She asked for space and I gave it to her

[skinman]

I remember those thoughts and they suck. Let me know if I can help you out in any way. Take care.

 

Thank you TrustInYourself,

 

If I could only believe in your name at this point...... maybe oneday !!

[TrustInYourself]

Thank you TrustInYourself,

 

If I could only believe in your name at this point...... maybe oneday !!

 

I read your reply to Confused9.

 

Who are you? What do you want? What is your strengths and weaknesses? What do you like to do?

 

There are advantages to your situation, it's just a matter of perspective and taking action.

 

Do you have friends? Do you have family? LOL, of course you do. Use your resources to expand your life. Do things you never did before. Enjoy life. Go all out. Pamper yourself. Live to the fullest.

 

Remember and get through the pain on your own terms, but don't dwell on the past or what could have been more than you have to. It's good to realize some issues in your personality and life that need to be answered for your own good. But feeling down and out because of someone else's choice is a complete and total waste of energy.

 

Life is too short to worry about what you have lost. There has to be a point where you start thinking about what you have gained and what lies ahead in your future. Trust me, it's not all bad. Happiness will come back to you in ways you can never imagine. Just be strong and hang in there. The more you take care of your own life, maybe the more your wife will realize what she is missing out on. No promises there, though! LOL.

[Confused9]

this seems to be the hardest part of my day. trying not to think of her. So many little insignificant things remind me of us, all my clothes were picked out with her help. I know it will get better but knowing how she could do this to our family and not show the least bit of sorrow or hurt tears me up. Someone whom I thought I really knew and loved, I would have given anything for this woman and look what she has done. I try and contain my bitterness for my girls sake but with each passing thought it gets harder to do.. That and seeing all of my dreams die along with my family is hard to swallow

 

thank you all for the support and good wishes.. Today will be rough but tomorrow may not be.......

 

 

I know Skinman, reading your posts bring tears to my eyes because this time last year I was you. I was devastated and soooo confused. Please try and make the best of everyday. I am so sorry for what is going on but it will get better. Take it one minute at a time if you have too. What she did...she did...let her carry that. Don't think about why she did what she did...let her think about that...you need to thinka bout waht yuo are goign to do now because to be honest...it doesn't matter why, how, when, etc all that matters is what YOU do now. Again, I am so sorry. I feel for you, I really do. Just prepare yourself for some sh*tty days and do whatever you can to get through them. Eventually you will feel better.

 

 

On a side note:

HI GUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Confused9]

I read your reply to Confused9.

 

Who are you? What do you want? What is your strengths and weaknesses? What do you like to do?

 

There are advantages to your situation, it's just a matter of perspective and taking action.

 

Do you have friends? Do you have family? LOL, of course you do. Use your resources to expand your life. Do things you never did before. Enjoy life. Go all out. Pamper yourself. Live to the fullest.

 

Remember and get through the pain on your own terms, but don't dwell on the past or what could have been more than you have to. It's good to realize some issues in your personality and life that need to be answered for your own good. But feeling down and out because of someone else's choice is a complete and total waste of energy.

Life is too short to worry about what you have lost. There has to be a point where you start thinking about what you have gained and what lies ahead in your future. Trust me, it's not all bad. Happiness will come back to you in ways you can never imagine. Just be strong and hang in there. The more you take care of your own life, maybe the more your wife will realize what she is missing out on. No promises there, though! LOL.

 

 

 

YES YES YES YES YES. Exactly!

[skinman]

I read your reply to Confused9.

 

Who are you?

 

Who am I ? damm good question.. I know who I was . someone who would have done anything for his family and wife whether working 2 jobs while she stayed home with our child or doing whatever it took to give them all a better life.

 

What do you want?

 

not sure of what I want. I want to be happy again. I want to own another home that has a yard i can work in. I want to get out of my brothers basement.

 

What is your strengths ?

 

who knows anymore I used to think I was a good husband and father to my children. I am a dedicated employee other than that i dont know.

 

Weaknesses ? who knows I guess my lack or really listening to my wife was a major problem, pushover when it came to my wife. I would always agree with her for the sake of not arguing even though I knew she was wrong.

