Years since my last relationship: I find it difficult to connect with anyone

[d.stevens]

Ok, granted I've been through a lot in the past number of years, and do realize this. However I have not been consciously dragging the baggage along with me either. I guess I'm looking to see if this is an understandable amount of time given my circumstances. Just that so much time has passed, I don't want to begin wondering about myself lol.

 

Here's the deal. I'm now 30 and the last meaningful relationship (sexual) that I was involved in was when I was 21. Now here are some things I've dealt with. A number of things happened way back...a series of challenges I guess that you could just unfortunately call apart of life. I had a serious girlfriend for a couple years just before college. Not long after I began college we broke up.(just mainly grew apart and the distance thing etc.) Well, here's the first big blow. I was the typical athletics type in excellent shape. I was then diagnosed with a form of cancer. Obviously I had to drop out of school to deal with it. I survived as you can tell. I then met a fantastic girl after my treatments finished. I was with her after this health issue stuff, and that relationship ended at age 21. (she moved away and we saw many things differently at that point) Since that time my father passed away from cancer too.(different type)

 

Now there's been a lot of time for me to get over these issues and deal with them. Not much can shake me now I figure lol. What I've found is that I'm a lot more mature and had to grow up pretty fast. I've also had to deal with digging myself out of debt and work my tail off. I've wanted to return to school to perhaps even pursue a science undergrad with hopes of med school as a grad degree. Now this hasn't left much time for relationships or even anything casual.

 

I've since returned to the gym and am a personal trainer too, I'm pretty social despite my busy schedule. I'm humble and people wouldn't know about my circumstances unless something came up in casual conversation etc.(something I never dwell on or even mention myself)

 

I just find it difficult to connect with anyone on a mental level and find it harder to spend much time on petty things. Now I'm not sure if my experiences have changed my outlook to the point where it affects my relationships or what.

 

I feel I'm ready for a relationship and would certainly enjoy those feelings again. I hope she's just around the corner.

 

Should I begin to feel concerned about the amount of time that’s passed, primarily how healthy this is relationship wise???

[2SidestoStories]

From the sound of it you have yourself quite well sorted out. This is a rather wild assumption, granted, and based only on what you have posted here. I feel for you, knowing two cancer survivors myself. One of my best friends, in fact, is a survivor of bone cancer in her femur that she developed when she was 11. She's now 24 and has been in remission for eight years.

 

She is one of those people who has a lovely dynamic in her life: she has always had several boyfriends throughout the time I've known her because she is very cute, very outgoing and sociable, and extremely approachable...at first. The reason there have been many is as a result of the bubbly personality only going so far; she means business. It sounds as though you have a similar approach to things.

 

I have a great deal of respect for my dear friend in terms of her determination and survival and her no bullsh*t attitude. However, I have never understood why she allows herself to "go through" men as though they're going out of style. She has had four very long term relationships (three plus years a piece) since I've known her, but has cheated on every one of the steadies.

 

I tell you this because, and again I may be assuming here, you seem to have put yourself in a mindset that you aren't looking for anything not serious, and you don't have time for the games. I respect that. I myself prefer a much more straightforward approach to life, frankly! Games are all well and good, so long as everyone involved is a willing participant, ie. organized sports and such. Or strip poker, for that matter! Or other things we won't discuss in context of this post since they really have no place

 

What I am trying to convey is not to worry. Live your life to the fullest, and don't get bogged down in your search. Start asking ladies who might peak your interest out, and see what comes of it, perhaps. Don't expect a relationship to fall into your lap, because that is not (often) the way it happens. Hollywood would love to have you believe it, though, wouldn't they?

 

Best of luck to you.

[moimeme]

I think that it is great that you have spent that much time with you. You won't cling to someone for fear of being alone. You have worked on knowing yourself - that is a great gift to be able to bestow on someone.

 

You're right - you won't enjoy superficial relationships. It'll be more of a challenge to find someone but it can be done. You could try taking classes or joining clubs that might attract people more to your liking. And good luck to you.

