Author skinman Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 I have to be honest with all the folks who have followed my thread... There are days when i would consider Taking my wife back knowing that she has given herself to another man... then there are the days when if given the chance i would wring her neck with my bare hands... I have been going through this for over 2 months now and It sucks.. I have days where I feel so confident about myself and my future but there are the days that I feel a total loss of my family and it hurts... I feel for any man or woman who is put into this situation by their significant other..... Knowing how they feel hopeless one day and totaly in control the next...All the time thier S.O is having the time of their lives not giving a damn what or how their best friend or wife or husband feels... I have had a rough time today and wanted to vent.... I saw my stbxw yesterday......... She was all f-ing smiles and happy.. I wanted to put the smackdown on her but i didnt.... I am better than that whether she see's that or not.... but it crossed my mind.......... She has put me through so much pain and sleepless nights for her own selffishness.... I want only the worse for her... I want her to feel the pain and misery she has caused me....... Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I have to be honest with all the folks who have followed my thread... There are days when i would consider Taking my wife back knowing that she has given herself to another man... Something my counselor has made me do is; write a list of things you would need to see change in your spouse. Remember it took both of you to get to this place. Examples for me are: Work on health, take responsibility help with isolation, connect with other people/friends I also look at the good in our marriage, not the bad & I forget that the stbxw had something to do with it even though she doesn't admit it. Someone suggested what he did was to ask his friends; what was it that I didn't like or what did she do that hurt our marriage????? That puts you bad in reality & that both parties would need to do changes before you would get back with them. Maybe it would help you I don't know but I wanted to share. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Something my counselor has made me do is; write a list of things you would need to see change in your spouse. Remember it took both of you to get to this place. Examples for me are: Work on health, take responsibility help with isolation, connect with other people/friends I also look at the good in our marriage, not the bad & I forget that the stbxw had something to do with it even though she doesn't admit it. Someone suggested what he did was to ask his friends; what was it that I didn't like or what did she do that hurt our marriage????? That puts you bad in reality & that both parties would need to do changes before you would get back with them. Maybe it would help you I don't know but I wanted to share. Thanks PWS, but she doesnt want me back... and i dont think i would want her back... its just the feelings that I have for her that I cant get past... some days I could care less others I feel such a loss for not haviung her in my life.. even knowing the pain she has caused me and all the crap she has put me thorugh.... thanks though for your reply.. I need to find me a friend that will help me get past this tough time... knowing she has a friend.. i might as well too... Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Thanks PWS, but she doesnt want me back... and i dont think i would want her back... its just the feelings that I have for her that I cant get past... some days I could care less others I feel such a loss for not haviung her in my life.. even knowing the pain she has caused me and all the crap she has put me thorugh.... thanks though for your reply.. I need to find me a friend that will help me get past this tough time... knowing she has a friend.. i might as well too... I understand what you are feeling, I still do that all the time. Somedays I wished she was a b**ch so I could be mad at her, but she isn't. Did you ever look to see if they offer those classes around your area? I know you said you live in a small town. I have met a lot of good people in my men's group at church, & also that DC class..... Find a hobby you like, join a group that you can meet new people. I wouldn't suggest you find a "friend" like she has, you don't want to add to your problems... Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 I have to be honest with all the folks who have followed my thread... There are days when i would consider Taking my wife back knowing that she has given herself to another man... then there are the days when if given the chance i would wring her neck with my bare hands... I have been going through this for over 2 months now and It sucks.. I have days where I feel so confident about myself and my future but there are the days that I feel a total loss of my family and it hurts... I feel for any man or woman who is put into this situation by their significant other..... Knowing how they feel hopeless one day and totaly in control the next...All the time thier S.O is having the time of their lives not giving a damn what or how their best friend or wife or husband feels... I have had a rough time today and wanted to vent.... I saw my stbxw yesterday......... She was all f-ing smiles and happy.. I wanted to put the smackdown on her but i didnt.... I am better than that whether she see's that or not.... but it crossed my mind.......... She has put me through so much pain and sleepless nights for her own selffishness.... I want only the worse for her... I want her to feel the pain and misery she has caused me....... You and me both skinman, I thought I could be strong and have the Wife over for some time to talk about a settlement agreement for an uncontested divorce. When she was there, I was just looking at her, thinking, why can't she just try to be with me again? It just caused me to have a complete relapse of feelings for her all over again. I realize now why she wants to be 'friends'. She wants me to sign away the debt half and half with her. She's basically using me to get what she wants, how low down is that? It wasn't bad enough that you just don't love me anymore and left me for a man that rejected you, but now you want to use me to get rid of your debts too? Sheesh! I feel your pain skinman. That's why I have to go NC with her until this is over, I can't do this crap anymore, friends one minute, sign the dotted line, then she'll disappear. I'm not dumb, although she'd like to think she can make me that way. Just really really sickening. This is the woman I trusted with everything, now she's almost my biggest enemy, how the hell does that happen? Hang in there man, 3 months for me now. Link to post Share on other sites