 

 

What do you like to do?

 

I used to enjoy working in my yard and garden. I would spend hours cutting my grass and keeping everything so pretty. My wife always said we had the best looking yard in the neighborhood... Then she turned around and said if i didnt spend so much time in the yard and more time on my family i wouldnt be in this situation.

 

I like to travel we have taken 3 cross country trips in the past 7 years...

 

Thanks TrustInYourself,

 

I guess i needed to see what I have positive in my life. I havent done much self reflection lately.

[skinman]

I know Skinman, reading your posts bring tears to my eyes because this time last year I was you. I was devastated and soooo confused. Please try and make the best of everyday. I am so sorry for what is going on but it will get better. Take it one minute at a time if you have too. What she did...she did...let her carry that. Don't think about why she did what she did...let her think about that...you need to thinka bout waht yuo are goign to do now because to be honest...it doesn't matter why, how, when, etc all that matters is what YOU do now. Again, I am so sorry. I feel for you, I really do. Just prepare yourself for some sh*tty days and do whatever you can to get through them. Eventually you will feel better.

 

 

On a side note:

HI GUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Sh**tty days have been my life for the past 3 weeks Confused9,

 

I know they will get better and I will be better off in the long run for learning from my mistakes for the next time I find someone.. but that still doesn't make things easier i will take your all advice and try and let go.. there were a few days last week when I didnt talk with her or any contact and I felt at ease.. but this week has been harder. I have kept the email she wrote so when I feel like sh*t I can open it and re-read what she wrote.. if nothing else it will help me to move forward ...

 

thanks agian everyone who has offered a story or advice.. you are all in my thoughts and prayers.......

Skin

[Confused9]

I read your reply to Confused9.

 

Who are you?

 

Who am I ? damm good question.. I know who I was . someone who would have done anything for his family and wife whether working 2 jobs while she stayed home with our child or doing whatever it took to give them all a better life.

 

What do you want?

 

not sure of what I want. I want to be happy again. I want to own another home that has a yard i can work in. I want to get out of my brothers basement.

 

What is your strengths ?

 

who knows anymore I used to think I was a good husband and father to my children. I am a dedicated employee other than that i dont know.

 

Weaknesses ? who knows I guess my lack or really listening to my wife was a major problem, pushover when it came to my wife. I would always agree with her for the sake of not arguing even though I knew she was wrong.

 

 

What do you like to do?

 

I used to enjoy working in my yard and garden. I would spend hours cutting my grass and keeping everything so pretty. My wife always said we had the best looking yard in the neighborhood... Then she turned around and said if i didnt spend so much time in the yard and more time on my family i wouldnt be in this situation.

 

I like to travel we have taken 3 cross country trips in the past 7 years...

 

Thanks TrustInYourself,

 

I guess i needed to see what I have positive in my life. I havent done much self reflection lately.

 

 

Skinman, your wife blaming you is only her way of trying to not take responsibility for what she did. Were both of you responsible? Yes, but even if you ddin't spend so much time in the yard mowing it...this still would have happened.

 

You are a good father and you most likely were a good husband but people change, people fall out of love, people leave, and some people come back and some people never do. Whatever the reasons of all of this the outcome is up to the person who is going through it. You can use this to make your life so much better than you ever imagined. The fog will start to clear and you will realize that life wasn't perfect with her and it won't be perfect without her, but, it will be what you make of it. You can't think about what you did or what you could have done you need to think about what you can do now to move on. What happened is in the past. I am not saying you shouldn't revisit your relationship to see what didn't work so you won't make the same mistkaes twice but you can't dwell. As hard as you want too...don't like everyone said...it's wasted energy. Your life is what you make of it. No one is going to be able to make you happy...you have to do that yourself. once you realize this it will be a h*ll of a lot easier. Take this experience and grow from it. LEarn from it. Most of all you can become a better person because of it. All these thigns are possible if you work hard.

 

My dad left my mom and it ruined her, but that's becasue she let it. I REFUSE to let that happen. I am going to make my ex leaving be the best ting that ever happened to me. If he ends up happy - fine, if he ends up miserable, fine (yeah, right, we all know I hope he's miserable he he!) but my focus has to be on me not him and what he's doing with his new life. Waht am I going to do with mine is the question. Same goes for you.

