She asked for space and I gave it to her

[skinman]

Skin,

 

You NEED to move on. PERIOD. This is one of the longest post I've seen on LS and EVERYONE is giving you solid advice w/o emotion. Emotions will mess you up big time. GET IT? You NEED to get SELFISH, ANGRY, INDIFFERENT, ANGRY, ANGRY, ANGRY. You need to put things into a realistic perspective. Your heart and emotions are deceiving you right now. MAN UP. Keep some of your pride and start putting the trash where it belongs. You busted your arse for 15 yrs right? Remember that when it comes to dealing with her. SELF PRESERVATION. Only you can do it.

 

Hope this helps,

cyabye

 

Is it time to lock the thread?

 

Thanks it has helped along with everyone else's comments... you all are right I guess I have always had a little hope in the back of my mind that she would see the light.... I was wrong and can now admit it.... Today I went and closed the accounts on 3 mutual cd's we had together which was my money to begin with... I have perpared myself for whatever BS she has instore for me when I file my taxes separately.....

 

And as for N9 comments about me being concerned about someone else being at my house that I am still paying most of the mortgage on... thats why........ I dont think I need any other reason its still my f-ing house and it pisses me off to no end knowing that she is doing that....

 

and on a side note.... I have made a date for this weekend time to get my game on again.....

[n9688m]

And as for N9 comments about me being concerned about someone else being at my house that I am still paying most of the mortgage on...

 

The obvious question is - why are you still paying the mortgage?

 

and on a side note.... I have made a date for this weekend time to get my game on again.....

 

Excellent plan...

[skinman]

The obvious question is - why are you still paying the mortgage?

 

 

 

Excellent plan...

 

Well when I spoke with the attorney the first time he said since my name is on it and I want to keep my interest in it I should pay it....Belive me I hate to do it thats why I am living in my brothers basement.. paying rent here and the mortgage doesnt leave much left N9.....

 

Thanks man... You have been one of my biggest how should I say it "MOTIVATORS" during this crap....

[n9688m]

Well when I spoke with the attorney the first time he said since my name is on it and I want to keep my interest in it I should pay it....

 

It is a marital asset whether you pay it or not.

 

The only disadvantage to not paying it would be that it if your ex does not step up to the plate then your credit rating could be affected. I think the risk is worth it for a month or two - your ex doesn't want her home to be foreclosed and this might bring the issue to the table.

 

The flipside is that since she is living in the house but you are paying the mortgage, when you get to equitable distribution you will probably get credit for the payments you have made, i.e. that will increase your share of the marital assets. But that is only a small consolation if you are currently financially strapped.

 

Bottom line - living in a basement while paying for my ex to live in "my" house would set me off to no end.

 

Solution: If it were me I would give her an ultimatum. Either she starts paying the mortgage or else you move back into the house. You still have just as much right to live there as she does. Just be really careful that you do not let her in any way provoke you into getting a restraining order if you do move back. If she starts an argument, just run away.

 

I know you said previously you will let her keep the marital home because the kids will live more of the time with her. Why will you permit that? Why not get a job which lets you spend equal time with the kids? That's better for the children and better for you. And while you are at it, stay put in the house and make her move out next time, not you. Why roll over? She caused this - let her bear the brunt of it. If she argues, tell her adultresses shouldn't keep their homes - and keep telling her over and over.

 

You have been one of my biggest how should I say it "MOTIVATORS" during this crap....

Only because I am barely half a step ahead of you.. .you are quite welcome.

[skinman]

Bottom line - living in a basement while paying for my ex to live in "my" house would set me off to no end.

 

I know you said previously you will let her keep the marital home because the kids will live more of the time with her. Why will you permit that? Why not get a job which lets you spend equal time with the kids? That's better for the children and better for you. And while you are at it, stay put in the house and make her move out next time, not you. Why roll over? She caused this - let her bear the brunt of it. If she argues, tell her adultresses shouldn't keep their homes - and keep telling her over and over.

 

Only because I am barely half a step ahead of you.. .you are quite welcome.

 

N9 the economy in my area is so bad now just like across the nation.. I have a well paying job that I have been at for over 16 years I cant give that up at the time when companies like mine have closed and are laying off people.. this time last year we had twice as many people working for us... the 7/11 up the street isnt even hiring... the immigrant workers that flooded our town have mostly left because things areso slow... as for her keeping the home thats incorrect i am letting her stay there until we put it on the market hopefully in the next month or 2...

 

I know i agree with everything you said except quiting my job... if I had known her intentions when I moved out I would have never left... I thought it was temporary.... If I learn anything from this its dont move out

 

And I do appreciate it N9... there have been times when you have pissed me off but I know your heart was in the right place...

[n9688m]

I know i agree with everything you said except quiting my job... if I had known her intentions when I moved out I would have never left... I thought it was temporary.... If I learn anything from this its dont move out

 

Why don't you move back in? You still have every right to do so.