Searching49 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Skinman, I'm so sad for you. I can see myself falling into your recent post in another month or two. Like I said in my thread, I know my wife is going to physically get with the OM soon. I just don't know what kind of hole that will tear in me when it happens. It makes me so sad to see you post and catch but a glimpse of my future thoughts. As bad as they are now, knowing that a physical connection took place is going to make them so much darker. It's a very difficult and lonely place that only we have the power to take ourselves out of. I'm so thankful for the people in these posts and their kind words of encouragement. I won't be leaving these threads anytime soon. I hope sleep comes for both of us tonight easier than it did last night... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Skinman, I'm so sad for you. I can see myself falling into your recent post in another month or two. Like I said in my thread, I know my wife is going to physically get with the OM soon. I just don't know what kind of hole that will tear in me when it happens. It makes me so sad to see you post and catch but a glimpse of my future thoughts. As bad as they are now, knowing that a physical connection took place is going to make them so much darker. It's a very difficult and lonely place that only we have the power to take ourselves out of. I'm so thankful for the people in these posts and their kind words of encouragement. I won't be leaving these threads anytime soon. I hope sleep comes for both of us tonight easier than it did last night... Thanks Searching49, hang in there buddy... You will have days where you are top of the world... then there will be those that you feel like you are under the world.. it gets better friend I am doing so much better than when this all started... soon I hope to not care one way or the other what or who she does.... I know I am a good person and Its her loss..... not mine Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 .... I know I am a good person and Its her loss..... not mine That's what I keep telling myself too! It's their loss, we are still good people regardless! Thanks Skin! Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 Thanks Searching49, hang in there buddy... You will have days where you are top of the world... then there will be those that you feel like you are under the world.. it gets better friend I am doing so much better than when this all started... soon I hope to not care one way or the other what or who she does.... I know I am a good person and Its her loss..... not mine Good post, and it's true to boot. It's a rollercoaster. Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 All so true..it's definitely a roller coaster. Skin--have you started going out with friends? I am slowly creeping out (went to the Vikings game last night with a buddy) but it feels like I'm just barely opening the door to peak out. Going out by yourself now and knowing you are coming home to only you is a harsh reality in these early stages. I must have thought 5 or 6 times at the game that "it's just me now." Haven't cried in about week. Skin--you? Almost shed a tear today though at lunch. Song on the radio got me... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 Good post, and it's true to boot. It's a rollercoaster. Thanks TIIY... Today I woke up feeling great.. actually slept like crap but I woke feeling so at peace with myself.... I like this feeling and hopefully its here to stay for a while..... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 5, 2009 Author Share Posted January 5, 2009 All so true..it's definitely a roller coaster. Skin--have you started going out with friends? I am slowly creeping out (went to the Vikings game last night with a buddy) but it feels like I'm just barely opening the door to peak out. Going out by yourself now and knowing you are coming home to only you is a harsh reality in these early stages. I must have thought 5 or 6 times at the game that "it's just me now." Haven't cried in about week. Skin--you? Almost shed a tear today though at lunch. Song on the radio got me... Glad to hear it NFT, no its been a few days since my last cry... I have decided that " No man or woman is worth crying over and the ones that are, wont make you cry " Thats the way I am looking at it these days is she doesnt deserve to be even thought about... Everytime I catch myself thinking about her I tell myself that... " she isnt worth your thoughts or memories"... Try it NFT... hopefully soon you'll be on the right path friend... thanks for checking in with me.... Skin..... Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted January 5, 2009 Share Posted January 5, 2009 All so true..it's definitely a roller coaster. Skin--have you started going out with friends? I am slowly creeping out (went to the Vikings game last night with a buddy) but it feels like I'm just barely opening the door to peak out. To bad they didn't win!!! I grew up in Minn so I'm still a fan from the 70's.... Only thing I can say is; DIVORCE SUCKS!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
shazam Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I am slowly creeping out (went to the Vikings game last night with a buddy) small world, I was at that vikes game too! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 6, 2009 Author Share Posted January 6, 2009 Today was a great day... something I haven't had many of since this all started back in October... To be honest it was one of the most restless nights of sleeping I have had in a while but when I finally got out of bed @ 3:30 I felt fantastic... I felt a peace come over me that I haven't known in ages. I felt like the ole Skin that I was used to feeling like before the nightmare that I am in the middle of started.. I have been doing a lot of reading about forgiveness and letting go of resentment... not for the other person but for yourself.. The anger and bitterness will eat you up I see that almost everytime I have to deal with the stbxw.. She is filled with anger and hate towards me and so many others its hard to describe.... I have lived with this for almost 16 years seeing how the smallest thing can turn into a huge deal with her, things that have happened 15 years ago will be brought up and used like it was yesterday.... I dont want to live my life like that I dont want to hate my stbxw for what she has done to me and our family... I know in time I will be able to forgive her for what she has done I most likely will never tell her I have forgiven her but that doesnt have to happen.. as long as I believe in my heart that I have then I can let go.. I hope oneday to be able to look back and smile at some of the sutff we have experienced after 16 years together we have done a lot.. I would like to think the same of her... If it happens great if, not of well her loss... I went to church last week for the first time in almost 25 years... The topic was forgiveness.. how ironic is that ???. I dont know some of you will probably blast me for even talking about forgiving her.... But I know if the shoe was on the other foot I would want her to forgive me.... Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 No, couldn't possibly blast you for seeking that forgiveness. For her and yourself. It's the only way to avoid lifelong bitterness. They know not what they do.. I like this Buddha quote: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned." Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 I like this Buddha quote: "Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one getting burned." To be added with the old car tag that one could once see in the Deep South of the old Confederate Rebel solider with the long gray beard with a cane in one hand and the Confederate "Rebel" flag in the other and the quote 'FORGET HELL!" Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Today I woke up feeling great.. Didn't I tell you that? Afew bad days are always followed by afew good ones.. So, remember that when things go south again..Time is on your side and all this does take time. Don't put pressure on yourself that you HAVE to get over things quickly. She did her grieving a long time ago and that's why she is acting the way she is. She's not emotionally attached, and you still are. Hope the rest of this week goes well for you. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 6, 2009 Share Posted January 6, 2009 Didn't I tell you that? Afew bad days are always followed by afew good ones.. So, remember that when things go south again..Time is on your side and all this does take time. Don't put pressure on yourself that you HAVE to get over things quickly. She did her grieving a long time ago and that's why she is acting the way she is. She's not emotionally attached, and you still are. Hope the rest of this week goes well for you. This is human compassion! Feeling! Why Marines love and are so devout to Navy Corpsman! And will protect them with their lives! As they would ours! The "bond" between a Navy Corpsman and a Marine is like the bond between a mother and child. Your "mother" gaved you Life! I "saved" your life! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 Didn't I tell you that? Afew bad days are always followed by afew good ones.. So, remember that when things go south again..Time is on your side and all this does take time. Don't put pressure on yourself that you HAVE to get over things quickly. She did her grieving a long time ago and that's why she is acting the way she is. She's not emotionally attached, and you still are. Hope the rest of this week goes well for you. thanks WWIU... I saw her again tonight and I have to say it didn't bother me in the least. I pretty much ignored her and played with my dog and talked with my stepdaughter... She sat in her chair just watching me not saying anything... of well she did ask me in.. I was standing in the garage waiting for my daughter to get ssome pictutes for me.. amd she yelled out come in and say hi..... I thought to myself .. oh boy here we go.. but as soon as I got into the house all was cool...she didn't see a bit of emotion other than indifference.... felt great.... I looked at her again and thought... man what was i thinking... I guess when your in love with someone you tend to overlook a lot of things... boy did I ever... So NFT, mountains10 and searching49... I can honestly tell you fella's it does get easier... I would have never thought 2 weeks ago I could look at her and not feel a tear welling up.... This time when I looked at her a chuckle came to mind.... Damn.. feels good to be seeing the light !! Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 thanks WWIU... I saw her again tonight and I have to say it didn't bother me in the least. I pretty much ignored her and played with my dog and talked with my stepdaughter... She sat in her chair just watching me not saying anything... of well she did ask me in.. I was standing in the garage waiting for my daughter to get ssome pictutes for me.. amd she yelled out come in and say hi..... I thought to myself .. oh boy here we go.. but as soon as I got into the house all was cool...she didn't see a bit of emotion other than indifference.... felt great.... I looked at her again and thought... man what was i thinking... I guess when your in love with someone you tend to overlook a lot of things... boy did I ever... So NFT, mountains10 and searching49... I can honestly tell you fella's it does get easier... I would have never thought 2 weeks ago I could look at her and not feel a tear welling up.... This time when I looked at her a chuckle came to mind.... Damn.. feels good to be seeing the light !! That's awesome skinman. I don't think I'm quite there yet. Then again, I don't get complete separation even if I wanted it, but I'm trying. We'll see, hopefully I do get to that point. Glad it went well skinman! Good going. Mountains10 Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 That's awesome skinman. I don't think I'm quite there yet. Then again, I don't get complete separation even if I wanted it, but I'm trying. We'll see, hopefully I do get to that point. Glad it went well skinman! Good going. Mountains10 thanks Mountains10, its a start friend... it hasnt been easy to this point but 2 days in a row is good for me... keep it up buddy.. you will get there it takes time.. keep posting buddy I want to pm you when I can... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 7, 2009 Share Posted January 7, 2009 thanks Mountains10, its a start friend... it hasnt been easy to this point but 2 days in a row is good for me... keep it up buddy.. you will get there it takes time.. keep posting buddy I want to pm you when I can... You made me PROUD of you! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 You made me PROUD of you! Thanks Gunny... coming from you thats a great compliment friend.... You are the MAN !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 7, 2009 Author Share Posted January 7, 2009 You made me PROUD of you! Thanks Gunny... coming from you thats a great compliment friend... you are the MAN !! Like the ole AA saying "one day at a time" Link to post Share on other sites
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