 

Let her go...even if she comes to her senses and wants you back...perhaps that's not even what you want...for now...let her go. IT's all you can do. The past is the past...leave it there and move on.

[Confused9]

PS. I know it's so much easier said than done and all you want to do is hold on. You heal however you see fit. But, one day, the fog will lift and you will see what I mean.

 

I know you are hurt, confused adn so angry that this is 'easy' for her. You think your story is different than everyone else's that she is just confused and will come back. You don't see any signs and think that she's only saying certain things becasue she still loves you, etc. For you, this may be the case...but I thought the same things and he left and never looked back. Am I still shocked? Yes. Do I still cry? Sometimes. Do I wish I was with him? No! Will I love him forever? Yes. Do I sometimes still want to be the one that got away? Msot of the time, yes. But, I have discovered that there is a whole world out there. I flew on a plane for the first time in my life and conquered my biggest fear in doing so. Something I doubt I would have ever done with him. I really was settling in many ways and that wasn't fair for him or myself. Life is about ups and downs and some of them s*ck @ss, but using them and turning them in to something positive is a gift we all have a chance in doing. IT's hard but we can make the best of everything. You will feel better. Maybe not tomorrow or even in a month but some day you will and a year from now you can be sitting in the same chair but a whole different seat...if you know what I mean!

[guttedandconfused]

Confused9 - just when I thought I couldnt cry anymore. You seem so incredibly postive when I really just want to crawl into a whole and drink chablis until my mouth dont work anymore.....I hope I feel the way you sound in a year cos I certainly am quite the opposite now.

 

Back to the original poster though - read the advice on your whole thread again. and again. I feel pretty much in your shoes but I have gotten alot out of this post. My - what is he now? - husband is not here, I dont know where he is he wont answer the phone when I call him so I can only assume he is out with someone else. gutting as this time last week he wanted to move forward with me, but this ***** happens. I am trying to stop the thoughts that are ruining me - read a great book some time back that I need to find by the chicken soup for your soul guy(I think) read everything you can to get your head around this and try to stop the thoughts as they come to you - book points this out on about page 3 to save you grief.

 

You know, as I am writing this and getting some kind of cleansing in doing it I am almost glad he is not here. I have the time to get this out, to start to think about me. It might take you a month of sundays but we need to start focusing on ourselves. Without forgetting the people around us but with us as the focus. Keep reading and typing away on this forum, for the second time tonight I have to say it gives me huge comfort that there are other people here with similar experiences, heartbreaks but who can now proffer such sage advice. It takes understanding and clarity to do that, our fogs will lift. Event though mine is pea soup at the minute, I get the feeling everyone on here has been in the same spot and it will lift.

[TrustInYourself]

Well, said Confused9.

 

We all make mistakes, so don't feel like you are to blame, because it takes two people to make a relationship work.

 

Looking at your response, I can tell you need to reclaim yourself and realize what makes you such a fantastic guy. It's not hard to be yourself and live life to the fullest for your own sake. You just have to take that first step and it's damn hard, but you take another...and another..and eventually you're pain isn't as bad. A few months and years later you are smiling and laughing and can look back and say wow, what a journey.

 

I hope you feel better, man.

[Confused9]

gutted, please look at my original posts...even some dating back to June...then I don't think I have any as I didn't really post for a while, but seriously....look at where I was, I was saying the same stuff. YOU WILL GET THROUGH THIS.

 

My whole life fell apart. I was a mess. Walking dead for so long. I felt awful. My x was the end all be all. I felt incomplete. Dead. Devastated. He was a monster who made me feel soooo bad. Blaming me then replacing me in the blink of an eye. Trust me, I was soooooo bad fro sooo long. Then it just clicked and I said Feck it it's over and I am goign to get on with my life. He sure had. You will get there. IT just takes so much work. Trust me there are days I still can't believe I am where I am, but it gets better. Please believe me on that. I was hopeless. I didn't want to live anymore. I felt used, abused, betrayed, awful.

