Author ioncebelieved Posted November 17, 2008 Author Share Posted November 17, 2008 It's not a self-esteem thing for me. I never doubted that I was great stuff. I just don't trust romantic love anymore - too mutable, can disappear in the blink of an eye. Alwaysme, I had the same kind of breakup as you. Very out of the blue. When someone just walks out on you with no warning, never looking back, and you didn't do anything wrong (that you know of), it really does do a number on your ability to trust in future relationships. Right, RIGHT! Romantic love.... WOW!! I was the most romantic gent to my ex and it got me holding an empty bag. It would be very hard for me to trust romantic love again too. It comes and goes like a thief in the night. Link to post Share on other sites
RecordProducer Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 It's not a self-esteem thing for me. I never doubted that I was great stuff. Good! I just don't trust romantic love anymore - too mutable, can disappear in the blink of an eye. Why do you think you should trust romantic love? If you keep trusting each time equally as the first time, all you'd do in life would be hurting. When you raise your criteria for trust, you start eliminating many people that shouldn't play big roles in your life - but perhaps would have, if you gave them the chance. You must develop some instinctive defense strategy that prevents you from getting hurt in the future, and lack of unconditional trust is one of the tools. Romantic love does exist, but we often miss it because we give the right chances to the wrong people. It takes a lot of effort to create a true bond. You need to be prepared that it might take long years of solitude before you find true love; that you might get disappointed again and again; that you might have to walk away while crazy in love because the person is not right for you; to be introspective and watch closely for any faults that you have and which might ruin your relationships. How can you do this if you blindly trust your lovers? Trust means you take for granted that what's in the window is what's in the shop. And this is why disappointments happen. We take the shell and never really look what's inside. And then a snake comes out and bites us. What you really want is for things to be simple and easy. But, as Michael Cane says in "The Weather Man," easy doesn't come in the adults' world. When a love ends, we never really know why. The less you understand why the more it is about the other person, not you. They know themselves from the inside, things that you'll never know about them. Finally, if you were given all answers in advance, you'd never learn anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Nikki Sahagin Posted November 17, 2008 Share Posted November 17, 2008 I think it only scars you when it feeds into pre-existing problems. I mean lots of us get involved in relationships when we are young and growing; we aren't sure who we are yet or what we want. We are still insecure. A hard hit at this age can hurt us a lot because it hits us at a time when most of us don't have our feet firmly on the ground yet, so instead of just taking a hit and standing strong, a lot of us fall down and some take a long time to get back up. I think if you are a secure and stable person, then you absord the hurts and love and grow from them. But pre-existing problems like insecurity, lack of trust, envy, self-doubt, depression, drug addiction, alcoholism, history of abuse - well this becomes another pain and hurt which we accumulate and add to the list. It's all about dealing with the well that all streams lead back to. When something hurts - why does it hurt? Because it hits an old wound, a tender area, our Achilles heel. I think everyone can potentially be scared and technically traumatised by love. But we also all can survive it. It's a very hard thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
orangehose Posted November 19, 2008 Share Posted November 19, 2008 Good! Why do you think you should trust romantic love? If you keep trusting each time equally as the first time, all you'd do in life would be hurting. When you raise your criteria for trust, you start eliminating many people that shouldn't play big roles in your life - but perhaps would have, if you gave them the chance. You must develop some instinctive defense strategy that prevents you from getting hurt in the future, and lack of unconditional trust is one of the tools. Romantic love does exist, but we often miss it because we give the right chances to the wrong people. Wow, thanks a bunch for that intelligent, thoughtful response. I did pursue a relationship with my ex despite some early 'yellow flags', and yes, post-breakup, my bar for trust has been raised dramatically - I've been turning down guys who provoke my distrust to the slightest extent. I always assumed this was an overcompensation for my recent past, rather than a truly adaptive strategy, but perhaps you're right. We OUGHT to be very picky about who we let in through into our inner sanctum! And maybe that DOES mean years and years of solitude... Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 Good! Why do you think you should trust romantic love? If you keep trusting each time equally as the first time, all you'd do in life would be hurting. When you raise your criteria for trust, you start eliminating many people that shouldn't play big roles in your life - but perhaps would have, if you gave them the chance. You must develop some instinctive defense strategy that prevents you from getting hurt in the future, and lack of unconditional trust is one of the tools. Romantic love does exist, but we often miss it because we give the right chances to the wrong people. It takes a lot of effort to create a true bond. You need to be prepared that it might take long years of solitude before you find true love; that you might get disappointed again and again; that you might have to walk away while crazy in love because the person is not right for you; to be introspective and watch closely for any faults that you have and which might ruin your relationships. How can you do this if you blindly trust your lovers? What wonderful and wise words. I like this so much I'm going to copy it into my journal (with credit given to "RecordProducer from LoveShack"! ). I agree--the trick is to become *wiser* in the dynamics of romantic love without *giving up* on romantic love. Family members can do terrible things to each other, but there is still, always, the bond of family. It may not be a *loving* bond, but it's a bond nonetheless. But romantic love is love brought about and sustained via CHOICE, and that lends it its precariousness. Unlike your family, lovers are with you by choice, and they can also leave you by choice, and there's just nothing that can be done about that. That's why when lovers continually, every day, make that choice to remain together...and they've made that choice for years and years and the love is still active and fresh...well, that's why that kind of love is so incredibly special and why life feels so incredibly rich and meaningful, when you have that love. It's been nearly 2 years since my ex broke up with me, and even though I've been in a new relationship for almost one year now (well, 10 months since we met), I have to admit I'm still healing from and processing my previous relationship. I think the year I was single enabled me to get enough perspective that I was able to enter a new relationship and be open to loving again, BUT...the scars from the ending of the previous relationship are tender still. What comforts me is the knowledge that indeed I did love, very much and very truly...and if I could do it once, with all my many flaws and hang-ups...I can do it again, and better this time. Link to post Share on other sites
Zapbasket Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 I think if you are a secure and stable person, then you absord the hurts and love and grow from them. But pre-existing problems like insecurity, lack of trust, envy, self-doubt, depression, drug addiction, alcoholism, history of abuse - well this becomes another pain and hurt which we accumulate and add to the list. It's all about dealing with the well that all streams lead back to. When something hurts - why does it hurt? Because it hits an old wound, a tender area, our Achilles heel. I think everyone can potentially be scared and technically traumatised by love. But we also all can survive it. It's a very hard thing to do. Wow, another brilliant commentary. What a rich, insightful thread this is! Link to post Share on other sites
orangehose Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 I agree--the trick is to become *wiser* in the dynamics of romantic love without *giving up* on romantic love. Family members can do terrible things to each other, but there is still, always, the bond of family. It may not be a *loving* bond, but it's a bond nonetheless. But romantic love is love brought about and sustained via CHOICE, and that lends it its precariousness. Another excellent post (GreenCove, you're quite good at producing them yourself ). My thing is, though, I'm not sure there IS such a thing as 'wiser' in romantic love. I can understand wisdom and experience when it comes to working out issues, but can wisdom help you pick someone less likely to bail ship? You can minimize chances by staying away from people who seem even the least bit jerky, as I've been doing, but with ostensibly 'nice' people, the risk of heartbreak is still there... I've seen relationships fall apart after years of faithful love or insistence about how 'great' things are... Anyway, I apologize for my pessimism - it's just where I'm at now. And yes, familial love does seem less fragile / more resilient than romantic love. It leads me to believe that familial love is a truer form of love, and perhaps more worth the investment of time. Can always use sperm donors to have those kiddies, and skip the custody battles your friends will be having in ten years. Link to post Share on other sites
Trialbyfire Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 I will have to strongly disagree about familial love being more enduring. If there's abusive dysfunction, why not distance yourself from harm, as soon as possible? The more abuse a person takes, the more warped they become. This isn't love at all. Link to post Share on other sites
