Nikki Sahagin Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 Obviously at first love is an accident. We FALL in love. We don't plan to. It just happens. But after a while does it become a choice? Right now i'm at a crossroads with my boyfriend. I do still love him but i've realised for me it has kind of become a choice. I either choose to accept that though I love him, he has flaws and to love someone is to go through that even if sometimes you can't bear them - it's constancy. Or to choose that yes I love them but I can't be with them anymore. Do you feel love is a choice? Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 Not to my mind, no. It's a process....ongoing, progressing, always changing, transforming, evolving. It never stays still, and feels different from one day to the next. Less, sometimes..... Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 Love is a VERB. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 No, TO Love is a verb. Love, is a noun. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 To act on love is a choice. Behaviors manifested as a result of love are a choice. The emotion itself (if defined narrowly as an emotion) is not. It is elemental. It can be analyzed, rationalized, therapized and cognitized into something completely different, superficially, but it's still there Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 No, TO Love is a verb. Love, is a noun. Quick! Identify the verb in this sentence: I love you. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 I love. :p Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted November 14, 2008 Author Share Posted November 14, 2008 Quick! Identify the verb in this sentence: I love you. *brains explodes* Link to post Share on other sites
lonelyandfrustrated Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 I love. :p Okay, what's the subject? Do I have to send you to third-grade English and make you diagram that sentence? Love is something that you do, is all I mean. Grammar lesson over. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 Nikki - Love is what you make it. Love is something that happens to everyone, but that is experienced by everyone in a different way. The love I feel for my partner is different to the way others feel their love for theirs. It's not a static state. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 Okay, what's the subject? Do I have to send you to third-grade English and make you diagram that sentence? Love is something that you do, is all I mean. Grammar lesson over. I no. I wuz jes' joshin' ya. Link to post Share on other sites
luvstarved Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 It is a choice in terms of the actions you take. It is less a choice in terms of feelings, but many people are fundamentally incapable of true feelings of love without being whacked upside the head (figuratively) a few times and maybe some years of therapy. Because love is not about lust or what someone else can do to facilitate your happiness. It is an unselfish feeling that wants what is best for the other person...in other words, you have to REALLY CARE about the other person's best interests in order to call it love. This might seem obvious but when I look back on past relationships, I cannot claim to have really felt that as I should have. If you REALLY CARE about the other person then it does not disappear on you, unless that person is abusive or selfish themselves and squeezes it out of you (again, figuratively). That does not mean that you don't get pissed or bored or whatever with them from time to time, but if you really care...that all passes. Feelings of sexual attraction distinguish romantic love from the rest and vive le difference!!! But in the end, if you really love someone, you will feel like they are "family" even after the firiest sparks of passion have ebbed - ie, you don't really consider getting rid of them, ever. If you are with someone on a romantic basis but no longer feel "that way" about them...then chances are you never did that deeply, or they have really let themselves go. If you ever had it, really, you can get it back, in terms of attraction...if you never did, you never will. Because "real sex" is not about a hot body or a risky scenario...it is about connecting with another person. And even though it would not be crazy mad mindblowing stuff when you're getting old as hell - it would be intimate and sublime and satisfying... Hope some of that is helpful. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted November 14, 2008 Share Posted November 14, 2008 Do you feel love is a choice? I think it depends on which phase of love you mean. Are you talking about the initial infatuation and rush during the limerence period? Or the more complex connection that forms over the course of time? To stick with the theme of the thread so far, the former is a noun and the latter is definitely a verb ... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted November 14, 2008 Author Share Posted November 14, 2008 I think it depends on which phase of love you mean. Are you talking about the initial infatuation and rush during the limerence period? Or the more complex connection that forms over the course of time? To stick with the theme of the thread so far, the former is a noun and the latter is definitely a verb ... Mr. Lucky The complex connection that forms over time Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 First off, I personally do not believe falling in love is an accident. I have had the potential to "fall in love" with dozens of people, but I have carefully selected the partners I would allow myself to indulge in the experience with. I am reading a book right now (The Road Less Traveled) that examines the phenomenon of love on a rational level, and it's an interesting point of view. The synthesis of the author's point of view and several other articles and books I have read on "the science of love" is that "falling in love" is not love at all -- it's simply a biological process similar to the development of a drug addiction which promotes mating and tricks people into making a life-long commitment/getting married. Most people, if they wait for this initial euphoric period to wane before considering marriage, will not get married -- this is why if you don't get married relatively quickly, it's less likely to happen the longer you're together. Further, falling OUT of love is inevitable, as this period of addiction to the object of your desire by nature dissolves in time. The author argues that love is "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth," that it is absolutely a choice, that it's action, work, purposeful behavior. Love is an action you choose to take in spite of obstacles, distractions, barriers, etc. I have "fallen in love" three times, and in spite of the mad intensity of our feelings and the insanely passionate sex