She asked for space and I gave it to her

[skinman]

She'll come to you if she needs you. She may be talking it out with friends. As for your wife, she may be in denial or perhaps they girls are telling her they are fine. Who knows? All you can do is be a postive light to them and never talk bad about your wife to them...they don't need to be involved. They should pick sides even if one of you are inthe wrong...they can figure that out on their own...they will resent you if you push it on them. Trust me...my parent's did that to me. My dad cheated and had a new gf I didn't need my mom to tell me he was in teh wrong....

 

Thanks.. i have tried to contain my words around her but i slpped on saturday... said something out loud and she heard it.. went straight to the wife and told her.. needless to say got the call shewing me out.. she even told me my daughter has told her everything that goes on at my house or when she is with me........ time to be real careful !!

[n9688m]

Your marriage is just one facet of your total being...one small facet.

 

Let's not trivialize this.

 

Marriage is an immense part of one's being and loss of a marriage or death of a spouse are the two highest stressors one can possibly experience - only death of a child or extreme illness compares.

 

That's not to say this isn't recoverable - and indeed he deserves empathy in that regard. But not false empathy. And when there are kids involved - the impact on kids is profound and long-lived. Read the Wallerstein book if you doubt that. A "sudden separation" (as I have experienced myself too) represents nothing but selfishness on the part of the walkaway spouse.

[TrustInYourself]

Let's not trivialize this.

 

Marriage is an immense part of one's being and loss of a marriage or death of a spouse are the two highest stressors one can possibly experience - only death of a child or extreme illness compares.

 

That's not to say this isn't recoverable - and indeed he deserves empathy in that regard. But not false empathy. And when there are kids involved - the impact on kids is profound and long-lived. Read the Wallerstein book if you doubt that.

 

I don't buy into that woe is me bs.

 

I don't know you n9, but I read your posts and I see deep into your soul.

 

The kids suffer, perhaps, but only if the parents suffer. Parents that thrive separately, have children that strive separately. I do not need some Wallerstein guy to tell me differently. I lived it.

 

As far as empathy, I don't show pity to people. What for? A spouse leaves you, so what. It's party time in my opinion. Thank you very much for giving me a chance to reflect on our relationship outside the relationship.

 

If you can't look past your marriage and see your own identity separately, that smacks of serious codependence if you ask me.

 

The illusion of control only brings lost expectations and anger and remorse over the past and future. Live in the moment.

[n9688m]

The kids suffer, perhaps, but only if the parents suffer.

 

Tell that to the parent of a child who is getting counseling for major depression related to separation - way too early for the parents to "thrive" because they aren't even yet divorced.

 

Tell that too to parents I have read about whose kids overdose or get into legal issues or all sorts of other issues related to divorce-associated coping issues.

 

Read the Wallerstein book and then get back to me. You may have a happy n=1; that's not the norm.

 

 

As far as empathy, I don't show pity to people. What for? A spouse leaves you, so what. It's party time in my opinion.

 

That shows a pretty minimal view of the value of a nuclear family. If those are your personal values, c'iest la vie. But if you got married specifically because you believed in the importance of a nuclear family for your kids, that's another story.

 

As I have said before, yes, I can "party" and relive life with 20-somethings. Yes, that part can be great fun. It doesn't ease my sorrow though over what my kids are going through - lord knows how my STBXW deals with it since it is of her doing.

 

If you can't look past your marriage and see your own identity separately, that smacks of serious codependence if you ask me.

 

I am talking about kids and nuclear families - not my having fun as a swinging bachelor.

[TrustInYourself]

If you got married to have a nuclear family, there's your reason for a divorce right there.

[n9688m]

If you got married to have a nuclear family, there's your reason for a divorce right there.

 

Huh? Are you being serious or flippant?

 

Of course one marries for love. Part of that includes marrying someone who shares the same values. There is nothing wrong with marrying someone whom I love in part because she believes in a nuclear family for children as a core value.

[skinman]

Well i would like to thank everyone for the insights into my post. As of last night i spoke again with my wife and was told repeatedly how much she hates me and has hated me for some time. She blames me for all the problems within our marriage and how her life has turned out. I have been having trouble letting go and moving on always keeping that glimmer of hope that somehow through all of this our marriage might survive. Well you can only hear so many times how much you are hated before it starts to sink In... I have no other choice but to let my wife go and find whatever it is she needs to find to be happy. I know the problems weren't all my fault and I have forgiven myself for not always knowing what to do in certain situations. It does hurt to think that after spending so much time with someone they may never be able to look back and share a happy memory or smile when a thought crosses their mind. I hope oneday my wife will be able to truly forgive in her mind and realize that everything wasnt my fault.. If not oh well not much i can do about that..

