Do you feel scarred for life because of ex?

[ioncebelieved]

Just something I have been pondering as of late. I am healing and have finally gotten my head and heart in agreeance. But the thing I wonder now is just how scarred for life I will be as I still heal? I took this whole experience very hard and even broke NC a few times as well, just as many on LS have.

 

I am not saying that I will not be able to love again, just how much eternal damage was done? That is thing that exs do not see...The aftermath.

 

Anyone ever think about that?

 

Honestly, I refuse to drag around too much past hurt, but nonetheless, it is there and will be for quite some time.

[lofi_tokyo]

I think scarring in any kind of relationship - romantic, familial, whatever - depends largely on the person and how much they let the relationship effect them.

 

For instance, I know people who were beat by a parent, myself included. Some live very normal lives, they have bad memories, but the memories are not really a deep scar so much as a painful twang that comes back when something reminds them of the past. For others, like myself (though I think I'm getting better), being beaten has scarred me. But... all scars fade over time. I think thats the case with even really emotionally damaging relationships. Some people's scars heal quickly, other people's heal slowly. A large part of the healing I think depends on how much the individual actively decides to heal. If you let yourself think you'll be scared beyond repair, then that will probably be the case. If you can teach yourself to not forget, but not let things haunt you, then they probably wont.

 

Its complicated to say the least.

 

As for me... will I be scared by my ex? No, I don't think so! A fear I could have in future relationships would plausibly be my man leaving me for another woman. Well, yeah, it could happen, but I think in the future I'll be able to dump the guy longggg before he gets to the stage of having a new girl set up. I've grown wiser with regards to relationships. I cannot control people's actions, but I can control where I draw the line. You know?

 

I hope this helped in some way. Don't let yourself be too scared! I know the pain is unbearable at times, but you will, if you let yourself, be okay.

[ioncebelieved]

I think scarring in any kind of relationship - romantic, familial, whatever - depends largely on the person and how much they let the relationship effect them.

 

For instance, I know people who were beat by a parent, myself included. Some live very normal lives, they have bad memories, but the memories are not really a deep scar so much as a painful twang that comes back when something reminds them of the past. For others, like myself (though I think I'm getting better), being beaten has scarred me. But... all scars fade over time. I think thats the case with even really emotionally damaging relationships. Some people's scars heal quickly, other people's heal slowly. A large part of the healing I think depends on how much the individual actively decides to heal. If you let yourself think you'll be scared beyond repair, then that will probably be the case. If you can teach yourself to not forget, but not let things haunt you, then they probably wont.

 

Its complicated to say the least.

 

As for me... will I be scared by my ex? No, I don't think so! A fear I could have in future relationships would plausibly be my man leaving me for another woman. Well, yeah, it could happen, but I think in the future I'll be able to dump the guy longggg before he gets to the stage of having a new girl set up. I've grown wiser with regards to relationships. I cannot control people's actions, but I can control where I draw the line. You know?

 

I hope this helped in some way. Don't let yourself be too scared! I know the pain is unbearable at times, but you will, if you let yourself, be okay.

 

Knowing where to draw line has become very important to me and I know exactly what you are talking about. Red flags start popping up, I will bail much sooner now!!!

[Island Girl]

I have been contacted by several exes over the years. Some more than a decade later. I guess they were looking for closure or that the relationship meant something to me too.

[ioncebelieved]

I have been contacted by several exes over the years. Some more than a decade later. I guess they were looking for closure or that the relationship meant something to me too.

That is important to me as well with my ex. How it ended makes me question did it mean something? Then I tell myself, must not of meant too much to let a good thing slip away even though it was kind of mutual.

[Angel1111]

I cannot control people's actions, but I can control where I draw the line. You know?

 

You seem like a jewel of a person and your parents didn't deserve you. As you say, you cannot control other people. There are a lot of abusive people out there but that doesn't mean you have to allow them into any part of your life. You deserve way better than that. And you can change your family tree, you can change where things go from here.

[WhenWillSheLearn]

I do feel scarred, but it's more of a protective scar, one to prevent myself from being hurt by the same behavior again. I don't think I ever felt as able to walk away from someone as I do with this most recent break-up. He has issues too, it's not all about me. And it took the last heartache to teach me that. Scars are there to protect vulnerable injuries...that's all they are and that's all I will allow them to be.