sumdude Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 Right, RIGHT! Romantic love.... WOW!! I was the most romantic gent to my ex and it got me holding an empty bag. It would be very hard for me to trust romantic love again too. It comes and goes like a thief in the night. Old Billy Shakespeare had it all down when it came to romantic love. "They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love. " "Love is a smoke and is made with the fume of sighs " "Love from one side hurts, but love from two sides heals." I may have a scar, a pretty good one too. I may earn a few more before I'm feeding the flowers. But I imagine one day someone comes into my life and I'll think "Once more into the breech!" Because life without risk is barely living, it's just existing. Link to post Share on other sites
Surfer Dude Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 I am still hurting from my breakup (my fiance dumped me for another guy), but will I let it scar me? Hell no. Just like any other agonizing and traumatizing experience, break of a long term relationship can be a character defining experience. It could be either character building or character destroying one. Which one are you going to let it be? Me for instance, have chosen to use this opportunity to face my own inner fears, to explore the depths of my personality and face the demons that live inside me. I have managed to analyze bad aspects of my personality and now I'm trying to solve those issues. Like I said, traumatizing experiences are redefining experiences. The wonderful thing about life is that we constantly have the choice to decide who we want to be, what we want to experience and how we want to experience it. I feel that my capacity to love is far greater now, than it ever was before or during my previous relationship. I have been trying to build a tough mind, a strong heart with love for everyone, and I know how lucky my next lady will be, because I have grown so much. As for my ex fiance who cheated on me and dumped and then harassed me and insulted me, she is the one avoiding her own demons by constantly rebounding and running away from her inner problems and frustrations. She is in for one hell of a painful experience down the road if she persists with this kind of behavior, but that's not my problem anyway, I just hope she will be able to use it to her benefit and stop being a prick and a bitch. So what's it gonna be? Scar or even a bigger and more loving heart? It's truly up to you to decide, it's never too late to define who we are and who we want to be. That's what life is about anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
sunshinegirl Posted November 20, 2008 Share Posted November 20, 2008 This thread is an amazing read. I don't have much wisdom to add to what's already here. Only that I have certainly been scarred, several times...this time possibly more than the others. Even so, my scars may be with me for life, but I will not let them scar me for life. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ioncebelieved Posted November 20, 2008 Author Share Posted November 20, 2008 This thread is an amazing read. I don't have much wisdom to add to what's already here. Only that I have certainly been scarred, several times...this time possibly more than the others. Even so, my scars may be with me for life, but I will not let them scar me for life. You know some on here may not admit to it, but bad break ups leave some damage. Not saying you cannot heal, but I know the scar is there. The main thing is how you deal with it. Link to post Share on other sites
savvy_girl Posted November 22, 2008 Share Posted November 22, 2008 Self reflection is important. BTW, I am a huge fan of therapy, especially for personal growth. I dated a guy from 20-27, my college sweetheart. We were honestly in love, loved each other, best friends, etc. He had purchased an engagement ring for me, so I felt we were engaged as we used to plan the wedding. Fast forward, he fell in love w/ a girl in his MBA class, and broke up with me. I was a true mess. Unlike most relationships, he was the person pushing to get married, I was scared to death. I never thought I would be ambivalent towards him, ever. I achieved this, although it took many painful years. I hardly think of him, except when I am relaying a story about him. He was my true love, at least that is what I feel in my heart. But I did love again. I also have no ill will towards him. He is married, w/ a child, which he always wanted. There are times I wish I could call him for advice, as he knew me best, but I will not. My last long term relationship, ended again because of cheating, but this person was hardly self-evolved. He was a true disappointment as a human as well as a fiance/boyfriend. He never confronted his personal issues, of which there were many. He was also a liar, which I guess hurt me the most. He is know dating a girl whom is 15 years younger than he, has never grieved our relationship, and is basically being pushed to get married by his mother, as she feels he is old, he is 46. I once said to him that he would end up dumping me as he did so to another when he was close to marriage in his late 20's, and true to form, he did. He was wrong for me in so many ways, but it still does hurt. I know if I survived the end of the relationship if my 20's, I will survive this one. I try to learn something important from each relationship. Hus, Savvy Link to post Share on other sites
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