 

It gets better. You will get there. I promise. Believe in yourself and your strength. I never thought I would be 'one of those people' posting postive stories out of these messes like this. Even though I don't have my happily ever after and I am not with anyone yet...I know I will be when I am ready and I will be much better. Eff my x he is a lloser who will always have to carry what he did to me...now that I am almost over it...I am done with it and don't have to live with ripping someone apart. IF he is half the man I thought he was...he thinks about it...but you know what - I stpopped caring what he thought about ti...and that was the point of no return. He left so screw him.

 

Stay at it...you will get there. Please message me if you need anything.

[guttedandconfused]

I have made this post about myself and for that I feel guilty but the truth is I ned some support too and although I am happy to share, any help much appreciated.

 

Confused9 I would love to message you but I cant work out this site. Wine? Hey hoo, I feel soo empty and alone. I know it will all take time and I sooo appreciate all the tales of people who have survived but that the minute it feels so like it will never happen.

 

I am lucky in that I have a few amazing friends one of hwom is going through the same thing with his partner albeit 3500 miles away but it is still soo hard.

 

I dont want to be bloody eyore in front of the rest of my friends - they are true fiends who understand but still dont want to be nothing but a negative vibe. trying to joke and be positive but it is soooooo very hard.

 

The worst bit is feeling he is out with someone else. I asked him, he said no but deep down I know the truth. I have been married to him for ten years.

 

He doesnt deserve me and if he wants to be off with someone else then so be it, his loss but at the same time, so very gutting. I have never mistreated him and I dont know why I should deserve this. I dont. I have never done anything to deserve this but on the contrary its his bad behaviour that has brought about our demise but at the same time I cant help feeling so very hurt.

 

Anyway, no answer that will make me feel better - its down to me to take responsibility for the way I feel. So ****ing hard but the truth, I hate the truth and I didnt deserve what Igot but as you said earlier, life aint fair.

[sumdude]

.. so many thoughts that I cant get out of my head that are driving me further in despair. It was hard getting up this morning after lying awake most of the night. Even booze hasnt helped exercise her spirit away from me.. Its getting harder each day to function and work is suffering...

 

I prey for strength but so far I have none, I prey for forgiveness but it hasnt come, I prey that each day will be better than the previous... So far they havent been........

 

Oh I know where you are my man... all to well. Strap on your safety belt you are in the divorce coaster... it twists, turns, bumps, bruises.. you will feel total deep grief, anger, confusion, disbelief, absolute rage and everything in between. You'll probably go from laughing out loud, to sobbing like a baby, to screaming obscenities a sailor would be proud of all within a span of 5 minutes. As time goes by the ups and downs get less steep and shallower. You just have to hold on for a while...

 

AND?

 

 

You will survive it all!

 

Lay off the booze, be careful with that stuff. It irrigates the emotions and depression. If you feel low you'll just feel lower. If you feel rage you'll just rage harder and possibly do something you'll regret.

 

The best therapy for me when I was in your shoes was exercise... lots and lot of exercise. It wears you out so you can sleep, it takes the pent up emotions and gives them somewhere to go. When all is said and done you also look and feel great.. all prepped for your new life. I lost close to 60 lbs on my divorce diet.

 

Everything confused9 said is also spot on.. then one day you'll come back here and help someone else through this part. That's part of healing to, helping someone else.

 

YOU"RE GONNA BE OK!

 

You just can't see that right now so we'll hold a flashlight here for ya through the darkest part of the tunnel ok?

[skinman]

Confused9, trustinyourself and Sumdude,

 

thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. Today was another tough day I had the chance to spend it with my oldest daughter (20) and youngest (12). My oldest is from my first marriage and she and my wife never got along and she is happy that we are no longer together. My youngest is from this marriage and she is having a tough time with it. Seeing her in such dispair breaks my heart she tried to be strong today as did I but there came a point when i couldn't hold back the tears for feeling so bad for what my daughter is going through. She is my world and the pain i see on her face tears me up inside with sorrow for what she feels and anger for her mother putting her and me through this. I appreciate all the advice that you all have offered.

