She's_NotInLove_w/Me Posted April 14, 2009 Share Posted April 14, 2009 It feels good when you drive instead of ride doesen't it? LS, I like the combination of light humor and the dose of heavy reality in the above statement... Skinman, you are obviously thinking with your head on straight - good job. On the grass is always greener subject, though the movie is marketed to those with younger kids, for anyone who has not seen the movie "Coraline" - make sure to see it - the whole story is an incredible metaphor for anyone with the 'grass is always greener syndrome' in any aspect of life. The DVD / Blu-Ray should release at the end of June... Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted April 15, 2009 Author Share Posted April 15, 2009 Skin, you typed: still have my moments of reflection and sadness but with time they will go away... just wanted to let you all know that i am hanging in there and making the best of what I have been dealt... From your tone buddy I would say that those feelings are already going away. Good riddence. I'm pleased that you went ahead and did what was best for you tax wise. That was a big step. It feels good when you drive instead of ride doesen't it? The Grass is always greener until the snow begins to fall..... LD... you are so right my friend... Last night I had a moment of clarity... I thought to msyelf Damn.... I am so lucky to have that woman and her toxic attitude out of my life... She was such a leach... a sucker of happiness and life right out of me.... Now I can see that my future will be so much more fulfilled without her.......... I guess what they say about Love being blind...... so true.... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 LD... you are so right my friend... Last night I had a moment of clarity... I thought to msyelf Damn.... I am so lucky to have that woman and her toxic attitude out of my life... She was such a leach... a sucker of happiness and life right out of me.... Now I can see that my future will be so much more fulfilled without her Is that really true or perhaps that is rationalization too which we are all often guilty of? I certainly think my STBXW made an inexcusably selfish decision, and I hope there is a special place in hell for adultresses with young children. But that said, I have no need or interest in revising history prior to the affair/separation. We had a wonderful family life until then and none of this changes that. Link to post Share on other sites
sucre8095 Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 Skin. I have reviewed your thread from the very beginning for the past hour and deep down was hoping for a Rosy ending. In my life, I'm about 5 months behind you in a similar situation. With some hope my wife and I are trying to start over by dating each other again and establishing a friendship. Like you, I have doubts and insecurities, but I'm giving it a shot, knowing if it fails what the ultimate outcome is. I also have kids, 4 total and am married for 13yrs. I know this doesn't help you but I wanted to share some advice that was given to me. And to all out there, we hear the advice and appreciate it, its just sometimes we are paralyzed to apply the advice given to us. Here are some examples of advice given to me. Any chance you have with your daughter, enjoy what life has to offer, go to movies, museums, trips. Try to be as far away from your STBXW as you can possible. Find your "Cheers", local hangout where you see friends on a weekly basis. They will soon be the replacement for your STBXW, where you look forward to seeing them more than thinking about your STBXW. What you will be remembered most out of this experience, is how you met and overcame "Adversity" This will ease most if not all of the pain you have and all your friends in this forum will praise and smile with you in your happiness. I wish you also joy and happiness as you find it in your quest. But going through it as you are I know its not easy. I certainly don't have the solution, but thanks to your forum, it is helping me to cope with my problem. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted April 15, 2009 Author Share Posted April 15, 2009 Is that really true or perhaps that is rationalization too which we are all often guilty of? I certainly think my STBXW made an inexcusably selfish decision, and I hope there is a special place in hell for adultresses with young children. But that said, I have no need or interest in revising history prior to the affair/separation. We had a wonderful family life until then and none of this changes that. Well N9, I would say that its not true.. your statement is more the truth.... I guess its just a little hurt and bitterness I still feel for the way she ended it all and betrayed me and my family... Since then she has changed so much.. she is an angry and bitter woman and the one I see before me is knowone I want to be associated with..... She was at one time a very loving mom and wife... but she is no longer around.....that is the one I often miss..... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 Well N9, I would say that its not true.. your statement is more the truth.... I guess its just a little hurt and bitterness I still feel for the way she ended it all and betrayed me and my family... Since then she has changed so much.. she is an angry and bitter woman and the one I see before me is knowone I want to be associated with..... She was at one time a very loving mom and wife... but she is no longer around.....that is the one I often miss..... I agree there... and it has become increasingly apparent to me that while I am healing and will continue to heal, she will always bear the scars and guilt for what she has done. Every day I know I am doing the best I can for my kids; every day until she dies she will have to live with the guilt over what she has done. That must be overwhelming for her. I have also heard it said that divorce makes dads better parents - that certainly can be true in many cases as it gives you lots of 1 on 1 parenting time. Maybe that's a sliver lining. Link to post Share on other sites