[skinman]

If someone is going to do those things to you, why should you believe them, trust them, and negotiate with them.

 

You want love? Love yourself. You want trust. Trust yourself. You want happiness. Give yourself happiness.

 

Stop relying on others. Those who act, decide their fate.

 

TIY....

I have printed this out and read it each morning along with Nomads words... I haven't felt this good in years everyone I appreciate all of your all advice and patience... Pelicanpreacher, N9 and LakesideDream and Gunny..you all have been with me the entire time.. Not to forget PWS..

Well yesterday I went and cashed in 3cd's that me and the P.O.S. had together...

 

I have seen her a few times and I have to say her affect on me is almost gone... I dont see the same woman I loved at one time.. I see a woman who is out to try and break me.... The old Skin might have caved but these past couple days the light is shining brighter at the end...

 

As Cyabye said I need to get angry... well I am angry I am angry at myself for allowing her to have so much control over my emotions and for caring and hoping as long as I have.. I am angry at her for tearing apart my family like she has for the sake of her own pleasures...... The thoughts of her have diminished a great deal with controlling what and how I think... The old Skin is dead the new skin is looking forward to his new life without the P.O.S. in it.... I know that there will be tough times ahead with the divorce but after my vacation in 2 weeks I will be much better prepared physically and emotionally to handle any BS she throws my way....

 

I will be HAPPY again........ I will LOVE again and I will and I will make some woman proud to have me by her side............ F.. the P.O.S.

[TrustInYourself]

TIY....

I have printed this out and read it each morning along with Nomads words... I haven't felt this good in years everyone I appreciate all of your all advice and patience... Pelicanpreacher, N9 and LakesideDream and Gunny..you all have been with me the entire time.. Not to forget PWS..

Well yesterday I went and cashed in 3cd's that me and the P.O.S. had together...

 

I have seen her a few times and I have to say her affect on me is almost gone... I dont see the same woman I loved at one time.. I see a woman who is out to try and break me.... The old Skin might have caved but these past couple days the light is shining brighter at the end...

 

As Cyabye said I need to get angry... well I am angry I am angry at myself for allowing her to have so much control over my emotions and for caring and hoping as long as I have.. I am angry at her for tearing apart my family like she has for the sake of her own pleasures...... The thoughts of her have diminished a great deal with controlling what and how I think... The old Skin is dead the new skin is looking forward to his new life without the P.O.S. in it.... I know that there will be tough times ahead with the divorce but after my vacation in 2 weeks I will be much better prepared physically and emotionally to handle any BS she throws my way....

 

I will be HAPPY again........ I will LOVE again and I will and I will make some woman proud to have me by her side............ F.. the P.O.S.

 

Haha, I'm glad to hear it. Isn't it liberating to know you are going to get past this time in your life and come out even happier? Keep strong and remember there will be ups and downs. Life is what you make of it.

[whichwayisup]

So, the D might take a year..But emotionally and physically you can let go and move on. You're half way there buddy!!

 

You may still have some rough days, feeling emotional etc, but it won't last long as you're getting stronger daily..All that crap she's put you through and that pain you've felt has now hardened you against her.

 

Focus on the happier stuff in YOUR life and all the good things that are around the corner...

[skinman]

Haha, I'm glad to hear it. Isn't it liberating to know you are going to get past this time in your life and come out even happier? Keep strong and remember there will be ups and downs. Life is what you make of it.

 

 

Thanks TIY.. And WWIU.. you both have offered such good advice and encouragment.. I appreciate you both so much... and yes I look forward to getting past this difficult time and moving on to the rest of my life...

 

She has caused me much grief and it will catch up to to her in the end I will come out of this much better than I came in... I have read more on Happines and changes and will beocme a better man than when I started... yes it liberating knowing that one day I just might find someone to love me as much as I will love myself... I have always been someone too look after everyone else's need before my own.. well My daughters come before myself but no one else will....

 

I hope to find love again when I am ready..

[Gunny376]

I have always been someone too look after everyone else's need before my own.. well My daughters come before myself but no one else will

 

That's what we call in tha Corps ~ "Manning-up!"

 

By God!

 

Stand up! Hook up! Stand by the door!

 

Green light on?

 

Jump out and yell Marine Corps!!!!!

[Gunny376]

What I meant to covey was that your dedicated and honorable!

[skinman]

Thanks Gunny...

 

I'd like to think that I was a very honorable man during my marriage and would have done anything for my family... I did do anything for my family and as my P.O.S. stbxw says that is one reason that we are not together... Well we had a interesting discussion yesterday regarding our house and tax situation... If you all remember a few months ago I offered my wife 30,000$ to buy her out so that she would have enough money to put a down payment on a house... at the time she agreed but later changed her mind...... It would seem now that she feels that she deserves the house and wants to buy me out.... Well not actually she doesnt want to give me an money but would accept nothing from my 401k....

