Mountains10 Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Today has been a good day... in fact its been a good week with only one day that I felt less than normal with thoughts of the ex... hopefully this is a sign that I am getting through this nicely and finally seeing the ex for what she is... A friend of mine emailed me today and pretty much spelled out everything that she has done and said to me since this started... I have kept that email and will open it each time a thought or feeling of her enters my mind....I am looking onto buying her out of my House... Hopefully if things fall into place I will have it back by summer... It might be hard at first to live there but I have done so much to it in the time we lived there I wouldn't want someone else to have it.... Plus I will get the satisfaction of having her a$$ move out this time... I hope better things are ahead for me with the way I have been feeling.. I do find it still hard some days but they are getting fewer and farther between........ Glad to hear you're doing better skinman, your post definitely reflects your higher spirits! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 Glad to hear you're doing better skinman, your post definitely reflects your higher spirits! Thanks M10. today I cant say the same thing.. I have been trading texts back and forth with with Ex... I dont know my I put myself into the position of hurting msyelf over and over agian but I have done just that... I know I should have ignored them but they pissed me off and I had to respond... she knows just what to say and do to push my buttons... and yet again I allowed myself to let her get to me...... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Thanks M10. today I cant say the same thing.. I have been trading texts back and forth with with Ex... I dont know my I put myself into the position of hurting msyelf over and over agian but I have done just that... I know I should have ignored them but they pissed me off and I had to respond... she knows just what to say and do to push my buttons... and yet again I allowed myself to let her get to me...... Well Skin, It should begin to become obvious to you that your STBXW is more intellegent, dedicated, and persistant than you are. She baits you, and dumb as a carp you bite the worm and find yourself hooked deep. The good in all of this is that you are keeping her happy and entertained. I hope she appreciates your efforts to make her smile. Sadly she probably does not. Most likely she's just getting her jollies a few minutes at a time. You know better..... Or do you? Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Thanks M10. today I cant say the same thing.. I have been trading texts back and forth with with Ex... I dont know my I put myself into the position of hurting msyelf over and over agian but I have done just that... I know I should have ignored them but they pissed me off and I had to respond... she knows just what to say and do to push my buttons... and yet again I allowed myself to let her get to me...... NO you don't have to respond, that is your choice. Why are you letting her decide what you are doing????? If you feel "you need to respond" then write your response on paper, then throw it away. If you still feel you need to respond, write it down on paper again & throw it away........ We are all responsible for ourselves & whether we allow someone else to control our thoughts & actions... What are you doing today skin? Is it something "you" want to do or are you waiting around for her to do something so you can respond???? I know it is hard & I understand how you feel because I was there, I did the same thing but trust me when you start not letting her push your buttons things go a lot better for "you"!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 NO you don't have to respond, that is your choice. Why are you letting her decide what you are doing????? If you feel "you need to respond" then write your response on paper, then throw it away. If you still feel you need to respond, write it down on paper again & throw it away........ We are all responsible for ourselves & whether we allow someone else to control our thoughts & actions... What are you doing today skin? Is it something "you" want to do or are you waiting around for her to do something so you can respond???? I know it is hard & I understand how you feel because I was there, I did the same thing but trust me when you start not letting her push your buttons things go a lot better for "you"!!!!! Your right PWS. it was my choice to respond and I know now I shouldn't have.. it has messed me up... No I havent been waiting for her to respond.. Sitting here watching the football game... I have been good about staying away from her and not contacting her but I saw her this morning.... She looked good... I texted her afterwards and told her so.... Big mistake since then she has been texting me back and forth.... I havent answered her last couple.... but the damage is already done... Why cant i just get her out of my head and heart...I have tried to hate her for what she has done but I cant... I try and remember all the hurtfull things she has said but it only help for a while... Link to post Share on other sites