Gowithflow Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 I have also heard it said that divorce makes dads better parents - that certainly can be true in many cases as it gives you lots of 1 on 1 parenting time. Maybe that's a sliver lining. So true. Prior to my separation I was more of a playmate dad than a father. When we split I was freaking out but not ready to step away from my new role. Now, as a single dad 50% of the time to my D5 I feel i'm prepared for anything. I have way more patience and look forward to the quality time we spend together. I cut back or quit doing most of the things that distracted me from her in the past, and now it seems like it's no big deal. Yes, the barn is a mess and so is the yard. the dirtbike is collecting a lot of dust and all the rest of my toys just sit most of the time. No big deal. My daughter is loving me now more than ever and that is the biggest silver lining I could ever hope for. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted April 15, 2009 Author Share Posted April 15, 2009 My daughter is loving me now more than ever and that is the biggest silver lining I could ever hope for. This is the same in my situation... We have so much better quality time together now than when I was home... She/I cant wait until we get together to do things... Maybe it was a blessing in disguise.... And N9... I totaly agree its something that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives... The guilt I hope she feels oneday for wrecking our family for their selfishness..... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 And N9... I totaly agree its something that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives... The guilt I hope she feels oneday for wrecking our family for their selfishness..... I suspect this is also at the root of many custody battles - including the one I am currently engaged in. If she can convince herself and the world that I am an inferior parent, then she is the hero for "saving" the kids from me through divorce. But if I am in fact an equally competent parent, then that is the final strike in her attempt to rationalize her behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 Skin, I'll give you a hint at what comes next. Someday soon you'll wake up and realize that you don't need "her" to be happy. That will be a great day bucko. The step after that comes when you wake up with the realization that you don't want to waste the time and effort to even think about her. Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted April 15, 2009 Share Posted April 15, 2009 Skin, I'll give you a hint at what comes next. Someday soon you'll wake up and realize that you don't need "her" to be happy. That will be a great day bucko. The step after that comes when you wake up with the realization that you don't want to waste the time and effort to even think about her. It is a bit more complicated when there are young kids involved. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted April 15, 2009 Author Share Posted April 15, 2009 Skin, I'll give you a hint at what comes next. Someday soon you'll wake up and realize that you don't need "her" to be happy. That will be a great day bucko. The step after that comes when you wake up with the realization that you don't want to waste the time and effort to even think about her. thats the day I am really looking forward to LD... and I think it will be here sooner than I think .... I am realizing now that I dont need "her" to be happy... I am happy being just me friend.... Thats all I need for right now....... me and my girls...Thats all that matters !! Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. I absolutely loved and was deeply in love with my now ex wife right up to D-day. The last couple of years of our marriage I had redoubled my efforts to be a good husband, friend, and lover. The kids were grown and this was going to be "our time". It was everything I had worked for and dreamed of. Then in an instant on dreary late May day it was all over. It hurt like falling into the holy hobbs of hell. I had no idea whatsoever that my now ex had another agenda going. She was a good actress. I was fantasticly lucky to get through it all... and I had exactly the help I needed. Like many she took the "I'll really mess him over" route so that I would "hate" her. She knew exactly what she was doing. She truely believed that within six months I would be on the street homeless, or dead. And she might have been correct... like I said, I had the help I needed to survive. I will never underestimate the power of Love, or the pain of betrayal. I know just what BS's feel, and I am full of sympathy, literally full. Is she sorry now? Maybe for the way she acted and her tactics, I'll probably never know. Does she regret her actions? I'm sure she does not. She has who and what she wanted, unknown to me for decades. Do I wish her well... no sadly, I'm not that big a person. The best I can do personally is sigh and shrug my shoulders. I don't hurt anymore, I don't care anymore. Life has gone on. I have met new challenges and fought a good fight. I never lost my will to survive and succeed. I've paid my dues, and will continue paying as I know I will have to remain active, and productive until I just cannot. I will cross that bridge when I arrive there. I just wasn't good enough, or lucky enough to win or earn an easy life after .. so I'll stay in the game, as long as I can, and enjoy my life to the best of my abilities. Your a much younger guy Skin (and others).. You have another run left in you. Don't waste it ! Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted April 17, 2009 Share Posted April 17, 2009 I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. I absolutely loved and was deeply in love with my now ex wife right up to D-day. The last couple of years of our marriage I had redoubled my efforts to be a good husband, friend, and lover. The kids were grown and this was going to be "our time". It was everything I had worked for and dreamed of. Then in an instant on dreary late May day it was all over. It hurt like falling into the holy hobbs of hell. I had no idea whatsoever that my now ex had another agenda going. She was a good actress. I was fantasticly lucky to get through it all... and I had exactly the help I needed. Like many she took the "I'll really mess him over" route so that I would "hate" her. She knew exactly what she was doing. She truely believed that within six months I would be on the street homeless, or dead. And she might have been correct... like I said, I had the help I needed to survive. I will never underestimate the power of Love, or the pain of betrayal. I know just what BS's feel, and I am full of sympathy, literally full. Is she sorry now? Maybe for the way she acted and her tactics, I'll probably never know. Does she regret her actions? I'm sure she does not. She has who and what she wanted, unknown to me for decades. Do I wish her well... no sadly, I'm not that big a person. The best I can do personally is sigh and shrug my shoulders. I don't hurt anymore, I don't care anymore. Life has gone on. I have met new challenges and fought a good fight. I never lost my will to survive and succeed. I've paid my dues, and will continue paying as I know I will have to remain active, and productive until I just cannot. I will cross that bridge when I arrive there. I just wasn't good enough, or lucky enough to win or earn an easy life after .. so I'll stay in the game, as long as I can, and enjoy my life to the best of my abilities. Your a much younger guy Skin (and others).. You have another run left in you. Don't waste it ! Bravo Lakeside. You're an inspiration to all of us. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted April 18, 2009 Author Share Posted April 18, 2009 I don't want anyone to get the wrong idea. I absolutely loved and was deeply in love with my now ex wife right up to D-day. The last couple of years of our marriage I had redoubled my efforts to be a good husband, friend, and lover. The kids were grown and this was going to be "our time". It was everything I had worked for and dreamed of. Then in an instant on dreary late May day it was all over. Your a much younger guy Skin (and others).. You have another run left in you. Don't waste it ! I know you did LD... I can tell from our conversations just how much you did care.. like you said before... You didnt choose this path that your on.. in was chosen for you... And thank buddy... If I ever do get that chance again I will make sure and learn from yours and Gunny's words of wisdom.... Like you my wife told me that I had changed for the better towards the end... sadly by that time it was to late she had already replaced me in her mind...... I wish you the best LD.... your a good man in my book friend !!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted April 19, 2009 Author Share Posted April 19, 2009 Today I offered the P.O.S. the house in our settlement agreement... Would you belive that she still had the f-ing nerve to sit and blame me for most of our problems... Said that we were never a good fit and that because of me she felt alone and misunderstood... Her excuses get better with time it seems... You who have my read my thread know that I wasnt perfect and took more crap than i should for the sake of my family yet she can still re-write our marriage as if it was hell for her during the 15 years... I dont know I guess I am bitter in a sense that she has already replaced me and I have no one.. She tried to guitl me into leaving her on my insurance until we divorce because she is so strapped for cash at this point... She even told our daughter that "Daddy" was thinking of canceling mommies insurance.... What a tool and I told her how dare that she involved our daughter in our discussion..... Pissed me off As of now i told her i would leave her on it... Once she signs the papers then i will drop her sorry Arse........I just needed to blow off some steam sorry for ranting.......... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 Said that we were never a good fit and that because of me she felt alone and misunderstood... Then why did she marry you? And whose fault was that? As of now i told her i would leave her on it... Once she signs the papers then i will drop her sorry Arse........I just needed to blow off some steam sorry for ranting.......... Until you are officially divorced you may be responsible for her medical benefits anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
LakesideDream Posted April 19, 2009 Share Posted April 19, 2009 I'll give you a hint Skin. The most misunderstood, and powerful word in the English language is "NO". I understand that it's an extremely difficult word to use, and it takes practice to do so. It took me a little while, and a few tries, but once I got the hang of it my live approved in a big way. Not just my relationship life, life in general. The urge is often to try to "soften the blow" or to be all things to all people. Saying no when appropriate appears to run counter to that. No isn't a "PC" word. No "gray area" or "wiggle room" in No. The thing I like most about being able to say "No" is how liberating it is. Once you say it the discussion is over unless you agree to continue. That can be a relief. Next time a situation comes up where you know that the best answer is "no"... say it. See how it feels. Link to post Share on other sites
