Spending the weekend with a friend...

[JazzDevil]

Well, first things first: I'm a 28 year old, separated European man, and I'm new to this forum.

I haven't had much luck with women, but I blame that on my being dumb...

 

Anyway, about this specific topic, let me give you some background.

I've met this friend at university, some 10 years ago. Me and her were good friends, even if she wasn't always reachable (let's just say that she doesn't always answer to cell phone calls or text, but she acts like this towards everybody, and her family situation might help to explain it. But I digress...).

We had the majority of classes together, and we hang out pretty frequently. Bars, discos, movies, and the occasional going out for dinner.

 

In the beginning I began to develop something for her, but her signs were...confusing. She didn't seem to be interested. Nothing happened.

 

Fast forward two years: we continued to hang out. It was around this time that I noticed a few somewhat obvious moves from her. For example, when we went to the movies and had dinner afterwards. I walked her home and she asked me if I wanted to get in, to which I replied yes.

Once at her place, she became quite nervous. Sitting on the couch next to me then moving away, nervously asking me if I wanted something to drink but the next moment saying that it wasn't a good idea, that she shouldn't, etc. Again, nothing happened. I should definitely have made a move.

 

May 2004: in an amazing coincidence, it was the day when I met my ex-wife.

I had planned to go see a concert with some friends, and this girl I've been talking about was one of them.

We ended up going to the concert alone. During our walk to the place she put her arm around me, claiming that she did it because it was cold. I responded accordingly. Once we got there, the entrance was crowded, and she held my hand so that we wouldn't get separated by the crowd. We spent the entire night holding hands or with our arms around each other, and, well, damned be my idiocy, nothing happened. When we said goodbye, she said something along the lines of "beware of trips to (city where my ex-wife lived)". She had a sad smile when she said this. So yeah, that meant something.

 

After that we graduated (in that same year) and didn't see each other for quite some time.

One year and a half later I invited her to my wedding. She said she'd be there but never went. Later I found out that she had severe family issues at the time, which probably explained her absence.

During all this time getting in touch with her was, as always, difficult.

 

I saw her again May this year. For professional reasons I had to spend two weeks in the city where she lived, so I asked her out for dinner.

She didn't answer on the same day, but we did go out for dinner. It was a great evening. We talked a lot, she told me a lot of what had happened to her all that time, etc. Curiously enough, when I met her that day the first thing she did was to look at my left hand and when she saw the wedding ring she said something like "you still wear that thing?". At this time, my marriage was already a sinking boat (NOTE: my separation had nothing to do with this girl, or any other person, for that matter).

She had to wake up extremely early the day after, so the evening ended before midnight.

I told her to keep in touch this time, to which she replied that it would be easier to reach her by e-mail.

 

And easier it is indeed. We've been e-mailing each other about 7 or 8 times a week, talking about everything and nothing.

 

A few months later I was back at the same city and invited her again. She said that we should set something for a few days later, but never happened. She didn't answer to my e-mails or text. Later she told me she had been sick that week, and didn't even go to work.

 

The e-mails became slightly more frequent when I told her I was getting divorced.

During one of our e-mail exchanges I kind of asked her to come to visit.

She replied something like "I don't know about (my city), but I really need to a weekend out to get some well deserved rest". At this point I tell her that I was thinking the same thing,and we eventually set things up for spending a weekend together.

 

Another bit of info, that might or might not be relevant: the place where we'll be spending the weekend is 100 kms (about 60 miles) south from my city and 80 kms (about 50 miles) north from her city.

I suggested picking her up, as I saw no point in each of us driving his/her car. At first she didn't think it was a good idea, as it would make me drive a lot more than necessary. But then she ended up agreeing, so I'm picking her up tomorrow and driving her back home sunday night.

 

And this is where I'm standing right now. The said weekend is tomorrow, and honestly I can't quite figure out what to expect. Will this be a huge chance to get whatever it is I have with her to go somewhere, or a plain and simple weekend out with a good friend?

 

I probably shouldn't have these many doubts. But the fact is that I don't have a lot of experience with women and my marriage was a train wreck, so I'm quite insecure.

 

Any input, opinions, tips, etc.. would be more than welcome.