[ioncebelieved]

I do feel scarred, but it's more of a protective scar, one to prevent myself from being hurt by the same behavior again. I don't think I ever felt as able to walk away from someone as I do with this most recent break-up. He has issues too, it's not all about me. And it took the last heartache to teach me that. Scars are there to protect vulnerable injuries...that's all they are and that's all I will allow them to be.

 

Welcome to LS!! I like your answer and I would buy it for a dollar. As a matter of fact, I think that I could say that for myself. The last relationship taught me a lot, but more importantly it taught me about myself. What is the old adage, "schooling is not cheap?" That rings true for me!

[MichiganMan222]

I do feel scarred, but it's more of a protective scar, one to prevent myself from being hurt by the same behavior again. I don't think I ever felt as able to walk away from someone as I do with this most recent break-up. He has issues too, it's not all about me. And it took the last heartache to teach me that. Scars are there to protect vulnerable injuries...that's all they are and that's all I will allow them to be.

 

I agree with this. In fact, I wouldn't even call it a scar. Its more like a callus LOL

[gd26]

I think there can certainly be hidden wounds from the past. For example, this summer I got very close to a man who was very interested in me in the beginning and then ran away after I developed feelings for him in return (and I openly expressed those feelings to him). After he left, I was in significant pain, which really surprised me, as we were only dating and not officially in a relationship. Even though I only knew him a few months, I felt destroyed by it.

 

I realized that my painful reaction was not only about him, but also was affected by my last relationship 4 years ago in which the exact same thing happened. The guy liked me, pursued me for months... we started out as friends, but I developed feelings for him over time. Then when I was ready to be with him in a relationship, he rejected me and started pushing me away (though it was not a clean break, as he would drive by my house and tell me he needed me in his life as a friend, and continue to cuddle up with me etc etc - he kept in infrequent contact when it suited him, which only prolonged my pain).

 

Although I moved on from the previous man 4 years ago, I obviously never healed those wounds of rejection and abandonment. They lie buried. So when I fall for this new man this summer, I become acutely afraid of my own feelings. Then when I honestly tell him how afraid I am of my budding feelings for him (because the last time this happened I was badly burned) - he in turn seems uncomfortable with my emotions, and rejects/abandons me as well as he can't handle emotional women. So I was left gutted once more, from the pain of the new wounds as well as from the old wounds that never properly healed. I was left terrified to fall in love with another man lest he also pursue me only to leave me once I reciprocate the feelings. After a few months of no communication, I am doing much better now emotionally; I'm quite happy with my life and excited about my future - but I still have work to do to heal myself so that I can have a healthy relationship someday.

 

Obviously from my story, just moving off a person is not enough. Those fears, hurts, and traumas should be recognized and dealt with, lest they resurface again in a future relationship.

[frd150]

The ex that prompted my first post asked,no,told me "I really mesed you up didnt I" in her typical matter o fact tone. Whaaaaa? Ok, yeah she did but I told her no and not ever to worry her sweet pretty little head about me:D

 

Yeah Its scary after what we've all been through but any new relationship is scarey as is anything unknown. Ive been on a few dates with three different girls all really sweet. Sorry to dissapoint you ex but your shenanegans are not stopping me.

[Angel1111]

Love your kitty picture, btw.

 

I think all relationships change us, and even the ones that end badly can transform the caterpillar into the butterfly, so to speak. It just depends on what we choose to do with it and how much time has passed, I think.

 

Where I've been blindesided, and possibly irrevocably screwed up, is to learn that love is not a high priority with some people. I mean, it's on the list somewhere, after responsibility and kids and money - and who knows what else. I'm somewhat astounded by that and I have put walls up - not because a bad relationship ended (that wouldn't be surprising at all, would it?) - but because a great relationship turned out to mean nothing.

 

So I find myself asking what any of it means. If love has no meaning, if so many other things are more important than that, what does it matter? Maybe it sounds naive but it's a tough one for me to get past. It's like being handed the codes to launch all the missles in the U.S. - it's a piece of information that I don't know what to do with, and having it scares the hell out of me.