that resulted, the euphoria always eventually began to wane. My body was screaming out the message to mate with this man for the purpose of procreation. Once the intense mating period ended and the body's biological imperative should have been satisfied (wasn't actually, due to birth control), the addiction faded. Once that initial rush is over, that's when actual love can begin -- until then, it's really just an indulgence in a chemical high. Most people, once the high ends, will seek another fix from another source -- outside sexual activity, drugs, thrill seeking, extreme porn, whatever. Now, this is just one book of many I am reading right now, during a soul-searching and personal growth stage, but a lot of it resonates for me. What I personally have always aspired to in love is to fall in love (the crazy fun chemical addiction phase), then enjoy a long-term harmonious relationship with occasional (as frequent as possible) revisitation of that initial passion. I think I have approached achieving that, but I don't think I have been selective enough in terms of overall compatibility. However, each of my relationships has absolutely helped me and my partner to grow in numerous ways, so I think each of them has had its value. As for your situation, I think it might be helpful to ask yourself if the relationship is helping both of you to grow in the direction you want. Is it adding the sort of meaning and value that you want in your life? Do you feel that it is helping you become the person you want to be? Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 Obviously at first love is an accident. We FALL in love. We don't plan to. It just happens. But after a while does it become a choice? Right now i'm at a crossroads with my boyfriend. I do still love him but i've realised for me it has kind of become a choice. I either choose to accept that though I love him, he has flaws and to love someone is to go through that even if sometimes you can't bear them - it's constancy. Or to choose that yes I love them but I can't be with them anymore. Do you feel love is a choice? Love is totally a choice. I also agree it's a biological process. Consider this. Let's pretend your body craves cocaine. Are people capable of controlling this craving? Also, not everyone has tried cocaine or automatically gets addicted. Why and why not? Link to post Share on other sites
axisdenied Posted November 23, 2008 Share Posted November 23, 2008 I am reading a book right now (The Road Less Traveled) that examines the phenomenon of love on a rational level, and it's an interesting point of view. The synthesis of the author's point of view and several other articles and books I have read on "the science of love" is that "falling in love" is not love at all -- it's simply a biological process similar to the development of a drug addiction which promotes mating and tricks people into making a life-long commitment/getting married. Most people, if they wait for this initial euphoric period to wane before considering marriage, will not get married -- this is why if you don't get married relatively quickly, it's less likely to happen the longer you're together. This is a fantastic response. It really does depend on your definition of love. I think that love can be handled rationally on all levels including the infatuation period leading up to love. But that's a personality preference -I can't be infatuated with somebody I don't actively choose to pay attention to. On the subject of those emotional reflexes at the beginning of a relationship, seriously, are those really love? I think not. Consider not just the warm, fuzzy, all-consuming drive you'll feel but other "reflex" feelings like jealousy, possessiveness, obsession, depression when the object of affection isn't paying enough attention. Those are your brain chemistry imposing selfish demands on another person and live nowhere close to love. I think the culturally-accepted definition (western society) of "falling in love" needs a revision. If you really want to know how your mind understands and explains the answer to that question, maybe ask yourself if you believe you can help loving your parents or any other member of your family. It might be easier to look at it from that angle since you won't have so much of that biological imperative nonsense muddling the thought process. I have one estranged parent and one amazing parent. I know which of the two of them I love. Link to post Share on other sites
LovieDove24 Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 My love "mentor" aka my best friend's mom, has given me such great advice regarding long term relationships. She has been married for 32 years and makes it look so easy. Anyways, she actually talked to me the other day about this exact same thing. She believes love is a choice. Her reason being that when times get rough you have to CHOOSE to love your partner and see it through the dark times. Once you are in the light again and things arent so rocky, you will see why you held on and it will no longer be a choice....it will just BE. Link to post Share on other sites
Geishawhelk Posted November 24, 2008 Share Posted November 24, 2008 I've been thinking about this..... I don't think 'Love' is a choice - I think our responding - or otherwise - is a choice. Sex is definitely a choice, though. Link to post Share on other sites
rble618740 Posted December 30, 2008 Share Posted December 30, 2008 Sometimes love is a feeling, sometimes love is a choice. I would say the "choice" part is what sustains a marriage. It's choosing to love someone when you don't feel like it. I absolutely love my husband, though we have difficulties at times. I expected, however, when I married him that there would be days I would rather not be his wife. That was true. Not in a terrible way, but just - "today he's on my nerves and I wish I lived alone" days. On those days, love is a choice. I choose to kiss him in the morning, I choose to speak kind words to him during the day, I choose to do loving things for him despite my "feelings" on that particular day (which, incidentally, are all about me and not about him). If we made decisions based on emotion, our decisions would be constantly changing. I don't know many people who have control of their emotions. In fact, I would say that most people I know exercise LITTLE control over their emotions and then let those out-of-control emotions dictate major life decisions. This breeds chaos. It's a combination. Love is a feeling and a choice, depending on the day. Hopefully, it's a lot more feeling and less choice - but marriages - like life - has seasons. Sometimes...it's more choice than feeling. Link to post Share on other sites