pelicanpreacher Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 Waaaaaaaaaait a minute. Your stbx had plenty of funds to traipse off to vacation for a week in Argentina with her new beau yet wants you to believe that she's not only strapped for cash but that you should also feel guilty enough about it to carry the costs of her healthcare? If you have a legal separation agreement and this cost is not stipulated as a requirement for you to support then I'm sorry but she's on her own. The fact is, she has been on her own the moment she got a wild hair up her azz and decided to destroy the marriage with her narcissism, lies, and infidelity. I can't believe that you keep falling for the same old "Oh woe is me that Skinman is the source of all my pain, WAAAAAAAUGH" schtick to keep guilting you time and time again to bend to her will. I thought you wanted to buy her out of the house? Whatever happened to that plan? Mark my words that if you keep it up she'll not only get your house but she'll also get a good chunk of your 401K and, if she eats her Wheaties, she'll tap you for lifetime alimony on top of child support. You need to heed LakeSide's advice and start learning to say no to this woman now else she'll be in your pocket in one way shape or form for the rest of your life! Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 If you have a legal separation agreement and this cost is not stipulated as a requirement for you to support then I'm sorry but she's on her own. The problem is that he doesn't have a legal separation agreement and despite all the obvious progress he has made psychologically, he has not responded to the economic and legal advice he has been given here over a period of months. He is going to be taken to the cleaners by his STBXW financially and no matter what we say he won't believe us. Frankly it sounds as if he is being penny wise and pound foolish - he is trying to save money on legal fees but will probably owe 20 times that when his STBXW is through with him years from now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author skinman Posted April 20, 2009 Author Share Posted April 20, 2009 Well PP we were actually talking about the agreement... And yes i did want to buy her out but after looking closer at my finances I would be house poor if I bought it.... This way I give her the house and she leaves my 401k alone... She has agreed to all of that so far and as N9 pointed out I may well be responsible to pay her health care..... And I am not falling for all her Skinman is the source of her pain crap..... I found it funny that each time we talk I did something else to make her unhappy and the story is ever changing...... Thats what I was trying to say above how its always different....... Yes she has tried to guilt me into keeping her on the insurance... I have fallen for it in the past but until I can get this agreemnt signed I will leave her on it to keep her happy..... She even tried to justify her screwing this guy by saying that she was married to her ex. when we got together... Which is true but at the time I didn't know all the facts....... I know you guys have told me many times to not let her get to me but there are times that she can piss me off to no end....... She is definetely a manipulative B##ch......... Link to post Share on other sites
n9688m Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 She is definetely a manipulative B##ch......... So why don't you have a lawyer yet? Why haven't you moved back into the house? Link to post Share on other sites
TrustInYourself Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 People will push you as far as you let them. Link to post Share on other sites
SRV Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 Skin you best heed LD's advise. The next time you engage her in conversation and she starts mentioning the past, you need to assertively put an end to that discussion. You need to let her know that you are no longer interested in it and will no longer discuss the past. Skin, you do not owe her anything at this point, be courteous yet assertive. Only engage her in conversation on your DD or divorce settlement, and shouldn't a lawyer be doing this for you anyway when it comes to any agreement that you might have? What makes you think that she will hold up her end of the bargain if there are no lawyers involved? (She deceived you before, what makes you think this time it will be any different?) There is no need to even discuss this, that's why you pay the lawyers, let them talk and discuss the settlement issues. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted April 20, 2009 Share Posted April 20, 2009 As far as the settlement my situation was fairly simple. All we had together was household items and debt. During our early conversations she talked about helping to pay off part of the debt. One we started having my lawyer draw up papers she changed her tune once she realized all the debt was in my name. It would have cost me as much or more to get money from her than to just pay off the debt on my own. Bottom line is you should take the lead in writing up a settlement so that you are the cart rather then the one being dragged behind it. Be careful about allowing the lawyers to do everything because they are trained to be confrontational and rack up billable hours. Once you get to a point when your two lawyers are doing all the talking and negotiating things can spiral out of control. You take control of the situation. Do as much negotiation with your STBX as possible then have a lawyer draw up a draft. Then you hammer out the details for the final settlement. All you have right now is words. Link to post Share on other sites
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