[ioncebelieved]

Love your kitty picture, btw.

 

I think all relationships change us, and even the ones that end badly can transform the caterpillar into the butterfly, so to speak. It just depends on what we choose to do with it and how much time has passed, I think.

 

Where I've been blindesided, and possibly irrevocably screwed up, is to learn that love is not a high priority with some people. I mean, it's on the list somewhere, after responsibility and kids and money - and who knows what else. I'm somewhat astounded by that and I have put walls up - not because a bad relationship ended (that wouldn't be surprising at all, would it?) - but because a great relationship turned out to mean nothing.

 

So I find myself asking what any of it means. If love has no meaning, if so many other things are more important than that, what does it matter? Maybe it sounds naive but it's a tough one for me to get past. It's like being handed the codes to launch all the missles in the U.S. - it's a piece of information that I don't know what to do with, and having it scares the hell out of me.

Thank you on my kitty (Amber)! Believe it or not, that Maine Coon kitty cat has given more to smile about this year than a lot! I got her last December after my 8 year old cat died almost in my arms when I took her to the vet for breathing problems, that was a precursor of my 2008 year. My sorry ex even said she would get me another cat...another one of her many lies. At least I was able to pick Amber out myself.

 

I really like to think that my ex was in my life for me to see how to really treat that person in my life that means so much. If and when I feel that way about another woman, I will know how to treat her. I was great to my ex, too bad she did not see that.

[Ingenue]

I think we all carry scars from previous relationships, whether we're the dumper or dumpee. You can't not leave a relationship without some sort of footprint.

 

I think gd26 sums it up best: "Obviously from my story, just moving off a person is not enough. Those fears, hurts, and traumas should be recognized and dealt with, lest they resurface again in a future relationship."

 

That is the key to healing. If we do not wholly and properly address those emotional scars, we're destined to repeat the failures that plagued the previous relationship. When my ex dumped me, the immediate aftermath was brutal. I could barely pick myself up off the floor to get dressed. Here was the love of my life that I had been with for 5 years throwing me out like garbage. That's a gaping open wound to have to stitch closed and for the most part, I'm doing well though there are days that seem very bleak. Will those experiences impact my future relationships? Absolutely, I can't deny that I won't look at every man I date and think whether he's X or Y and what he will or will not do. The only thing I can try to do is to put it all in perspective and control whether those scars have a larger impact than they should. I've evaluated my own part in the demise of the relationship and think that I have addressed it. Only time and future relationships will tell.

 

All we can do is try the best we can

[gd26]

I appreciate your thoughts Ingenue. Before I get into a relationship again, I will make sure that I have worked out my issues from past relationships. Similarly the next time I get involved with another man, I will only get involved with someone who can give me a sincere and thoughtful response when I asked him what he would have done differently from past relationships if he could do things over. If I meet someone who hasn't done any self-reflection and still blames his exes for all his life problems, I don't think I would see that man as relationship material.

[alphamale]

my 3 year "marriage" was a nightmare and pretty much has turned me off to marriage again....and i divorced her, 11 years ago.

[Trialbyfire]

Just something I have been pondering as of late. I am healing and have finally gotten my head and heart in agreeance. But the thing I wonder now is just how scarred for life I will be as I still heal? I took this whole experience very hard and even broke NC a few times as well, just as many on LS have.

 

I am not saying that I will not be able to love again, just how much eternal damage was done? That is thing that exs do not see...The aftermath.

 

Anyone ever think about that?

 

Honestly, I refuse to drag around too much past hurt, but nonetheless, it is there and will be for quite some time.

It's personal choice how much you allow it to affect you, for future relationships.

 

You've already changed since the cessation of the relationship. You'll change some more, if you want to. Any future person will be different than your ex. Are you going to apply apples to oranges?

 

Also, each relationship is an experience. If you see similar yellow flags, are you going to put up with it or just nip it in the bud? Are you going to run away from every yellow flag or are you going to ensure it doesn't become a red flag? If you see red flags, do you stay the course or do you run away? It's your choice.