[d.stevens]

~ 2SidestoStories

 

 

Let me first thank you for your kind words. Also, what you bring up here is interesting to me. I do relate in different ways. In fact I have, in the past, given great thought to your point regarding my "serious" mind set. Whether or not, what I'm looking for is too over the top. It used to really plague me and twist my thoughts around. Recently I've come to recognize its possible confinement. Aside from the physical struggles, there's been an equally difficult mental component. To be honest... despite now, allowing a lot to roll off my back ...helping to center myself. It'll likely still require that certain bond to open that emotional door completely. I will however do as you've suggested and live my life to the fullest. (Everybody can afford to play some strip poker ) My hopes are that you live life to the fullest and play a hand or two also

 

I truly wish the best for your friend. I'll bet it has not only emotionally taxed her, but also her family and close friends. My situation involved leukemia. What a learning curve indeed, heck, I had never heard of it before I was diagnosed! I just recently crested over the 11year remission mark. I think I will always enjoy the little "simple" things in life as a result.

 

 

~moimeme

 

I thank you for your perspective too. It's very true that every day I'm "coming" to grips with who I am (life's a journey, not a destination) and can definitely live with myself. I can only imagine that it's a good first step ultimately in the ability to live with someone else in the long haul.

 

Just saw your location under your name. Interestingly I was visiting BC a couple of weeks ago. I initially went to go mountain climbing and enjoy everything offered there (the trip was booked long ago). However after seeing the fire damage in Kelowna and seeing a fire breakout first hand near Osoyoos, specifically near OK falls suring the visit. No mountains in BC were really an option. Instead I climbed in western Alberta. I did get some great pictures while on the summit of one. Beautiful place!

 

Anyway thanks to you both:

 

I was getting a little concerned about the timing of a meaningful relationship as it’s been some time now lol. Granted, there have been a couple of times in the past years where sexual situations have arisen. I didn't feel a compelling connection and did pass up on them. Quite honestly, later on a selfish part of me struggled with the decisions. After all it's been a while right? lol Everything else was ready to go though lol.

 

Anywho, I certainly appreciate the input. I guess I'm looking for a lasting, mind and body experience together. I’ll be sure to keep things light and have some fun too.

[goforit]

Hi,

You sound like a decent guy! Anyhow, I think that your life experiences have been pretty intense up to now, but you also have to realize that EVERYONE who's 30 will have lots of hard stuff from their past, we all go through our own personal troubles. Maybe you can join some more social groups or volunteer with recovering cancer patients, I'm sure they'd appreciate talking with someone who's been through it. Also, as for the physical stuff, don't sweat it, I personally regret everytime I don't have um fun with someone, because you know, life is short & as you age these opportunites lessen! Also, you have to realize that it takes some time to really get to know someone, so don't dismiss people without giving them a few weeks, who knows you might have more in common than you think, a lot of people appear bubbly, and light outwardly, but their inner life might match yours. There have been soo many times I've misjudged people, outwardly decent people can be the worst betrayers whereas the people who show some bad traits can turn out to be the most loyal. Life isn't simple or clear-cut, neither are people. Also, let people in your life who know you well know that you are looking for a significant other, maybe they can set you up with someone. It seems like you're defeating yourself with an image of a perfect relationship, these don't exist, all relationships take tonnes of work & compromise. You seem to have a lot to offer, dont' be scared of relationships, good luck.

[2SidestoStories]

I've had nowhere near the personal strife that someone who is dealing with a terminal illness has had, but I have had a fair share of bizarreness and difficulty. For example, see my super dramatic posts from even just a few months ago concerning my now-nearly-ex husband (The threads began with one entitled "My Wife and I." And since then, I've been the one to post here regularly. Just have to love this community!)

 

What I have come to realize is that life is life, no matter what your perception of it is: it is almost to the point where I feel that there is really no such thing as "good" and "bad" or rather, that there is nothing so simply black or white as that. It's more like a big huge blur of grays that can all be interpreted entirely differently by each individual. When you can make the conscious decision to let things roll off your back, can you not also allow those things that roll off your back to provide you with some minor lesson? What I am trying to say is that life is life; it is full of experiences; each experience we have, from the simple act of reaching down to pick a penny up off the ground (and perhaps in that time managing to duck beneath the couple of maintainence guys carrying a ladder into the gym to change out a burned out flourescent light) to going through the most horrific and adverse blows like disease or abuse, there is always something to be had. There is always knowledge. Sometimes, we are lucky enough that someone is willing to hand us a bit of a lesson; sometimes we have to approach every day with the attitude of "What am I going to learn today?" in a nicely cheesy AfterSchoolSpecial sort of way.