Gowithflow Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Your right PWS. it was my choice to respond and I know now I shouldn't have.. it has messed me up... No I havent been waiting for her to respond.. Sitting here watching the football game... I have been good about staying away from her and not contacting her but I saw her this morning.... She looked good... I texted her afterwards and told her so.... Big mistake since then she has been texting me back and forth.... I havent answered her last couple.... but the damage is already done... Why cant i just get her out of my head and heart...I have tried to hate her for what she has done but I cant... I try and remember all the hurtfull things she has said but it only help for a while... Wow. What is she texting you after that? Could be anything I suppose, but a bitch mode would make you feel like crap again eh? Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 Wow. What is she texting you after that? Could be anything I suppose, but a bitch mode would make you feel like crap again eh? Yes... the same ole stuff to move on and if I wasnt the way I was it wouldn't have to be this way... She was accusing me of dating I guess my daughter told her I have been spending a lot of tiem on the computer... Its just the fact that I was doing good until I texted her.... Damn me for doing that because now I am paying the price ... Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 O.K. you know now that you can not play that text game with her so use that as a learning listen & don't do it again. If you do it once it is a mistake and you learn, if you do it again then that is your fault, your choice. Are you still doing things for you? I feel you need to spend more time doing things for you and the kids. Are there any hobby's that you have wanted to do but never did because you didn't have time? Are there anything you wanted to do but never did such as take a dancing class, find other activities to fill your time & space in your head instead of letting the stbxw run around in there. I know it is hard, been there done the same thing but sooner or later you finally get tired of spending all that time on stinken thinken & you get mad & move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 O.K. you know now that you can not play that text game with her so use that as a learning listen & don't do it again. If you do it once it is a mistake and you learn, if you do it again then that is your fault, your choice Are you still doing things for you? I feel you need to spend more time doing things for you and the kids. Are there any hobby's that you have wanted to do but never did because you didn't have time? Are there anything you wanted to do but never did such as take a dancing class, find other activities to fill your time & space in your head instead of letting the stbxw run around in there. I know it is hard, been there done the same thing but sooner or later you finally get tired of spending all that time on stinken thinken & you get mad & move on. No I havent been doing as much for myself as I could be... I am going to take a Dance class at the end of this month... AS for hobbies I only have outdoor ones.. such as fishing and hunting... I guess I need to be more available for people to come into my life... this stinkin thinken is getting old as I know she has moved on but I am finding that hard to do.... I have always been a compassionate and caring person... i find it hard to just stop loving someone no matte what they have done ...... Link to post Share on other sites
confused71 Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Hold on in there mate.I am in the same boat as you so know how you feel.My STBXW sounds the same as yours.She tells me to leave her alone and dont contact her.Then keeps sending me texts saying 'come and get the rest of your stuff ,hope you are ok'.I ignore them for a while and then she asks why I dont respond. So when I DO respond I get all this hatefull rubbish about how useless I was and how she and her daughter are much happier without me. ( I know the daughter misses me because she calls me when her mum isnt around) The other day something just clicked in my head and I suddenly realised shes not worth it anymore.I have been feeling 100% better now.Just try your hardest to ignore her. Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 Hold on in there mate.I am in the same boat as you so know how you feel.My STBXW sounds the same as yours.She tells me to leave her alone and dont contact her.Then keeps sending me texts saying 'come and get the rest of your stuff ,hope you are ok'.I ignore them for a while and then she asks why I dont respond. So when I DO respond I get all this hatefull rubbish about how useless I was and how she and her daughter are much happier without me. ( I know the daughter misses me because she calls me when her mum isnt around) The other day something just clicked in my head and I suddenly realised shes not worth it anymore.I have been feeling 100% better now.Just try your hardest to ignore her. It's an odd game. Mine the same as well. She wants you to leave her alone and when you do, she starts bugging you. It's a constant tug of war. I know. I do the NC for a week, then I'm told I'm being 'cold and unfriendly'. Give me a break already. You're the one walking away from a marriage, and I'm being cold? You cheated on me, but I'm cold? It's just a game and you're going to have to take the high road and not play the game. They want all the attention they can get from us before we slam the door on them for good. As long as they email and text us, we can't be left alone. Just ignore it, it's hard to do skin, I told you, we're almost identical with our situations. If I try and ignore the emails, I get a text message telling me to read them. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 It's an odd game. Mine the same as well. She wants you to leave her alone and when you do, she starts bugging you. It's a constant tug of war. I know. I do the NC for a week, then I'm told I'm being 'cold and unfriendly'. Give me a break already. You're the one walking away from a marriage, and I'm being cold? You cheated on me, but I'm cold? It's just a game and you're going to have to take the high road and not play the game. They want all the attention they can get from us before we slam the door on them for good. As long as they email and text us, we can't be left alone. Just ignore it, it's hard to do skin, I told you, we're almost identical with our situations. If I try and ignore the emails, I get a text message telling me to read them. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Thanks Mountains10, I put myself into this situation and spilled my guts to her so she now knows that I havent really gotten over her yet... Its time to try and limit the contact to almost none... Last week was a good week for me unitl I saw her today.... The straw that broke the camels back... I hate to admit it she looked great.... I wish this crap was easier.... I wish I could be as cold and heartless as she has been but thats not me.... I have a heart... broken but I have one.. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted January 11, 2009 Share Posted January 11, 2009 I guess I can count myself lucky since my stbxw moved to a different town and she doesn't contact me at all unless she wants to complain because our son isn't seeing her as much as she wants. It is funny the more I talk to people the more I see most all woman are the same & most of all men are the same. It is those that really want to work on the relationship or the ones that own up to there part in the marriage & are welling to put the work in that are the exceptions. I've done the divorce care, & now Boundaries & all stories are the same, they just have a couple of different twists in them so people can say; yes by my story is different when they really aren't. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 11, 2009 Author Share Posted January 11, 2009 I guess I can count myself lucky since my stbxw moved to a different town and she doesn't contact me at all unless she wants to complain because our son isn't seeing her as much as she wants. It is funny the more I talk to people the more I see most all woman are the same & most of all men are the same. It is those that really want to work on the relationship or the ones that own up to there part in the marriage & are welling to put the work in that are the exceptions. I've done the divorce care, & now Boundaries & all stories are the same, they just have a couple of different twists in them so people can say; yes by my story is different when they really aren't. Yes PWS its sad... I have tried to get my ex to work on making our marriage work.. she has decided the grass is greener else where.. what can I do but let her go... that is what I am finding so hard to do even after all that I know she has done and said my heart wants to hold on.... even after all my friends and family have told me how she is no good for me I cant see it.... All I see is how lost and lonely I am without her..... Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Yes PWS its sad... I have tried to get my ex to work on making our marriage work.. she has decided the grass is greener else where.. what can I do but let her go... that is what I am finding so hard to do even after all that I know she has done and said my heart wants to hold on.... even after all my friends and family have told me how she is no good for me I cant see it.... All I see is how lost and lonely I am without her..... That is exactly why you need to work on you. We should never have to rely on someone else to make us happy. (thanks Gunny & Ilmw) It has taken me a long time to realize that as well, funny how we won't trust those that have been there, done that because we feel our situation is different, I'll be able to make this work & it just doesn't happen. I think once you realize you can't make someone love you it becomes a lot easier. Go ask someone to run your foot over, then ask them to do it again and again. That is exactly what your stbxw is doing, just keeps running you over & over, you just don't get the physical pain with it and without the physical pain it is hard to understand. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 That is exactly why you need to work on you. We should never have to rely on someone else to make us happy. (thanks Gunny & Ilmw) It has taken me a long time to realize that as well, funny how we won't trust those that have been there, done that because we feel our situation is different, I'll be able to make this work & it just doesn't happen. I think once you realize you can't make someone love you it becomes a lot easier. Go ask someone to run your foot over, then ask them to do it again and again. That is exactly what your stbxw is doing, just keeps running you over & over, you just don't get the physical pain with it and without the physical pain it is hard to understand. i know your right... but why is it so hard to see and understand what i need to do..I know that I am only putting myself in this situation and i do it over and over...I have worked on me.. I have read more self help books in the past 2 months than I have since i got out of school...I know I cant make my wofe love me like she used to... that i understand... but how do i let go.... ?? there are days when i dont think of her at all.. then some when i cant stop thinking of her... no matter how hard i try and think of something else... she will always find a way back in Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 i know your right... but why is it so hard to see and understand what i need to do..I know that I am only putting myself in this situation and i do it over and over...I have worked on me.. I have read more self help books in the past 2 months than I have since i got out of school...I know I cant make my wofe love me like she used to... that i understand... but how do i let go.... ?? there are days when i dont think of her at all.. then some when i cant stop thinking of her... no matter how hard i try and think of something else... she will always find a way back in Skin--hang in there brother. I have found that the more NC I go the better it is. DO NOT TEXT HER, EMAIL HER, CALL HER...unless it absolutely necessary for your child. Put on some metaphorical Chainmail and do not take it off. No matter how much your mind tells you to contact her, do not do it. Beat the demon on your shoulder. It's like hitting your thumb with the hammer...again, and again, and again. The more time you spend with yourself (i.e. work on yourself) the quicker you are going to heal. Gunny and Lakeside tell it like it is but it's true. Stand up, take charge of you. You are the man and you have a lot to offer--don't forget that! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 12, 2009 Author Share Posted January 12, 2009 Skin--hang in there brother. I have found that the more NC I go the better it is. DO NOT TEXT HER, EMAIL HER, CALL HER...unless it absolutely necessary for your child. Put on some metaphorical Chainmail and do not take it off. No matter how much your mind tells you to contact her, do not do it. Beat the demon on your shoulder. It's like hitting your thumb with the hammer...again, and again, and again. The more time you spend with yourself (i.e. work on yourself) the quicker you are going to heal. Gunny and Lakeside tell it like it is but it's true. Stand up, take charge of you. You are the man and you have a lot to offer--don't forget that! thanks for the encouragement NFT... and you are right Gunny and Lakeside are the men.. they have been there and no what they are talking about.. as for having a lot to offer i dont know about that... yes eventually some woman may find me desirebale in the future but right now thats not an issue....I only have room in my heart for one... until i get her out theres no use in trying.... but thank you friend... for helping me see that there is light at the end of the tunnel... Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 I know I cant make my wofe love me like she used to... that i understand... but how do i let go.... ?? By Jingo, I do believe we gotten to the bottom of all your troubles? Wolfs as a general rule don't make very go spouses~ :lmao: Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 The truth of the matter is? You'll never forget a "trainwreck" like the one you find yourself crawling out from under. Years and years from now, you'll be skipping down the sidewalk, the sun shinning in your face, all is right with the world, and all of a sudden you'll find yourself thinking about her, and all of a sudden you'll find yourself in the local liqour store telling the clerk, "Hell just give me two fifths of anything you got, I don't give a damn!" Pain is good! It teaches our happy azz's not to repeat the same mistakes again. I can promise you that to this very freaking day that I've yet to touch a neon sign with my bare finger when I was seven years old! Yes Sir! Got a real good pretty picture in my head to this very day! You've got "one-ittis" and literally cannot see the forrest for the trees. You're so focused on the one that got away, that you cannot see that the forrest is covered up with all the others. What one would abuse? Another can certainly use. Let me ask you? Where in Sam Hill did you get it into your deluxe brain housing group that this little gal was the best that you could do? Where and how did you get it into your head that this lying, manipulating, insecure, cheating woman was the best that you deserve? News flash for you there Slick! There's no shortage of women! There is a shortage of "good" men! The planet is covered up with about 3.5 BILLION women just dying and looking for one single good man! Hell? I know locally a lot of women who would settle if he just had a job and a car? The cure for "one-ittis" is go out and sleep with about 15 or 20 different women. Trouble is? Most men don't know how to go about doing so with just one woman. You need to re-define yourself, acquire a new set of skills, learn what women are attracted to, (you'd be suprised) and what works and doesn't work? You need to re-invent yourself. You need to create a new YOU! I can lead you to water, but I can't make you drink. The choice is yours and yours alone. You can stick with pre-conceived societial and cultural notions that we've all been programed with" OR we can utilize what works. The choice is yours ~ you can take the "red pill" or the "blue pill" (Ref: "THE MATRIX) Your "reality" is your choice! Guns Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 The truth of the matter is? You'll never forget a "trainwreck" like the one you find yourself crawling out from under. Years and years from now, you'll be skipping down the sidewalk, the sun shinning in your face, all is right with the world, and all of a sudden you'll find yourself thinking about her, and all of a sudden you'll find yourself in the local liqour store telling the clerk, "Hell just give me two fifths of anything you got, I don't give a damn!" Pain is good! It teaches our happy azz's not to repeat the same mistakes again. I can promise you that to this very freaking day that I've yet to touch a neon sign with my bare finger when I was seven years old! Yes Sir! Got a real good pretty picture in my head to this very day! You've got "one-ittis" and literally cannot see the forrest for the trees. You're so focused on the one that got away, that you cannot see that the forrest is covered up with all the others. What one would abuse? Another can certainly use. Let me ask you? Where in Sam Hill did you get it into your deluxe brain housing group that this little gal was the best that you could do? Where and how did you get it into your head that this lying, manipulating, insecure, cheating woman was the best that you deserve? News flash for you there Slick! There's no shortage of women! There is a shortage of "good" men! The planet is covered up with about 3.5 BILLION women just dying and looking for one single good man! Hell? I know locally a lot of women who would settle if he just had a job and a car? The cure for "one-ittis" is go out and sleep with about 15 or 20 different women. Trouble is? Most men don't know how to go about doing so with just one woman. You need to re-define yourself, acquire a new set of skills, learn what women are attracted to, (you'd be suprised) and what works and doesn't work? You need to re-invent yourself. You need to create a new YOU! I can lead you to water, but I can't make you drink. The choice is yours and yours alone. You can stick with pre-conceived societial and cultural notions that we've all been programed with" OR we can utilize what works. The choice is yours ~ you can take the "red pill" or the "blue pill" (Ref: "THE MATRIX) Your "reality" is your choice! Guns Gunny, an age old term whose origin escapes me for the moment seems to apply... " Non Hackers " There are those who don't make the grade. Those who try and fail to graduate. When you repeat the same malfunction over and over you do it because you enjoy what the behavior brings you. Like me... I keep buyin those cartons of cigarettes. I know it's bad, but they feel sooooo good. Link to post Share on other sites
