pelicanpreacher Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 thanks PP. its about time I had some fun with all the BS thats been going on... I have to say friend I enjoyed how fired up I had her today.... when I called her to talk I could tell she was stressing big time........ !! paybacks are hell sometimes !!! And the Angels of your mind continue their delicate surgery in removing the rose colored glasses that have lensed and layered the eyes of your heart lo this long nightmare unto which you've slumbered. Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 not sure if your a hunter skinman but alot of ststes now say you can't even own a gun now if you've had a pfa on you. just a heads up. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 31, 2008 Author Share Posted December 31, 2008 not sure if your a hunter skinman but alot of ststes now say you can't even own a gun now if you've had a pfa on you. just a heads up. Yes I am a hunter.... whats a pfa ? Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 PFA = Protection from abuse (order), generally resulting from domestic violence. Link to post Share on other sites
Nomad1 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Hi Skin. Why do WS get so angry when they were the cause of the breakup? Interesting question! Here is my theory. Almost invariably, the BS in response to the tyranny and recklessness of the affair, becomes irrational, angry etc. This is the response that the WS wants in order to justify the actions that destroyed the family. However, when the BS goes through the process, for it is a process that all BSs must go through, the WS can no longer use the defense mechanism that has helped him or her compartmentalise events and actions in neat boxes. She / he must start pressing your buttons to get a reaction, hence the anger! By now other things are changing in the life of the WS. The shiny new toy (OM or OW) eventually begins to lose its glow. The fog gradually starts lifting, bringing into sharp focus the trail of destruction left behind, particularly when children are involved. The best way to deal with this situation is to ignore and hang up if necessary. Use the law if you have to. Zero tolerance! Good luck man. What you have described is eerily familiar. Nomad1 Link to post Share on other sites
mark982 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 skinman, never meant to imply that you'd come to violence. if so i'm sorry. it's just that you talked about driving past ex's house while bro watched your daughter. she may take that as threating. and report your azz. just keep busy, join the gym, you'll look good in no time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 31, 2008 Author Share Posted December 31, 2008 skinman, never meant to imply that you'd come to violence. if so i'm sorry. it's just that you talked about driving past ex's house while bro watched your daughter. she may take that as threating. and report your azz. just keep busy, join the gym, you'll look good in no time. no offense taken... I would never resort to violence... she would have me taken in ASAP... dont need anything like that to have to worry about Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 I know PP, but I thought we were different , thought that I had indeed found "the one" after dating and then getting back together...Today has been difficult when I got in there was an email from her waiting for me.......Sadly I opened it thinking it was a reply about picking up my daughter......well it wasnt.. she told me I was delusional and I needed to grow op and move on..she also had to state that "she didn't like me"......I was doing good yesterday but now the thought are back.... I cant help thinking how someone I cared so much about could hate so easily........ it breaks my heart... thanks for the words of encouragement......... Pfft, those emails are control tactics. She once to have her hooks in your heart and knowing she still has power over your emotions is enabling her ruthless and careless behavior. The more non-chalant you are and the faster you move forward with your life, the more she will use these control tactics. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Well I think she has finally lost it or someting is up... I got an email today from her telling me to F-off quite a few times and that she F-ing hated me... Now when I drop off my daughter she is as nice as can be... gives me a crap load of tupperware that I was going to buy from her........makes me wonder what up her sleeve....she even told me in the email to go out a F-someone and get it out of the way..... I am going to print out this email just incase i do decide later to have some fun and she tries to get me later for adultry.... Tomorrow I plan on really getting her fired up... I plan on sending her another email with the picture she cropped me out of.... telling her what a nice picture it is and if I hadn't been there with her you would have never known I was even there.....that will at least let her know that I know what she was up to.... have to see what becomes of that !!!! Damn I do belive I am starting to enjoy stressing her A$$ out....... I wonder why you would continue playing these games. She is just going hot and cold to play games with your mind, more control tactics if you ask me. You are validating this behavior by reacting to it in a manner that benefits her. You think you are stressing her? She has a boyfriend and someone to run to. She can trash you all day and then play nice, because you will put up with it. You will even play along with these sick games, thinking you are getting the upper hand. There is no upper hand when you are both trying to destroy each others hearts and minds. Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Skin--I hear you on the "I hate you" emails/communications. Can anyone (again) theorize as to why the WS continues to hate when they were the one's that wanted to leave? Skins story is eerily similar to many out here. The coldness is unbelievable. I thought that by going NC, not pining after her, not going down to her level was the right way to go but the icicles just keep coming and coming....just like Skin says. What the f is up with that? There must be another tactic to mentally disarm the WS so there is at least civilness. Anyone have any thoughts on how to disarm the anger? Sorry..don't mean to hijack the thread Skin... NFT your post makes me think my situation is also very similar to yours. My STBXW has never admitted to a PA, only an attraction to OM. She also was the cold one from the start. Another characteristic I've noticed is irresponsibility and immaturity. Before all this, she seemed pretty reliable and responsible. Once all of it came out, she was cold to the touch, no longer the friendly woman I married. Also, her reliability went to nothing. Now, if I need something from her, I have to remind her 6 times before I get it done. I also can't count on her to be where she says she's going to be on time, if at all. It's the oddest thing. To answer your question, I'm not sure if I know how to disarm them. Mine has been pretty civil, just emotionless toward me. I've been thru NC and broke it and tried the friends thing. I'm probably somewhere in the middle with her right now. I'm friendly, but not friends, if that makes sense. Working with her, it's almost impossible to do NC for me, so it's the next best thing. The bad thing I get to hear about is the guys she meets on the weekends in clubs and how they wanted her number but she tells them she's either divorcing, separated, or married and that changes weekly. So very odd. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Don't bother riding by the house. First, you don't really want to know what she's up to. If it's bad, you'll be hurt. If it's good, you get false hope. Also, anything you do that interferes with her freedom will cause two things. One, she'll push you further away. Two, she'll seek court intervention in the form of a protective or stay away order. Someone earlier asked why the X is so bitter when they kicked us to the curb. That is a really good question I've often pondered. My wife kicked me to the curb and then set out to destroy me....literally. It's almost like they blame us for making them wreck the family unit. There are so many issues here, I can't go into them all but suffice it to say it's a very normal phenomenon. People have a hard time externalizing their perspectives. It's easy to cast blame, rather than take responsibility. Especially those who decide to leave a marriage. At that point, it's all about them. And that bitterness, it's just a defense mechanism. It can't be their fault, so it's yours(ours). The more you move forward in a constructive and adult fashion, and the more their lives fall apart, the more you are to blame. If you give up on them, in their selfish fog, the more they grow angered. Stop caring. That's the first step. They have already. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Hi Skin. Why do WS get so angry when they were the cause of the breakup? Interesting question! Here is my theory. Almost invariably, the BS in response to the tyranny and recklessness of the affair, becomes irrational, angry etc. This is the response that the WS wants in order to justify the actions that destroyed the family. However, when the BS goes through the process, for it is a process that all BSs must go through, the WS can no longer use the defense mechanism that has helped him or her compartmentalise events and actions in neat boxes. She / he must start pressing your buttons to get a reaction, hence the anger! By now other things are changing in the life of the WS. The shiny new toy (OM or OW) eventually begins to lose its glow. The fog gradually starts lifting, bringing into sharp focus the trail of destruction left behind, particularly when children are involved. The best way to deal with this situation is to ignore and hang up if necessary. Use the law if you have to. Zero tolerance! Good luck man. What you have described is eerily familiar. Nomad1 Good post, the more you play this game, the more you spiral into her realm of control. She's pulling reactions from you and it's validating her thought process. You are an a-hole and your behaviors are feeding this frame of mind. You want control over this situation, take control of your heart and mind and stop playing vindictive games. Stop feeding her behavior. She wants to fight and she wants your anger and malice. She wants all that negative energy from you, to feed her narcissism. Why bother with that endless cycle of malice. Do you want to end up hating this woman and vice versa? Let her hate you, but don't validate it with your own behavior. Let your kids have someone to model their behavior after. Your wife isn't doing it, so maybe you should take the high road? Brutal analysis, but you get my point! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 31, 2008 Author Share Posted December 31, 2008 Good post, the more you play this game, the more you spiral into her realm of control. She's pulling reactions from you and it's validating her thought process. You are an a-hole and your behaviors are feeding this frame of mind. You want control over this situation, take control of your heart and mind and stop playing vindictive games. Stop feeding her behavior. She wants to fight and she wants your anger and malice. She wants all that negative energy from you, to feed her narcissism. Why bother with that endless cycle of malice. Do you want to end up hating this woman and vice versa? Let her hate you, but don't validate it with your own behavior. Let your kids have someone to model their behavior after. Your wife isn't doing it, so maybe you should take the high road? Brutal analysis, but you get my point! Well you are so right... I do need to take the high road on this and not let her get to me... and no i dont want to hate her... My first wife and i had a terrible post marriage relationship and the one that suffered was my daughter... Thanks TIIY... good advice !! Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 Skinman (and others) - I am wondering for those of you who have been through this more than once, is the 2nd divorce easier or harder than the first emotionally? Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 31, 2008 Author Share Posted December 31, 2008 Skinman (and others) - I am wondering for those of you who have been through this more than once, is the 2nd divorce easier or harder than the first emotionally? Much harder if you ask me... my first wife and I were together only a couple years... This marriage has been almost 16 years so its has been quite a bit harder for me to take... especially since I am much older... When you 24 you have the world at your feet and could care less... now I am afraid of growing old alone... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 now I am afraid of growing old alone... I understand the sadness and anger of divorce and its complications and have that myself. But why the fear of growing old alone? If anything I think the odds favor men more as we grow older. I cannot think of any divorced male friend in fact who wanted to remarry and did not do so - can you? Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 31, 2008 Author Share Posted December 31, 2008 I understand the sadness and anger of divorce and its complications and have that myself. But why the fear of growing old alone? If anything I think the odds favor men more as we grow older. I cannot think of any divorced male friend in fact who wanted to remarry and did not do so - can you? I guess my self esteem has taken a pretty good beaten by my stbxw....I guess knowing that she has already found someone to replace me makes me doubt myself even more... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 I guess my self esteem has taken a pretty good beaten by my stbxw....I guess knowing that she has already found someone to replace me makes me doubt myself even more... What would you say to a friend who you were counseling in the same situation you are looking at the facts objectively? Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 31, 2008 Author Share Posted December 31, 2008 What would you say to a friend who you were counseling in the same situation you are looking at the facts objectively? I guess I would tell him that he is much better off without her... That he will find love again if he chooses to !! It does get better with time... !! that any woman that he finds will be lucky to have him... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted December 31, 2008 Share Posted December 31, 2008 I guess I would tell him that he is much better off without her... That he will find love again if he chooses to !! It does get better with time... !! that any woman that he finds will be lucky to have him... Corrrect.. you see - you helped yourself. Plus tell him that her actions clearly are selfish and self-serving and she is the last person on earth to declare someone else unworthy of love. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted December 31, 2008 Author Share Posted December 31, 2008 Corrrect.. you see - you helped yourself. Plus tell him that her actions clearly are selfish and self-serving and she is the last person on earth to declare someone else unworthy of love. Thanks n9, I appreciate the vote of confidence my friend !!! and your so right she is selfish... I pray daily that one day she will come to me with a request of some kind and I can laugh in her face.....My goal is to be so happy and content in my new single life that it will eat her up... once she see's how good i look this summer when I stop by to pick up my daughter.... Cant wait each time I see her she looks older and older... I guess thats one consolation out of all of this she is aging before my eyes.