 

Confused9,

by reading your responses I can tell you are a very special girl who has made the best out of a tough situation. You give me strength from reading your replies. I thank you and have you in my prayers. Someone will be very lucky to have you in their life after going through what you have to make you the person you are and the one your still becoming.

 

Trustinyourself,

Thank you for your replies. I know oneday soon I will take your name to mean so much more in my life. as you say i need to take that first step. It seems so hard to do right now I want to let go and begin healing but I dont want to let go either, I want to have hope that this is a phase or midlife crisis she is soing through but deep down I guess you are right it is best if i let go and dont feel so much regret for the way my marriage has turned out how we messed up my daughters life. You are in my prayers as well.

 

Sumdude,

thank you for you reply I will try and take your words to heart. I have gone through so many of the phases that you wrote of One minute fine the next balling my eyes out and cussing her name at the same time. I thank you and wish you the best.

 

I took confused9 advice and wrote my wife a letter last night. If did feel good to get some of my feelings off my chest and onto paper. It was hard Damm hard at times. I tried to forgive myself for my role in the breakup but that has been harder than anything. Iknow now i could have done so much more to make it work but she was the one who bailed. Gave up thinking the grass will be greener on the other side of the fence. I looked at her the other night and thought to myslef... "dang she is looking old why are you feeling so bad about this" then I thought she is probably thinking the same thing.....lol. one of my biggest fears is that I will turn 44 in March... who wants a 44 year old heart attack survivor that has gone through 2 failed marriages and cant even make himself happy...

 

I guess my answer is probably no one... but you all know I think i will be ok with that if thats how it turns out... I would love to see it turn out that way for the "wife" but at this point I am not bitter.. that will come in

time.

 

Thanks again everyone.. I now have 3 more friends in my life and wish you all the best.. Tonight has been good.. lets hope tomorrow is even better.

 

Skin

[skinman]

Well today was another rough one. Last night she called and wanted to see if I was coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. Here is someone who at the beginning of the week told me to leave her alone and get on with my life and now she asking me to dinner at my house.. the one that after 3 weeks I feel like a total stranger in. One that was built for us. I am so torn about what to do. my youngest daughter is so looking forward to me coming to dinner but I am not sure if I can handle that at this point. I have apent 15 Thanksgiving with this woman and now I will feel like a guest in my own home. It hurts so bad some days when i stop by and see my girls not knowing who has been there while i'm gone. Thoughts that have haunted me for the past 3 weeks are haunting me still. I have tried like you all have suggested to stop the thoughts as they come but sometimes the feeling are to hard to supress. I woke up this morning from a dream,, or more like a nightmare where I was with my family and we were all having such a good time.. somewhere in the dream I had left for a while and when I came back I found my wife with another man.. she looked up at laughed when I walked in a started crying... needless to say sleep was not happening after that. I laid in bed thinking and wondering

how true that it might have been. I used to think my wife would have done anything for me. now it seems as if she is doing everything possible to make me hurt, knowing the power that she has over my emotions and feelings knowing just what to say to break me even further. sometimes life sucks and today is one of those days I prey for strength tonight .......

[TrustInYourself]

Well today was another rough one. Last night she called and wanted to see if I was coming over for Thanksgiving dinner. Here is someone who at the beginning of the week told me to leave her alone and get on with my life and now she asking me to dinner at my house.. the one that after 3 weeks I feel like a total stranger in. One that was built for us. I am so torn about what to do. my youngest daughter is so looking forward to me coming to dinner but I am not sure if I can handle that at this point. I have apent 15 Thanksgiving with this woman and now I will feel like a guest in my own home. It hurts so bad some days when i stop by and see my girls not knowing who has been there while i'm gone. Thoughts that have haunted me for the past 3 weeks are haunting me still. I have tried like you all have suggested to stop the thoughts as they come but sometimes the feeling are to hard to supress. I woke up this morning from a dream,, or more like a nightmare where I was with my family and we were all having such a good time.. somewhere in the dream I had left for a while and when I came back I found my wife with another man.. she looked up at laughed when I walked in a started crying... needless to say sleep was not happening after that. I laid in bed thinking and wondering

how true that it might have been. I used to think my wife would have done anything for me. now it seems as if she is doing everything possible to make me hurt, knowing the power that she has over my emotions and feelings knowing just what to say to break me even further. sometimes life sucks and today is one of those days I prey for strength tonight .......