 

What is most amazing to me in life is the connections that people can make with one another. I have always been one of those people who can walk into a roomful of strangers and walk out with a roomful of new friends, even if I never see these folks again.

 

Maybe ultimately living life to the fullest is not only learning what life is offering to teach us, but also appreciating the fact that we are here to learn.

 

Uh oh. Someone must've smacked me with the profound-stick. Better go find someone to play strip poker with, quick!

[Helly]

Hello d

Strip-poker sounds like an excellent idea!

 

I'm about the same age as you and, although I can only imagine what you've been through dealing with your illness, the loss of your father and the financial difficulties, I agree with the other posters here that, at our age, many, many of our contemporaries have "baggage" - that's life and it's not something to feel should hold us back.

 

I don't want to sound trite nor dismiss the pain you've experienced, but I heard a wonderful saying the other day: "A calm sea never made a great mariner". I love that saying because it's so often true that those who've survived the stormiest, most testing situations really do seem to become the strongest and best skilled at dealing with life. I hope you feel some pride in what you've survived.

[d.stevens]

~ 2SidestoStories

 

YES!, I believe your exactly right about perception! For example, I remember the day I started to break down the meaning of the word "truth". What is truth and what isn't? Many people can witness/experience a certain event, and yet, they all can come up with different description of what they believe to be the truth...So who's lying lol? It's all perceptions and our interpretations of meaning and there's many areas to which this applies. What may be to one, isn't to another. Phew we..*a quick look around to see if I'm being called a quack <joking> lol* Anyway,

 

I've had many questions (and still do) regarding this topic of "perception". I've gone so far as to discuss the subject in great detail with a number of individuals including; a friend that’s a university prof... to doctors (specifically, oncologists that deal with such extremes as death on a daily basis) to even what the majority would consider the less fortunate. They've all had great perceptions of perception lol. Most intriguing to say the least.

 

I also read the thread that you outlined above. What a situation indeed. I have some thoughts pertaining to "some" things on both sides. Except a lot would be nothing more than an opinion. So I won’t spew my ignorance. Only the one relationship of mine weaved down that crazy road where both were drastically going off into two different directions. Some truly awful things happened (that I didn't mention or even wish to touch on) before we finally reached a decision. We both shared a strong personality style, something I didn't recognize or know anything about until much later. Combining that with patterns of immaturity and a destructive flair for not letting go, it ultimately turned into a emotional game of "dangerously out doing the another". It was quit the competition lol.

 

 

I don't know to what point your at. Even being an optimist. I realize now-a-days that there comes a time to step back and walk the other way.

 

Regardless, here are some books I'd recommend for you two immediately! The both of you working towards some common goals can do wonders. ie: reading books that will help the situation.

~ tip # 1: get a copy for each of you to read on your own, sharing the same book can be a recipe for problems at this point.

~ tip # 2: No pointing blame. Don't read with the intent to label or fix your partner but rather to improve yourself. Don't go.."awh see, if only he/she would do this". The fourth book can be dangerous in that manner.

 

The books are an investment in your future too. I’d suggest reading them in this order.

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His Needs, Her Needs

by:Willard F. Harley Jr.

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Love Busters: Overcoming Habits That Destroy Romantic Love

by:Willard F. Harley Jr.

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The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate

by:Gary D. Chapman

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Positive Personality Profiles: Discover Personality Insights to Understand Yourself and Others

by:Robert A. Rohm

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~ Helly

You give some excellent insight. Yes actually my hopes are that the girl will have some baggage too. People don't learn when things always go their way. You learn from mistakes and challenging times as you too point out.

 

In many ways I feel it’s the best thing that’s happened to me. Except I’d question whether I’d do it twice lol