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 I wanted to thank all of the people who have taken the time out of their diffuclt lives to help me during my rough times..... You all have offered me inspiration, encouragement and hope for a brighter future... PP, Lakesidedream, PWS, TIIY, N9, Confused9, ilmw ...... and so many more I cant remember you all...... Sorry didnt want to forget Sumdude... You all have been a God send during the most difficult time in my life... I wish you all peace and so much happiness next year and know that if you ever make in down to VA... you will have a friend waiting... I wish you all Peace, happiness, Prosperity and the best life you can have...... I will always be gratefull for your continued support.... Thank you all..... I guess you can see that I was getting a little sentimental being alone and drinking will do that to you......... !!! but I do mean everything I have said... You all are special people who's former loveones dont realize just what they are missing out on... Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 I wanted to thank all of the people who have taken the time out of their diffuclt lives to help me during my rough times..... You all have offered me inspiration, encouragement and hope for a brighter future... PP, Lakesidedream, PWS, TIIY, N9, Confused9, ilmw ...... and so many more I cant remember you all...... Sorry didnt want to forget Sumdude... You all have been a God send during the most difficult time in my life... I wish you all peace and so much happiness next year and know that if you ever make in down to VA... you will have a friend waiting... I wish you all Peace, happiness, Prosperity and the best life you can have...... I will always be gratefull for your continued support.... Thank you all..... I guess you can see that I was getting a little sentimental being alone and drinking will do that to you......... !!! but I do mean everything I have said... You all are special people who's former loveones dont realize just what they are missing out on... You'll make it my friend, just be strong for your daughter and keep your head up. As we make this change in our lives, we grow to be better people and we don't need someone else to be at our side. I'm starting to really take to heart the phrase, "That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger". Everytime you have to face a traumatic or stressful event like this one in your life, you grow stronger each time. Eventually, you will be able to do anything you want to, on your own w/o someone there beside you. Stay strong my friend! Mountains 10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 1, 2009 Author Share Posted January 1, 2009 You'll make it my friend, just be strong for your daughter and keep your head up. As we make this change in our lives, we grow to be better people and we don't need someone else to be at our side. I'm starting to really take to heart the phrase, "That which doesn't kill me makes me stronger". Everytime you have to face a traumatic or stressful event like this one in your life, you grow stronger each time. Eventually, you will be able to do anything you want to, on your own w/o someone there beside you. Stay strong my friend! Mountains 10 Thanks Mountains 10... and you are right friend .. once we make it through the most difficult times we will be stronger and better prepared for what lies ahead....I lived alone for 5 or 6 years before my stbxw came back into my life... knowing now what i do i will be better prepared for the next adventure that lies before me..... I wish you the best yourself buddy... keep strong and know that you have people that care about you !!! even total strangers...... You know thats ironic... I spent close to 16 years with my stbxw and she could care less about me... yet here you and others on here...who dont know me from Adam care about my well being and wish only the best for me............ Thank you my friend for giving me faith in humanity !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted January 1, 2009 Share Posted January 1, 2009 Thanks Mountains 10... and you are right friend .. once we make it through the most difficult times we will be stronger and better prepared for what lies ahead....I lived alone for 5 or 6 years before my stbxw came back into my life... knowing now what i do i will be better prepared for the next adventure that lies before me..... I wish you the best yourself buddy... keep strong and know that you have people that care about you !!! even total strangers...... You know thats ironic... I spent close to 16 years with my stbxw and she could care less about me... yet here you and others on here...who dont know me from Adam care about my well being and wish only the best for me............ Thank you my friend for giving me faith in humanity !!! I agree, it's weird to talk to each other anonymously, but it's great therapy for me to read about how others are handling their situation and to know I'm not alone in this long journey. I have to say though, I've gotten some great advice and I do my best to not let her trigger me into anger. Sometimes, I just have to vent to family or friends about it and then I'm able to be calm again. Just like you skin, I find myself amazed at the amount of caring a complete stranger has for me. It has been a Godsent for me on these forums, God bless these people who give advice. Mountains Link to post Share on other sites
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