 

Sounds like an issue with how your percieve the situation. Change your perception and go there with a mindset to enjoy your time with your family, regardless of your relationship problems. Your marriage is just one facet of your total being...one small facet.

[skinman]

Sounds like an issue with how your percieve the situation. Change your perception and go there with a mindset to enjoy your time with your family, regardless of your relationship problems. Your marriage is just one facet of your total being...one small facet.

 

Thanks,

but it is still hard to see her and have to deal with the facts of what she has done and said over these 3 weeks... who knows maybe by time thanksgiving comes around she will have changed her mind.

[TrustInYourself]

You're being reactive to your wife's behavior. She is in control. You are setting yourself up to feel disappointment, anger, negatively about Thanksgiving even before you go or decide to go.

 

Ultimately it's your choice. Best wishes!

[Confused9]

SKin, I wrote responses for what your wrote down below in the quote area....I wanted to touch on some of what you wrote.

 

 

Confused9, trustinyourself and Sumdude,

 

 

 

Confused9,

by reading your responses I can tell you are a very special girl who has made the best out of a tough situation. You give me strength from reading your replies. I thank you and have you in my prayers. Someone will be very lucky to have you in their life after going through what you have to make you the person you are and the one your still becoming.

 

Thank you! I can only hope one day to be able to fall in love and trust someone again. That will be a hug hurdle once the time comes. Keep the strength and faith...whatever you can do to move on and move forward...do it.

 

 

who wants a 44 year old heart attack survivor that has gone through 2 failed marriages and cant even make himself happy...

 

Ok, first of all...you CAN make yourself happy...you just have to do it. No one else can make you happy. I am sure when you were married you weren't always happy, even though you had someone in your life...right? Being happy with what you have at the moment is important. You can think of what if or why or how that will only bring you do. As for the heart attacks...SURVIVOR, you're a survivor...embrace that. Goign through a heart attack is tough (my dad had one as well) that is hard...just like that...you will get trhough this...

 

I guess my answer is probably no one... but you all know I think i will be ok with that if thats how it turns out... I would love to see it turn out that way for the "wife" but at this point I am not bitter.. that will come in

time.

 

You will only be alone forever if you chose to be. Shutting yourself off and feeling negative is only going to bring you down. As for what happesn to your wife...that's her problem now, not yours. I know you want her to hurt for the rest of her life and you want her to always be sad, etc. but seriously, stop putting forth so much effort on how you want her to feel and put it towards making your life better. It's such wasted energy doing caring about what happens to her in terms of her love life. Her love life is not your concern...not anymore. That's a hard pill to swallow but it's true.

 

Thanks again everyone.. I now have 3 more friends in my life and wish you all the best.. Tonight has been good.. lets hope tomorrow is even better.

 

Skin

 

 

I know you will have bad days and good days but you need to keep plugging away. Whatever you can do to get your mind of it for even just a moment...do it. You really need to try and focus on yourself and stop thinking of your x. I know that's the hardest thing to do but it will benefit you soooooo well. She may ask you to go places or come to holiday's whatever. but, take them for what they are...don't read in to everything too much. Unless she says I want you back...that's when you can think she wants you back. Ok? Try not to read in to everyhting. I know you want to but it will only hurt you if it never comes to fruition. You can do this...

[skinman]

I know you will have bad days and good days but you need to keep plugging away. Whatever you can do to get your mind of it for even just a moment...do it. You really need to try and focus on yourself and stop thinking of your x. I know that's the hardest thing to do but it will benefit you soooooo well. She may ask you to go places or come to holiday's whatever. but, take them for what they are...don't read in to everything too much. Unless she says I want you back...that's when you can think she wants you back. Ok? Try not to read in to everyhting. I know you want to but it will only hurt you if it never comes to fruition. You can do this...