 

Sorry for the huge text and thank you for your time.

 

P.S. Sorry for my English, but I'm not a native speaker.

[UnamedSeven]

Well, its common to have doubts. Its a sign that your considering "everything" and the things that matter. Anyway, Depending on what you do with her for the weekend, its up to you to decide if this is the chance. If its like, a movie and dinner etc, then i think that you should be Bold and get into a conversation of the Past. Try and tell her how you felt a long time ago while adding that you still feel the same way. You don't get too many chances at this, especially in your case.

 

Whatever it is that you do with her over this weekend, i would highly suggest taking the risk and do what you feel is right.

[JazzDevil]

Thanks for your reply.

 

The weekend is over. We spent the weekend at a beautiful, peaceful, Middle Ages-like village in my country.

We stayed in the same room, each in his/her own bed, though.

 

Well, each time I tried to start a conversation that might lead to something, or whenever I tried to get closer, she skillfully and elegantly "sidestepped" the situation.

I decided it might be wise to read the (apparently obvious) signs and not to force things. Which means that it was only a good, fun weekend with a good friend.

 

The thing is, I am attracted to her. A lot.

She's coming to my town early next month. Should I just drop it and try to forget any chance whatsoever I might have with her and just be friends with her, or should I take a direct approach and just say it, and talk about everything that happened a few years ago? I mean, to try and understand what it all meant?

 

I could really use some guidance here. I can't stop thinking about her, and feel that I wasted a golden chance this weekend. Thanks in advance.

[casanovacorner]

I'll tell you a thing or two about women that they won't tell you, and most of them don't even know. Women want a nice guy that cares for them, but some of them are self destructive and will reject a nice guy that is shy and not good at expressing himself.

 

If you were a confident a-hole, you'd have a shot. As it stands right now, you need to work on your confidence. While I'm not here to promote my blog, you might want to check out Part 1 of Seven Week Casanova - the link is in my signature. You might even want to subscribe.

 

The hard part is just saying it, so write her a letter if you have to, and give it to her. That way, you can articulate your words without there being that awkward reaching for words that happens when you don't know what to say. You have plenty of time to write down what you feel.

 

If she's coming to your house, and you can afford it, buy a red light bulb, a nice jazz cd, cook dinner (if you know how), or take her out to eat. Spray your house with Lavender, and wear some Cool Water cologne. Buy a bottle of Corbel and a champagne bucket and fill it with ice.

 

Total Cost:

 

Cool Water (small) $15

Corbel $10

Ice Bucket $10

Dinner $50

Lavender Spray $2

Rose Petals $5

 

Total Cost $92

 

If you pull it off, it will be worth the $92 you spend. If not, at least you tried, and we can't do much more than that. Oh, and if you go to dinner, pick her up first and go to your house last. Don't try to discuss it or give her the letter at dinner. Just be patient, and have fun. Even if you don't give her the letter, the entire night will let her know clearly how you feel.

[JazzDevil]

Thanks for the tips.

 

Well, going for a romantic setting should work, I suppose.

The thing is, I actually tried that yesterday - in a way. She picked the place to have dinner (in a pretty random way, cause we hardly knew the village I mentioned earlier).

It turned out to be a a great looking restaurant, and the first floor (where we dined) had this cosy, kind of romantic thing going on - candles on the tables, most of them lit, soft lounge/jazzy music in the background, the works.

We happened to sit on a table with a non-lit candle. When I moved to light it, she said she'd rather not, because she disliked the smell of wax. If this was true or a "hint" for me to not try and be romantic, I couldn't tell.

 

The letter might be a good idea, but she might perceive it as some kind of pressure. I mean, she has to know I have feelings for her. She must have seen the signs, because I was having a hard time to control them. The only thing I didn't do was to just say it out loud.

 

Today we spent the day at a nearby, seaside village. We visited a museum (she loves that stuff), had a great lunch, and I suggested that we went to this cape with an amazing view afterwards. She agreed, but asked me if I could take her home after going to the cape, as she had a lot of stuff to do back home - which she did, actually.

During the drive towards the cape (always by the sea, with an awesome landscape), I drove slowly, to enjoy the view. She joked, saying something like "do you want me to go out and push?". So yeah...not a good sign, I think.