[EmperorR]

Yes I'm afraid to get near to anyone, I don't trust any women

[Chinook]

"Do you feel scarred for life because of ex?"

 

Nope. I don't feel scarred because I don't intend going back to any of my exes. It wa painful at the time of the split, it's not painful now. Exes are exes for a reason. The lesson learned pertains to that person, that situation and that time only. I don't carry my crap forward with me because everyone is different and everyone deserves to be given a chance and assumptions not made about them. Just because I couldn't trust one guy to save his life, does not mean that every guy is the same. Far from it. The sad fact is, people are people and each has to be dealt with on their own merit.

[Geishawhelk]

If we feel scarred for life, it's usually because we persist at picking at our own scabs.....

 

And I don't say that to belittle or trivialise anything said here.

But the big problem is, we need to let ourselves get over it, and move on.

If we don't, that's when wounds stay open.

[sedgwick]

As for me... will I be scared by my ex? No, I don't think so!

 

I hope this helped in some way. Don't let yourself be too scared!

 

I believe she's saying "scarred," not "scared."

 

And absolutely I am scarred. And scared as well. I am not the same person I was before. I am now someone who no longer has the capacity to love and trust another human being. It's been almost a year and a half now since he left, and I hurt like I did the day he went away. I have never been so devastated. My life is now divided into before him and after him. Before, I was full of life and love and joy. Now, when I'm alone, I just cry and sleep. The past year and a half has been like living in a nightmare, and I see no end to it.

 

I was abused as a child too. Both my parents beat the sh*t out of me on a regular basis, and I was molested by a stranger at age nine (my mom didn't believe me when I told her, and when, afterwards, I was so scared of men with beards that I would hide behind her when I saw one in a store, she told me I needed to get over it and stop being a baby.) I've been in therapy for that for years, and the sadness doesn't even compare to having the one person to whom I showed my whole self and gave all my love and respect leave me for not being the same exact kind of artist he is. If I didn't know I was a worthless piece of sh*t before, I definitely know it now. I also know that men can't be trusted at all -- well, maybe to other women they're trustworthy, but I'm not worth it so they just toss me aside.

[orangehose]

Unfortunately, I do feel pretty scarred, but scarred 'for life' is extrapolating just a tad. Hard to predict the future.

 

I just don't have much desire for dating or a relationship at this point - my fear of potential pain far outweighs my desire for the opposite sex. Just doesn't seem worth it to me!

[RecordProducer]

I've been dumped by two husbands. I have humiliated myself numerous times and felt rejected by them in many aspects. I don't feel that it left any detrimental effect on me. I've learned a lot though. About myself.

 

Deep down, do you believe that what your ex did/said to you made you feel worse about yourself than before?

[alwayssme]

i wouldn't say scarred "for life" but yes definetely has left a scar on me at this moment. My situation is one of those where everything is going great and you think you're going to marry the man, then they change completely and walk out of your life like you meant nothing, never looking back. It was a shock to me, because I spent so much time with him and i believed he loved me more than anybody in this world. I would have trusted this man with my life. If there was one person I thought would never leave my side was him. And at one point everything WAS great...untill it wasn't...untill HE wasn't. Right now I'm hurt and I'm scared to fully trust someone because if my ex did this, anybody can. When the one who told you "I'm in love with you", the person you shared your everything with and promised to never leave your side, leaves you unexpectadly and treats you cold, how can you possibly not be affected? Hopefully with time I will get better. I would never allow him to scarre me "for life" because honestly that would be giving him too much power and merit. He doesn't deserve to have such an affect on me forever. For right now yes, and he probably will for quite some time but I'm confident someday this will be just a bad memory. I'm never trusting someobody 100% again, but I'm okay with it because I shouldn't have in the first place.

[orangehose]

 

Deep down, do you believe that what your ex did/said to you made you feel worse about yourself than before?

 

It's not a self-esteem thing for me. I never doubted that I was great stuff. I just don't trust romantic love anymore - too mutable, can disappear in the blink of an eye.

 

Alwaysme, I had the same kind of breakup as you. Very out of the blue. When someone just walks out on you with no warning, never looking back, and you didn't do anything wrong (that you know of), it really does do a number on your ability to trust in future relationships.