 

thanks Confused9,

it is tough I have tried so hard but haven't been able to stop. I tried thinking of other things and moving forward but the thoughts keep coming. I am growing tired of her grip on me and were not even talking. I think she knows just what affect she has on me and is using it to her advantage. I tried to keep busy this weekend doing things for me and my girls but after they left I was still all alone. I wnet and bought curtains for my room yesterday something i have never done before. I bought an iron because she has the other one. I am doing thing i never thought i would have to do..... how do you not think about things while your doing that..

[Confused9]

I also wrote some responses to your original thread...they came out italicized but I want you to read them so I am pointing them out here...

 

Shopping for my new apartment was the worst. I was a mess. Although I wasn't with my x for as long as you were with your wife we were together for 7 years and I had never lived alone, or on my own, besides college without him. As I said earlier, I would see couples and want to hurt them - it pissed me off that they were together and had someoen to hold a hand with, etc. at that time is was so much worse because I didn't have to wonder if he was with someone else - I knew he was and that killed me. I imagined him shoppign with her and didn't understand how after knowing her for just a month or two and knowing me for years how he could chose her over me.

 

It killed me to think of it and even though people told me to stop thinking of it. I couldn't. I didn't understand how to and when I tried it only worked for a second. Truth is, it's goign to hurt, you are going to think of it and when yuo do the thoughts will drive you nuts. If you can stop them, acknowledge them and try to think about what YOU are going to do with your new found freedom. Replace the negative thoughts with something positive. It will be hard as h*ll to find something positive but try.

 

Listen, you can't beat yourself up over how sad you are and why you can't stop thinking of her or being sad. This is a traumatic experience and you will heal how you will heal. I guess the moral of this story though is to not let this break you. However you get over this is your path but getting over it and not letting this break you is the important part.

 

I have my days where I am really sad. Today for instance, I am not having the best day. I am lonely beyond believe and wish I had someone in my life. My x and I were suppossed to get married a month and a year from today, so it would have been my 1 month anniversary, instead, he is married and has a new born...but with someoen else, a woman he has known for just over a year. I feel completely replaceable. We speny 7 years together and I barely got a phone call breaking off our engagement. Then he moved 1,000s of miles away and that was it. Now, I could crawl in to a ball on my bed and cry about this or get up, go to work, and get on with my life. I chose the later because I deserve to have a good life. I still think about the fact that he gets to live 'happily ever after' while I still grieve, and that pizzes me off but there's nothing I can do to change it.

 

He showed little signs of being sad and that killed me. Was he just pretending? Who knows. Some days I think yes, but that doens't matter anymore. Waht matters is...he's gone and he has no control over how I feel. He doesn't see me everyday and there is no reason why his actions now should effect me as he is not apart of my life. I was letting him effect me still and that was somethign I had to stop. IS it hard...h*ll yes, but it's do-able.

 

You can do this. How you do it is up to you, but you just need to be cognative about what you are allowing in your head. You can keep this negative self talk forever. IT will only bring you down. What you need to do is figure out how to get yourself out of the blame game and it to the I will make them best out of my new situation game.

 

There is no timetable on recovery, but the days that pass you will never get back. Do something everyday to make yourself laugh, and smile. As hard as it is. The more time goes by the more laughs you'll have and that glimpse of your old self...the one before you and your X were even together will come back and you will remember things you always wanted to do and you will get excited that you can now do them.

 

You are only 44...you have a long life ahead of you...this next year will be about grieving, getting over, and transition...after that...the possibiliteis are endless. Get excited abotu that!!!

[skinman]

I also wrote some responses to your original thread...they came out italicized but I want you to read them so I am pointing them out here...

 

Shopping for my new apartment was the worst. I was a mess. Although I wasn't with my x for as long as you were with your wife we were together for 7 years and I had never lived alone, or on my own, besides college without him. As I said earlier, I would see couples and want to hurt them - it pissed me off that they were together and had someoen to hold a hand with, etc. at that time is was so much worse because I didn't have to wonder if he was with someone else - I knew he was and that killed me. I imagined him shoppign with her and didn't understand how after knowing her for just a month or two and knowing me for years how he could chose her over me.