 

so thanks again everyone.... The long road to my new future has begun.

[n9688m]

As of last night i spoke again with my wife and was told repeatedly how much she hates me and has hated me for some time.

 

Nonsense - then why did she stay with you for all this time without tellling you her concerns or asking for marriage counseling?

 

This is called revisionist history or affair fog. It sounds as if she has you believing the story - don't buy into it.

[Confused9]

Richard, I am no therapist and certainly no expert on why others act or say the things they say, but I think a lot of the anger that your wife is portraying is guilt and a way of her trying to feel better about leaving. I think a lot of people use the term 'rewrite history' so the leaver doesn't feel so bad about making the decision they made.

 

I know for me, when my X acted that way I turned it in to...this must be so hard for him that he can't bare to speak to me and he's angry becasue this isn't what he wants. I am not saying that is true (and don't really want to be corrected:confused:) but that is what I thought. Whether or not that was true it still didn't end well for us and we aren't together but I tried not to take anything he said seriously. There were glimpses of niceness and moments where he would say things about my character or nice moments in our lives so I know he didn't/couldn't block all those parts out.

 

You know your relationship wasn't perfect but you also know that there were lovely moments that each of you will cherish for the rest of your lives. Does that mean that you will get back together or end up friends, no? But, I don't believe that she feels everything was awful all the time. This is just her coping mechanism. When she is alone with her thoughts I doubt she says the same things or feels the same way.

 

I don't get the anger thing I really don't but I guess we are so stunned by them leaving that we don't act any other way than confused, sad, shocked, etc and they are acting their way due to what they are feeling.

 

Just take a deep breath, you know waht your relationship was like, you know you didn't cause all of this...you are just her scape goat. I am so sorry you have to go through this. It breaks my heart all over again...

 

Chin up my friend!

[SRV]

If I were Skinman, I would keep the communication with her STRICTLY about the kids, any other emotion that she has she can keep to herself.

[skinman]

Nonsense - then why did she stay with you for all this time without tellling you her concerns or asking for marriage counseling?

 

This is called revisionist history or affair fog. It sounds as if she has you believing the story - don't buy into it.

 

I dont buy her story... we were having the best sex in years up until a few months before this all happened.. she then tried to tell me she was only doing it because she didnt want to argue... She was even waiting when i got home one day........I never expecting it and she can say that she only did it to keep from fighting... bunch on bologna if you ask me...

[n9688m]

I dont buy her story... we were having the best sex in years up until a few months before this all happened.. she then tried to tell me she was only doing it because she didnt want to argue... She was even waiting when i got home one day........I never expecting it and she can say that she only did it to keep from fighting... bunch on bologna if you ask me...

 

Same here.... I even have emails from my STBXW very shortly before our separation - "I got home early - I'm naked - can you sneak home?"

[skinman]

Richard, I am no therapist and certainly no expert on why others act or say the things they say, but I think a lot of the anger that your wife is portraying is guilt and a way of her trying to feel better about leaving. I think a lot of people use the term 'rewrite history' so the leaver doesn't feel so bad about making the decision they made.

 

 

Chin up my friend!

 

thank you Confused9,

I was hoping you would read this again and offer some insight into what she may be feeling. It has hurt me so bad the things that she said last night threatening to take my girls and move out of state.. how much she has hated me and didnt love for a while towards the end... that i dont belive just a few months prior we droved 7800 miles cross country and had the time of our lives... i would like to think that she was just saying this out of anger but then again I wonder... I know it is for the best to move forward.. she even said to me that I couldnt move forward and i told her I was... but that wasnt going to take away the love I still feel for her.

all the progress I have made is now gone and I am back to the breakup..

[skinman]

If I were Skinman, I would keep the communication with her STRICTLY about the kids, any other emotion that she has she can keep to herself.

 

Thanks SRV, thats my mission from here on out.. you can only take so much abuse before it starts to effect you....... I think I have taken my fair share already

[Confused9]

The progress you made is not gone...you should actually feel better about moving on. I mean, listen to what she is saying to you...you don't want to be with someoen like that. Regardless of the reasoning...she is hurting you on purpose...

 

Take this for what it is and use it to move on.

 

Just days before my x told me he wanted to leave he sent me a video professing his love (he was out of state for work) then BAM...it's over. Some people on here say it was premeditated - he was thinking of leaving for a while...I think it was just a mistake he couldn't live with. One of us is wrong...it makes it easier for me to sleep at night thinking it is other people. I think he got caught up in his affair and coulnd't look back due to the fact she was pregnant. I don't care if I am right or wrong...it helps me move on 'thinking' it wasn't so easy for him to walk away...if I think it really was as easy as he made it seem with all his mean anger, etc. I really think it would kill me. Heal as you see fit...I guess all that matters is that you heal.

 

I really am so sorry. This all brings back so much and it hurts like h*ll to hear your pain!

[skinman]

confused9 thank you so very much

 

you have been a bright spot in all of this i appreciate all your kind words of encouragement and to be honest after I spoke with her last night I even said to myself ... "this is going to get much easier to let her go now"

its all the other things that i am having a difficult time with. knowing how spitefull she can be with her threats of moving across country if I make her sell the house in a year and the guilt of dropping her from my insurance plan.. thank you for your compassion I know there will be rough spots ahead but your right.. as much as i do still care for het how could i ever forget the thing she has said..... I have forgiven her... but could never forget.

[SRV]

Skinman, I have been following your story. I have to commend you for handling it the best way you know how. You however must be able to show her your indifference. In life, the highest risks that people take have the highest rewards. You must show her that whatever threats that she has of moving the kids do not phase you. There must be a complete and total indifference. You have to learn to separate the emotional and rational thoughts.

 

She knows exactly what buttons to push, what words to use to get you riled up. That is why I suggested that you STRICTLY confine all communication with her to the KIDS. Also have a plan, if she calls the bluff of moving the kids out of state, make sure you have already talked to attorney and have your bases covered. But play this card close to your chest.

 

LC as much as possible for the sake of the kids. If she is being this mean to you, you need to totally ignore her. Let her guess what you thinking. You have to be mentally strong, I know it is hard, but do not let her have the enormous power over you that she dictates your emotional and rational well being. You have control over that, you need to see that.

[skinman]

Thanks SRV,

 

she knows exactly what to say that will get me fired up or hurt my feelings. She knew that the threat of taking my girls away would break my heart and make me cave.. I give it to her she is a smart woman.. I have seen her in action against her first husband and the hatred and animosity she held towards him.......

 

Thanks SRV for the sound advice.. I appreciate you following my situation it has been tough... the hardest thing i have ever gone through but now I have some power back...... canceling the direct deposit showed her i mean business... When she said it was going to get ugly I said so be it lets roll........

 

thanks again.........

Skin

[SRV]

Skinman, it will get better, but with time. Also hope for the best whilst expecting the worst so that when it happens, the landing is not so traumatic. The way you handled the closing of the account was good, if she says anything in future in regards to an action that you might have taken, totally IGNORE it.

 

Just as a side note, when you are ready to move on and you meet someone else, always see the red flags. Like you just mentioned, she treated her first husband with disdain at the end, did you ever think that would be you? Watch and learn people, certain behaviors at the beginning especially when people meet are overlooked because we are still "blinded" by our attraction to that person. Become wiser during this period in your life. It is happening for a reason, you also must be introspective and look where you could have done better so not to repeat the same mistakes in future.

 

Its going to be a bumpy road ahead, but as long as you are mentally/rationally willing to accept and handle it the best way, you will look back and say you did the best you could.

 

Good luck, we are pulling for you!

[skinman]

Thanks SRV,

I appreciate all your advice my friend... I do know that its going to get tougher before its gets easier.... thanks again !

 

Skin

[Confused9]

confused9 thank you so very much

 

you have been a bright spot in all of this i appreciate all your kind words of encouragement and to be honest after I spoke with her last night I even said to myself ... "this is going to get much easier to let her go now"

its all the other things that i am having a difficult time with. knowing how spitefull she can be with her threats of moving across country if I make her sell the house in a year and the guilt of dropping her from my insurance plan.. thank you for your compassion I know there will be rough spots ahead but your right.. as much as i do still care for het how could i ever forget the thing she has said..... I have forgiven her... but could never forget.