laurie1027 Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 could you contact me at some point...your situation really hit home with me- i am about to be separated from someone I adored very much- but we have had a really rough relationship- really really rough over last month and a half....I would love your thoughts- something about your message just really struck me! thanks shannon north carolina also [email protected] Link to post Share on other sites
laurie1027 Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 [sIZE=5][COLOR=#660000]rble618740[/COLOR][/sIZE] could you contact me at some point...your situation really hit home with me- i am about to be separated from someone I adored very much- but we have had a really rough relationship- really really rough over last month and a half....I would love your thoughts- something about your message just really struck me! Or if anyone else had any ideas....he is a Marine- very poor in communication and expressing his feelings- has anger issues (usually toward work)- we had a rough string of holidays and when he didn't do anything for me for Xmas I interpreted it as his not caring- I lost grip. Got really enraged and told him I wanted a divorce and many other mean, hurtful things for almost 2 days. Not to make excuses, but I had a really really stressful year (moved here so we could be together and things didn't work out very smoothly in the job realm, he was going to be deployed, we got married in October, buying a house, etc). I leaned really heavily on him. Now we have seen a marriage counselor a few times- but his family is unfortunately very involved and urging him to get out - they have said some pretty horrible things- that I know of- and God only knows what I don't know about. He calls them often in the middle of our fights- he runs away and doesn't come back for long periods of time- when we are really fighting that is. I thought it was just communication problems, both of us having tempers and his family getting too involved (his main support system)- but now we have both said even more horrible terrible things. We have also, I fear, gotten into some bad habits (not getting out to do enough things together, etc). Now he just says he wants to be done (and I've said the same thing)- "can't get divorced fast enough". He calls me crazy- I say he has no integrity....I think he's not stood up for me in front of his family.... Is this just beyond any slice of hope? He has really shut me out at this point. Thanks for reading Shannon Link to post Share on other sites
clv0116 Posted February 4, 2009 Share Posted February 4, 2009 Love is a weak word in English because it has taken on so many different shades of meaning. Some other languages recognize more explicitly that there are many types of love and provide distinctive words for better distinction between those different types. I love my dad and mom. I love my bothers and sisters. I love a few close friends. The tenderness a man feels for a woman is a very specific emotion, and I don't think there's a lot of choice that goes into that. The desire a man feels to be intimate with a woman is another aspect and it's also pretty hardwired into us. Whether or not to ACT on those emotions is a choice. A lot more has to go into a successful long term pair bond (marriage, LTR, whatever) than just that erotic love that draws people together. They have to become friends and they also have to have a sort of self sacrificing love for the other where they are willing, even eager, to do whatever is best for the other person rather than look for their own interests first. That sort of love is almost completely cultivated and is what is often lacking in the relationships between 'me' generation people of today. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted February 5, 2009 Share Posted February 5, 2009 A lot more has to go into a successful long term pair bond (marriage, LTR, whatever) than just that erotic love that draws people together. They have to become friends and they also have to have a sort of self sacrificing love for the other where they are willing, even eager, to do whatever is best for the other person rather than look for their own interests first. That sort of love is almost completely cultivated and is what is often lacking in the relationships between 'me' generation people of today.From my perspective, the boomers don't have much of a lock on it either. I wonder who raised the "me" generation? IMO, socialization is so important to the psychology of the emotion and how and when we choose to act upon it. I can look back upon a long life and see the impact of the smallest of impressions made, even prior to memories of my life. The little boy on the tricycle was learning to love in a very specific and unique way even before he learned how to ride that contraption. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Nikki Sahagin Posted February 5, 2009 Author Share Posted February 5, 2009 [sIZE=5][COLOR=#660000]rble618740[/COLOR][/sIZE] could you contact me at some point...your situation really hit home with me- i am about to be separated from someone I adored very much- but we have had a really rough relationship- really really rough over last month and a half....I would love your thoughts- something about your message just really struck me! Or if anyone else had any ideas....he is a Marine- very poor in communication and expressing his feelings- has anger issues (usually toward work)- we had a rough string of holidays and when he didn't do anything for me for Xmas I interpreted it as his not caring- I lost grip. Got really enraged and told him I wanted a divorce and many other mean, hurtful things for almost 2 days. Not to make excuses, but I had a really really stressful year (moved here so we could be together and things didn't work out very smoothly in the job realm, he was going to be deployed, we got married in October, buying a house, etc). I leaned really heavily on him. Now we have seen a marriage counselor a few times- but his family is unfortunately very involved and urging him to get out - they have said some pretty horrible things- that I know of- and God only knows what I don't know about. He calls them often in the middle of our fights- he runs away and doesn't come back for long periods of time- when we are really fighting that is. I thought it was just communication problems, both of us having tempers and his family getting too involved (his main support system)- but now we have both said even more horrible terrible things. We have also, I fear, gotten into some bad habits (not getting out to do enough things together, etc). Now he just says he wants to be done (and I've said the same thing)- "can't get divorced fast enough". He calls me crazy- I say he has no integrity....I think he's not stood up for me in front of his family.... Is this just beyond any slice of hope? He has really shut me out at this point. Thanks for reading Shannon Hi! If this was intended for me, please PM me! Link to post Share on other sites
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