 

she has been talking with her friends and has come to the conclusion that she is also entitled to half of my retirement what the dumb **** doesn't understand is i dont get a retirement that my 401k is all I have... She also informed me that she can live in the house even after we divorce and doesnt have to agree to sell it..... I dont know who she is getting her info from but she is wrong... why does it seem when you are doing well and putting everything behind you that you realize that there is still so much crap that I have to go through that this isn't even near the end that I still have 8 months to go...

 

she is determined to make sure that I have as much when i leave this marriage as I came into it.... I would have never done this to her and left her without anything beacuse we built everything that we have together... yet she has come to the conclusion that all we have built together should be hers.....

 

I should have listened to most of you when you said to get an attorney that she was out to screw me..... Well you all were right... I am sorry for not listening to you all...... I was hoping to come out of this with a little money to start a new life now all I will have is a bunch of debt and not a damn thing to show for it.......

[n9688m]

I should have listened to most of you when you said to get an attorney that she was out to screw me..... Well you all were right... I am sorry for not listening to you all...... I was hoping to come out of this with a little money to start a new life now all I will have is a bunch of debt and not a damn thing to show for it.......

 

We all said it only because we were there too - and made the same mistakes.

 

It's not too late to fix it. Move back into the house immediately - as in tomorrow! She is quite right that she can live in the house after the divorce - especially if she has primary custody of the kids.

 

Believe it or not, it is possible that the judge will divide the house "equally" but let her stay in it anyway until the kids all graduate from high school. So you might "pay" for your half of the house but not get any house in return.

 

After you move back into the house, go start looking for a consulting job you can do with flexible hours and still sustain your income. Then you will be on even keel with her to keep equal custody as well. That's best for your kids more than anything else - and it will also give you a leg up financially as well.

[pelicanpreacher]

Your stbx has been colluding with her OM right from the beginning on how best to screw you over. It is, after all, in their mutual best interests to do so and have taken your integrity, depression and reluctance to fight for yourself as a signs of weakness to be manipulated and controlled! Worse yet, they both have access to all of your personal information including W-2's so don't be surprised if they decide for her to surreptiously enjoin you in filing a joint return to saddle you with her tax liability! As a matter of fact, I wouldn't put it past her to open credit cards in your name for, unless you can financially document that you've been paying rent elsewhere, she can still assert that up until the actual divorce your residency continued to be your home in defense of running up more debt on their behalf during your watch. Though you've been slow to heed our advice at the onset of this saga you'd better believe that she was quick to heed her OM's and they've been absolutely dedicated to your demise with no compunction whatsoever in plotting their devilish engines of destruction!

[skinman]

Your stbx has been colluding with her OM right from the beginning on how best to screw you over. It is, after all, in their mutual best interests to do so and have taken your integrity, depression and reluctance to fight for yourself as a signs of weakness to be manipulated and controlled! Worse yet, they both have access to all of your personal information including W-2's so don't be surprised if they decide for her to surreptiously enjoin you in filing a joint return to saddle you with her tax liability! As a matter of fact, I wouldn't put it past her to open credit cards in your name for, unless you can financially document that you've been paying rent elsewhere, she can still assert that up until the actual divorce your residency continued to be your home in defense of running up more debt on their behalf during your watch. Though you've been slow to heed our advice at the onset of this saga you'd better believe that she was quick to heed her OM's and they've been absolutely dedicated to your demise with no compunction whatsoever in plotting their devilish engines of destruction!

 

Well PP you are right in most instances ... luckily when we separated I signed up for the fraud identity alert with my credit card and know of all the transactios so far that have involved my credit... as for the w-2's i received then from work and she doesnt has access even though she is dying to get ahold of them to save her own A$$.

 

I am angry at myself for putting trust in someone to do the right thing with regards to whats best for her daughter....it appears that she could care less that she doesnt have a room when she visits me and that I sleep on the couch but yet she wants me to have her as often as possible....

 

I could never do another person what she is hell bent on doing to me.....

[mark982]

you know in a way, your stbxw is pretty damn dumb.tell you she's going to try to attach your 401k,screw you on this and that,b/4 you do taxes together.that's not too damn smart.i do hope that has made up your mind about your taxes. and can't you inturn go after her income, if i remember correctly, she owns her own business.

[mark982]

I'd quit putting any more money into the 401k until after the divorce.

[skinman]

you know in a way, your stbxw is pretty damn dumb.tell you she's going to try to attach your 401k,screw you on this and that,b/4 you do taxes together.that's not too damn smart.i do hope that has made up your mind about your taxes. and can't you inturn go after her income, if i remember correctly, she owns her own business.

 

 

Yes you would think all the "great advice" she has been getting from her friends she would think before she speaks... I will be filing on my own and leaving her out to dry.... I stopped contributing to my 401k as soon as we separated.....

 

I guess you learn some lessons the hard way.......

[n9688m]

it appears that she could care less that she doesnt have a room when she visits me and that I sleep on the couch but yet she wants me to have her as often as possible....

 

Oh you still miss the point Skinman... she may well want you to have her as often as possible down the road - but first she will want primary custody since that will get her more money. And guess what - since you do not have a suitable room for her to visit you, it is not appropriate for you to have shared custody. Ta da.....

 

I say again - move back into your home immediately.

[pelicanpreacher]

As a matter of fact, you move back into the master bedroom and safeguard it with a new deadbolt for the door while putting her bed in the garage equipped with a heater. Depression time is over for your worm has turned!

[Gunny376]

If ever there was a man that needed a junk-ward pit bull of an attorney it is you!

 

I agree with PP, in that I would be moving back into the martial home, put a dead-bolt on the master bedroom, and make myself comfy. If that PHO? Oh well.

 

Then I would get the above mentioned lawyer, and shoot for the moon. I'd be going for everything she had and hope to have to include her freaking birthday. (You can always "do the right thing" and settle for an agree for a lower orbit)

 

Your problem here Skin is your trying to be the "nice" guy in all this and trying to do the righteous and honorable thing. Trouble is the STBXW is playing that against you.

 

I go for sole custody of the DD, the house (you've got just as much claim to it as she does) child support, alimony, the gold in her teeth!

 

I should add that when I went through this eighteen almost nineteen years ago, I gave the XHEX everything from a twelve year marriage, the tax deduction for the children, child support.

 

Out of a twelve year marriage I kept a magazine rack I hand made from an old wooden Coke~Cola crate, a wooden hamper that I had made, an artificial hanging fern, the Yamaha stereo system (that I worked a second at the enlisted club while stationed in Okinawa Japan to buy) and all of the cassettes and CDs) And she bitched about that!

 

The old boy that she was cheating on me with (among the others) and finally married is about eight years younger than she is, (That's alright I had her back in the day when she was in her prime! She gets older, uglier, and meaner with each passing day ~ but "he's got her!" so I guess that makes him the "winner" )

 

Women's Lib ~ aka ~ FemiNazi have gotten American men to thinking that they're just to roll over with their bellies up like a dog that's been beat too much?

 

The fact of the matter is? Women get sole or joint custody in 90% of the divorces? The primary reason? Because men just roll over and don't seek let alone fight for custody! But? In the 10% of the cases where men seek sole custody? They're awarded it 90% of the time.

 

Another interesting fact is that in those 10% cases where the Fathers are awarded custody? The XHEX doesn't pay court ordered child support ~ 90% of the time!

 

Flordia went after over 14.000 so-called "dead-beat" dad's, and found out that the reason they were so called "dead-beat" dads were not paying child support?

 

Was because ........................they were dead!

[TrustInYourself]

So, now what? Actions speak louder than words. You have made the realization of what to expect from her. What action must you take? What mindset must you have? Are you paying us lip (finger?) service?

 

Get your ducks in a row and tell us some stories about how you are better prepared for both eventualities (divorce/reconciliation) rather than waiting for something to happen.

[skinman]

So, now what? Actions speak louder than words. You have made the realization of what to expect from her. What action must you take? What mindset must you have? Are you paying us lip (finger?) service?

 

Get your ducks in a row and tell us some stories about how you are better prepared for both eventualities (divorce/reconciliation) rather than waiting for something to happen.

 

Well there will be no reconciliation as far as I am concerned... maybe in the future but I am preparing for the Divorce. I have an appointment with an attorney next week before my vacation....I will take the 10 days that I will be away to get my head on straight to go ahead and fight for everything that I can possibly get...She has made her bed and will lie in it.. I have been trying to do it the nice way for the sake of my daughter... I have never wanted to hate this woman but she leave me no choice. I will not be moving back in at the present time because that would cause more problems than I have at the moment.......I have made sure every check that I have given her has mortgage payment written on it along with the other items I help pay for.... So its NC until I get back by that time the mortage tax information I have requested should be at the house so I can file my taxes and leave the P.O.S. out to hang herself ...........

 

As Gunny would say I am preparing my foxhole for the battle that will insue............

[n9688m]

I will not be moving back in at the present time because that would cause more problems than I have at the moment.

Then clearly you have not learned a thing from what we have all told you.

 

I have made sure every check that I have given her has mortgage payment written on it along with the other items I help pay for.

That plus a dollar is worth a cup of coffee.

 

Mark my words... you will lose your house, you will subsidize the cost of the house while your ex still lives in it, you will lose custody of your kids, and your STBXW will get more than half of your net pay for years to come.