Gunny376 Posted January 12, 2009 Share Posted January 12, 2009 Gunny, an age old term whose origin escapes me for the moment seems to apply... " Non Hackers " There are those who don't make the grade. Those who try and fail to graduate. When you repeat the same malfunction over and over you do it because you enjoy what the behavior brings you Like me... I keep buyin those cartons of cigarettes. I know it's bad, but they feel sooooo good. You're talking outside your group! There's only a select few who can relate! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted January 13, 2009 Author Share Posted January 13, 2009 Well Today I think I have found closure and will be able to move on with my life knowing that the stbxw will be a small part of it... We had a nice long talk today and we discussed the problems that we had and where we both went wrong... Today she finally apologized for what she has done.. She said she was truly sorry for hurting me the way she has... I accepted her apology knowing that forgiveness in the end will benefit me more than holding onto the bitterness that I have felt.. We talked about the issues that I have and will need to work on if I am to find happiness again with another woman... To be honest she was dead on with some of her comments.. It took this talk for me to see see where I went wrong and pushed her away... It doesn't excuse her for seeking out another man but I did tell her I understood why she did it... I can see now where I need work, she always brought the issues up but I never acted on them.. I hope one day we will be able to be friends... We are trying to do the divorce ourselves so hopefully we will be able to do that without to much animosity or bitterness... It will be so much easier for the girls if we can.. I do hurt for the loss of my family and marriage but I know in the end this is the best way to go... I can admit that I wasn't happy... I was content as was she... we had been going along with the flow for so long as we each drifted apart...I am sure I will have days that I am sad for the loss because I do feel I love my wife very much but now I have the chance to find someone who will love me that much more... I dont know.. Its kind of exciting to think now I can do whatever I want... I know I will always have a special place in my heart for my wife.. We have shared so many good times that I wont let the bitterness that she feels toward me spoil our special memories....I have learned a lot from my stbxw and she has shown me many things that i never would have seen without her.. She opened my eyes up to our wonderfull country and for that I will thank her... I am sure N9 will come on and talk all about revisionist history but in this situation thats not the case... I know I failed my wife and family I can see clearly where I went wrong... I am man enough to admit that.. I must now learn from my mistakes so in the future they will not be repeated... thank you all foe your advice and help with regards to my situation... PWS you have been here from the begining.. as with TIIY and Gunny, Confused9 you have helped me so much more than you realized...and to everyone else I thank you.... Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Well Today I think I have found closure and will be able to move on with my life knowing that the stbxw will be a small part of it... We had a nice long talk today and we discussed the problems that we had and where we both went wrong... And let me guess, she pointed out that you had more problems then she did correct? Been there went thru that!!!! You might feel you have closure but it is to soon, things will still come up but keep working on them, do the grieving for each one. You might start to handle them better but they are still there. It doesn't excuse her for seeking out another man but I did tell her I understood why she did it... I can see now where I need work, she always brought the issues up but I never acted on them.. She was just as much at fault as you were, it takes two!!! All marriages take work & she just took the easy way out, just like my stbxw. I am sure N9 will come on and talk all about revisionist history but in this situation thats not the case... I know I failed my wife and family I can see clearly where I went wrong... I am man enough to admit that.. I must now learn from my mistakes so in the future they will not be repeated... If everyone could look into the future by learning from the past things would be perfect. Your thoughts will wonder all over the place, why I did this, what if I would have done that, etc. etc. Been there done that. I do find it interesting how much everyone goes threw the same levels, the anger, the oh I should have done this or that, the guilt, etc. When it all comes down to it like Gunny says; we were never taught any of this in school, if we would take 4 years of marriage 101-104 we would at least have a chance. How are parents grew up are a lot different then what we have now & how did we learn marriage? From our parents. thank you all foe your advice and help with regards to my situation... PWS you have been here from the begining.. as with TIIY and Gunny, Confused9 you have helped me so much more than you realized...and to everyone else I thank you.... Oh if this doesn't make since that is because I'm SICK!!!! I guess I have to recover from this one on my own....LOL Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted January 13, 2009 Share Posted January 13, 2009 Skin, I'm happy for you. You got one of the things you wanted a "warm and fuzzy" conversation where you heard that you were not completely at fault. In the parlance of the betrayed... she threw you a bone. Take it home, chew it, heck, make soup out of it. At this point I'm all for anything that moves you farther from the "Land of a Thousand Wuzzies". If you pass Neverland on the way back to the real world give my regards to Peter, and don't forget to check out Tink, she's a dish. Use it as a stepping stone Skin. Make it the first place you put your foot on your way to freedom and happiness. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts