n9688m Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 If the risk gets too large later on (unforseen financial loss in your life, maybe) then you can always drop her from your insurance. No one said he has to drop her from the insurance. But he surely could and should get something from his ex in return for keeping her on his insurance. He ought to be as nice as possible to his kids. But based upon his ex's actions so far, he ought not to give her the time of day without getting something in return. Indeed - if his ex pays Skinman some monetary sum in return for Skinman keeping the girl on his insurance, how dose that harm the girl in any way? There is in fact no reason for the girl to even know how her insurance is paid for. But for Skinman to basically discard this key financial bargaining point is economic suicide in my view. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 thanks guys... found out through a friend that the POS had someone over late last night while the girls were home... I want so bad to go off on her and let her know but I will sontinue to gather evidence to confront her Sorry Ass later...I appreciate everything... it doesnt cost me any more to have her on there my college aged daughter is one there to so its not a bigge... But I would hate for something to happen and there be no insurance.... Even if the POS left me I still wouldn't want that on her..... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 I want so bad to go off on her and let her know but I will sontinue to gather evidence to confront her That is irrelevant unless you have evidence of abuse - use your energy elsewhere. it doesnt cost me any more to have her on there .. It costs you nothing but it would cost your ex a ton if she had to buy a policy. That's leverage for you. Use every tool you have. What it costs you is irrelevant; it is still of immense value to your ex. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 3, 2009 Author Share Posted February 3, 2009 What it costs you is irrelevant; it is still of immense value to your ex. You are so right N9... I will use this when the time comes to bargain the settlement.. I wont play my cards yet but I will keep in under wraps.... After finding out about her Friend visiting while the girls were there last night I am PISSED........ no more mr. Nice Guy for me........ Thanks N9.... took enough of your beating it into my head before I saw the light....... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 I will use this when the time comes to bargain the settlement.. I wont play my cards yet but I will keep in under wraps. That may well be a good strategy - I agree there. You will want something from her someday - and this may be your ace in the hole at that time. After finding out about her Friend visiting while the girls were there last night I am PISSED I understand the emotions well - but I don't think it will mean much in court. Except.... in your home state, is alimony affected by marital misconduct? If so it would be very helpful for you to know if this "friendship" began before or after your separation. In my case, my ability to prove my STBXW's affair will likely save me alimony to the tune of the mid 6 digits over time. Hence her extreme anger toward me once I exposed her affair. Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 That may well be a good strategy - I agree there. You will want something from her someday - and this may be your ace in the hole at that time. I understand the emotions well - but I don't think it will mean much in court. Except.... in your home state, is alimony affected by marital misconduct? If so it would be very helpful for you to know if this "friendship" began before or after your separation. In my case, my ability to prove my STBXW's affair will likely save me alimony to the tune of the mid 6 digits over time. Hence her extreme anger toward me once I exposed her affair. LOL, I had to laugh at that last part. Way to stick it to her. How are things, N9? Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted February 3, 2009 Share Posted February 3, 2009 LOL, I had to laugh at that last part. Way to stick it to her. How are things, N9? Deep in custody litigation--- she asked for 6 days per week, I asked for half, the court gave me 5 as an interim step (who says dads can't win). I offered to settle out of court for equal custody -she's still after 6 days per week. Seems irrational to me, not to mention not in the children's best interest. On the other days of the week.. 20-something women are a nice consolation prize. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 That may well be a good strategy - I agree there. You will want something from her someday - and this may be your ace in the hole at that time. Well I know at this time she cant afford the insurance and once I drop her at the end of this year she will be in for a rude awakening as to how much it costs for a policy... She didnt realize how good she had it......... To bad.. its not my problem anymore.. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 Well started my ballroom dance class last night.... I must say it was pretty awkward standing alone with all the couples.... Made me miss what I have lost even more.... There have been some good days for me lately but something always comes up and a thought of the ex will enter my mind... She told me on Sunday how much better her life is now that I am not in it.... It hurt to hear that...... .... but somehow I believe that was her intention to hurt me....... Things for the most part are going about the same... good days mixed with bad ones but the good one's are starting to outnumber the bad.... The party is this weekend I have decided for my stepdaughters sake to go and enjoy myself despite the POS being there... Hopefully she will ignore like last time we were together... Hopefully things will go smoothly.... Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Well started my ballroom dance class last night.... I must say it was pretty awkward standing alone with all the couples.... Made me miss what I have lost even more.... There have been some good days for me lately but something always comes up and a thought of the ex will enter my mind... She told me on Sunday how much better her life is now that I am not in it.... It hurt to hear that...... .... but somehow I believe that was her intention to hurt me....... Things for the most part are going about the same... good days mixed with bad ones but the good one's are starting to outnumber the bad.... The party is this weekend I have decided for my stepdaughters sake to go and enjoy myself despite the POS being there... Hopefully she will ignore like last time we were together... Hopefully things will go smoothly.... Skin, Just out of curiousity, how come you don't distance yourself from her for at least a month or two completely? I know you have kids together, but why not pick up your kids from a 3rd party? You know, have her drop them off with a family friend or relative, then you pick up your child from that friend or relative? I don't think you can heal because you keep running into her every other week it sounds like. I would think you need some space from her so you can get her off your mind. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 Skin, Just out of curiousity, how come you don't distance yourself from her for at least a month or two completely? I know you have kids together, but why not pick up your kids from a 3rd party? You know, have her drop them off with a family friend or relative, then you pick up your child from that friend or relative? I don't think you can heal because you keep running into her every other week it sounds like. I would think you need some space from her so you can get her off your mind. Well M10, I do all the picking up and all the dropping off... she hasnt offered much help with that and most days I dont have to see her... which is nice but still sometimes difficult not to... When i do see her i try and make it quick and to the point... doesnt work all the time though !! Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Well M10, I do all the picking up and all the dropping off... she hasnt offered much help with that !! Why does she have a choice in the matter? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Agree. Nice guys get destroyed. You think you are doing her a service by bending over backward to support her decision? Be indifferent. Treat her as just someone you know. You will get better results. More kindness and more concern, when you are just a doormat. And you are a doormat. You can rationalize it, which you will...I did. But it's still being a doormat. If you care about her. Be tough. That's the problem. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 Agree. Nice guys get destroyed. You think you are doing her a service by bending over backward to support her decision? Be indifferent. Treat her as just someone you know. You will get better results. More kindness and more concern, when you are just a doormat. And you are a doormat. You can rationalize it, which you will...I did. But it's still being a doormat. If you care about her. Be tough. That's the problem. No its just easier if I pick her up at this point... She drops her at Tae Kwon Do practice and I pick her up when she is done.... Spend 4 hours with her and then take her home.. Walk her to the door and leave at this point its nice not having to see my EX at all... once I become more stable in my feelings things will change but until then this is my prefered method..... doormat or not !! Link to post Share on other sites
Mountains10 Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 No its just easier if I pick her up at this point... She drops her at Tae Kwon Do practice and I pick her up when she is done.... Spend 4 hours with her and then take her home.. Walk her to the door and leave at this point its nice not having to see my EX at all... once I become more stable in my feelings things will change but until then this is my prefered method..... doormat or not !! That's the thing though skinman, you won't get more stable in your feelings until you change. It has to happen in order to get that far, is what I think TrustInYourself is trying to say. If you don't change your attitude, she will continue to walk on you. I know it's tough, but just become an actor. Show her a different guy, one that doesn't tolerate being told how to feel. Become a stronger guy and be more confident, show her who's in charge, in order to gain back the respect. Link to post Share on other sites