 

Someday it really won't matter what she said or what she did. I havent' goten there 100% yet, but I know I will. Once it does...we'll be golden. I can't help thinking that after I come out of this completely I will be the 'winner' I just don't know if I could live with myself causing all the hurt he had done to me and I am sort of glad I was on the other end of it. I can't imagine being a cheating, lying, jerkoff. Now, I am not saying I am perfect or that I didn't do anything wrong while we were breaking up but the amount of hatred that man spewed at me, the things he belittled, trivialized, the stories he told, the lies, the rude rude comments - I don't know if I could look back on that and be okay with myself for doing that. Especially since he left me with a ton of debt, married someone he had only known for 9 months 9 months later than having a baby with her to boot. Alienating all his friends, and treating the person who promised to be his wife like the dirt on his shoe...I feel like I would much rather be the one who was blind sided and had my heart broken than be the one that has to live with doing what he did. But, that's just me.

 

See, it's been over a year and I still revisit these thoughts, I still feel hurt, but it's different. Like I said before, same chair but a completely different seat.

 

Just work to get through this...however you see fit. It will all come together as long as you stay true to who you are, never stoop to her level, and do something every day to smile, AND move forward.

[skinman]

the amount of hatred that man spewed at me, the things he belittled, trivialized, the stories he told, the lies, the rude rude comments - I don't know if I could look back on that and be okay with myself for doing that.

 

I totaly agree with you confused9,

I could never imagine saying the things to my wife that she has said to me. The things that she knew would hurt me ths most.. Why just to see me in pain and knowing that I was hurting for her ego and to feel better about all of this. Even now after having my heart ripped out and stomped I still could not stoop to the level that she has. I have always prided myself on having a heart and compassion for most people and to see somone whom I have loved more than life itself try and tear me down for the sake of her justifying her actions. I can still find it in my heart to forgive..... Forgive yes FORGET NO !!!!!

 

In my fantasy land I hope one day that she will look back and see all the unecessary pain she caused me for the sake of her feeling better and feel bad or feel something... I know my wife once had a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone.... I guess life changes people and makes them bitter...... I have forgiven myself and her for my own peace of mind...

 

Tonight is tough... may tomorrow be better...

[skinman]

Well I seem to be drawn back here again tonight for some reason you all have become a safety net for me when my thoughts cant be controlled. It has been a trying day after last nights epsiode. If god is willing i am looking forward to a good nights sleep. That has been tough to come by these days that seems to be mostly when the Demons come. Thoughts and dreams fill my waking hours and even my sleeping hours. Confused9 you have been the light at the end of my tunnel.. I am so thankful that you stumbled upon my thread with all your insights and common wisdom. I dont know how I will ever be able to thank you. And then there are the guys that have offered advice SRV,Whichwayisup,N9 And Trustinyourself. to name a few.. I appreciate all that you have said. Here a total stranger that you all have offered advice and help. Someone whom most likely you all will never talk with in person yet you have taken time out of your life to offer advice best wishes and encouragement to me while in need.. You are all very special people and for that I thank you.

 

I hope oneday to be able to come back on here and offer the same type of advice and encouragement that you are offering to me.

 

God bless you all for what you have done for me and others like me.....

[Confused9]

Richard, I am glad that I am able to help you, I was there...this time last year. Lost. Hurt. Dead. Look at me though, it got better. One day it just clicked.

 

I went back to my first thread I wrote last December and read it. A lot of ppl told me everything I was saying to you...but I didn't listen...it was too hard to hear them becasue I wanted so bad for them to be wrong...and for him to want to be with me. But, one day, it clicked and I got it. You have a long road ahead of you but you will make it.

 

No matter where this road takes you it's up to you to make the most of the situation...you can do anything now. Nothing to stop you.

 

I wish you a much speedier recovery than me. May you find peace tomorrow!!!

 

I know that this experience will help me in the future and I hope that I get to fall in love again. I am only 27...so I really really hope I still get that chance to fall in love and get married and maybe have kids...I can't let what he did ruin my chances...but I am the only one who can stop that.

 

Vent all you want...that's what we are here for

[Confused9]

 

In my fantasy land I hope one day that she will look back and see all the unecessary pain she caused me for the sake of her feeling better and feel bad or feel something... I know my wife once had a heart of gold and would do anything for anyone.... I guess life changes people and makes them bitter...... I have forgiven myself and her for my own peace of mind...

 

Tonight is tough... may tomorrow be better...

 

 

I have to admit...I wish for this too:o