Panchita Posted September 4, 2003 Share Posted September 4, 2003 hello well heres my problem. I had a baby with my husband a year ago and we bearly got married a month ago. but 2 months before that he lost his job so we had to move in with my inlaws. its been almost 3 months and he still hasnt found a job. it doesnt seem like he wants to. He bearly helps me with the baby, he doesnt help me clean up. He has a drinking problem that i can't stand. and his excuse for that is that he is sorry he lost his job and that i dont understand. we bearly have enough to pay our bills. all he does all day is watch tv. i've told him that i was going to look for a job, but he says no no no i will. but still nothing. i love him so much but i'm tired of all this. i dont want to leave him i want to work it out. but what do i say how should i say it??? if i get close to getting on him for something he turns it around and gets mad and walks out. i'm scared to say things that bother me. i know he loves me but he's not showing me. i spent a couple days at my friends house and came back the room was still dirty. He had 4 days to do something. he didnt even take out the trash!!!!! and yesterday i started cleaning and he was saying '' i'll do it i promise" i dont know anyone out there have any good advice on how to handle this?????????????? panchita Link to post Share on other sites
jenny Posted September 4, 2003 Share Posted September 4, 2003 hey honey, first, lots of hugs and support out to you right now. it sounds like you could use a friend. ok, the next thing we should do is organize your thoughts. here are the problems as I understand them. 1. you love this man, you have a child with him, and you would rather not leave him. 2. the situation is bad and increasingly intolerable. here are the problems, in what i see as logical order: a. his depression// possible drinking problem. it sounds like this is your first priority - other problems, such as lack of money and household help, and not getting a new job, probably stem from this one. here is the thing - you might not be able to change him. you can only change your own behaviour and hope he follows. the approach you are taking now is frankly quite destructive. if you focus on this one problem, it might be easier to approach the situation. if he is an alcoholic, he will probably be quite defensive about the habit, so perhaps you can approach him this way: *say you think he has been upset and possibly medically depressed since losing his job. *say you can understand that because a man's job is very much 'who he is' in our culture. suggest that it might be particularly difficult for a smart and talented man not to be able to work. *use only 'I' statements from here on out - mention that you are getting depressed and overwhlemed by the amount you have to do. DO NOT blame him. *say the relationship is very important to you, and you would like to improve your lives together by bringing in more money. explain that your cleaning and desire to get a job is not aggressive, you just want to make things better for both of you. it is no comment on him if you work and clean. *offer to do anything you can for him to bring him out of this funk - i.e. take him to the doctor for anti-depressants, cook energizing meals, prepare his resume, anything that might get his enthusiasm for life back. 3. prepare yourself to know that you might have to leave this man eventually. start taking steps mentally. i'm usually an advocate of sticking by a man when he's down, but a mother has more important considerations. more hugs and much suppport, j Link to post Share on other sites
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