be a family that was together I would just be father that was closer to his children.... I must admit the more I have thought about it the more the idea appeals to me..... I have spent my entire life in Va... moving further out into the country with each move... the thought of new experiences and a different way of life kind of appels tp me but scare me at the same time...

 

I realize I could spend 10,000 to 15.000$ on a custody battle and end up losing or i could use that money for a fresh start in another state.... and still have my daughter whenever i wanted ...

at the moment I dont have a visitation or custody agreement and my wife has been great about me seeing the girls whenever my schedule permits...She has broken my heart and hurt me bad but she does not want me out of her and ours daughters life.

I know what its like to go through a nasty custody battle and lose..

in my first marriage I tried like Heck to get my daughter to only end up spending 12,000$ for what I could have had if i didnt try...

 

i guess I am torn... I know going out there I will not be with my wife but the endless possibilities for activities and new things excites me...

 

still on the fence but wanted to hear a few opinions...

 

thanks SumDude.. hope your doing well Friend !!

[n9688m]

at the moment I dont have a visitation or custody agreement and my wife has been great about me seeing the girls whenever my schedule permits...She has broken my heart and hurt me bad but she does not want me out of her and ours daughters life.

 

Skinman,

 

At the risk of seeming unsympathetic (which I am not), I think you are being really naive with reduced self-confidence and your soon-ex wife is taking advantage of this.

 

Hire a lawyer - really quickly. Get af formal custody agreement. Get child support. And fight this move.

 

If you don't, you may find that YOU will be subsidizing your wife's move to California as she steals your kids across the country and makes you pay chidl support as a non-custodial parent.

 

I repeat - I think you are very naive and susceptible to being taken advantage of due to your sadness - and your wife is exploiting that bigtime. Not only will that remove you from your children, but the money you wife extracts from you in the future may be far more than what you pay to a lawyer now.

 

On top of that - you can always earn more money. You can always replace your wife. You can never replace your kids. Don't surrender them - fight this with every dollar you have and every dollar you can beg, steal, or borrow. And make it known to your wife that you will do so. Not "maybe" you will "try" for joint custody - rather, you are "certain" you will win equal custody and you will go to the ends of the earth to achieve that.

[skinman]

I don't know the background - maybe if you love California or had plans (as an individual) to live there, maybe not so bad. I fear her next step may be invention of some horrible thing (abuse) to get her way. I'd hire lawyer and start watching your back. Private investigator?

 

Well thanks teerockness

for following my life the past few months... but to be honest its something that we always talked about while together.. for years she stated how much she hated VA. and only was living here for me while my mother was dying... now that we are divorcing she wants to give the girls a tatse of the life she grew up in....she wants to do it now before my stepdaughter graduates and goes to college She has been very hurtfull in her words towards me but i know in my heart that she would never do anything to me that would cause me to stop seeing my girls.

 

Her first husband live about 6 miles from where we lived and he quit seeing his daughter about 5 years ago.... She doesnt want that to happen to me and my daughter....I know a lot of the guys on here have been burned and screwed by the EX.s but i feel different about mine... in the past few days have come to terms with our marriage ending.... I know it wasnt all my fault but I have also figured out I wasnt happy either... she was the one who had the balls to save us both from years of misery together... Of course i still love my wife but I know that the marriage wasnt working... we just might be better suited to be friends...