 

It killed me to think of it and even though people told me to stop thinking of it. I couldn't. I didn't understand how to and when I tried it only worked for a second. Truth is, it's goign to hurt, you are going to think of it and when yuo do the thoughts will drive you nuts. If you can stop them, acknowledge them and try to think about what YOU are going to do with your new found freedom. Replace the negative thoughts with something positive. It will be hard as h*ll to find something positive but try.

 

Listen, you can't beat yourself up over how sad you are and why you can't stop thinking of her or being sad. This is a traumatic experience and you will heal how you will heal. I guess the moral of this story though is to not let this break you. However you get over this is your path but getting over it and not letting this break you is the important part.

 

I have my days where I am really sad. Today for instance, I am not having the best day. I am lonely beyond believe and wish I had someone in my life. My x and I were suppossed to get married a month and a year from today, so it would have been my 1 month anniversary, instead, he is married and has a new born...but with someoen else, a woman he has known for just over a year. I feel completely replaceable. We speny 7 years together and I barely got a phone call breaking off our engagement. Then he moved 1,000s of miles away and that was it. Now, I could crawl in to a ball on my bed and cry about this or get up, go to work, and get on with my life. I chose the later because I deserve to have a good life. I still think about the fact that he gets to live 'happily ever after' while I still grieve, and that pizzes me off but there's nothing I can do to change it.

 

He showed little signs of being sad and that killed me. Was he just pretending? Who knows. Some days I think yes, but that doens't matter anymore. Waht matters is...he's gone and he has no control over how I feel. He doesn't see me everyday and there is no reason why his actions now should effect me as he is not apart of my life. I was letting him effect me still and that was somethign I had to stop. IS it hard...h*ll yes, but it's do-able.

 

You can do this. How you do it is up to you, but you just need to be cognative about what you are allowing in your head. You can keep this negative self talk forever. IT will only bring you down. What you need to do is figure out how to get yourself out of the blame game and it to the I will make them best out of my new situation game.

 

There is no timetable on recovery, but the days that pass you will never get back. Do something everyday to make yourself laugh, and smile. As hard as it is. The more time goes by the more laughs you'll have and that glimpse of your old self...the one before you and your X were even together will come back and you will remember things you always wanted to do and you will get excited that you can now do them.

 

You are only 44...you have a long life ahead of you...this next year will be about grieving, getting over, and transition...after that...the possibiliteis are endless. Get excited abotu that!!!

 

thank you i know i have been dwelling on it way to long and your right there is no since in beating myself up over her actions. She chose to leave and i cant do anything about that. After reading your last response I started to feel a little more positive and tonight when i get home I am going to make a list of all the things I want with my new life. things i want to do and try where i see myself being in 5 years. this week will be about my daughter and me....... no ones else is going to make me happy but me....

 

Thank you Confused9.

i appreciate all your words of advice... now its time to get doing them... please keep checking in on me and i will try and update this on how things are going...

 

Skin (aka Richard)

[Confused9]

Anytime, Richard. I hope you have a good time with your daugher! I am sure she hates to see you like this but seeing you be strong will help her in the long run. Trust me on that!

 

It's going to be a really rough few months especially with the holiday's around the corner, but you can make it through. Just take it one day at a time and don't be so hard on yourself!!!

[skinman]

Anytime, Richard. I hope you have a good time with your daugher! I am sure she hates to see you like this but seeing you be strong will help her in the long run. Trust me on that!

 

It's going to be a really rough few months especially with the holiday's around the corner, but you can make it through. Just take it one day at a time and don't be so hard on yourself!!!

 

The tough part has been watching how it has effected her. She seems so down and i try and talk with her but she hasn't opened up yet.. I know it hurts her and to think that her mother doesnt see it..... she has told her friends and family that the girls are "fine" with all thats happening...

 

thanks again Friend !!!

[Confused9]

She'll come to you if she needs you. She may be talking it out with friends. As for your wife, she may be in denial or perhaps they girls are telling her they are fine. Who knows? All you can do is be a postive light to them and never talk bad about your wife to them...they don't need to be involved. They should pick sides even if one of you are inthe wrong...they can figure that out on their own...they will resent you if you push it on them. Trust me...my parent's did that to me. My dad cheated and had a new gf I didn't need my mom to tell me he was in teh wrong....