PWSX3 Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I have to agree Skin, I know you see it as doing what you want but you do need to change things around. How can she start seeing what it will be like when you are helping her out even if it is something simple? Plus like others have said, it will help you move forward in your process. One of the facilitators that is in my DC class shared his story & it sounds like you. He wanted to do what was "right" in reality he was hoping maybe if he would be nice that she would see he is nice & would maybe give him another chance. Well he shared with us that if he could have done it over again there is no way he would have done what he did, being that doormat. I know for me I don't answer the phone when the stbxw calls, I don't answer her text messages unless it has something to do with the divorce. If it is important she can leave a message then "I" can decide if it is important to call her back. It's the small things like picking up kids, having to noise in there car, etc. that they need to handle on there own, we are not here to rescue them.... Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I have to agree Skin, I know you see it as doing what you want but you do need to change things around. How can she start seeing what it will be like when you are helping her out even if it is something simple? Plus like others have said, it will help you move forward in your process. One of the facilitators that is in my DC class shared his story & it sounds like you. He wanted to do what was "right" in reality he was hoping maybe if he would be nice that she would see he is nice & would maybe give him another chance. Well he shared with us that if he could have done it over again there is no way he would have done what he did, being that doormat. I know for me I don't answer the phone when the stbxw calls, I don't answer her text messages unless it has something to do with the divorce. If it is important she can leave a message then "I" can decide if it is important to call her back. It's the small things like picking up kids, having to noise in there car, etc. that they need to handle on there own, we are not here to rescue them.... Bingo! This is the critiical change in thinking that accelerates healing for most individuals going through seperation or divorce will break their fingers trying to pick up the phone any and everytime the EX calls no matter what the reason. Link to post Share on other sites
Sands_of_time Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I know for me I don't answer the phone when the stbxw calls, I don't answer her text messages unless it has something to do with the divorce. If it is important she can leave a message then "I" can decide if it is important to call her back. I agree PWSX3 - I did the same thing. I still have no reservations about doing this. Glad I did it (am still doing it, too). Skin--it's not going to guarantee to bring her back but it's going to give your self respect a bump up to the next level and she will see it. She might not verbalize it to you but it will resonate. I know this is all easier said than done. Grab another set of chainmail my friend and get suited up. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 Bingo! This is the critiical change in thinking that accelerates healing for most individuals going through seperation or divorce will break their fingers trying to pick up the phone any and everytime the EX calls no matter what the reason. Took me about 2 - 3 months after separation to get there. It took conscious effort to maintain it. My subconscious, that was used to being married, that was afraid of change, afraid of loss would constantly push me into believing there was still hope.. which would cause the 'doormat' responses. So I would force myself to ignore those impulses. It's getting to understand WHY we act the way we do.. the reality is that it's all about fear, call it anxiety if you want. Fear of being alone. Fear of being unwanted. Fear of being unattractive and undesirable. Fear of change. Fear or rejection... or even more rejection. Fear of the loss of control over your own life. Fear of not having sex. ...on and on Separation and divorce play hard games with our psyches and egos. You take a hard hit on the old confidence and self image when you're the one who's been dumped. The way that many dumpers treat us only reinforces that. It gives them the power to believe they've done the right thing by leaving. They treat the ones they leave like dirt... the other takes it hoping it may help. They have more power in what's left of the relationship so then they can say to themselves "I sure am glad I left that spineless loser." But it's all mind games.. Closing the door on that treatment is the first major step to taking back control of your life and self image. Because the ones left aren't spineless losers.. they're hurt, confused and can't see which way is up. Cutting all absolutely unecessary contact with the stbx is KEY to begin healing and getting your life back. Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 I know for me I don't answer the phone when the stbxw calls, I don't answer her text messages unless it has something to do with the divorce. If it is important she can leave a message then "I" can decide if it is important to call her back. It's the small things like picking up kids, having to noise in there car, etc. that they need to handle on there own, we are not here to rescue them.... This is by far and large the best advise that Skin needs to embrace, put in his "pipe" and "smoke it". She has seen no change in any arrangements, she is still in her "comfort zone". Skin you need to yank it a little so when the time for the D-settlement comes she will not walk all over you as it seems like she is doing. Please implement this like yesterday! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Thanks everyone... you all have brought up some good points about whats been going on so far.. I have made it easy for her all the while thinking I was making it easier on myself... The sad part is it wont affect her much at all.. She will have my stepdaughter do all the picking up and dropping off of my youngest... At least this way I can determine the times when this will happen..... As for breaking my neck when the Ex calls... thats not an issue with me she never calls or hardly ever emails so thats not a problem... My thinking regarding the situation is changing I realize that even if she did want me back ( no chance at this point) that there is a good chance I wouldn't want her. She has burned our bridge to the ground... It was after our last heated conversation that it really struck me what a P.O.S. I am dealing with here..... Yes I still care a great deal for her but after all that has been said and done there is no way I am going down that road again... You can only be told so many times what a loser you are and how you have screwed up our daughters life and her life.... its a bunch of crap... I knew it and she knew it... I even told her so.... I decided to attend my stepdaughters birthday dinner tomorrow... We'll see how smart of a idea that was but to be honest I feel good about it, knowing that I wont allow the P.O.S. to affect my having a good time with my step... She was pleased that I changed my mind... So we'll see and I will keep you all posted....... Thanks again everyone... I know you guys and gals are looking out for my well being and it touches me.... Divorce SUCKS !!!! Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Thanks everyone... you all have brought up some good points about whats been going on so far.. I have made it easy for her all the while thinking I was making it easier on myself... The sad part is it wont affect her much at all.. She will have my stepdaughter do all the picking up and dropping off of my youngest... At least this way I can determine the times when this will happen..... As for breaking my neck when the Ex calls... thats not an issue with me she never calls or hardly ever emails so thats not a problem... My thinking regarding the situation is changing I realize that even if she did want me back ( no chance at this point) that there is a good chance I wouldn't want her. She has burned our bridge to the ground... It was after our last heated conversation that it really struck me what a P.O.S. I am dealing with here..... Yes I still care a great deal for her but after all that has been said and done there is no way I am going down that road again... You can only be told so many times what a loser you are and how you have screwed up our daughters life and her life.... its a bunch of crap... I knew it and she knew it... I even told her so.... I decided to attend my stepdaughters birthday dinner tomorrow... We'll see how smart of a idea that was but to be honest I feel good about it, knowing that I wont allow the P.O.S. to affect my having a good time with my step... She was pleased that I changed my mind... So we'll see and I will keep you all posted....... Thanks again everyone... I know you guys and gals are looking out for my well being and it touches me.... Divorce SUCKS !!!! Something that sticks out in my head is how she advised you to treat your ex-wife before her. Maybe that is behavior that she respects and demands from men. Who knows, but I wish you strength and happiness. Take care. Link to post Share on other sites
Gowithflow Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 I decided to attend my stepdaughters birthday dinner tomorrow... We'll see how smart of a idea that was but to be honest I feel good about it, knowing that I wont allow the P.O.S. to affect my having a good time with my step... She was pleased that I changed my mind... So we'll see and I will keep you all posted....... Good call on going to the B-day party. Show up with a bunch of flowers, (for the stepdaughter), and have a good time! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted February 6, 2009 Author Share Posted February 6, 2009 Something that sticks out in my head is how she advised you to treat your ex-wife before her. Maybe that is behavior that she respects and demands from men. Who knows, but I wish you strength and happiness. Take care. I dont know TIY... but she was with me for the first few years that I was going through the custody and support issues with my 1st ex... I believe she is taking out some of her resentment from that time out on me now.. Her father treated the family like crap and looking at her now she is so much like him that you may be right.. Her uncle even told me that the way she is acting is just like her dad... she has always treated my oldest daughter with such animosity and hate its unbelieveable... She was always threatened by my relationship with my daughter... Once she came to live with us after my 1st wife passed things got worse after a few months.. I was caught in the middle of doing whats right by my daughter and seeing my wifes point of view.. life is so much easier for me now in regards to that.. It got ugly quite a few times and when my oldest got pregnant..... that was it she tossed her out to live with her boyfriend... The only good thing so far to come of this is my oldest and I have gotten so much closer..... She is a happy camper that i am finally away from her.......... Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted February 6, 2009 Share Posted February 6, 2009 Things are looking better skin. Aside from the constant drama you choose to wallow in, you are making real progress. No, it won't get easier for awhile yet. It is becoming a habit, a part of you to think of what you are doing before doing it though isn't it? It's great you aren't still being a doormat, congrats on that. The only revenge you can hope for now is to live well. Link to post Share on other sites
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