At the cape proper I tried to get closer - casually touching her hand or putting my hand on her waist - but she subtly moved away, pretending she was looking for a better angle to take some pictures of the scenario.

 

Was she playing hard to get? Was she trying to tell me we should just be friends? I really can't tell.

She is coming to my city, and we'll probably spend another weekend away early next year and a full week in London next summer, so that does give me some hope - even if I'm trying not to expect too much to avoid a disappointment.

 

I'm really at a loss here. I don't want to pressure her or smother her, but I really want to be with her. I can't take her out of my head.

Damn...I sound like a teenager!

[Charles1978]

Taking that next step with a "friend" is probably the most difficult move in the book. But it can be done. I was in a situation... basically the friend zone... similar to this. However, the signs were there for me. She had no problem with physical contact. But there was a situation with another girl that poisoned what we could have had at the time. But when that subsided, I began spending a whole lot more time with her. But all in all, she was frustrating me. So for my own sanity, I had to cut off contact. Not that it was my aim, but she changed for the better after that. What also helped was that she asked me what was bothering me and why I had pulled back so much. So I was able to tell her exactly what was bothering me. She responded very positively to me finding my "balls" in the situation. She wants to have a relationship now... but as weird as it is, I'm not sure I do anymore. But the point is that you can indeed transition, but it takes some pretty drastic measures. To me, spending time with her only remided me that I didn't have all of what I wanted with her. It was bothering me, so I had to do something. Going along like all is well just wasn't an option for me, and she responded. You need to find a way of getting your true feelings accross to her... because as I'm sure you know... the current situation is frustrating and emotionally draining. Good luck!

[JazzDevil]

Frustrating and emotionally draining it is indeed!

 

When the weekend was over and we went separate ways, she asked me to give a ring to her cell phone (don't know if this is the right expression - it's when you call someone but only let the phone ring once) so that she would know I had arrived home safe and sound. It would be kind of a long trip for me.

 

Actually, I didn't - I texted her 10 minutes after leaving her (while stuck in a traffic jam), saying it had been a great weekend and that we had to repeat it.

I texted her again when I got home, kind of apologizing for sunday (I wasn't quite myself and kind of had the notion that I hadn't been the best of companies that day).

 

So far, she didn't reply. I know she has an independent personality and that it's quite normal for her to do this, and she loathes cell phones. But if I was feeling frustrated and insecure, this only aggravated things.

 

Taking a shot and just say things loud and clear might have an undesirable effect - things are bad as they are for me, I don't want to risk losing her forever.

So yeah, moving away and lay low for a while does seem like a good idea. I guess I'll leave her be for a few weeks, see how things turn out.

[casanovacorner]

The problem seems to be that you are trying to move too fast and you are sabotaging yourself. If she moves away when you touch her, maybe she's not ready yet, or maybe she is and you make her uncomfortable in the way you do it.

 

You need to play it cool and contain your emotions. If you come across like you're not confident, then you will get rejected almost every time.

 

Another problem is that she asked you to call, but then you text her twice. Bad move. Women love nice/sweet guys, but they don't want to be with the nice/sweet guy. They want the take charge guy that is a nice balance of a jerk, but can be sweet on occasion.

 

Look at Barack Obama. He has swagger and reminds me of Denzel. I'm sure he's pretty damn confident, on the verge of cocky, just by watching his interviews. His wife is in love with him. I've heard women talking about how much they love him and how sexy they think he is.

 

If you want a lesson in swagger and confidence, watch the new President. The most important thing to do is be yourself, but not come on so strong.

[UnamedSeven]

You didn't miss the "golden" opportunity. From what it sounds like, she didn't want to get involved too deeply over just ONE weekend. She may just want to start off slow to get to know you since of how "awkward" it has been. Things can't happen right away. So for now, just play it cool and be her friend.

 

As for the next time she visits, i wouldn't suggest you to stop liking her. If you do this, you will probably not want to be her friend since you like her as more than that, correct? It would be hard to maintain a friendship if you really like her. Not to mention, but the feelings will never go away unless if your able to stop liking her completely. Thats what i'm faced with in my life right now